Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz - Koala Bear
My first foray into the world of backpacking; The big two year Australian road trip as seen through a haze of goon and a diet of cheap noodles and tins of baked beans.
ALL the photos from...

9 Hours To Go
Didcot, United Kingdom
I'm still producing enough mucus and coughing up enough germs to worry about potential quarantining on landing but hey, still excited.
Apart from the risk of actual death I love flying. I get a buzz off hurtling through the air at 572mph in a pressurised steel tube but this flight will be the longest I’ve ever spent in a confined area apart from that time I went to see Lord Of The Rings.
Technically though that wasn’t 20 hours. It just felt like it.
Emma, however, is a nervous flyer. She panics so much that all reason leaves with the only parachute causing everyone within earshot to question exactly what they were thinking in getting onto a contraption that is heavier than air in the first place.
Of course an integeral part of flying is drinking. This is for Blood Thinning Medicinal Purposes only of course but I'm fairly sure that half a bottle of Jack Daniels would be sufficient to calm Emma down for a significant portion of the flight. If pouring it down her neck doesn't work I'll just belt her round the head with it.
Anyway, I'm off to work out how much excess baggage I'll be charged on my arse and to find enough sedative to keep Emma settled for the first 12 hours at least.
I'll email everyone from the other side :)
written by  Koala Bear on May 10, 2006 from Didcot, United Kingdom
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz

Things That Can Kill You #1
Brisbane, Australia
Pedestrian crossings.
No really, they're lethal.
Just because the little man is green it doesn't mean you won't get mown down by a vehicle turning in from the side.
Haven't got anything more interesting to say right now as I was brutally force fed large quantities of alcohol for the first two nights we were here and the clubs don't close until five.
I'll be back once my brain cells have regenerated but despite the perpetual double vision and slurring I've been pondering the following; There is a noticeable lack of beggars in Brisbane and a disproportionate amount of kebab shops.
Coincidence?
wanders off all mysterious like*
written by  Koala Bear on May 15, 2006 from Brisbane, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz

Bris Vegas
Brisbane, Australia
I’ve spent the last week racking my brains, trying to think of something suitably interesting to say about Brisbane (which is where I'm staying with John at the moment) but I’m not that good at fiction.
With its high rise buildings, Big Issue sellers on every corner and throngs of suits it could easily be London if London were to have blue skies and, say, a man-made beach just sarf of the river.
South Bank Beach
I like this beach on account of the lack of Potential Death you’d get at a normal beach. No fear of sharks or jellyfish, all you have to worry about are the hoards of small children but they’re easily dealt with with sticks.
If we had a man made beach just outside of any major UK city it’d be riddled with hypodermics, dog shit and dead, frozen homeless people within weeks.
Anyway, Emma’s in Perth visiting family at the moment and I’m waiting for Natwest to wire some money over to my Australian bank account so I can afford to do stuff apart from lie on a man-made beach in the middle of the city.
I’ve been spending a lot of time at the gym as well though, having spent 20 hours being fed processed airline food followed by copious amounts of beer and kebabs on arrival in the country I felt compelled to hand over distressing amounts of cash to Fitness First. I may also have signed over a portion of my soul and one or more of my limbs, I didn’t read all the small print so I’m not sure.
Culture Shock (Sort Of)
Woolworths over here isn’t the same as in the UK, over here it’s a supermarket like Asda or the Co-Op. There’s not a plastic cricket set or a cheap sun lounger in sight, just aisles of food which I’ve never heard of.
Kebabs are served to you by attractive young people in shops as opposed to fat, sweaty Greek men in vans. They are rolled and toasted (not badly packed and thrust at you in a polystyrene tray, slightly soggy and limp) and are in fact Food You Would Be Comfortable Consuming Whilst Sober.
You can’t get beer down the local 7-11 (like Spar), you have to go to an offy but no one here knows what an offy is, they call them bottle shops and the ones I’ve been in so far all have a massive chiller unit where you can buy a carton of 24 bottles (and not them tiny little bottles that contain about a thimble of beer either) for about $35 which is about £15.
Its no wonder drinking is a national pastime.
written by  Koala Bear on May 21, 2006 from Brisbane, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz

Things That Are Impossible
Brisbane, Australia
Looking cool on a Bright yellow rental scooter.
Eeeeeeasy Rider
The shame.
Alas other impossible things include making the most of a place this size without your own transport; Whilst "Just Up The Road" for a Brit means nipping round the corner to the offy for 2 litres of cider and a Kit Kat over here it means a two hour trek to the Arse End Of Nowhere.
Hence the scooters. And although it was kinda good to get back on two wheels we definately deserved the unrelenting mocking we encountered on the way as we held up Miles of traffic, chugging along at 55kph, wondering if it was even going to make it up the next hill.
Thankfully Emma was navigating, even though we managed to get lost several times (even on a long, straight road) if she'd let me loose on the map book we'd probably be huddled round a makeshift fire somewhere in the outback, fending off dingos with sticks.
Lost Again
Despite two days riding round the furthest reaches of Nowhere we still haven't found a car but we'll be having another bash at that tomorrow, fingers crossed, its definately time to move on from Brisbane now. We gave up car hunting today and went to the driving range instead and apparently I suck at golf. This isn't a bad thing. I never looked good in argyle.
Schwiiiiing
And it actually rained today for the first time since we arrived. Typical British luck, it waits until we hire the slowest bikes in the world and ride into the bush before the heavens open.
And yes, those are crocodiles on the front of that scooter.
cringes*
written by  Koala Bear on May 28, 2006 from Brisbane, Australia

On The Move
Surfers Paradise, Australia
Home Sweet Home
So this is our home until they forcibly remove me from the country, it’s small (11ft long) but it’s perfect for us. It’s got pretty much everything we need including a TV so we can get hopelessly addicted to the Aussie Big Brother, a gas stove so Emma can cook and I can stand behind her poking stuff and generally getting in the way, a fridge to keep the beer healthy veg and skimmed milk cool and plenty of storage yet still only just enough space to house all my Stuff.
And yes, it has net curtains.
Cosy
Complete With Soul Sucking TV
Stop laughing. We need them for privacy.
And no more embarrassing yellow scooters for us, we now have a car.
Whilst it is a Ford Falcon it’s a sedan and therefore not exactly like the one they used in Wolf Creek. So that’s comforting then.
6 Cylinder, 4.9 Litre Beast. Thirsty Much?
Ford Falcon: $2600
Car Insurance: $476
Caravan: $3000
Feeding The Waste Pipe Into The Tent Of The Scousers Next Door: Priceless*
*No we haven’t, but how tempting?
written by  Koala Bear on June 2, 2006 from Surfers Paradise, Australia

Wet N' Wild Water World
Surfers Paradise, Australia
One of the best things about being a Brit in Australia is the fact that my idea of cold differs completely from everyone else’s which means we get to enjoy water parks in what is officially winter while the locals are curled up on their sofas clutching a Cup-A-Soup and shivering.
Emma
No queues to Battle through and sunshine for most of the day but we're both knackered now, I don't think we've ever climbed up so many stairs. Over and over again. I'll dream of stairs tonight which will make a change from dreaming about bloody spiders.
And the best thing about water parks?
You get to play in the sun and the water all day with no risk of sand in yer crack. Fantastic.
Photos will be added when I get them developed, well I wasn’t about to take my £300 digital camera down a slide called Mach 5 now was I.
Obligatory Underwater Photo
written by  Koala Bear on June 7, 2006 from Surfers Paradise, Australia

Went Snorkelling...
Surfers Paradise, Australia
Saw some fish. So that was nice then.
Goes Well With Tartar Sauce
I’d dragged my arse out of bed at some god awful hour leaving Emma tucked up so I could paddle my way out to an island in a kayak and breathe though a plastic tube for an hour or so. But it was worth it, I didn't see any dolphins or anything like that but I've definitely got a taste for this underwater lark now and there’ll always be a piece of me on Wave Break Island.
Mainly because I stepped on a sharp Stone and took a bit of skin off my foot. Ouch
written by  Koala Bear on June 8, 2006 from Surfers Paradise, Australia

Big Things #1
I totally forgot about this guy until I was sorting my photos out the other day;
The Big Kangaroo
Wet N Wild on the Gold Coast, Queensland, is guarded by this ever so slightly sinister kangeroo.
You wouldn't dare pee in the pool with this monster watching over you.

Surfers Paradise: Exactly What It Says On The Tin
Surfs Up
Firstly I discovered that a 90 minute fat burning, arse reducing walk along the beach is about 86% more fun than a 90 minute fat burning workout at Fitness First.
I also discovered that attempting to body board (like a poofy version of surfing where you don’t actually have to stand up) at somewhere that warrants the name "Surfers Paradise" is one of the best forms of resistance training there is.
It’s also a fantastic way to nearly drown and increase your salt intake by up to 230%.
Surfers is pretty much like any seaside resort, overpriced and packed with souvenir shops and tourists. There’s plenty to do if you have the cash such as Dreamworld, Wet N Wild, Movie World and Sea World but entry averages about $60 each and while it’s only roughly £25 it mounts up if you try to do everything and we’re a bit skint now.
We only intended to spend a week here but we’ve had a couple of issues with the caravan so we’ve mostly been waiting around for repair men (ok so we’ve been waiting around on the beach in the sun but hey) on account of the fact the bloke who sold us the caravan sold it us without a Safety Certificate and the brakes don’t work so if anyone knows anyone in the Brisbane/Gold Coast area who will break legs for cash, let me know.
We commemorated our last night in Surfers with a BBQ. In the rain of course, I’m still British after all.
This is me throwing another shrimp on the barbie, mate.
Throw Another Shrimp On The Barbie, Mate
Join me next week when I shall be attempting to tie my kangaroo down, sport.
What else can I say about Surfers? Oh, that’s right;
Hot sunshine… blue skies… sandy, clean beaches… clear, warm sea. I *heart* the Gold Coast.
Hate me?
Meh, I’ll get over it.

Far North Coast & Hinterland, New South Wales
Byron Bay, Australia
Australia is so huge that when they changed the names of everything into things that the white man could pronounce they ran out of creativity and just got literal.
Minion: What shall we call this bit that is right at the very furthest north of New South Wales?
Captain: Well, we shall call that the Far North Coast.
Minion: But what about this bit here that is still northerly yet not quite as northerly as the far north?
Captain: Let us henceforth refer to this area as the North Coast.
Minion: Captain, there is more. What about this part that which is positioned in the middle of the coast of New South Wales?
Captain: Hmm, this is a difficult one. I feel we should christian this bit… Central Coast…
You get the picture.
Byron Bay – Most Easterly Point Of Mainland Australia
Sunset Over Byron Bay
You know how in Alaska they have about 50 different words for snow? Well in the UK we have 290 different words for rain but only one word can describe the rain we had in Byron Bay; Torrential.
It’s the kind of unrelenting rain that highlights all kinds of exciting things such as the fact that the wipers on the car don’t wipe the water away so much as move it around a bit and the caravan leaks in two places.
Byron Bay is beautiful, it’s a small town on the coast that attracts surfers and hippies from all over the world.
You can watch whales from the lighthouse, go snorkelling round Julian Rocks (about 3km out from the beach) or surf with dolphins.
The Lighthouse
We stayed here for just over week, I wanted to learn to dive here but not enough people wanted to do the course so I missed out. We stayed for longer than we intended to as we found out that if we wanted to work in licensed premises in New South Wales or Victoria we needed a Responsible Service Of Alcohol certificate so we hung around to do the course.
A trip to Byron Bay isn’t complete without a beer at Cheeky Monkeys, the locals will try and put you off going there but don’t listen to them, they must just have taste and class or something.
Ballina – Has A Big Prawn
The Big Prawn
Bow down to your crustacean master.
Nimbin – Cannabis Capital Of Australia
Despite the fact the only thing I inhale into my lungs these days is fresh air and occasionally a bit of salt water during my sporadic attempts at snorkelling, Nimbin was still a wicked place to spend a few hours.
It’s small but has huge personality, once the haze of incense and pot smoke clears you’re met with a tiny little village where every other person squints at you through swollen, red eyes and wonders if you would like to purchase one of their "good, strong marijuana cookies."
Anyway, I'm off to resist the urge to grow dreddlocks, wear knitted jumpers and wander round smelling of patchouli with a dog on a piece of string.
written by  Koala Bear on June 21, 2006 from Byron Bay, Australia

Pet Porpoise Pool, Coffs Harbour, New South Wales
Coffs Harbour, Australia
Seal Snogs
The Pet Porpoise Pool claims to be the most interactive marine park in Australia and you can't argue with that when they let you pet the dolphins and sit you down for a seal snog which seems like a cute idea until the smell of fish hits you and you realise that if it was having a bad day it could actually rip your throat out for fun.
Dolphin Kisses
After the dolphin show they let you feed the little penguins and after they tell you not to stick your fingers in the turtle pool on account of the fact they’re wild and snap they hand you a piece of fish and invite you to go ahead and... erm... stick it in the pool...
Anyway, we both left with all our fingers intact and I want a dolphin because they're bloody amazing.
So Long And Thanks For All The Fish
Perform, Bitch
written by  Koala Bear on June 22, 2006 from Coffs Harbour, Australia

Big Things #3
Coffs Harbour, Australia
With #2 being The Big Prawn in Ballina, #3 is The Big Banana in Coffs Harbour, NSW.
The Big Banana
Yep, it's big and it's a banana.
We didn't go inside on account of Emma's pathological fear of the bendy, yellow fruit but I reckon it wouldn't have been worth it anyway.
A massive prawn humping a building is a hard act to follow.
written by  Koala Bear on June 22, 2006 from Coffs Harbour, Australia

Mad Dash To Melbourne
Melbourne, Australia
Only when you try and get from one place to another over here can you truely comprehend how pointlessy massive it is.
Random. I Know.
As well as the places everyone has heard of, Oz is dotted with heaps of tiny towns and villages with names you can't pronounce, each with its four figure population proudly displayed at the side of the only road in and brown signs pointing to things they desperately try to pass off as a tourist attraction ("Hey, come and see some rocks...").
It's no wonder so many people go missing over here, there's nothing else to do in these small towns but stalk tourists and pick off backpackers with a sniper rifle.
Emma has mates in Melbourne so we decided we were going to go there to find work; It took three days of daylight driving (you can't drive come dusk in case you hit a roo, it could write your car off) from Coffs Harbour to get there.
Somewhere in a town called Frederickton along the road between Coffs Harbour and Port Macqurie there's a little shop called Fredo's Pies which has 50 different varieties of pie.
Fifty!
Fredo's Pies
Five Zero! I wasn't even aware there were 50 types of edible things in the world.
You'd miss it if wasn't for the two statues of Marilyn Monroe outside, one in the classic "Oh look, my dress just blew up and everyone can see my knickers" pose and the other is sat atop a pole. No, we're not too sure why either, she looks happy enough though!
We didn't get as far as we wanted to on the first day because the car started making noises cars aren't supposed to make around a town called Toronto. This apparently happens when you don't put oil in it.
Stop rolling your eyes, we were checking it daily, we just happened to be checking the wrong dipstick.
*waits while everyone gets obligatory "Did you feel like a dipstick?" jokes out of the way*
Don't worry, we'll soon be stocked up various foul smelling liquids in assorted colours, we don't fancy running out of brake fluid or tranmission stuff somewhere in the middle of nowhere when the only person around to help is wielding a chainsaw and muttering something about dinner being sorted for the next week.
Aaanyway, Emma took the car in the next morning and $40 and a small amount of mocking from the mechanic and his wife later we were back on the road.
Next stop ended up being Gundagai, still in New South Wales and the home of the Dog On A Tuckerbox which is a statue of a dog on a tuckerbox (lunch box). Oh those Aussies, getting all literal again.
Gundagai also has brown tourists signs showing the way to the Historic Bridge which is... well... it's a bridge. I think what makes it "historic" is that fact that it's made of rotting wood and is about to fall down.
How glad are we that we stopped here? Can you imagine how gutted we'd have been if we missed that?!
We managed to drive over 1000km without getting lost once so in order to avoid breaking with tradition we turned off onto the wrong road once we got onto the outskirts of Melbourne and spent the ensuing 2 hours dragging a caravan around and staring blankly at the newly aquired map, drooling occasionally.
But we made it. Us, who got lost on a long, straight road when we rented scooters, we made it alive and in one piece.
There's hope for us yet.
written by  Koala Bear on June 25, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Things To Do In Melbourne When You're Skint
Melbourne, Australia
I Will Be Leaving: 02/07/06
Emma Will Be Staying
We've mainly been doing sensible things during our time in Melbourne such as shopping for protective gear for the vine pruning job I start on Monday and using the internet for evil (looking for work) for Emma online but we did manage to get a few obligatory tourist photos before reality set in.
Rialto Tower
View From Rialto Tower
Rialto Tower is Melbourne's observation deck, it's a high rise building with over 50 floors and you get to go right to the top for a 360 degree view of the city although we did spend most of the time watching the crazy Chinese guy who was wandering round and round, clutching a CD walkman and occassionally bursting into song.
And I use the word "song" loosely.
He ordered a cappucino and we sat there and watched him empty 15 sticks of sugar into it before he sat and ate it all with a spoon and continued his wandering and wailing.
We quickly left before he went mental with a machete or a sawn off shotgun or something.
Neeeiiiiiibours...
God I Hope No One Saw Me
Pin Oak Court is Ramsay Street. It's a real street in a suburb of Melbourne called Vermont with real people who have real jobs and lives and it's tiny. Seriously, there are like 100s of other streets just like it in the area but this one was chosen for the outdoor scenes in Neighbours so this is the one that attracts hoards of tourists on the offical tour and tight arses like us who just get their mates to drive them up there for a photo op.
I don't even watch Neighbours unless I'm brutally forced by the majority but even I found myself clapping like a spastic and running round like a small child shouting "Oh my god, Harold lives there thisissocool!" before climbing sheepishly back into the car and wondering if anyone saw me.
AFL At The MCG
AT The MCG
On arrival into Australia I dutifully picked an Aussie Rules Football team to support, making sure I ignored trivial factors such as league position, performance and indeed who my girlfriend supports and carefully basing my decision on who had the prettiest strip.
After much soul searching and veging out in front of the TV with beer I proudly announced that I would henceforth follow Port Adelaide (nicknamed Power for reasons I have yet to fathom, especially after seeing them play). Emma is a West Coast Eagles fan. There will be fighting.
The MCG
Adam and Natalie (Emma's mates who we're staying with) both support Melbourne and today their team faced my team at the Melbourne Cricket Ground which is apparently the biggest staduim in Australia and the second biggest in the Southern Hemisphere. It's impressive, you have to give it that although the crowd was too small to do it justice.
Once you get over the fact that it's only $20 to get in and you get your head round the fact that the pitch is round (Or oval. Whatever, it doesn't have corners and that's just weird) you have to deal with the mixed fans. There's no home stand or away stand, the fans from each team just pile in together and no one gets stabbed. How cool is that?
Aussie rules is fast paced and high scoring (mainly because there's four goal posts and you get 6 points if you kick it through the middle which just seems like cheating to me), I'm surprised it's not played in other parts of the world because it really is a fun game to watch.
Aaanyway, Power got thrashed and I'm writing at the bottom in the hope that no one reads it so that I might maintain some shred of dignity. The chances of seeing Power play at home in Adelaide are slim, by the time we get there the season will be finished but it doesn't mean I can't watch them on the telly with my head in my hands wondering if turquoise really was the best deciding factor in my choice of team.
written by  Koala Bear on July 1, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Hard Yakka
Echuca, Australia
I'm over here on a 12 month Working Holiday Visa which means that if I do three months "seasonal work in regional Australia" I'm eligible to apply for a second Working Holiday Visa thus allowing me to stay with the right to work for a further 12 months.
This roughly translates as three hellish months doing a job you don't want in a part of Australia you never wanted to visit. In my case, vine pruning in Echuca-Moama.
I thought I'd try and get this out of the way in winter so I can stop worrying about it, once its done its done and I can apply for a second visa. Also, temperatures can get into the 40s in summer and I'm a firm believer that anything above 30 degrees is meant for swimming, frolicing or taking all your clothes off and lying very still on the beach.
Vine pruning (we're currently trimming Shiraz) is easy enough, it's just boring, mind numbing work and your hands and wrists ache like mad at the end of the first day. I asked one of the lads how long before it stopped hurting. He just shrugged and said, "Ah it never stops hurting, you just get used to it." So that was comforting then.
It's not a stressful job though, once you've got back to the hostel, drained the fluid out of your blisters and emptied the stray twigs and leaves out of your bra you can just relax and try and forget about the dull ache in your wrists.
Making The Right Look Like The Left
Bear in mind I haven't worked in about two months either so all this getting up and doing stuff before 7am is disconcerting but you know the best thing about working apart from being paid?
That Friday Feeling. I forgot how amazing and sacred Fridays were.
The hostel I'm staying in is cool, most people here work in the vinyards or do other seasonal work in the area. Most of them are trying to get a second visa too but there are a couple of Aussies, us foreigners are still trying to work out why anyone would do this work by choice, not neccessity.
Echuca is the Paddlesteamer capital of Australia which would be great if Paddlesteamers were more interesting, there's not much to do here but Melbourne is only a 4 or 5 hour drive away.
See, I'm getting the hang of the Aussie concept of distance, I'd never dream of driving for 4 hours to get somewhere for the weekend in the UK but over here a 4 hour drive is deemed "just up the road." Plus petrol is cheaper here which makes long distance driving less painful, it's about $1.40 on average which is about 60p a litre.
Emma started work at a restaurant in Melbourne on Thursday an all so hopefully we'll be able to get some money behind us before we head off to the next place we want to be which is Adelaide where Emma's brother lives.
I heard Adelaide is renowned for its wine and vinyards.
Oh joy.
written by  Koala Bear on July 9, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Twelve Months Of Perpetual Winter
Echuca, Australia
We sat in front of the TV before work, bleary eyed, munching our cereal and watching the news, the bottom right hand corner of the screen flashing up the regional temperatures for Victoria.
Echuca would be 14 degrees today, it informed us.
"Double figures in the middle of winter," I said, "Can't fault that really."
The three other Brits in the room concurred.
Just as I was about to stand up and leave the TV announced;
"NORTHERN HEMISPHERE SWELTERS IN HEATWAVE!" The report was accompanied by footage of shirtless men and small children with ice creams, just to hammer the point brutally home.
A stunned silence ensued, quickly followed by muttered obscenities.
I swore at the TV and walked out to scrape the ice off my car.
written by  Koala Bear on July 20, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

A Whole Day Of Education
Melbourne, Australia
I spent last weekend in Melbourne in a desperate bid to halt the slow deterioration of my thought processes brought on by an acute lack of Things To Do.
We'd planned to go to Healesville Sanctuary ($22, probably only worth it if its sunny and you can do the whole day)[/i> in Yarra Valley and even though it was raining when we woke up we borrowed Natalie's car (smaller and cheaper to run than ours) and decided to go anyway. Y'know, maybe it would stop raining after a while, right?
.... Right?
No, apparently not. It rained constantly all the way there and for the entire time we walked round so we found things to do that involved standing under shelters and learning about stuff.
Koalas
Koalas are the students of the animal world, they sleep for 20 hours a day and spend the other four hours eating food that has no nutritional value which is a bit like me spending four hours eating Pot Noodles before passing out for 20 hours straight.
Maybe I was a koala in a previous life, that would explain alot.
Platypus
We just missed the platypus talk but from what I gathered they look weird and they smell. That is all I learned about platypuseseses. See, I didn't even get to learn what the plural was.
Reptiles
I pushed my way to the front for the reptile talk making sure that the small children knew that my elbow was roughly the same height as their face and I wasn't afraid to enforce that knowledge if they tried to steal my place.
We learnt all kinds of exciting and useful things such as how to treat a snake bite and not to stand in front of a monitor lizard while it's being shown round in case it poos. I learnt the latter the hard way.
We also learnt that lizard poo stinks, I mean really, [i>really[/i> stinks and the smell sticks to you and grows and eventually you're surrounded by this aura of Inside Of A Lizard which is impossible to escape from until you incinerate your clothes and remove the top layer of your skin with a wire brush or at least have a proper wash with soap and everything.
And the learning didn't stop with Healesville Sanctuary, it was when we stopped for petrol on the way home that we learnt that the worst time to lock yourself out of a car is after 5pm on a Saturday when it's not your car, both mobile phones are in aforementioned car and one of you has just been pooed on by a lizard.
It doesn't help when neither of the staff members at the petrol station have been employed for their innovation or intelligence and no one in the world will admit to knowing how to break into a car with a wire coathanger. I thought it was a stroke of genius that we even managed to obtain a wire coathanger at 5.30pm on a Saturday somewhere on the outskirts of Melbourne but there's a subtle difference between actually having a wire coathanger and knowing how to use it for purposes other than hanging things.
After about two hours of battling with the coathanger and pleading with the staff for some kind of help we caved in and joined the RACV (breakdown service) which cost $175 and it was just as Emma hung up the phone that the woman behind the counter handed us a card for a locksmith with the words, "Last time someone locked themselves out of their car the locksmiths that came out gave us this card in case anyone else did the same thing."
I quickly lead Emma away before the other girl learnt what it felt like to have all her teeth removed by force.
written by  Koala Bear on July 22, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Job Satisfaction
Echuca, Australia
Pruning vines isn't the most enjoyable job in the world so I've been trying to think of ways to make it more bearable and I have decided that if I knew exactly what I was pruning I would find my job more fulfilling and meaningful.
The vinyard I work for sell their grapes to a company in Griffith who turn them into [yellow tail] which apparently they do sell in the UK but I wouldn't have noticed if it didn't have the words "Special Offer" or "Buy 3 For A Tenner" written on the price tag.
So in a noble attempt to keep the Australian economy afloat I tracked down a bottle of [yellow tail] Shiraz which I purchased for the princely sum of $10.95.
Less than a fiver.
The only way this wine could be any more Me is if it came in a box or was in fact Lambrini if Lambrini was to be made from grapes which of course it isn't. I'm not too sure what it is made out of. Alcoholic's Piss, I think.
Anyway, I drank the bottle over the weekend and returned to work on Monday hoping to feel somehow more enlightened but by then we'd started pruning the merlot and the bottle of Shiraz that I had painstakingly consumed seemed somehow wasted. Once again I felt empty and unfulfilled.
There's only one thing for it; extensive experimentation is in order.
If you need me I'll be at the bottle shop.
Edit:
hic*
You're larrrverly you are arentchoo ay?
Gisha shnog.
written by  Koala Bear on July 24, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Echuca In "Stuff To Do" Shocker
As a rule, Blues music grates like coarse sandpaper on the soft underbelly of my soul but when faced with the choice of spending last Sunday in the hostel watching a black and white TV with a potentially psychotic Kiwi nut job (more on him another time) or live bands in the street, the Echuca Winter Blues Festival won out.
Anyway, I figured that the Fingernails Down A Blackboard quality that Blues possesses could be suitably numbed with some wine tasting and a few pots (which are the pathetically small measures that beer comes in round here. It's about three mouthfuls and it's so dainty you get the urge to stick your pinky up whilst you drink)
Posing With Peter
As well as a live bands playing surprisingly bearable music on every corner there was other stuff to watch and do.
The bakery held a pie eating competition with pies that could quite possibly have been made from one or more of the backpackers that went missing in regional Australia last year and there was a chance to meet a slightly mange ridden Peter Rabbit at the book shop. Three of us from the hostel huddled together on the sofa for a photo op and quickly left before we contracted myxamatosis.
A couple of thimbles of beer and a shameless attempt to get our photo in the local paper later we headed back, all that excitement being far too much for us Fun-Starved Backpackers.
Actually it was a bit of a laugh, it was something to do and a chance to get to know a few of the people I'm living with at the moment.
Who Ate All The Pies?
Photos will be added when I've got them developed (Edit: Aaaall sorted). I've been using a 35mm camera (remember them? How quaint) because my digital camera developed an error. I've been without digital photography for over a month, can you imagine the horror?!
Anyway, I'm visiting Emma in Melbourne this weekend coming so that should stop my brain from completely rotting and I'll get my beloved camera back along with several Pot Noodles and some Salt and Vinegar Squares that mum sent over.
It's weird what you miss init.
written by  Koala Bear on August 3, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Pissing On My Bonfire
After Someone Used My Tyres As A Dart Board
Today was exactly halfway through my Three Months Of Hell and we were going to celebrate with cheap wine and BBC comedy but I woke up this morning to find that some kids had gone Norman Bates on my car tyres with a dart.
They'd climbed over the wall into the hostel, poked around in the common room which doesn't lock and nicked a dart to do the tyres with. Debbie (the hostel owner) has started locking the front gate to the car park but there's still some metal railings they can easily jump over round the side. She politely declined my offer to wire them up to the mains.
My Poor Car With Its Arse In The Air
I'd take it personally if two other cars hadn't had one of their tyres stabbed an all although I did spend all day trying to remember if I spilt anyones pint last weekend.
After kissing $400 for four new tyres goodbye I couldn't be bothered with celebrations but a few people got me chocolate and cake and the slighty sick feeling that ensued after consuming most of it suitably comforted me.
I'm so easily bought with a high sugar content.
written by  Koala Bear on August 16, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Random Nuggets Of Information #1
Because vine pruning is very much a "Nice Brain; You Won't Be Needing That" kind of job my thought processes shut down between the hours of 7.30am and 4pm and generally don't bother kicking in again until jump started with the fifth or sixth cup of tea in the evening.
Add to that the fact I go to Body Pump three times a week. Everyone knows there's a direct correlation between muscle growth and brain shrinkage so any attempt to blog has been met with drooling and slight twitching.
I'm going to be a slack jawed imbecile by the time I leave Echuca.
Anyway, stuff has happened apart from being a Victim Of Crime, I just haven't been able to string coherant sentances together to tell you about it so in lieu of a well thought out and properly constructed post, you get the following drivel.
Everyone's A Fruit And Nut Case
A drunk bag lady tried to get into my car whilst I was stopped at some traffic lights in Melbourne the other weekend. I now pray to the God Of Central Locking on a daily basis.
Blonde Moment
Our car has automatic gears and as I was driving to work the other day it felt like it was dragging and not changing up. The car was really struggling, I pressed the accelerator harder envisioning huge mechanics bills, convinced it must be the gear box and even as I neared the bridge to cross into Moama it still felt like it was in a too low a gear.
It was then I noticed the large, red "Park Brake" light on the dashboard.
I released the handbrake continued on my way, wondering if I should introduce a large coffee and a sharp slap around the head into my daily morning routine.
Safety First?
I wear large tinted safety goggles at work because vines have a habit of snapping back into my face, spurs flick off and head straight for my eyeball or I scratch an itch on my head forgetting I have pointy cutting things in my hand so now I have a lovely Reverse Badger tan thus marring my perfect features.
Eyesight or that perfect all over colour? Decisions decisions.
Paddlesteamer
Echuca Tourist Day Out: 13/08/06
Those of you that have been paying attention will remember that Echuca is the Paddlesteamer capital of Australia.
waits while everyone contains their excitement*
A few of us took a ride on the PS Pevensey last weekend, We had amazing weather for it, the temperature got to about 19C and while its nothing compared to the recent UK heatwave (*glares*) can I please point out that it's still winter over here. The ride was $19 for an hour up the Murray River which serves as the border between Victoria and New South Wales although it does actually belong to New South Wales.
Soaking Up The Sun On The Murray River
Taigen, Jaime And Abi
Gazing At... Stuff... And Things...
VIC/NSW
No Echuca Tourist Day Out is complete without homemade fudge from the Penny Arcade so we bought a slice of that followed by an ice cream and a can of coke then headed back to the hostel before our teeth fell out.
Trail Of Destruction
No one told me you shouldn't put dripping wet clothes in a tumble drier ok? The washing machine broke down halfway through my wash leaving my clothes sat in a vat of black water so I just stuffed them into the drier and hoped for the best. Anyway, I only shorted out three appliances in the process and it's not like anyone uses the drinks machine anyway...
It's also worth noting that attempting to operate laundry machines whilst under the influence of Wine In A Box is unadvisable.
Wine In A Box
Makes your head hurt.
waves goodbye to last remaining brain cells*
written by  Koala Bear on August 19, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

The Stuff Of Nightmares
This horrifying beast was on one of the posts at the end of the vines at work and no, I didn't take these photos. I tried, I really did but I couldn't get close enough so the lads took them for me.
Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew
For those of you who haven't run screaming from the room yet, its a Huntsman Spider and this one is about 12cm long including its legs but apparently they can get bigger and are really common.
Whilst 12cm isn't that big compared to, say, me and a big stick, nothing with that many legs has any right to be that big especially when it looks at you like it wants to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Anyway, I've been told that whilst they can give you a nasty bite they aren't in the least bit poisonous and wouldn't even make you ill if it sunk its fangs into your tender flesh.
Hmm... yeah... somehow still not comforted.

Superiority Complex
Big Green Tractor
Considering that two weeks ago me and Abi (another British backpacker) weren't even allowed our own hammers the fact that they're now trusting me with this shiny green tractor on huge wheels is pretty impressive and as everyone knows, there's a direct corrolation between the size of the wheels and how important you feel whilst dring the vehicle. The pruning finished and we were set to be doing odd jobs fit for a sheila but after no small amount of pestering we were finally allowed to play with use chainsaws and quad bikes in a sensible and professional manner and the tractor was the icing on the cake although it does mean I have to actually earn my pennies as opposed to wandering round with electric saceteurs chopping twigs off vines and getting a tan.
Check Out The Wheels On That
Driving a tractor makes you feel important. It could be the fact you're really high up or maybe its the massive wheels but also the steering on it is so light it makes my car feel like lead next to it.
You can throw a tractor round a tight corner with one hand, it makes you wish you had testicles so you have somewhere to put your other hand whilst driving.
Oh yeah, did I mention the wheels?
written by  Koala Bear on September 9, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Big Things #4
Swan Hill, Australia
It's a cod... It lives in the Murray... It's really really really large... It can only be the Big Murray Cod in Swan Hill, Victoria.
The Big Murray Cod
We saw this last Saturday when we went on our Magical Mystery Tour. Apparently there's one up at a place called Tocumwal but that's in the opposite direction to what we were going and lets face it, once you've seen one gigantic cod you've seen them all.
Yes We're Aware Of The Fact We're Shameless Tourists
written by  Koala Bear on September 19, 2006 from Swan Hill, Australia

North West Victoria Magical Mystery Tour
Mildura, Australia
Currently, the most exciting thing to happen in Echuca was my recent foray into the world of flip flops which they call "thongs" over here even though thongs are underwear you spend most of the day removing from your crack. I'm in pain but damnit I WILL get used to them because they leave better tan lines than sandals and I'm sure no one will notice the pussing wounds between my big and second toes.
On A Mission
Road Trip!
Anyway, I digress. The point I was trying to make was the only was to make Echuca interesting is to leave it so last Saturday me, Becky and Maaike (also staying at the hostel) decided there was only one thing for it; ROAD TRIP!
It is the law of road trips that you eat your body weight in junk food and listen to music that would ordinarily make your ears bleed so armed with $25 worth of crisps and chocolate and an MP3 player full of cheese we set off for Mildura to visit a couple of mates.
Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport
It's a mere four hour drive if you don't take long, winding detours through amusingly named places, climb all over an oversized cod or stop and photograph things like llamas in a field, lizards in the road which get bigger and scarier the closer you get to them (so we backed off before I got pooed on again or something) and kangeroos.
Yes I know its not a particularly lively 'roo but I come from a place where the most exotic thing you see on the side of the road is half a badger. The 'roo is cool, OK?
Fnar Fnar
Some of you might know that instead of growing up and getting a proper job it's my lifes ambition to travel to all the places in the world with rude names and last weekend I crossed Tittybong (heh heh) and Bumbang (tee hee) off my list.
Bumbang Island
The thing with Tittybong is, it doesn't seem to exist outside of the map book. We drove through it so I've officially been there but there's no signposts to it and nothing to tell you you've arrived, before you know it you've passed it and didn't even get to point and laugh at the sign. Gutted.
Bumbang isn't actually a place either, it's an amusingly named island in the Murray River just North East of a town called Robinvale which isn't half as funny. They have something that passes as a sign though so that appeased me, I got to snigger childishly and take photos.
Not Quite A 24 Hour Party Town
Anyway, a good time was had in Mildura, I had a good night anyway, I hadn't drunk in ages so it was fun to pump my body full of Vodka Cruisers (a bit like Bacardi Breezers, overpriced and full of E-Numbers) and jump around on the dance floor to mix it all up with the chocolate and crisps we munched on the way although I did spend part of Sunday morning wondering what number bus hit me and why I wasn't actually dead yet.
Mildura is quite a bit bigger than Echuca, I wasn't there long enough to get a proper feel for it but there are quite a few backpackers and it seems like a laugh. They also pipe music into the streets at night for reasons I have yet to ascertain and there's sort of a park down by the river which is wicked to go and chill by in the 31C heat (yeah baby!) with a few beers and a frisbee.
Nick, Pete, Becky And Maaike
The journey home was a bit quicker, we only stopped to see Bumbang Island, eat more junk food and to see if Becky really could keep up with the car doing 20kph whilst she was on foot.
And yes, I still have "Tie My Kangeroo Down, Sport" stuck firmly in my head. Meh.
written by  Koala Bear on September 19, 2006 from Mildura, Australia

Putting Things In Perspective
A couple of people mentioned that the Huntsman spider post didn't give an accurate potrayal of the spiders actual size because there was nothing to compare it with so here's a photo of two Huntsman spiders on an adult sized Akubra hat.
Nasty Shit
Now stop your bloody whinging and don't come crying to me if you have nightmares.
They're bloody massive, they look like they could be responsible for a small percentage of Australia's missing backpackers but sort of getting used to them now. Not that I could touch one but I can at least control my bowels when one of them wanders across the posts at work.
This photo was taken when the lads at work spent the day putting them on their Akubras and wandering up and down the rows with them. I just kept my distance and took photos, politely declining their kind offer of Huntsman of my very own.
Anyway, tomorrow will be my last day on the vineyard and I have a feeling its going to be the longest Friday in the world.
Please send vodka and cake.
written by  Koala Bear on September 28, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

The Part Of Australia I Never Wanted To Visit
It is advisable whilst in Echuca in the winter to drink a lot of alcohol as this numbs the agonising pain of the aching boredom. I mean, I'm not saying don't visit Echuca, I'm just saying don't go in the winter unless you really really like paddlesteamers.
Like, alot.
Paddlesteamer
If there's one thing Echuca knows how to do its paddlesteamers, there's about eight of them. Apparently they do other things on the Murray River in summer such as water skiing and I noticed a couple of canoe hire places. I asked a local bloke when they usually started the water skiing, he just shrugged and said "When the water gets high enough." It hasn't rained there since 1985 though so I wouldn't hold your breath.
No really, stop it, you're turning blue.
This was my first time staying in a hostel an all and I found loads of stuff out such as; Poms really do whinge, Japanese really do eat noodles for breakfast and purchase rice by the paddy field and the average life span of a packet of Tim Tams when opened in a common room is roughly 0.25 seconds.
Nomads is a cracking hostel though, Debbie who runs it goes out of her way to make sure the place is clean and the backpackers are comfortable. She'll do her utmost to find you work and if you call ahead she won't tell you there's work if there isn't like so many working hostels do.
Boredon In Echuca
Down The Pub
Nomads is comfortable and friendly enough to make three months in Bum-Fuck Nowhere bearable, if you need to extend your Working Holiday Visa in Oz then I recommend this place.
A word of warning though, if you stay too long in Echuca you start becoming attached to flannelette shirts and the urge to own a dog on a ute becomes harder to resist. You'll find yourself thinking things like "Ooh, that's a nice Akubra, I think I'll get me one of those," you'll start getting excited about stuff like wood chop demos and shotguns and your alcohol tolerance level will increase by approximately 64%.
The Nomads Oasis Crew
Apart from the grinding monotony, Echuca is a nice enough place. It's quiet but it has plenty of pubs and a nightclub (OPT) and there are some shops to keep you occupied providing you can get up before 12:30pm on a Saturday and didn't want to shop on the Sunday anyway.
There's a cinema, plenty of restaurants and fast food places and a couple of gyms to work off aforementioned fast food although the gym I used was right opposite a chippy. What the hell kinda sadist does that?
Oh, and before I forget, its also home to the World's Biggest Lollipop.
The World's Biggest Lollipop... Apparently
See, who said Echuca had nothing going for it?
written by  Koala Bear on September 30, 2006 from Echuca, Australia

Rogue Traders (& TV Rock)
To celebrate finishing the work I needed to do to extend my visa, last night I went to see the Rogue Traders at the Palais Theatre in St Kilda, Melbourne because they bloody rock. Oh yes they do.
I believe they released Voodoo Child in the UK or something but they're huge over here, probably because they're Australian and fronted by Natalie Wots-Er-Face. You know who I mean, 'Er Wot Played Izzy In Neighbours. The hot one.
Am I helping?
Natalie Wots-Er-Name, Rouge Traders
I was sat right at the front, I was so close, I could have reached out and touched her if I had psychotic stalker tendencies which of course I don't, that's just a vicious rumour spread round by people who don't like me.
subtly kicks telephoto lens away with heel and stashes dirty old mac under the bed*
Anyway, I didn't want to get arrested or beaten up by security so I kept my hands off and contented myself with jumping up and down and waving my arms around and apart from nearly taking out half the audience with my Bingo Wings I had a wicked night.
Enjoy the photos, just try not to drool on the keyboard.
written by  Koala Bear on October 1, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

News Flash
For those who haven't quite worked it out yet, me and Emma have officially Split up. We'll be flogging the caravan and I'll be keeping the car.
During my time in Echuca she created a whole new life for herself behind my back. She has a full time, permanant job and a flat and a whole load of new mates she neglected to tell me about. She also didn't bother keeping in touch with me for most of the last month I was up there and ignored most of my texts.
She wants to stay in Melbourne and, well, I really don't so I'll be backpacking on my own which, lets face it, is gonna be a damn sight more fun than sitting in a damp caravan every night watching TV while Emma gets irate because it won't tune properly and the aeriel keeps falling out of the back.
Now if you'll excuse me, there's a whole load of fun to be had.
written by  Koala Bear on October 3, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Karma Points
In order to get some redemption for a life time of sin I spent yesterday collecting for a charity called Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and keeping 40% of what I collected. 40% cash, 60% karma points. I can live with that.
09:00 - Positioned myself out the back of Coles with a tin and a grimace-like smile.
09:05 - Face began to ache from all the smiling.
10:00 - Smile started to wobble so experimented with Being Nice To People.
11:30 - Felt peckish so cracked open a tin of beans. Realised I felt more guilty about eating Safeway beans outside of Coles than I did about getting 40c commission on every dollar I collected.
12:30 - Concentration lapsed and the ability to say "Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease" diminished rapidly.
13:45 - Will To Live left the carpark.
13:50 - Someone bought me an ice cream because they didn't have any change. I'm not sure how this will help the charity but I'm sure in some grand, cosmic way someone, somewhere will benefit from it. Probably just me though.
14:00 - Gave up on Being Nice and opted for the Pity Vote.
15:00 - The cold, dead stare of a broken woman must have had an effect because my tin was now full and one lady even donated $20. I felt a pang of guilt over my commission.
15:01 - Pang of guilt passed.
15:20 - Went home $70 richer. Not too bad considering I didn't actually do anything to get it.
Thank you, people with severe lung disease.
written by  Koala Bear on October 18, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Shameless Tourist
Me And Naomi Next To The Tour Bus
This post has been delayed a while because I haven't quite been able to work out how to break this to you. I've been wanting to tell you, I really have but I was scared about how you'd react, I don't know if I could have taken the disappointment but I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
Last Monday I went on the Official Neighbours Tour and I liked it!
There, I said it.
It's a condition of entry into Melbourne that you go on this tour, I chose Tour B for $40 because it meant I got to meet Dr Karl which would have only be surpassed by meeting Harold but because they were filming at Pin Oak Court that day I did manage to get a stalker-esque photo of Harold leaving the set in his car.
Meeting Dr Karl; *Starstruck*
Monday nights are Meet The Stars nights down the Elephant And Wheelbarrow in St Kilda and Dr Karl's band, Waiting Room were playing but it's an extra $35 to get in. I didn't really want to spend a total of $75 on a show I don't actually watch, I would have been mocked and ridiculed.
Even more mocked and ridiculed.
Anyway if you'll please excuse me, I'm off to get a life.

Cowes, Australia
Big Wave
Not Big But Definately A Wave
Not technically big but I've seen it on other Big Things websites and I do so like to be unoriginal.
Big Koala
The Big Koala
They never seem as cute and cuddly when they're three metres tall do they?
Bit Tap
The Big (Actually Running) Tap
Even has running water, perfect during one of Victoria's worst droughts in history.
Big Cow
The Big Cow
Daisy does steroids.
All these can be found on Phillip Island. Other things found on Phillip Island include penguins and some rocks. If you go to Phillip Island either take someone else or a crate of beer.
written by  Koala Bear on October 20, 2006 from Cowes, Australia

Things That Can Kill You #2
Cowes, Australia
Red Bellied Black Snake
I was walking up to one of Phillip Island's many rock-like tourist attractions when I nearly stepped on this beast, I was reliably informed that it was a Red Bellied Black snake.
Descriptive dontcha think?
It does actually have a red belly, you just can't see it properly in this photo because I wasn't about to wave it around by its tail whilst shouting "Crikey," that sort of behaviour gets you stabbed in the chest by a stingray.
In case you can't make it out on account of my limited photography skills and unwillingness to actually die, its head is to the top of the picture.
So there ya go, my very first proper Brush With Death. How exciting?
written by  Koala Bear on October 21, 2006 from Cowes, Australia

Phillip Island: Too Cold To Think Of A Witty Title
Cowes, Australia
The weather hadn't been too bad over the last week so last Friday I checked out of the nice, cosy hostel I'd been staying at in St Kilda that fed you three times a week and had heaters and beds and drove the two hours down to Phillip Island for two nights of camping and generally being a tourist.
It rained all the way.
I did think about staying in a hostel instead of pitching my new and untested tent but through steely resolve/ grim determination/ utter stupidity (delete as appropiate) I stuck to my original plan and booked into a campsite in Cowes which had a bath as well as showers. This wasn't why I booked into this particular campsite but it certainly helped its cause because when you've spent the night in a tent in South Melbourne in spring you need a hot bath and a cup of tea and possibly minor surgery for the frostbite.
Aside from the Penguin Parade and a few Big Things, the main things to do on the island are made up of Australia's favorite type of tourist attraction; Rocks.
If you give a rock a name and put it on a map people will come and they will marvel and take photographs then three months later they will try and remember why they have so many photos of rocks. Here they have The Nobbies and The Pinnacles.
The Nobbies
The place is full of bloody seagulls! Lets face it, seagulls are the chavs of the bird world and walking along the boardwalk is like walking through (Insert Name Of Any Major British City Here) on a Friday night. It's really intimidating and you honestly wonder if you're going to make it back with your eyes intact. You wouldn't take food up here unless you had a death wish.
It must be nesting season an all because there's loads of young ones wandering about and you know how most animals, no matter how ugly always go through that Cute Stage? Seagulls don't. Even as babies they look like they're going to beat you up for your chips and spare change.
Other things to look out for at The Nobbies is the Blowhole (which is another rock formation, no surprise there then) and the seals which you have to look at through a telescope. The seals are sat on a rock called Seal Rock. Bet you didn't see that one coming did ya.
The Pinnacles
Its... well... it's some rocks. I don't know what else to say about it. Maybe they look nice at sunset or after a few beers or something. It was while I was walking up to these things that I saw my first killer snake in the wild though so that was cool.
Penguin Parade
If you leave Phillip Island without freezing your tits off to watch the penguins you will be ridiculed by your peers and possibly beaten with sticks.
For a mere $17.40 you get to spend an hour sat on a cold, stone step staring at a beach waiting for the Little Penguins (the smallest penguin in the world) to parade across whilst your eyeballs slowly freeze and you begin to lose all sensation in your fingers.
Nah, don't listen to me, I'm a cynical old wench. There's not many things in this world more amusing than watching a group of foot tall penguins trying to get up a sandy hill. It certainly put a smile on my face.
At least it would have done if my lips hadn't seized up.
written by  Koala Bear on October 21, 2006 from Cowes, Australia

Dadswells Bridge, Australia
The Giant Koala, Dadswell Bridge, Victoria.
The Big (Mangy) Koala
Quite possibly has mange.
written by  Koala Bear on October 26, 2006 from Dadswells Bridge, Australia

The B100
Apollo Bay, Australia
Left Melbourne: 22/10/06
Arrived Adelaide:26/10/06
Despite the fact I've been unemployed since the end of September I still haven't had time to write up the Great Ocean Road thing that I did with a bloke called Kliff from Burnley that I met in a hostel in Melbourne. There are words for people as lazy as me but some of them aren't printable in a blog that your Grandparents might possibly read.
Aaaaanyway, despite the date at the top of this post I'm writing this at the end of November so my memory may be a little hazy on account of all the goon (cheap cask wine) I've drank since then. I have decided to overcome this with the aid of Bullet Points because Bullet Points make things look tidy and important even though it's usually a load of mindless dross. This is also the reason I use Bullet Points in my CV.
Day One
Stocked up on obligatory munchies then promptly got lost a mere 10 minutes out of St Kilda.
Finally worked out which wiggly lines on the map lead where and made it to the highway.
Stopped in Torquay to watch the surfers. The water on that coast is always freezing cold, seriously, my nipples hurt just watching them.
No Shit, Sherlock
* Wondered about the signs all up the Great Ocean Road that say "Drive On The Left In Australia." If you've gotten this far without noticing the other drivers veering out of your way as you cruise on up the right hand side then maybe you shouldn't be driving on any side in Australia. Or anywhere else for that matter. Do you even have a license? Fools.
Split Point Lighthouse
* Stopped at Split Point Lighthouse in Aireys Inlet. Its better known as the Round The Twist lighthouse (and you know you'll be humming that theme tune for the rest of the day) although I think I was slightly more excited by it than Kliff. We didn't bother going in though, its $12.50 for the tour and I didn't like the show that much (it is at this point that I hope no one remembers that I spent $40 doing a tour for a TV show I rarely even watch) and how can you tour a lighthouse anyway? Surely its just a staircase, right?
Pulled over next to the famous Great Ocean Road sign and acted like a couple of tourists.
Decided to stay at the Great Ocean Road Backpackers in Lorne that night. There are tame parrots everywhere that come right up to you to be fed which is really cute until about 6am when they sit outside your dorm window and squawk.
Wondered if parrot goes well with chips.
Great Ocean Road
Day Two
Not Someone You'd Expect To Meet
* If someone asked you what you would least expect to see whilst visiting Erskine Falls in Lorne I reckon that a man dressed like a pirate would be quite far up the list. Well, we met a man dressed like a pirate. No, we don't know why either but he seemed nice enough assuming you don't have to be sane to be nice.
Whilst stopping for lunch and another "Look, We're On The Great Ocean Road" tourist photo we found an Echidna. Usually these things curl up in a ball and don't move if you get too close to them but this bugger kept crawling towards us with them huge spikes on its back while we were trying to take photos. We backed away before it went ninja on our arses.
Ninja Echidna
* Rocked up to Apollo Bay Backpackers. I would so totally recommend this place to anyone, its more like a home than a hostel and the laundry and internet are run on an honesty box system which just makes you want to be honest.
Attempted to drink Tooheys on the beach but settled for Next To The Beach on account of the gale force winds.
Saw some lesbians. I'm not sure how relevant this is, I just get excited when I'm not the only gay in the village.
Day Three
Otways Skywalk
* Here's an idea, lets forget that heights make us nervous and do the Otways Skywalk, after all it's only 47 metres off the ground on a see-through metal platform. Notice the smile in the photos? Thats actually more of a grimace and the whiteness of the knuckles is almost blinding. If you do check out the photos notice how our hands never leave the railing in any of the pictures.
Takin' Off Over The Great Ocean Road
* One of my Must Do things in Oz was a helicopter ride over the 12 Apostles. I coaxed Kliff into it and tell ya what, it was so worth it! We did the $120 medium flight which took us over a whole load of Rocks With Names (Yes, I have photos. No, I can't remember what they're all called). Awesome.
After spending half the day Really High Up we checked out the 12 Apostles at viewing platform then went down Gibson's Steps to see the first two at beach level because you can't fall off the floor. I know I mock the Aussie obsession with rocks as tourist attractions but even I have to admit they were pretty cool.
Twelve Apostles
Stayed at the Ocean House Backpackers in Port Campbell and invited a random lass called Mary out for a beer to show the locals how its done. Apparently its done by drinking lots of beer and feeding loads of money into the video jukebox and dancing to really bad tunes. I believe pool might have been involved at some point but we left that to Kliff, y'know, with it being a man's game an all.
At The Foot Of Gibson Steps
Days Four And Five
Shipwreck Coast
* Finished the Great Ocean Road and celebrated with fish and chips in a proper town with shops and traffic and people and all kinds of other scary things then carried on to Adelaide. Instead of taking the sensible, direct route we headed North through the Grampians because I wanted to see the Giant Koala in Dadswell Bridge.
Camped in Stawell on day 4 because camping is cheap although we did have to spend an extra $8 on 4 litres of goon to keep us warm and we got woken up by ducks the next day. Next time that happens its Duck Sandwich time.
Setting Up Camp
* Saw the Giant Koala that looks like it has a spot of mange then carried on straight to Adelaide and booked into My Place Backpackers who said they had parking. By Parking they meant a few spaces that were likely to be full and if they were you had to park on the road then move the car first thing in the morning to avoid getting a ticket. Hmm. Yeah. Parking. Bastards.
Met a lass from Zimbabwe called Toni who gave us a tour of Adelaide's gay pubs on the Saturday. Point to note: Kliff isn't a puff.
Kliff is a top bloke though, we got on really well and had similar ideas of what we wanted out of the B100 and the pace we wanted to take it at. All in all, bloody awesome road trip.
Well that was seven minutes of your life you can't get back wasn't it, if you made it this far you must really like words. I suggest you go away and examine your life and prehaps consider Getting Out More.
written by  Koala Bear on October 27, 2006 from Apollo Bay, Australia

Gumeracha, Australia
The Big Rocking Horse
High in the Adelaide Hills in a place called there's a toy factory and this massive rocking horse.
The toy factory sells, amongst other toy-like things, little bags of sawdust which they market as Rocking Horse Shit.
Some people will buy bloody anything.
written by  Koala Bear on October 28, 2006 from Gumeracha, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 1 - "We'll Be Pissing In What Now?"
Port Augusta, Australia
Left Adelaide: 30/10/06
Arrived Alice Springs: 08/11/06
I've been trying to get my arse into gear to write about this 10 day outback tour I did with Heading Bush but you know those Words Don't Do It Justice situations? Well this is one of them. No tour will ever compare to this, seriously, it was possibly the most amazing ten days of my life.
HEADING BUSH!
Top Row: Sile, Hans, Suzanne, Allison, Sam
Bottom Row: Keith, Emma, Me, Mav, Alex
Again, I've cheated with dates, the one at the top of the post relates to the day the events took place. I've separated day by day to try and cut down on the sheer amount of words that could potentially occur.
Task one was getting out of bed after only three hours sleep and too much beer because the previous evening was spent saying bye to Kliff and Toni.
Task two was attempting to converse in a coherant manner with the people I'd be sharing a cramped jeep with for the next ten days, this was accomplished with minimum drooling which was a bonus.
Task three was Learning To Sleep In The Jeep. This was abandoned on account of it being rude to drool on people you barely know so we Had Conversations and ascertained that we would be spending the majority of the following ten days relieving ourselves in various holes around the desert.
Oh Come On, You Think It's As Pants As I Do
It was early afternoon when we learnt how much Mike liked making us walk. We trekked up a small hill to look at some Aboriginal rock art and I use the term "art" loosly. At the risk of offending the deities, its a bit crap isn't it, it looks like a four year old got hold of some chalk and went a bit mental. Come on admit it, you think the same, you just don't want to say it out loud at the risk of sounding like an uncultured swine.
World's Classiest Bush Dunny Complete With Seat And Bog Roll Holder
Most of Day One was spent getting to know each other whilst getting to Arkaba Station (bush camp just south of Wilpena), I don't think I've ever been with a group of people that clicked so quickly and so well, it was a mass of different personalities with the ages ranging from Emma at 18 to Hans at 51 and they all rock. Anyway, soppy moment over because I want to tell you about the toilet that Sam built which is probably the classiest bush dunny in the history of holes in the ground for pooing in. It had a tree branch across it for a seat (which rustled when you sat on it which is actually quite unnerving in the middle of nowhere when its pitch black) and a place to put the bog roll. We contemplated the practicality of a magazine rack with some newspapers or maybe a light hung in the tree then decided that we should probably attempt to rough it a little bit. After all, that's why we parted with our $1400 in the first place.
And oh my god how comfy are swags?! Swags are like a large, canvas coffin for want of a better and less sinister explanation, you get to fall asleep watching shooting stars, so much better than a tent and they're obscenely comfortable.
Emma Chillin' Next To The Fire
Anyway, congratulations on getting to the end of Day One without slitting your wrists. Day two will be added at some point in the future when I have too much time on my hands again and fancy torturing cyberspace with my crap.
written by  Koala Bear on October 30, 2006 from Port Augusta, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 2 - "Ohhh, My Walla..."
Port Augusta, Australia
Wilpena Pound
Today we learnt that Mike is a sadist; He likes to get us up early and make us walk up big hills with the promise that "the view gets better the further up you get."
Mmmm. Ok then.
I can't remember how long the actual walk up Mt Ohllsen Bagge (Wilpena Pound) was but I know I'd usually drive that kind of distance, it was all uphill and there was a distinct lack of a pub at the top. I nearly didn't make it but Mike bribed me with cake. I'm so easily bought with a high sugar content.
And yeah, it was worth it, the view was a bit of alright and the sense of acheivment was fantastic. The cake was pretty good too.
We spent the rest of the day driving, stopping off at various places of interest and admiring the tans we'd got whilst trekking up a mountain in the scorching heat.
Fuckin' Made It!
We headed onto an unsealed road that had a huge sign informing us that all stretches of road were open so that was comforting then. Apparently after a bit of rain it becomes 4WD only and after alot of rain they close it completely and you get hefty fines if you drive on it but as Mike reliably informed us, it never rains in the desert!
That night we camped at Iga Warta Aboriginal Settlement which has a pool and proper showers. How gutted were we when our tans washed off? Anyway, we had a quick dip where Alex bravely rescued a bat out of the pool using his swimming shorts. I'm not sure who was more traumatised, us or the bat. At least he saw fit to keep his underpants on when he went for a swim.
Open... For Now
That night we sat round the fire and Terance told us about his culture's history, showed us how to cook damper bread (bloody lovely) in hot sand, taught us a couple of songs (including one which became a lunch time anthem) and had us hopping round the fire like retarded kangeroos.
Thank god for beer.
Terance And Our Dinner
Ohhhh my walla,
It's rumbling, it's tumbling.
It's rumbling like a big base drum.
written by  Koala Bear on October 31, 2006 from Port Augusta, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 3 - "It Never Rains In The Desert"
Coober Pedy, Australia
Me And Allison; Yah We Look Hot
Little bit nippy this morning, I saw fit to wear a jumper and everything while we headed down to the ochre pits to get painted up like Aboriginals.
This was loads of fun and really interesting an all. Each colour means something different, like, yellow represents the sun and means rebirth and new beginnings (and who couldn't use one of those every now and then), pink is the colour of lungs and therefore breath, purple means cleansing and so on. We patiently stood there like good tourists while Terance and Sharpie painted us all up in pretty colours.
Then we headed back to reality, still covered in increasingly itchy ochre and wondering if we'd get beaten up by the locals for taking the piss or something. At was all good though, they took one look at us, smiled and said, "You've been to Iga Warta, then?"
That obvious?
Talc Alf. Crazy Desert Man.
Later that day we rocked up to Talc Alf's place. Talc Alf is what happens when you give a talented, creative man too much time to think. He makes these awesome sculptures they're proper good, but the guy has odd ideas about the alphabet and why certain things are called what they're called. Its hard to try and explain when you're not a complete nutter, maybe I'll drop some acid later and see if I can explain what he was on about.
Now let me tell you about my new spiritual home. Mutonia Sculpture Park is where they have massive winter solstice raves every year, it has random sculptures all over it and I swear down I could feel the energy coming out of the ground, seriously, there was something about this place that got me excited.
Mutonia Sculpture Park
Just me, then.
Its awesome, just a vast expanse of dirt with sporadic artwork, you can imagine this place going off at the Solstice. Apparently there's going to be a huge rave here when the aliens return to Earth. See you there...?
It wasn't long after we left here when the clouds got thicker and there was a few spots of rain on the windscreen so we all hopped out to do a rain dance. After all, it never rains in the desert, this could be all the water we see for a while, right, Mike?
Right?
The Oodnadatta Track; Enjoy It
We saw some bolts of lightening in the distance and the heavens opened, it was awesome, 11 psyched up people in a jeep, shouting along to Bohemian Rhapsody as the jeep slid through puddles on the unsealed road and lightening raged in the distance.
One of those Had To Be There Moments I guess...
We stopped to collect soggy bits of the Old Ghan Railway track to burn for firewood (don't worry, they built a new one already) then pulled over at Curdimurka Railway Siding where we would be staying that night on account of the fact it was restored and had a roof. We were meant to be heading to William Creek which has a floating population of 8 and a pub.
Yeah yeah, very quaint, we can go to the pub anytime and we had an Esky full of beer and a man with a gas stove and large boxes of food. This was much better.
After The Rain
Rain Dance
Its hard to put into words how amazing this evening was. After the downpour it stopped raining where we were but we had a fantastic view of the storms going on all around us. There was literally nothing, no trees or buildings apart from our railway siding as far as the eye could see so we had an uninterupted, 360 degree view of the lightening going off all around us. Hurrah for Bum-Fuck Nothingness. It was almost constant, we didn't know where to look. Keith got some bloody amzing photos by just pointing and clicking and hoping for the best. I've shamelessly stolen them and put them online but don't worry, Keith. I credited ya ;)
Keith's Storm Photo
Me, Allison and Emma decided we were gonna exactly how water resistant the swags were and settled down outside the building to watch the storm as we fell asleep but as the rain got worse it became somewhat apparent that it was a bad idea. I've never been so glad to see a man in blue jocks before, Mike dragged us inside in our swags thus saving us the hassle of actually having to Get Out Of Bed And Move.
Now if only we could have persuaded him to bring us breakfast in bed the next day.
written by  Koala Bear on November 1, 2006 from Coober Pedy, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 4 - "F**k You, Groovy Grape"
Coober Pedy, Australia
Salt Lake Hart
On account of the pissing rain all those lovely open unsealed roads were now closed which meant we had to head back down south to the highway.
We spent the day in the back of the jeep trying to make up lost time and the only place of any vague interest was Salt Lake Hart which is a blindingly white expanse of salt that has bombs and mines hidden all over it. They let you walk on it though and there's only a sign that advises you not to go any further, no fences or anything like that.
Now maybe I'm just cynical but give a foreigner a camera and tell them they can't go somewhere and before you know it there's limbs scattered all over the place and some poor bugger has to clean that up. I consider myself to be quite sensible (what? Stop laughing, you bastards) and even I followed the 17th deadliest snake in the world for a photo op.
Welcome To Coober Pedy
Day 4 was pretty uneventful but we made up for it that night at Coober Pedy with a party outside the hostel we were staying at which attracted the attention of the locals and of the Groovy Grape tour that were staying next door to us. Weird bunch. The locals and Groovy Grape.
Desert Cave P-A-R-T-Y
As we rocked up to the bizarre opal mining own Mike warned us that the girls shouldn't walk alone at night and to watch our step as "They don't get to meet many women round here..." It wasn't clear whether he meant the locals or Big Kev, GG's slightly perverted tour guide we nicknamed Otto.
After pizza, music and a boogy on the tables we headed over to the Desert Cave which is Coober Pedy's attempt at an underground night club and as Allison pointed out, "underground" doesn't mean its cool, it really is actually underground. Groovy Grape stopped us on the way and said it was closing soon and we should just party with them.
They lied. We had quite a bit of time there trying to stop locals putting country and western on the juke box, taking over the dance floor, playing air guitar and avoiding Big Kev.
When we got back the Groovy Grape tour group were tucked up in bed.
Hardcore party people indeed.
written by  Koala Bear on November 2, 2006 from Coober Pedy, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 5 - "FERAAAAAL!"
Oodnadatta, Australia
If you ever need an early morning wake up call simply sleep in a cave next to Groovy Grape. They were up an hour before us and man, didn't we know about it.
Bloke: Shall we wake that lot up?
Lass: Well I'm not going anywhere near them!
Bloke: Yeah, they're feral aren't they. Did you see that party they were having last night...?
Feral? Us? Too fucking right! And that became our group motto for the rest of the trip.
By the time we staggered into the sunlight they'd gone, leaving only some pizza boxes stuck under the wipers on the jeep and a drawing of penis in the mud on the bonnet with the caption "Cock Riders."
We were too amused to wipe it off. It stayed with us until Alice Springs although we did wish we had let their tyres down the previous night like I wanted to.
Underground Home
Before we left Coober Pedy we were taken on the Opal Mine tour which was actually quite intersting. Coober Pedy (the name is a bastardisation of the Aboriginal phrase meaning "White Man's Burrows") is a fascinating town where everyone lives underground (the houses are a constant 24C without the aid of heating or AC) and owns dynamite. The lass who took us on the tour told us about her childhood where they'd have family nights in front of the TV making bombs for dad. All vehicles that carry the dynomite have to have "Explosives" written on them and Mike reckons he's seen quite a few spelt wrong. Comforting. No wonder if you look closely enough you notice that some of the locals are missing a finger or three.
Its illegal to mine in the town itself but there are no laws against adding an extra room to your cave and many people have struck it rich by extending their property. It costs about $5,000 for a plot of land then about $20,000 to dig a home out and whatever opals you find on the way are yours.
Tempting.
Well it would be if it wasn't in Coober Pedy anyway.
Don't Walk Backwards
Oh Come On, It Was Begging To Be Photographed
In the absence of rocks, Australia likes to make a big thing about its Vast Expanses Of Nothingness such as the Moon Plain which is where some films like Pitch Black were filmed. Aaaand that's about all it has going for it, that and a small, pink sign placed there by the Pink Roadhouse in Oodnadatta that reads "Ok theres not a lot to see but photo it anyway."
So we did.
Dingo Fence
Some of Australia's Vast Expanses Of Nothingness are intersected by The Dingo Fence which is a fence about 3300km (the longest in the world dontcha know) that stretches across South Australia, New South Wales and Queensland. Its there to keep the dingos up north and away from the sheep. We took photos of that too.
Tourists eh? -rolls eyes and tuts-
Later on we rocked up to the Pink Roadhouse which is a roadhouse that is without a doubt very pink. They provide all kinds of information on how to do the Oodnadatta Track without dying and they sell my favourite things in the world; Tacky Souveniers. I -heart- the Pink Roadhouse.
My Favoritest Road House Ever
One thing I miss as a backpacker is having a nice, hot bath. Even if hostels did provide a tub lets face it, it would always be full and if it wasn't it'd probably be so thick with grime you'd be better off rolling round in a three week old communal bush dunny.
Soaking In The 37C Pool
But who needs a bath when you have Dalhousie Thermal Springs slap bang in the middle of the desert. Its definately a 4WD effort to get there, I'd never take the Falcon but once you've made it across the "Generally Rough" roads its so worth it despite the mozzies that you have to fight your way through when you get out of the pool. Its bliss. Words fail me. 37C, little fish that come and nibble at your dead skin if you keep still enough and the National Park even provides big rubber rings for chilling on.
What better way to end the evening with a few beers, fish exfoliation and a soak in one of the best places on earth before huddling round Han's candle because Witjira National Park doesn't allow fires.
Candle LIt Dinner For 11
We gave Mike our full permission to wake us up before light with the promise we wouldn't beat him with sticks so we could watch the sun rise from the thermal springs.
See, that's how much we loved this place.
written by  Koala Bear on November 3, 2006 from Oodnadatta, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 6 - "How Many 5 o Clocks In A Day?"
Kulgera, Australia
Allison Catching Up On Some Sleep
As promised, Mike dragged us out of our swags before the sun even thought about rising so we packed up and jumped in the jeep before our body clocks realised what time it was and rebelled. It was freezing without a fire so I'd had no chance to warm up as I stood staring at the water thinking "its been here all night in the bloody cold, no way can this water be warm..."
Well if you consider 37C to be Not Warm then no, maybe it wasn't.
Do you ever have those moments when you realise that you're so perfectly, unconditionally happy that you can't stop smiling? When you can't even think about one single thing in the world to stress about, that everything is just so right and you are in fact the luckiest person alive? That you are so utterly relaxed you could burst and there isn't a single thing in the world that you could change for the better?
Pure. Fucking. Bliss.
Watching the sunrise over Dalhousie from the comfort of the thermal springs with my feral Heading Bush posse was one of those moments.
Mike's a fan of skinny dipping so thankfully he got out before us because you just don't need to see your tour guide's penis before breakfast.
As if our body clocks weren't confused enough by the shocking discovery that there are actually two five o clocks in the day we crossed the border into the Northern Territory which doesn't bother with frivolous things such as daylight savings so we put all our clocks back an hour.
The first stop was Finke which is a dry Aboriginal settlement so we hid the booze. Aboriginals have serious issues with getting high, there are massive alcohol and solvent abuse (putting paint in a paper bag and sniffing it is called Chroming) issues within most communities and this is why there is no alcohol allowed in Finke. After the booze was banned they started sniffing the petrol so it was replaced with opal petrol which apparently doesn't get you high.
One of the first things you notice as you jump out of the jeep at the community footy pitch is the litter and broken glass strewn across the place. Then you notice that a lot of the litter is empty, squashed butane cans.
Yeah, I don't reckon they have that many lighters to fill.
Some Of The Kids From Finke
Anyway, we had a kick around with the kids and by kick around I mean they kicked our arses around and totally beat us in the Aussie rules footy match. They also gave me a slating for following The Power (bloody Crows fans) and one lad, Dylan, was fascinated by my piercings and tats and wouldn't leave me alone.
Those of you who know me personally know how I feel about children. It was bloody terrifying. *shudders*
Next stop along the 4WD red dirt roads was the Geographical Centre of Australia which is conveniently located at LAT 25 degrees 36'3.4"S - LON 134 degrees 21'7.3"E. Just in case you were wondering or indeed even cared and if anyone knows what the fuck that even means please let me know. There's even a visitors book, we flicked through is and there was one comment which read "No Groovy Grape here!"
Does anyone like them?
The Geographical Centre Of Australia
We watched the sunset on Day 6 from a bush camp near Kulgera as our bitch... I mean, our beloved tour guide cooked us up a feast on the fire.
written by  Koala Bear on November 4, 2006 from Kulgera, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 7 - "Valley Of The Flies"
Uluru (Ayers Rock), Australia
Yep, That's A Grape Stuck To My Mush
After a few days of sitting in the back of a jeep even we were grateful for the promise of a Really Long Walk which was probably all part of Mike's cunning plan to stop us bitching when he told us it would probably take a couple of hours. Oh come on, we don't know how many circles he drove us in, all these unsealed roads look the same to us, we have to trust this guy who has a penchant for Early Mornings and Big Hills.
Kata Tjuta (The Olgas)
After we'd stopped of at Erlunda for a cuppa tea and to check out the Big Things (an echidna and a frill necked lizard which are kept behind bars for reasons I have yet to ascertain), we'd marvelled at a man mowing the lawn in the middle of the desert at Curtin Springs, laughed ourselves stupid whilst taking photos of Sam mooning Uluru while other tour groups looked on in horror and Susanne had gotten Sticking Things To Claire's Face out of her system we headed on over to Kata Tjuta which is known to the ignortant white man as The Olgas.
We would be doing the Valley Of The Winds walk through the rocks, we would be taking it at our own pace and damnit we would be enjoying it.
Actually it was pretty cool. I do enjoy a good hike and it's made all the more bearable with good company. Emma decided she wasn't going to do it on account of her heart condition but me, Allison and Susanne stuck together and had a wicked time wandering through the rocks and enjoying the scenery which I can't describe here. Seriously, check it out for yourself. The photos don't do it justice.
Me, Suzanne And Allison Sporting The Latest In Outback Fashion
It wasn't long into the walk when Sam decided he was going to press the pretty button because it looked like the tourist information button you get at train stations. It was actually the Emergency Radio button, the dead giveaway being the large, clear writing above it that read "Emergency Radio."
No Sam, you'll never live this one down.
It brought the panicked ranger running. Poor bloke, this kinda thing is probably the highlight of his day, he probably had visions of saving the day and being a hero, imagine his disappointment when he arrived to find that the Americans had been at it again.
Sam And His New Mate
After the walk we didn't quite make it to the viewing platform in time to watch the sunset over Kata Tjuta but we still got some good photos by hanging out of the jeep on the way.
That night we set up our swags at Yulara which exists solely to cater for visitors to Uluru and the red centre. I have no idea how much is costs to camp here but I bet its not a pretty number to part with.
written by  Koala Bear on November 5, 2006 from Uluru (Ayers Rock), Australia

Big Things #11 & #12
Erldunda, Australia
On day 7 of the Heading Bush Outback tour we rocked up to Erlunda for lunch and saw these freaky looking things; The Big Echidna and the Big Lizard.
The Big Echidna
The Big Frill Necked Lizard
They're kept behind a large mesh fence, possibly to stop them from escaping and taking over the world.
Hey, anything can happen in the desert.
written by  Koala Bear on November 5, 2006 from Erldunda, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 8 - "It's All About The Rock"
Uluru (Ayers Rock), Australia
Up before sunrise. Again. No matter how many times I do this it never gets any less painful. Today would be all about Uluru (or Ayers Rock for those who haven't quite got with the program) as in the sunrise, the walk and the sunset.
We cruised past the queues on the way in and joined the tour buses at the viewing point. This was quite a weird experience for us, we'd been used to having the outback to ourselves, we weren't used to having to fight for it against people in clean clothes that just got out of a vehicle that wasn't caked in mud but hey, we're fucking feral, we can deal with it and this is why god gave us elbows. We made our way to the front and joined the masses in gawping at the rock as it started to light up.
The Girls At The Rock
It's definatly one of those moments that digital cameras were invented for, I snapped away and hoped for the best, knowing that 90% of them would be deleted anyway.
We even managed to check out the moon set and if you can tear your eyes away from The Rock for long enough you can see Kata Tjuta in the background as it starts to light up with the sunrise.
Brekky In Front Of The Rock
We fucked around taking photos as the rest of the Tourist Circus dispersed then wandered back to the jeep where Mike had knocked us up some beans and eggy bread. Spoilt, we are. And the look on the other tour buses faces as we made our way back to The Rock with a brew and a cooked breakfast was awesome. So tell me, exactly what does your $250 Sunrise Tour get you?
Me, Keith And Sile; Goin' Up
Ok, so ever since I found out we were allowed to climb Uluru I wanted to do it. I needed to do it. I know that the Anangu people ask you not to and I understand why but the more you tell me I can't do something the more I want to do it. Why do you think I have so many bloody piercings? I can't connect with this rock by walking round it, I need to walk up it, taking the traditional path used by the Aboriginal ancesters for centuries. Keith and Sile wanted to climb it as well so as soon as they opened the climb we followed the hoardes of Asian tourists up The Rock.
It was actually quite hectic, the first part is done by hauling yourself up a chain up some very steep rock that's been made smooth by years of people trekking up it. Also, most people only get to the top of the chain then turn round and come back down so not only are you worrying about the people above you falling, you also have to worry about sharing your piece of chain with someone trying to get back down.
We decided to edge over to the side and let the rest of them do their thing before we made our way to the top of the chain for the first rest of many because Sitting Down is very important in my world.
Shield Shrimp
I have nothing witty or clever to say about this climb, it was just breath taking. The views are amazing up there and you can even get phone signal so you can call everyone you know and gloat. On account of the rain a few days previous we were lucky enough to see some Shield Shrimp which are ancient looking marine creatures. The eggs lie dormant until it rains then they hatch, mate and die leaving more eggs to lie dormant until the next rainfall. Its surreal enough see water somewhere so hot but to see life in it is amazing. And no, I have no idea how they got up there in the first place.
We continued the climb, following the painted white line to the highest point of the rock, stopping occasionlly for a sit down or a drink or to take photos of Allison's camera at various points because she'd left it in my bag but we couldn't work out how to use it so instead we took photos of it.
After we'd safely gotten back down via the chain again (never have I loved a chain so much in my whole life) we chilled for a bit before the sunset then cruised past the big tour buses setting up tables with table cloths and champagne glasses which no doubt would later contain champagne. How bizarre?
Best Tour Group Ever
We stumbled out of our mud-caked jeep and cracked open a beer each before heading up to the optimum viewing point where we accosted a man from Slovenia and made him take photos of us and be our friend. The sunset itself was crap but we were too busy having too much fun to care. I kinda pity the people who paid over $200 for a BBQ and a glass of fancy plonk, I mean, do they get a refund if you don't actually get to see the sunset?
And indeed, do I actually care?
Some Random Rock In The Middle Of The Desert
written by  Koala Bear on November 6, 2006 from Uluru (Ayers Rock), Australia

Heading Bush: Day 9 - "Kings Canyon Rim Walk"
Glen Helen, Australia
Today more walking would occur. A lot more walking. In fact, part of this walk is actually known as Heart Attack hill. Oh fucking fantastic, I'll look forward to that then shall I?
Livin' On The Edge... K Well Lying On It Anyways
The trouble with these walks is that they're very much Had To Be There moments. The scenery is awesome and the photos never do it justice and the Kings Canyon Rim Walk is no different. Its also bloody hot and there's no escape from the sun which was Mike's Day 9 excuse for getting us up early.
Our Tour Guide Setting A Good Example
We did the usual shit, we hung over a cliff edge, I caught up on the sleep I'd been deprived of in the Garden Of Eden and me and Allison re-enacted a lookout sign. I won't bore you with words, just look at the pretty pictures.
The rest of the day we entertained ourselves with drinking beer, looking for widgety grubs (and fortunately not finding any), drinking beer, photographing feral animals (not us), doing stuff associated with 10 people sat in the back of a jeep for too long drinking beer and playing with melons.
As in paddy melons, you filthy minded buggers.
Tourists!
We were driving through Aboriginal land and there's a sharp corner where the locals have placed a barrel with the words "Lift Um Foot" which is to stop the mingers (Aboriginal word for white man, has something to do with ants) from tearing round the corner and crashing. Once you're round the corner there's another one that says "Put Um Back Down" but the first one is weighted with these melons which we signed.
We wrote the usual stuff on it, our names and a few words about us being feral and Groovy Grape being cunts and I wrote a little message; "I can't believe I'm sat in the middle of the desert signing a bloody melon." I thought it summed it up anyway. Everything to happen on this trip has been Once In A Lifetime.
Anyway, day 9, our last night together as a group. We marked the occassion with beer and the ceremonial burning of Alex's $1.50 hat and discussed how we were going to kidnap Mike and make him take us up to Darwin then down the west coast.
It's a swine when good things come to an end init.
written by  Koala Bear on November 7, 2006 from Glen Helen, Australia

Heading Bush: Day 10 - "Look Out, Alice Springs"
Alice Springs, Australia
Mike promised us a lie in! He let us sleep in until about 7am! Joy! I made a mental note to cancel the bounty I had out on his head.
Me And Allison About To Take Off
Today was awesome, the perfect end to a perfect trip. A few of us took a helicopter ride over Glen Helen before going for a dip in the gorge. The next stop was Ormiston Gorge which is like something out of a movie. Possibly quite a scary movie where everyone thinks they're in paradise but then realise that a serial killer is on the loose and they all start dying one by one in horrific ways... hmm, maybe I watch too much horror.
But nah, it was amazing. We caught some rays, had a swim then moved onto the next stop which was lunch closely followed by Ellery Creek Big Hole, another water hole you can swim in.
Ormiston Gorge
Ellery Creek Big Hole
Oh its a bloody hard life init.
We accosted a bloke on the way who was wearing an "It's Feral" t-shirt and made him have his photo taken with us. I quite sure we didn't scare him too much and he could have said no if he wanted. I mean, there's one of him and only 11 of us, right?
FERAAAAAAAL!
Eventually we rocked up to Alice Springs and went to our separate hostels. I'd booked into Annie's Place on the advice of a German bloke I met in a hostel in Port Campbell over a cup of tea. Its nice enough, only went there to sleep though. I had a shower and enjoyed being clean for a total of 11 seconds before I stepped out of the air conditioned room and resumed sweating profusely.
We all met up at Bojangles which has all kinds of exciting things like free peanuts (and they even let you throw the shells on the floor), food and beer. There's a live web cam feed so people all over the world can watch you dancing and they can request tunes.
Not Looking At All Camp There, Mike...
Fuck only knows what the other punters thought had come to town, when Mike and Hans rocked up we jumped up, screaming and clapping. A rendition of "Ohhh, My Walla" was in order while we waited for our food to arrive and we met a mate of Allison's who she didn't even know was in Oz. We adopted him, taught him our tune and later on he helped us take over the dancfloor as we jumped about to our Day Three anthem, Bohemian Rhapsody before heading to Melankas where we put Sam in the dancer's cage cage to stop him from pressing any more buttons.
Told you you weren't gonna live that one down, darlin ;)
Good food, awesome company, copious amounts of beer and dancing and free peanuts. A fitting end to a feral tour methinks. Can't wait to see you guys down the Painted Desert in the USA for our reunion.
written by  Koala Bear on November 8, 2006 from Alice Springs, Australia

Coober Pedy, Australia
The Big Winch in Coober Pedy, South Australia is a winch that is big.
The Big Winch
See, told you.
written by  Koala Bear on November 11, 2006 from Coober Pedy, Australia

Alice Springs And Back Again
Adelaide, Australia
Arrived Alice: 08/11/06
Left Alice: 11/11/06
"There's nothing to do in Alice Springs," I was reliably informed by the lass at Peter Pan Travel in St Kilda when I booked the Heading Bush 10 day outback tour, "Just get yourself a good book and sit by the pool for two days while you wait for the Heading Bush two day express back to Adelaide."
I still haven't read the book.
Ok, so I'm not saying that Alice is a 24 hour party town but when ya rock up with 10 of the best people in the world there's no time for this Sitting By The Pool stuff unless its with an esky of beer, pizza and your mates which was the order of the day on Thursday.
Alice is an odd place though, it was foolishly hot and it wasn't even summer. Its a decent sized town an all with these random reminders that you're actually in the middle of the desert and its an odd mix of backpackers, Aboriginals and white locals.
Allison And Her Birthday Chips. Or Fries. Whatever.
We spent loads of time down Bojangles on account of the fact it sells food and alchohol which are two of our favourite things in the world and I spent quite a bit of time in the internet cafe (no change there then) next to Melankas which is a hostel with a nightclub downstairs.
We spent a bit of time there an all, a few of the group stayed there but I ended up at Annie's Place which is nice enough, I was just hardly ever there. I'd have been better off just giving Bojangles $17 a night and sleeping behind the bar.
The Boys And Their 800g Steaks
Friday was an awesome day which involved shaving my hair into a mohawk on the dry river bed, watching Keith, Mike and Alex tuck into 800g steaks (they all finished them but Keith did it in 15 minutes flat) and helping Allison celebrate her birthday. At Bos of course, it has a live webcam feed and people all over the world can email in and request tunes to be played. Allison got shit loads requested and Tickers requested Voodoo Child for me. Loved it and went mental on the dance floor, cheers darlin ;)
We got her some appropiately named soap and in the absence of cake we stuck her Happy Birthday candles in her chips.
Yeah that's right, I said chips, not fries! Ha!
mutters something about Bloody Yanks*
Night Out @ Bo's
I'd stayed in touch with Toni whenever I had phone signal and she said I could stay with her and her Thai friend Tuk when I got back to Adelaide which was cool. Apart from mooning Groovy Grape and taking photos of a naked puff on a salt lake it was a pretty uneventful ride down, we stayed at Coober Pedy and drank lots of beer.
Salt Lake Minus The Naked Puff
On The Border
I rocked up to Tuk's place on the Sunday evening and spent the ensuing 9 days being fed Thai. Tuk is awesome, she's a top lass and as for Toni... well, she rocked my world.
All in all, not a bad time back in Adelaide methinks.
Me An' Ma Grrlz
written by  Koala Bear on November 20, 2006 from Adelaide, Australia

Adelaide: City Of Bad Hair
Adelaide, Australia
Lets make a list of things to do in Adelaide!
1. Barossa Valley. I would suggest wine tasting at Jacob's Creek but you have to drive there so that pisses on that bonfire unless you do a tour.
2. Kangeroo Island. I might even do this one on day. One day when money grows on trees.
3. Glenelg beach. Don't forget your warm hat and your windbreak though.
4. Mullet spotting. This is fun, I thought mullets were outlawed in the early 90s but apparently no one told Adelaide.
Down The Ed... The Pigs In The CBD... Glenelg... Mullet Spotting
Aaaand that's about it which is good really because everyone knows that there's a direct correlation between mullets and the inability to count past your fingers.
However Adelaide is where I met Toni, init (lass in the middle in the photo on the left). Bloody typical, you finally meet someone you really like and they choose to live in a place with more offensive haircuts per square kilometre than any other city.
Toni, I give you three months darlin before you find yourself down the hairdressers asking for "a little bit more off the top, please..."
written by  Koala Bear on November 20, 2006 from Adelaide, Australia

Kimba, Australia
Allegedly halfway across Australia is Kimba, South Australia, and this bloody Big Galah.
The Big Galah
Not flaming unfortunately but I'm sure that can be easily remedied with a can of petrol and a match.
written by  Koala Bear on November 21, 2006 from Kimba, Australia

Across The Nullabor: Day 1
Kimba, Australia
Left Adelaide: 21/11/06
Arrived Perth: 25/11/06
Kliff was meant to be in Mildura working towards his second visa but Mildura has a way of making you drink lots of goon and he also sliced his knee open in the shower so he couldn't work so him and his mate Tim met me in Adelaide and we did the 2600km drive to Perth across the vast expanse of Bum Fuck nothingness that is The Nullabor.
On account of the fact that it was a damn sight harder to say bye to Toni than it was meant to be and the need to drink copious amounts of tea to function correctly in the morning we left the lads hostel a little later than planned but we were soon on the road and heading 300km north to Port Augusta.
Yeah, I know Perth is west, tell that to the bastard who put the large body of water in the way.
We stopped in Port Augusta, re-fuelled, stocked up on food and beer then promptly broke down about 9km out because something had gone tits up with the electrics. As soon as I switched the lights on all the needles went mental and the car tried to cut out so we headed back to Port Augusta and got it looked at. Something had snapped off on the battery, one of the connecter thingy wotsits and it was only $35 to put right, I was looking at it the other day and it had white stuff all over it so I'd tipped water on it. I told Kliff, he blinked, looked at me like I was tapped and said, "You poured water on a battery?!"
Halfway Across Australia... Roughly
Oh come on, I have breasts, they cause me to look at mechanical things and think, "Oooh, lets make it shiny!"
Anyway, all good, it just put us back a bit so we camped at Kimba which has a Big Galah and the somewhat dubious claim of being Halfway Across Australia. Lord only knows where they're measuring from. New Zealand, prehaps.
written by  Koala Bear on November 21, 2006 from Kimba, Australia

Ceduna, Australia
Ceduna, South Australia, is meant to be famous for its oysters so what better place to try and force the Snot Like Seafood down your unwilling throat than in front of the Big Oyster itself.
The Big *Vomits* Oyster
retches*
written by  Koala Bear on November 22, 2006 from Ceduna, Australia

Border Village, Australia
Ugliest Big Thing ever.
Rooey II
Pass this thing at Border Village and cross into Western Australia if you dare.
written by  Koala Bear on November 22, 2006 from Border Village, Australia

Across The Nullabor: Day 2
Border Village, Australia
Tim was nearly dead on account of Kliff snoring in his ear all night.
The stumpy tail lizard I spread all over my car a little later on was definately dead.
We stopped in Ceduna which is the last big town before the actual Nullabor Plain so I bought me a swag because I missed the one I slept in in the outback. They're so much warmer than tents an all.
Zzzzzzzzzz
Just Not Happening
Most towns in Australia like to have some kind of claim. We passed one Middle Of Nowhere place claiming to be "The Town With A Secret." We didn't stop to find out what the secret was in case it was the special ingredients in the Backpacker Pies. Ceduna is famous for its oysters so we pulled up outside an oyster bar with the obligatory Big Oyster outside and Kliff got us a plate of six.
Wasn't happening.
I tried, I really did but it got to the back of my throat and my throat went, "What the fuck is that and why isn't it cooked?!?"
Tim politely declined Kliff's kind offer of Seafood That Resembles Snot.
More Things To Run Over
Absolutely Nothing To See Here
Later on we stopped at the famous Camel/Kangeroo/Wombat sign and finally hit The Nullabor. Nullabor Plain basially means Treeless Plain. Talk about getting literal, kilometers of nothingness, no phone signal, no radio. We only had a total of 200 songs on Kliff and Tim's MP3 players so we listed to them on repeat for the five days it took us to get to Perth.
Kliff And Tim, Setting Up At Border Village
From SA To WA
We camped at Border Village which is aptly named on account of it being on the South Australia/Western Australia border and took photos of the Big Kangeroo, Rooey 2, which is possibly the ugliest Big Thing I've seen since I got to Oz. Seriously, with this thing guarding the border you've half a mind to turn back.
written by  Koala Bear on November 22, 2006 from Border Village, Australia

Across The Nullabor: Day 3
Norseman, Australia
Word of advice. If you're going to fall asleep outside or kip in a swag, don't forget the insect repellant. I woke up with a few bites on my face, Kliff had War and Peace in Braille down one side of his mush, I swear down we counted over 100 bites.
It was a bloody hot day, must have been 40C, and it was today that we learned that if you pump the A/C to high in my car it makes the car smell like petrol.
Bugger.
Anyway, who needs A/C when you have a bottle of Febreeze you can empty out and fill with water. If you wind all the windows down and spray yourself its loads nicer and because of the reminants of Febreeze we all smelt lovely apart from Tim who hadn't showered since Adelaide. So armed with our new High Tech Cooling Device we carried on and finished the Nullabor. Piece of piss.
Doing The Longest White Line In Australia
About To Embark On The 90 Mile Straight
This part of Oz has the 90 Mile Straight, Australia's longest straight road. There's nothing to do for the next 146.6 kilometres but try to get road trains to honk you to keep you awake (and in Kliff's case, raid the esky for beer). We got 10 Honk-Honk points, not a brilliant effort. Come on road train drivers, do your part to keep backpackers alert and mildly entertained.
We finally got to Norseman and celebrated the Crossing Of The Nullabor with a BBQ and a few beers and we met lots of nice people to get horribly drunk with.
Nom Nom Nom
Such a friendly country, Australia.
written by  Koala Bear on November 23, 2006 from Norseman, Australia

Corrigin, Australia
After completing the slow and painful rehydration process and getting a good internet fix we hit the dirt track to Hyden which is the shortest distance west.
Hyden is home to another of Australia's famous Rocks With Names, Wave Rock, so called because its shaped like a big wave. I'm starting to wonder if Aussies have any imagination at all.
The Most Fun You Can Have With A Big Rock
We checked it out, did the obligatory Hang Ten tourist pose and fled before the flies had us for lunch. How can a country with so many spiders have so many bloody flies?
I wanted a nice, leisurely drive the next day and we didn't want to rock up to Perth too late so we camped at Corrigin, home to the dog cemetary and the record holder for most dogs on utes in convoy.
Record Breakers
RIP Lassie
Welcome to the country.
written by  Koala Bear on November 24, 2006 from Corrigin, Australia

Perth, Australia
Yeah yeah it's been a while since I posted Day 4, I have a valid excuse though...
hides booze under bed*
We'd already hit quite a few locusts before we got to Corrigin and the lass at the campsite we were on said it was only going to get worse and handed us a sheet of mesh to cover the front of the car with to stop them getting in the radiator.
Locust Carnage
Tell ya, we were grateful for it, it wasn't far up the road when we hit a plague of locusts of Armageddon proportions. I'm still picking the buggers off my car to this day.
Anyway, we arrived in Perth and booked into Billabong Backpackers which is where Maaike and Becky (mates from Echuca) are staying. Maaike's mate Cory will be arriving soon and we've got friendly with a German lass called Loody which means that the gays almost equal the breeders. Woo hoo.
I wish I could give you a constructive and coherant review of the hostel but I've either been working or horribly drunk by the pool on goon so I'll write something sensible sometime in the future.
That's if I still have readers by then.
written by  Koala Bear on December 9, 2006 from Perth, Australia

Employed Again
Perth, Australia
On account of the fact I've been concentrating far too much on the Holiday side of my Working Holiday Visa and kind of neglecting the Working side by the time we rocked up to Perth I was desperate for a job.
Maaike Working Hard
Aaaanyway, Kliff and Tim saw an advert in a Job Shop window by chance which was casual work setting up and taking down for shows and concerts for a company called Event Personnel Australia (EPA) so we all signed up for it. Its mainly crappy stuff like laying carpets, cleaning chairs or unloading trucks but sometimes it involves twenty backpackers who haven't got a clue what they're doing sticking tons and tons of steel together and hoping it doesn't fall down. Hmm, comforting.
The Wiggles @ Burswood Dome
Mash Potato Mash Potato...
Slightly sinister childrens entertainers, they're huge over here. We set up (bumped in) and took down (bumped out) for them and when we rocked up to clean up and take everything down security let us through to the front to watch the last ten minutes of the show. There were hoards of children everywhere. It was terrifying. And I've never seen such an offensive array of colours in my life, it was retinal rape.
Robbie Williams @ Subiaco Oval
Got sunburn and shouted at by Belgians. We also got fed although I can't help thinking its somewhat foolish letting an army of backpackers loose in a free buffet.
How Many Backpackers Does It Take To Move A Pallet?
Kylie @ Burswood Dome
After starting at 7am for the first shift on the Monday I was asked if I wanted to stay on and help with the shows.
Oh, ok then.
Even if it did mean I worked a 16 hour shift (ThinkOfTheMoneyThinkOfTheMoneyThinkOfTheMoney) and they had me on stage near the end to set up a prop (DontLookAtThePeopleDontLookAtThePeopleDontLookAtThePeople). That was nerve wracking, the rest of it mainly involved watching the show on a monitor or sitting under the stage. We were allowed to go through to the front for the last two songs an all so I got my Gay Disco fix.
Easy money.
God I Hope I Assembled That Thing Right
During the bump in I was idley wandering through the Dome looking for work when I was accosted and assigned to help assemble the stunt rigging with a man from Botswana called Jerry. The stunt rigging is the thing that carries Kylie over the stage while she sits on a moon and it's Jerry's sole job for the whole production. He puts the rigging up, he takes it down again and this time me and another backpacker called Phil helped him out. During the show I was stood backstage as the Pop Princess herself was performing the number on the moon and Jerry walked past, nudged me and said, "You helped put her up there."
I prayed to the gods I'd tightened the nuts properly.
Kylie is totally untouchable though, every time she walked from the stage to her dressing room the area was cleared. Mind you, she's so little you could easily trip over her or accidently crush her underfoot and you just wouldn't want that to happen. It'd take ages to scrape her out of the treads in your trainers.
All this being catered for has spoilt me, though. A tin of beans or a packet of noodles isn't enough now, I want a buffet full of foods I don't recognise and probably couldn't pronounce anyway.
The bump out on Thursday was easy enough. We were all handed a colour coded tent shaped like a T-Shirt and we had the whole show packed up in four hours and I found a red sequin which fell off the frock she wears when she sits on the moon and sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Yes, I sent it to one of my Gentlemen Who Favour Pastels friends in Denmark.
Random Information
I haven't managed to see a lot of Perth yet on account of lack of funds and the weird hours I've been working. A few of us went to Connections the other night which is Perth's attempt at a gay scene. We rocked up before 11pm so it was free to get in and I stayed sober due to the fact EPA hadn't paid me yet. It was odd, I felt like I should have been taking the stage down or something.
The hours for EPA are starting to dry up which means I'm gonna have to think about getting a Proper Job which is a shame because I love this work. I'm thinking about getting a riggers ticket when I have some cash, its about $1400 to do but its guaranteed work all over the world and you get to walk around with a ratchet spanner and feel important.
First things first though, I need to apply for my second visa and get my car serviced whilst trying to save enough money to learn to scuba dive, do a sky dive and travel the West Coast.
I'm gonna need a balaclava, a sawn off shotgun and a fast car...
written by  Koala Bear on December 11, 2006 from Perth, Australia

The Will To Live Has Left The Dome
Perth, Australia
If you happen to catch the Hopman Cup on the telly at all, please spare a thought for the poor bastards that just spent an entire Saturday uncovering the courts when it was 40C outside and all their mates had gone to the beach.
By Spare A Thought of course I mean Send Beer.
written by  Koala Bear on December 16, 2006 from Perth, Australia

Melancholy Moment
Oh come on, we all get these sometimes, even in the Best Country In The World. Its probably on account of the shocking goon hangover I have from the house party I went to last night, or maybe its because those bloody gloves they made me wear at work yesterday irritated the fuck out of my hands and now they're itchy and a bit swollen. At least I hope its the gloves and nowhere else I've been putting my hands.
Those of you who came here for a vaguely amusing post, sorry about that, I'm having one of those Thinking Too Much moments. I think that everyone you meet changes you a little bit, for the better or worse and some change you more than others, and I've met so many people over the last 7 months I think I've changed alot. A lot of my thoughts and the way I look at life have changed, I'm still not sure how though, right now I'm just fucking confused.
I've always believed in the two main laws of life; Everything Happens For A Reason and Something Will Crop Up.
But things have happened recently and I'm not too sure why. Maybe it'll become clear in a month or two, or maybe not for a year but right now it just fucking hurts and I'm questioning how happy I really am. Am I having fun or is it just a front? Have I been kidding myself that this is what I really want and have I just passed up an opportunity for happiness that I'll never have another shot at?
I thought that this travelling thing was the only realistic ambition I've ever had and I wasn't allowed to fail at it but now I'm wondering if this tunnel vision has cost me something that would have brought me more joy than spending shit loads of money on photo opportunites.
My only other ambition is becoming an Evil Genius and taking over the world but I haven't even started work on my secret underground lair deep in the heart of a dormant volcano and do you know how much lasers cost these days?
Anyway, now I've manged to suitably depress you all I'm off to advertise for minions and henchmen, why travel the world when you can own it.
Mwahahahahaha.

Random Nuggets Of Information #2
I was was gonna try and put a vaguely interesting post together tonight but I may have incurred brain damage from when I smacked my head last night and my retinas need replacing after witnessing the horror that is Lesbian Mud Wrestling.
My Eyes....
....MY EEEEYYYYYYEEEESSSS!!!
Calm down, boys. All it does is re enforce the theory that fat people should have their clothes stapled to them to stop them from taking them off in public.
Anyway, as a result you're stuck with the following crap.
Amusing Photograph Of The Week
Can't Find Smart Card
This is genuine, I took it myself and it hasn't been doctored in any way.
Compliment Of The Week
Bloke @ Work: I had a thought about you the other day...
Me: Yeah?
Bloke: I was thinking that no matter how ugly you try to make yourself, its not working.
Me: .... Erm.... Thanks?
What a charmer. I do hope he's single, enough to turn a dyke onto guys.
Snippets Of Conversation
Me and Maaike were discussing Collecting Flags, as in people you've shagged from different parts of the world. We were thinking we should get embroidered flags and sewing them to our backpacks purely so when people ask you when you went there you can reply with, "I didn't. They came here..."
Random Facts About Burswood Dome, Perth
1. The roof is held up by air pressure alone.
2. The rest of the building is held together with Gaffa Tape.
3. Some of the seats in the VIP boxes we're putting together at the moment are worth $10000 which aside from a Good View will get you a vaguely comfy chair on a rickety grandstand and a badly laid carpet.
Call me Scrooge but for $10000 I'd want free beer, copious amounts of cake, a topless waitress and oral sex.
Christmas Spirit
There's something inherantly wrong about donning shorts, a singlet and flip flops and walking past a Christmas tree on the way to the beach.
Medical Issues
I broke out in a rash the other day and the only thing I'd done differently the night before was I didn't drink any goon. I hit the box after work and the rash began to fade.
Its a swine when you get blood in your alcohol system init.

How To Tell You Picked The Right City To Spend Xmas In
Fremantle, Australia
Well there aren't many better ways to spend Christmas Eve than on South Beach in Fremantle with some of your favorite people in Australia, sipping vodka, playing games and watching the sun go down before snuggling into your swag and falling asleep to the sound of the waves lapping on the shoreline.
Santa Trev
Me And Kliff
The Grrlz
Maggot On The Beach
And there are worse ways to spend Christmas Day than waking up on the beach and munching Turkey sandwiches before heading off to Cottesloe for chilling, drinking goon, snorkelling and swimming. Hurrah for SPF 30+ suncream though, the sun is so bloody intense here, it would have fried my tender English flesh to an unrecognisable crisp within minutes. Later on we snuck into Loody, Maaike and Cory's hostel in Freo to watch films and... well... drink more goon.
And as for Boxing Day? Well, back to South Beach for a BBQ and more general swimming and crisping.
Best Xmas Eve Ever
So, what was the weather like in Britain? We got well into the 30s but I heard it was about 21C in Alice, 18C in Adelaide and Hobart and Melbourne had their coldest Christmas for 20 years ;)
Not that I'm gloating or anything.
gloats*
written by  Koala Bear on December 27, 2006 from Fremantle, Australia

Crispy Fried Lesbian
Bunbury, Australia
No sooner had I finished scraping the sand out of my minge from Xmas I was rendered blissfully unemployed until the 8th January which meant a day trip to the Nekkid Beach in Bunbury was in order.
Here's a fun fact: No matter how much SPF 30+ you smear on your White Bits they still burn.
It hurts to sit down.
It doesn't help that my arse is the size of Wales either, the next time I decide to get my kit off on the beach I'm bringing a 7.5 tonne truck of suncream and a team of slaves to apply it for me with trowels. Must remember to bring the scaffolding too.
I hope it doesn't peel, I really don't want a flakey arse. And what about melanomas? What if I get arse cancer and have to have it amputated? Actually maybe that's not a bad thing, if I could just get a bit sliced off it, just to reduce it to the size of Cardiff or somthing.
Anyway, I'm off to buy shares in moisturiser in an attempt to prevent the skin trying to escape from my arse.
limps away, wincing*
written by  Koala Bear on December 30, 2006 from Bunbury, Australia

Meh
You do your sit-ups and go to the gym so no one mistakes your gut as a ledge for their pint.
You soak in the bath for half an hour and shave all the relevant parts.
You ransack your wardrobe to try and find something that still fits so you can Look Your Best.
You take out a small loan so you can afford the extortionate entrance fees and artificially inflated drink prices.
And all this so you can go out for some forced enjoyment, pump your body with enough toxins to lay waste to a small country, end up a drooling, incoherent retard, pass out (possibly in a pool of vomit, not necessarily your own) and spend the ensuing 24 hours wondering what number bus hit you.
Out of all the new years I have endured and haven't been ill for I can think of one where I actually had fun. I'm obviously doing it wrong, but why do I have fun on every other night of the year but not this one?
Oh I'll smile for the photographs and sing Auld Lang Wotsit at midnight even though no one knows the words and I won't be coordinated enough to stand up, let alone cross hands and link with some other equally inebriated moron. But I won't enjoy it. Bah!
Happy Fucking New Year to you too.

And So It Begins
Apart from the fact that something quite obviously crapped in my mouth and part of my brain may have melted, last night was relatively painless. I retained the use of my basic motor functions, was still able to walk unaided by the end of it and I'm pretty sure there's no one I need to apologise to.
I went to a Maori Hangi where they cook food in the ground with hot rocks and sand, one of my favourite things in the world after free vodka is free food so it was all good. I crashed at a mates house where I got my very own room. It was weird waking up alone and not being surrounded by 7 other people, I didn't like it, give me a dorm room with a dangerous smelling fridge, a poor excuse for air conditioning and potential bed bugs any day.
Last year I fell foul of tradition and made pointless resolutions but then again I make these things every other day throughout the year. Sometimes I even do em. Here were last years:
1. Eat less cake.
2. Learn to do stuff that will result in a certificate or a shiny trophy. The trophy must be shiny, the certificate must be nationally recognised or at least very important looking.
3. Visit a place with a rude name once a month. (Unless it's raining. Or too cold).
4. Learn to cook something. Pot Noodles don't count. Neither do beans.
5. Eat more *gags* vegetables. This one is optional.
This year I'm just making one New Years Resolution which I think you'll agree is much more achievable than the above.
1. Conquer the world and enslave the human race.
Happy 2007, minions... uh... I mean, friends.
written by  Koala Bear on January 1, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Falling In Love Again
Look, I know I said I wasn't gonna let myself get emotionally involved again whilst I was travelling and I know its foolish to get into something this serious so soon after I had my heart broken.
Please don't lecture me, just try and be happy for me. We get on so well, we just clicked, y'know? I know she won't hurt me and I know that once you meet her you'll love her just as much as I do.
Kissing The Bride
Happy Occassion
She's a hot little Russian number I met in the bottle shop, it was love at first sight, I looked at her and saw her looking back at me and I knew right then that we'd be so happy together.
I know you might think I'm rushing into things but here are the photos of me and Mishka on our wedding day at Rainbow Lodge, the hostel where I'm staying at the moment.
I had to share her with two other people though.
The party girl, she is.
Hot Little Russian Number
written by  Koala Bear on January 2, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Invading My Personal Space
In order to get a second Working Holiday Visa in Australia its not enough to dedicate three months of your life you can't get back doing a job you didn't want in a part of Australia you never wanted to visit. You also have to have a very expensive chest X-Ray and medical to make sure you don't have anything nasty to spread around their fine country. Because you wouldn't have spread it around during the previous 12 months of course. Money grabbing cunts.
On account of the fact I have a couple of piercings and a few barely noticable tattoos I also have to have blood tests.
They're going to take my fucking blood.
WHILE I'M STILL FUCKING USING IT!
Why don't you just take a fucking kidney or two while you're at it? Or maybe a lung?
The Australian government are going to have my fucking DNA on file, not even the British government have that.
I'm scared.
What if they clone me? They might do with me being a perfect specimen an all, can you imagine a whole army of me? Terrifying. Incredibly good looking but terrifying all the same.
And what if somethings wrong with me? What if they find the dead foetus of my conjoined twin attached to my spleen?
What if its not dead???
Fuck I'm scared. I'm going in for the X-Ray and the blood tests on Monday and the medical is on the following Friday. A mate of mine had me worried they were gonna do a smear but they don't thank god, I don't want anyone scraping around my minge unless they intend to make me come afterwards.
Scared scared scared.
Last time I had blood taken my girlfriend had to come with me and sit on my legs so I couldn't run away.
Fuck I'm scared.
hyperventilates*
I'm off to find goon. Goon makes everything ok.
At least it does until the next morning when you have to remember where you left your braincells
written by  Koala Bear on January 5, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Things That Can Kill You #3
Fremantle, Australia
Just because you actually have to put Blow Fish in your mouth and chew for them to kill you it doesn't make them any less deadly. Just because they don't jump out of bushes and sink their teeth (and yes, they do have teeth) into you it doesn't mean they're any less scary than anything else that blows itself up to three times its size and gets all spikey when dragged from the water via a hook in its cheek.
Not As Deadly As They Are Ugly
And as I was the only one out of me, Kliff and Loody that would actually hold the damn things that makes me the Most Likely To Die that day. I laugh in the face of danger!
What A Catch
Kliff Getting Feral, Catching Fish
takes a moment to be big and clever*
Unless we're talking blood tests in which case I cry in public.
Twice.
takes a moment to be sheepish*
written by  Koala Bear on January 9, 2007 from Fremantle, Australia

Sacrificing Braincells On The Alter Of Goon
It has been brought to my attention that not everyone knows what this mysterious liquid known as Goon is so I have prepared this handy Cut Out And Keep guide to enable you to identify and avoid it.
1. What Is It?
Cheap wine and I use the term "wine" loosely. Comes in a box.
2. What Is It Made From?
Allegedly grapes but this has yet to be proven. Also contains fish, eggs, milk, traces of nut and the urine of a local wino.
3. How Much Can I Expect To Pay?
Between $8 and $10 for 4 litres unless you're feeling a bit posh then you can get the High Class stuff for about $12 to $14 for 4 litres.
4. Drunk From?
A dirty mug (the dirt is optional but advisable as it may dull the taste of the goon) or directly from the bladder.
5. Drunk When?
Goon O Clock. It's always Goon O Clock at Rainbow Lodge.
GoOoOoOoOoOoN!
Bogan? Who? Me?
6. How Does It Taste?
Indescribably bad but the first couple of mouthfuls usually numb your tastbuds anyway.
7. Side Effects?
Rapid loss of basic motor functions, drooling, regret and inability to remember where you left your brain the following morning.
Very dangerous when combined with free internet as it causes you to email people who probably don't want to hear from you right now.
Also gets you pissed from the feet up so you think you're fine until you stand up to go for a piss and fall over.
8. If It's So Bad, Why Drink It?
Its cheap and it works.
9. Games Include...
a. Wheel Of Goon whereby you attach a full goon bladder to a rotating clothes line and stand in a circle around it holding a cup and attempting to remain upright. Spin the clothes line, whoever the goon bag stops in front of has to skull a cup of it.
b. X Seconds Of Goon whereby you sit or lie down and someone stands over you and releases the goon into your mouth. The aim is to open your throat and drink as much goon as possible while your mates count the seconds. I saw a guy do 30 seconds once.
It is a good idea to keep a bucket handy.
10. Any Other Uses?
The bladder inside the box can be blown up and used as a pillow once a sufficient amount of goon has been consumed (it is also worth noting that if you drink enough goon a concrete pillow will seem just as comfortable).
It may also be possible to strip paint with it but this is untested, I'm just going off what it does to my internal organs.

And In Other News
Capsicums, known in higher society (which I like to call England) as peppers, are good for two things; Carving amusing faces into and throwing at people.
Me and Loody found this out when we started work at a capsicum farm last week. Loody already quit to go and be a farm hand in Bum Fuck Nowhere thus once again rendering me the Only Gay In The Village but I reckon I'll stick it out for another three weeks, it's not too bad, most of the day is spent picking and removing the stalks. You know you've spent too long picking when you pick one purely to lob at somones head and you still remove the stalk.
The Stoner; The Chinese Master; The Demon; The Retard
The others are a laugh too which makes it bearable, one day was spent plotting revenge on one of the guys girlfriends because she drew on him while he was asleep but I was banned from revenge related activities and branded a psycho after I started making a shopping list that involved a bear trap, some good rope, a big stick and a dark basement.
Psycho? Moi? That's the last time I try and help someone out.

Weather Forecast
Forty Fucking One Baby Yeah!
I have nothing witty or clever to add to that. I just wanted to gloat.

On Deserving A Slap
On account of no small amount of inebriation on Saturday night I managed to drop my sexy Samsung flip phone which I loved lots and lots from such a height (ie; pocket height but several times) that it broke very badly.
It is now in two pieces as opposed to the standard and mroe convenient one.
takes a moment to mourn*
Kliff gave me his $70 Nokia which is cool because I now have a phone (thank you, Kliff :)) but it sucks on so many levels. Black and white screen, no calendar, no camera, no WAP, not even a To Do list function. Plus I hate Nokias, never owned one, never wanted to.
Maybe if I bill it as Retro it'll make me feel better.
But not much.
However, there is one small but significant saving grace. I now have Snake!
Yeah yeah, I know Snake is sooooo '95 but bugger you, I've never had Snake before, I even have Campaign Snake but why oh why can't I get past level three?
I'm a master at the entire GTA series, some of the biggest and most complicated games in the world but I can't get past level three on an ancient game that involves four buttons and very litte hand to eye coordination. I feel like a spastic.
Mind you, it makes waiting for trains a bit more bearable and it takes my mind off that shocking classical shit they play at Perth station. I feel like I've been fucked in the ears every time I get a fucking train in this city.
But still, I will give oral sex for a new Samsung flip phone (conditions apply).

YEAH YEAH!!! :)
Who's the happiest backpacker in the world? That would be me then because the Australian government has granted me my second visa. I don't have to get rained on at the bus stop or get beaten up by chavs for 20p until at least May 2008.
Officially Staying
It was even worth having my blood sucked from me in a non-erotic manner. Uh... not that I'd get off on that kinda thing anyway....
kicks collection of vampire porn under the bed*

Things To Do On A Saturday In Perth
In order to fully appreciate the good stuff, start by having a really shit day. I recommend doing laundry with a hangover due to a night out at The Court as this will give you about an hour on your own to think too much about things.
Once the laundry is finished, hide in your room for a couple of hours and sulk.
Grab a couple of Irish blokes and drive down to Blackwall Reach in north Fremantle and spend the ensuing two and a half hours throwing yourself off the cliffs into the Swan River.
Eoin And Darragh
When we rocked up half the Billabong crew were there, I was chatting to a lass I knew from when I lived there and she told me it was a long way down. As in, you actually have time to think about stuff on the way.
Oh good, because I need more time to think. I'll work out what I'm having for my tea and make a shopping list then.
Its awesome though, such a buzz. If you ever go to Perth or Freo do not leave until you've hurled yourself the alleged 10 metres off these cliffs into the water.
Don't forget to grab a load of mussels off the rocks for your tea later on.
Taking The Plunge
Don't Jump Off Cliffs
Once back at the hostel, put the mussels in a bowl, stare at them blankly and discuss exactly how you're meant to cook them until one of the Italians wanders off with them and returns with fantastic meal of pasta, sauce (containg goon, she might be Italian but she's still a backpacker) and of course the mussels you risked life and limb to collect earlier that day.
It was bloody lovely but she wasn't happy, claiming that as an Italian it put her to shame because some of the sauce came out of a jar. I also learnt that Italians never cook with water because in Italy, water is only for washing in. You cook with and drink wine.
I'm so fucking moving to Italy.
Munch on that while watching the comet over the Perth skyline from a balcony.
Comet McNaught; Pic Shamelessly Stolen Off Wikipedia
I fucking love my life.

F**king Hot
If I don't blog for a while it's because I've melted.

A Celebration Of Australia (And Beer)
The 26th January is Australia Day or Shameless Excuse To Take The Day Of Work And Get Pissed Day.
Being English, in the true spirit of the day I wanted to go and oppress some Aborigines, steal some land, destroy some ancient culture and generally spread disease and hardship but no one else seemed up for that so instead we filled three Falcons with backpackers and headed back down to Blackwall Reach to throw ourselves off the cliffs again.
Woo Hoooooooo!!
At This Point He Was Demanding Vodka
Rainbow Lodge @ Blackwall Reach
Fraser's Alternative To Cliff Jumping
Meh. Maybe next year I'll reclaim Uluru or something.
We had an awesome time anyway, after we finished at the cliffs we headed down to the beach before deciding it was Too Hot (no, I never thought those words would leave my mouth either) so we headed back to Rainbow Lodge before the sun fried our tender European flesh to an unrecognisable crisp for frequent cold showers and goon. And as we'd been cliff jumping it meant Italian style mussels for tea again. Fuck yeah.
Eoin Gets To Shower With Two Lesbians
It's illegal for just anybody to buy fireworks over here (unless you live in Canberra where you can also buy hardcore porn but I guess there needs to be some kind of incentive to live there) which means that 99% of Australian phone boxes are still in one piece and no one knows how far a cat goes with a rocket tied to its tail. It also means I missed out on Bonfire Night and the local attempts at New Years fireworks were piss poor. I've been pyrotechnically deprived.
Oooooooooohh.....
....Aahhhhhhhhhhh
Thank the god of all that is shiny, slightly dangerous and smells faintly of gunpowder and burnt flesh for the Australia Day 2007 Perth Skyworks. In the absence of a hot bird I curled up with Eoin on the foreshore to watch the display where we also had a fantastic view of the south bank which they managed to set on fire.
Pretty blue flashy lights and fireworks going off in directions they're not meant to.
All we needed was a hoard of 10 year olds standing outside the shop trying to get people to buy rockets for them to put through the neighbour's letter box and it would have been just like home.

Slaving Over A Hot Stove
The other night I cooked for 6 people (under strict supervision of course) and guess what. No one died!!
Heres my Rainbow Lodge recipie for Bangers And Mash.
You Will Need:
21x Various Meat Sausages
6x Vege Sausages
1x Block of Butter
1x Head of Garlic
1x Block Of Cheese
1x 4kg Bag Of Spuds
1x Box Of Gravy Granules
1x White Onion
1x Bag Of Frozen Peas And Sweetcorn
1x Dave
1x Annabelle
1x Sarah
1x Gayle
How To Make It:
1. Wait for Annabelle to tell you to keep Dave out of the garden while they decorate it for his birthday. Stare at her blankly until she tells you to peel spuds.
2. Accost Dave and make him help you peel and chop and put the spuds on to boil. Ask many stupid questions to keep him in the kitchen.
3. Get him to grate the block of cheese for the mash. Pick at it profusely.
4. Decide you're going to start chopping garlic for the mash. Make sure this takes a while. Do the lot.
5. Concentrate intently on the garlic and eventually someone will come and put the sausages on for you.
6. When Sarah asks how long the spuds have been on for, shrug and mutter "Dunno... A little bit I guess" and continue with the garlic before being dragged into the garden to wish Dave a happy birthday. Return to the garlic.
7. Eventually, Gayle should enter and ask if the sausages have been turned. Respond with a drawn out "Errrrrrrrrrmmmmm....." This has a better effect if you drool a little bit.
8. Watch Gayle turn the Sausages.
They Trusted Me With The Pointy Stabbing... I Mean Cutting Thing.
For What We Are About To Receive Please Don't Let It Poison Us
9. Sarah will show up and make onion gravy around this point. Also, if you check the stove someone will have put the vegetables on for you.
10. Continue chopping garlic.
11. Once all the garlic has been chopped and Sarah has checked that the spuds are cooked, drag Dave away from his birthday celebrations and get him to mash the spuds.
12. Watch in horror as he chucks the whole block of butter in and reassure your arteries that there will be a punishing gym session the next day.
13. Dish up and eat before you keel over with starvation.
See, fucking master chef, me.
(Point to note: There is so much garlic in this that even your urine will smell of garlic the next day. Don't be surprised if your work mates avoid you)
Tidy Boy Dave
I'm not one for tearful goodbyes darlin, its the worst part of backpacking without a doubt but I will genuinely miss you and one day I might even let you have my babies although I've already promised our first born to Satan on account of the fact I already sold my soul for a packet of Tim Tams.
Good luck with the sponsership.
written by  Koala Bear on February 1, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Sleep Is Over Rated....
....And its a bloody good job it is because over the last 75 hours I've had a not-so-grand total of 9 hours sleep. I've currently been awake for 28 hours after 6 hours sleep and before I slept for 6 hours I was up for 27 hours on 3 hours sleep.
Without the aid of narcotics!!!
Do not expect this post to make any sense.
This is all on account of the fact I landed myself a second job in a nightclub. No, not as a skimpy, no one wants to see my saddlebags swinging in the wind plus if they cranked the AC too high I'd take out half the bar with a nipple and I just don't need that on my mind.
I'm a glassy at Connections, Perth's gay club. It's usually quite cock-heavy down there but it was the re-opening night so there was a good mix. I also holed myself up on the new outdoor terrace so I managed to avoid too much Hairy Man Nipple Action so I'm not in need of too much therapy right now and the ego has been sufficiently boosted. I am officially hot.
According to drunk people anyway.
Shiny Disco Balls @ Connections
Not A Bad View From The Work Place
I feel surprisingly great, I feel better than I do when I get proper sleep. I wonder how long I can actually stay awake for using only the power of Red Bull and stupidity.
Anyways, it's my birthday soon and I'd like a large quantity of amphetamine and an intravenous caffeine drip, please.
Moving Rooms
It's surprising and somewhat worrying how many people are actually willing to sit on a wet tin roof next to a lesbian with a lightening rod for a face and watch a storm but this is what occurs in my new room at Rainbow when I'm not sat on the flimsy excuse for a roof watching the sunset over the Perth skyline, drinking goon and wondering exactly how much weight tin can take.
Sunset As Seen From My Room
Watching A Storm On A Wet, Tin Roof
I've moved into the penthouse suite (otherwise known as the staff room) upstairs which doesn't have bunk beds, has a TV, a hammock, a balcony overlooking Perth and a fridge that won't give you E-Coli.
Going up in the world, me.
Do come and visit, darling, just mind you don't bang your head on the chandelier now.
written by  Koala Bear on February 9, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Brought To You By Hallmark
Love Sweet Love
* Posh meal for two in a fancy restaurant with an overpriced, limited set menu which you can't pronounce and like none of anyway: $150
Wine that comes encased in glass as opposed to a shiny silver bag in a box and doesn't corrode your internal organs: $20
Unimaginative gift picked up at the petrol station on the way home from work as an afterthought when buying Twisties and a can of oil because you forgot it was Valentine's Day and everywhere else is closed: $15
Being blissfully single, having all your disposable income to yourself and spending it on a vibrator: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's pornography.
written by  Koala Bear on February 14, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Being Crap
Don't you just hate it when you fancy someone so much that you can't hold a conversation with them let alone make eye contact and even if you could think of anything vaguely coherant to say it'd just come across as retarded mumbling and slight dribbling so you resort to following them around the club trying to get up the bottle to say hi whilst hoping they don't notice you're practically drooling in their pint then just end up stalking them from a distance anyway?
No?
Uh.... no.... me neither....
neatly folds restraining order and places it in bottom drawer*

Partying Like Its My Birthday

Not The Same Thing
If I get stroppy and miserable because its raining and I'm piss wet through and not in a good way, comments like "But doesn't it rain alot in England?" really don't help.
We have these things in England, they're a marvellous invention, they're called Roofs and when it rains we stand under these Roofs and they keep us dry.
We don't sit in a Field picking fucking capsicums!!!
And therein lies the difference.
Wankers.
written by  Koala Bear on March 2, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Oops
I shall now be spending the rest of my time in Perth assembling industrial shelving on account of the fact the capsicum farm asked me not to some back although I can't say as I'm too gutted about losing that particular job.
It takes a special kind of slack to get fired from a capsicum farm.
Always knew I was special.
wanders off to lick some windows*
written by  Koala Bear on March 24, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Wagin, Australia
Lonely Planet lists the Big Ram in Wagin, Western Australia as the ugliest big thing ever.
The Big Ram
Well they musn't have endured the horror that is Rooey II at Border Village then although the ram certainly has scarier bollocks.
Me, Loody And Annabelle missioned it to Wagin one day to have a gawp at this beast and its testicles and yes, I know I have an un healthy interest in the sheep scrotum but I'm sorry, they're a fucking tourist attraction on their own, I'm not kidding, there will be blogs all over the internet that bang on about this Big Things nut sack.
Orrrrr maybe just mine then...
Loody And Annabelle On The Road
Oh Come On, I'd Just Worked A Night Shift
If you're Welsh or otherwise into sheep, Wagin is the place to be, even the swimming pool has pictures of sheep painted on the outside and the pub we went to had paintings of people in compromising positions with their Ovine friends.
Welcome To Wagin; We Have Sheep
Biggest Bollocks In The World
Or they could have been shearing them. We weren't about to question the pastimes of the locals, we know what Aussies to to backpackers that ask too many questions.
written by  Koala Bear on March 25, 2007 from Wagin, Australia

All Good Things Come To An End
I haven't really blogged a massive amount while I've been in Perth because most of the stuff I've got up to has been general day to day stuff. Working, drinking, playing, drinking, chilling out, drinking etc. I've been working eight shifts a week and spending my free time with mates so while I've been having a massive amount of fun it hasn't really been blog worthy.
But anyway.
If Perth was any more laid back it'd fall into the ocean and drown. I don't give a fuck that the CBD doesn't open until midday on a Sunday, I don't care that I can't do my food shopping after 8pm, I can even forgive the ear maiming music they play at the train station and the small excuse for a gay scene, its a week until I leave and quite frankly I don't want to.
Ever.
I fucking love it here.
I love living at Rainbow Lodge. "Not So Much The Warm Heart Of Perth, More The Liver Spasm." Chilling on the roof or in the garden getting hammered on goon, chatting, laughing, wondering who I have to apologise to for the previous evening's behaviour. I love the people there, the games, the fucking about. The Lodge is how all hostels should be but don't expect to have clean feet for the entire time you live there.
I loved working for EPA doing the event personnel work although a small amount of emotional scarring may have occured when they put me on stage at the three Kylie gigs in front of thousands of people to set up a prop.
Graeme's Angels
At The Kylie Bump In
I love my job at Connections, getting paid to drink vodka, chat, meet new people and perve on hot girls. Its made me appreciate small gay scenes more than I did living in Oxford and I love being a part of it. I actually look forward to going to work and yes, I know this is inherantly wrong and I may be due for a slap.
I love the stunning beaches, the perfect sunsets, the amazing weather. I love throwing myself off cliffs into allegedly shark infested waters, I love pretending I can surf and catching fish I can't eat. I love Northbridge and all its bars, pubs, clubs and restaurants.
The people I've met, both locals and backpackers and the things I've done in this city, the most isolated city in the world that most backpackers ignore will never compare to any other city ever again, I feel like I'm home.
Scary shit!
I love backpacking, the temporary lifestyle suits me down to the ground. No responsibilities, no commitment, no worries, new people every day, new ideas and experiences, no chance to ever be bored. If you don't like somewhere, move. If you don't like a job, quit. But one thing that will never ever get easier is saying goodbye to the people that have become your family and to the places that have become your home.
Perth; The Best City In The World
Perth is another of those places and experiences that will forever be etched into my heart, I don't think I could have picked a better place to spend Far Too Long in but all good things must come to an end.
They have to for even better things to happen.
written by  Koala Bear on April 2, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Happy Easter
I wanted to blog about the four day Easter Weekend as it marked the end of the four and half months in the city I fell in love with but as it was conducted entirely through a haze of goon and sleep deprivation you'll have to wade through the following bollocks to find some sense.
Friday
Got in from work at about 4.30am and was greeted by Raz, Sarah, the Aussie boys and several litres of goon.
Today was mainly spent trying not to sleep for fear of waking up with things missing such as eyebrows and dignity, I got back from the shower to find Raz passed out on the floor with Crispy and Alex standing over him with a razor, a biro and a tube of superglue. I dutifully fetched the penis shaped ice mold from the freezer in our room.
The Dangers Of Sleeping
Chillin' In The Park
Nom Nom Nom
The rest of the day was spent down by the river drinking goon and generally getting in touch with our inner backpacker.
Saturday
I can't even remember what I did today. I know we had a full English breakfast cooked Aussie style on the BBQ and I know I went to work in the evening but everything in between must have been stored in the part of my brain that leaked out of my ear yesterday.
Sunday
Began drinking early as tonight would be my last shift at Connies. I'm gonna miss that club and the people there so fucking much, seriously, it's never been so hard to leave a job before.
Sunday seamlessly melted into Monday with the aid of vodka and goon.
Monday
Goon. Coma. Goon. Beer. Goon. Coma.
Man, I could have stuck to that couch forever. I was so content, glued to the sofa slipping in and out of consciousness. I decided I wasn't ever leaving Perth or indeed the TV room, I was going to remain in that spot for the rest of my life being handed pies and cans of coke.
Then I had to go for a piss and the spell was broken. I decided to resume drinking.
You know normally when you have a hangover you just have a dull ache in one part of your head? Well my entire brain felt swollen, I felt like I should drill holes in my temples to relieve the pressure. I needed alcohol that wasn't goon before my basic motor functions failed me so I went to the pub with Emily, Swoop and another mate of theirs.
After the pub me and Swoop returned to the goon. Beer runs out. Goon never does. Goon will always be there for you and when you forsake it in favour of beer it always forgives you and takes you back.
At least until the following morning when it exacts a horrific revenge.
I left for Kal this morning nusing my aching kidneys and wondering how much a liver transplant would be on the black market.
So, how was your weekend?
written by  Koala Bear on April 10, 2007 from Perth, Australia

Meckering, Australia
The Big Camera in Meckering, WA, is the shell for a camera museum.
The Big Camera
It's located on the Great Eastern Highway, the road between Perth and Kalgoorlie which is ironic as there's fuck all to photograph on this road apart from the Golden Pipeline which is the 650km pipeline that transports water from Perth to Kal and isn't actually Golden at all.
You can even drive the Golden Pipeline Heritage Trail.
The (Not Very) Golden Pipeline Trail
Excuse me while I contain my excitment.
written by  Koala Bear on April 11, 2007 from Meckering, Australia

South West Loop: Day 1
Kalgoorlie, Australia
It's a weird one is Kal, it's a mining town with a populaton of about 30000, 80% of which are blokes. The roads are really, really wide (goes back to when camels were the main form of transport, you can't back a camel train up so they just made the roads wider to turn them round instead) which makes jaywalking an extreme sport and the main form of entertainment are the skimpy barmaids.
Ah, skimpies.
They made our time in Kal that much more fun. They wear lingerie behind the bar and go round with a jug called the Titty Kitty (which we never get asked to donate to on account of having breasts of our own) then they disappear for a while and return with stickers on their nipples.
Apart from drooling and planning a three day hike to cross the road the only other things to do in Kalgoorlie - Boulder are visit the Super Pit and one of their many fine brothels. So we did.
Super Pit
It's an incomprehensibly large hole in the ground where they dig for gold, you know, with it being a gold mining town an all.
A Huge Fucking Hole In The Ground
Too Big To Fit In One Photo
A Sod Off Great BIg Bucket
Not Just A Pit... A SUPER Pit
They have blasts a few times a week which you can go and watch but the one that was on while we were there was right at the bottom of the pit so apart from a small rumble we didn't see or feel much.
Meh. Cop out. Its a free way to kill a few minutes though and believe me, after a day in Kalgoorlie - Boulder you'll be looking for anything to kill a few minutes.
Langtrees Brothel Tour
Langtrees 181 Brothel
I think there are quite a few brothels here but at least three of them run tours so we opted for the $35 Langtrees 181 tour because that seemed the classier option and as you know, me and Loody are all about the class. They don't let you take photos though so check out their website (http://www.langtrees.com) and see all the rooms they have. One of my personal faves is the Holden On Room despite being a Ford driver. See, I can put our differences behind us in the name of taste and decency.
As well as hiring out girls they hire out the rooms to couples (or however many, they have a Roman Orgy Room) and one of them has a big TV for watching porn (or a Disney movie, whatever takes your fancy) and a video camera mounted on the wall so you can make your own.
Porn or a Disney movie that is. Hey, I don't judge.
I'd rent it but I've got no one to rent it with and $250 per night seems a bit steep just to have a nice sleep.
Drinking And Girls
Us, The Lads And A Skimpy
So all that was left was to check out the skimpies. We got gooned up at the hostel (hey, we'd already had our daily dose of class at Langtrees init) then headed to The Exchange Hotel. I'd love to give you a coherant and sensible write up but we both know that's not gonna happen on account of the fact that the braincells that weren't killed over Easter died a death this night.
The Exchange Hotel
The Only Way To Travel In Kal
The night was spent tearing round the streets in shopping trollies, meeting randoms, molesting the statue of Hannan (the founder of Kal), dancing outside the brothel because they had good tunes and generally perving.
Fucking awesome night out.
written by  Koala Bear on April 11, 2007 from Kalgoorlie, Australia

South West Loop: Day 2
Norseman, Australia
Best Breaky In Town
We woke up nursing a hangover and rolled out of bed in search of breakfast and in true Kalgoorlie style we rocked up to Hannan's Hotel for a skimpy brekky - The Best Brekky In Town. Certainly one with the best view ("It's at the bottom of the fridge, darl, at the back..."). They have a 6am licence so the night shift workers can get their beer and boobs fix and the food is cheap and greasy. My favourite. The atmosphere was obviously different from last night, there were only a handful of lads in and they were chilled out and friendly.
Wot You Lookin' At?
After we munched our hash browns, got our internet fix at the overpriced internet cafe and completed the slow and painful rehydration process we collected our new Canadian friend whos name at this point we couldn't remember and headed to the Coolgardie Camel Farm ($4.50 each entry, $5.50 for a short camel ride, $18 for half an hour round the paddock and $30 for an hours bush trek)
We found out all kinds of fun and exciting things about camels such as they have a Split top lip, they crush food between their bottom teeth and a hard top gum, they stink and they're ugly. We were also told that they can kick forwards, backwards and sideways. We slowly backed away before we got roundhoused by a ninja dromedary.
Me And Loody Go Trekking
Me, Loody, Kim And A Camel
The camel farm is good for a laugh and a handy way to find out someones name if you've known them too long to actually ask it. We got her to sign the visitors book, her name's Kim but she abandonded us in Norseman anyway where we spent the night as she met a mate (who, randomly, knows our mate Bex coz she works at the Travellers in Esperance) who was heading all the way to Esperance that day and for some reason that appealed to her more than sleeping in a cold, damp, one man tent next to two drunk lesbians in swags.
Pah. Some people have no sense of adventure.
written by  Koala Bear on April 12, 2007 from Norseman, Australia

South West Loop: Day 3
Cape Le Grand National Park, Australia
Esperance hasn't had much luck recently. It was devastated by a cyclone a couple of months ago then the birds started falling out of the sky on account of lead poisoning then elevated and dangerous levels of lead were found in and around the port, in rainwater tanks and in people.
And what day do we rock up?
Friday the fucking 13th.
Oh joy.
Nommage
We decided to offset the potential misfortune so after meeting Becky for lunch at the famous Beryl's Eats (oft mentioned on Nathan and Nat in the morning on Nova 93.7) we headed to Lucky Bay at the Cape Le Grand National Park ($10 per car to get in, camping is $7.50 per person per night), about 60km east of Esperence which can be described with two simple words.
Fucking. Stunning.
White Sands, Crystal Ocean
Paradise (If You Can Ignore The Hyperthermia)
With its white sands and clear, turquoise ocean you could be forgiven for thinking you'd died and gone to heaven and there'd be free chocolate cake and vodka when you got back to camp. The illusion is somewhat shattered when you attempt to swim in the aforementioned clear, turquoise ocean though, it might be WA but its still the south coast, its bloody freezing, you could have hung yer coat off my nipples.
We decided that attempting to fish would be the way forward. I say attempt, we can both chuck a line in and sometimes fish get stuck to it but we haven't actually got a bloody clue what we're doing.
The Only Way To Fish
Dusk At Lucky Bay
Well the fish had a good feed at our expense anyway and one of them did decide that the shiny, pointy thing looked tasty so after ripping the hook from its tender flesh and traumatising the hell out of the poor bugger I lobbed it back in.
written by  Koala Bear on April 13, 2007 from Cape Le Grand National Park, Australia

Esperance, Australia
Lucky Bay At Dawn
At Least Something Looks Good In The Morning
We've had a couple of good views at breakfast recently, we have. There was the skimpy in Kalgoorlie and this morning we munched on our beans and sketti whilst admiring the view from the top of Frenchman Peak at the National Park. Ok, so it took us half an hour up some pretty steep bits to get up the 1.5km to the top and I'm about as surefooted as a crippled giraffe but it was worth it.
Breakfast Of Champions
No, really, it was worth nearly getting holes in the arse of my trousers as I slid back down because standing up really wasn't working for the abject fear of dying on the side of a hill I had. Why oh why do I continue to put myself through these climbing things? Its not like I'm even getting much exercise, I generally crawl up on my belly and slide down on my arse, clinging onto rock face for dear, sweet life and not actually having much fun.
Frenchman Peak
At The Top
Oh yeah, that's right, its pretty at the top. Man I'm so easily bought with shiny things.
Sammy The Sealion
Esperance is all about the beaches and the Saturday was overcast and threatening rain, not exactly beach weather even by my dodgy British standards. We also couldn't find anywhere to stay before 4pm because the hostels didn't open until then so we couldn't even start drinking and we didn't fancy checking into a camp site with the weather the way it was. We might be mad but we're not fucking stupid. So we resorted to our new hobby - Pretending To Fish. We headed past Sammy The Sealion down to the end of the jetty and got chatting to Mitchell, a 12 year old local lad who knows his shit.
Mitchell
Mitchell loves fishing and he's good at it, he showed us how to kill, scale, gut and fillet a fish and even how to catch herring with a straw instead of bait. I felt so feral, maybe tomorrow I'd go hunting roos with a spear or grow my own vegetables or something. It turned into a wicked day, the sun came out, we saw some dolphins and we even went home with fish we'd caught ourselves and full instructions on how to cook them. See its not just an adventure, its a fucking education.
I wonder which goon would go well with lead laced herring.
Catching Dinner
Appetising, No?
Cleaning Our Tiny Din Dins
Yeah It's Not Much But It's Ours
That night we picked Becky up from the Traveller's Inn where she worked and headed down to The Pier, Esperance's excuse for a nightclub, and got hopelessly trashed. Loody staggered home before midnight but me and Becky decided that sleep was overrated and kept on through the night, stumbling back to the hostel at 7.30am after a 3km walk back along the beach as the sun rose over the islands.
Sunrise Over Esperance
written by  Koala Bear on April 14, 2007 from Esperance, Australia

Esperance, Australia
I feel like someone liquidised my organs.
I must have lead poisoning.
Obviously.
written by  Koala Bear on April 15, 2007 from Esperance, Australia

Hopetoun, Australia
Having made a miraculous recovery from the (coughs)lead poisoning(coughs) me and the Loodmeister found ourselves with time to kill while we waited for Becky to sort her shit out, get paid, say goodbye etc so we headed off to the Great Ocean Drive Tourist Loop which consists of pretty views, a wind farm and the reknowned Pink Lake.
Great Ocean Drive Tourist Loop
10 Mile Lagoon Wind Farm
The Allegedly Pink Lake
Not quite pink though, is it. More of a Pinkish But Only In A Certain Light And If You Have A Liberal Definition Of What Actually Constitutes Pink Lake but that's not quite as catchy now is it. It killed some time though and if you're gonna go to Esperance you might as well check it out, there really are some good views but call me a hardened cynical bitch, you've seen one beautiful ocean view you've seen them all, right?
We picked Becky up at around one and dragged her away from her friends in tears. Oh come on, it was for the best, we were gonna take her on an exciting adventure, a fun filled roller coaster ride, a magical mystery tour. We were gonna take her to.... Hopetoun!
Damn Hippies
God I hope she doesn't hate us forever.
Hopetoun is a Bum Fuck Nowhere town roughly halfway between Esperance and Albany so we'd decided to break the journey up and stop there for the night so we checked into a campsite where we met Butch.
Butch suits his name, he's an ex-bikey, a huge fella with more ink than skin and devil horns tattooed on his forehead. He gave us a cup of sugar for Becky's tea, invited us to sit round his fire and cooked us a massive BBQ of all kinds of meat products. The freezing cold and the promise of a feast overrode the Wolfe Creek Moment and we joined him for the evening.
Butch
Wolfe Creek Moment
See, this is why so many backpackers go missing; We're far too easily bought with Free Stuff.
written by  Koala Bear on April 16, 2007 from Hopetoun, Australia

Albany, Australia
Aside from posing in front of a windmill and pissing ourselves laughing at Becky refusing to get in the car on account of two horses who seemed to think she was made of grass and polo mints blocking the way the journey to Albany was uneventful.
Attempting To Look Dutch
Niiiiiice Horsey
So was Albany. We were handed a Buy One Get One Free beer token for a local pub when we checked into Albany Backpackers (we recommend this hostel on account of the free coffee and cake) and we decided it would be shockingly rude to refuse. Well we wouldn't want to upset them now would we and of course you can't just go into a pub and spend a beer token, its only polite to stay for a few more.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur.
That bloody lead poisoning must have come back.
written by  Koala Bear on April 17, 2007 from Albany, Australia

Denmark, Australia
Dog (ish) Rock
If you're a town in Australia with not much going for it, why not make things look like other things using only the power of suggestion. For example, why not tell people that a rock looks like a dog, call it Dog Rock, make a huge thing about it and put it on every postcard. Trust me, people will come and take photos of it. I guess it does look a bit like a dog though... If you stand at exactly the right angle, close one eye and squint with the other.
After doing the obligatory tourist things with rocks and stocking up on goon we headed to Torndirrup National Park to marvel at The Natural Bridge and The Gap.
I use the term "marvel" loosely.
The Gap
The Natural Bridge
The Gap is quite literally a gap in the cliffs whereas Natural Bridge is some rocks that join other rocks together thus naturally forming a bridge like structure. How do they always make these things seem so much more impressive in the postcards?
Me, Bexster And The Loodmeister
Posing
We amused ourselves by taking photos of aforementioned gaps and rocks and of each other and headed off to Denmark for a BBQ by the river because we'd walked up some steps today and had earnt the right to a plate of fried spuds and grease.
And we genuinely wondered why we gained weight on this road trip.
Staple Diet Of Spuds And Grease
written by  Koala Bear on April 18, 2007 from Denmark, Australia

Walpole, Australia
These books are indispensible:
Seriously, if you're a tight arse or just a bit skint they will save you a fortune in accommodation expenses as long as you're of the school of thought that facilities are unnecessary and hygiene is overrated. Suited us. Last night was our first free campsite, a rest stop about 16km out of Denmark. Once you stop seeing shapes in the dark and get over the fear of being brutally murdered you start to realise that free camping is the only way to spend the night. No check out times, no curfews for noise, no one to offend with over zealous singing of songs that contain the word "cunt."
You just have to remember to get out of your feral free camping habits by the time you check into a pay site.
Today we headed up the river on a paddleboat where we learnt exactly why Becky doesn't have a drivers license. Me and Loody got butch and peddled while Becky steered. Well, kind of steered, I now know what the Denmark River looks like through my fingers anyway.
Licenced For 3 People (Provided One Of Them Has No Legs)
This Took me Forever And I Still Failed
Later we headed up to Walpole and checked into Coalmine campsite which is without a doubt one of my favourite pay sites. They let you have a camp fire and the showers are awesome. Here's a handy hint; if you're after saving water don't make showers so as people don't want to get out of them. Try installing those power ones with the really fine jets of water that hurt your nipples if you turn round to face it instead like they have in most hostels. I also recommend cockroaches and a definite stench of urine.
Sampling The $16.50 Goon
Ming
We chilled here for the night drinking the worlds most disgusting overpriced goon (its all we could get at short notice when the horrific realisation set in that we were about to run out) until the heavens opened and quite literally pissed on our bonfire.
It was at this point we remembered why we were heading north for the winter.
written by  Koala Bear on April 19, 2007 from Walpole, Australia

Pemberton, Australia
Bex And Loody; The Valley Of The Giants
After the wonders of Dog Rock and the Natural Bridge we decided we couldn't possibly take any more rock related excitement. Fortunately, Walpole is the home of the Valley Of The Giants tree top walk, for about $8 you get to take a stroll through the tingle trees from a bird's eye height with not a single Rock With Name to photograph because you feel obliged to. After the rain scuppered our carefully laid plans to get drunk round the fire on nasty goon we hoped that it hadn't caused them to close the walk, after all, they did say they closed it in adverse weather.
Turns out that our idea of adverse weather had become somewhat perverted after spending so long in a Perth summer. If it drops below 25C we break out the thermals and huddle round the fire with a Cup-A-Soup, a few drops of rain and we worry about flash floods and drowing. I don't think I could cope with English weather ever again.
Valley Of The Giants Walk
40 Metres Up
One of the first things we saw as we got to the walkway was a warning sign, dripping with rain water, stating "Slippery When Wet." Hmm, comforting. And the walkways sway. What the hell kinda sadist designs walkways 40 metres up in the air that fucking sway?? Still, if you're in the area you should check it out although its not as long, high or scary as the Otways Skywalk that me and Kliff did on the Great Ocean Road.
Wanna Root?
After The Millionth Pic You Get Creative
By the time you get down, if you haven't had enough of trees you can check out the Ancient Empire Walk which is just a quick stroll though some more tingle trees. Hey, if tingle trees are all you have you might as well milk it for all it's worth init. They have massive holes in the trunk where they've been rotted by fungus or eaten by creatures and with this in mind we still got in them all for a photo op. Relentless tourists? Us??
And and and! Guess what else you can go and see in Walpole?! No, go on, guess....
The Great Tingle Tree! The biggest tingle tree of them all!
Shall I wait awhile while you contain your excitement?
Inside The Great Tingle Tree
Its Great... Its A Tingle Tree... Its THE Great Tingle Tree
Fuckin' Waaaaasted!
Anyway, it was onwards to Pemberton and a Minimal Fee Site (read: Free If The Ranger Doesn't Catch You Site) at Big Brook Arbetorum with drop toilets (it's advisable to practise Not Breathing if you ever have to use one of these things) a fire pit, a huge stack of wood to burn and a rusty plate that swung over the fire for cooking on. I strongly advise you never to attempt to cook on these things unless you think the rust will add a desirable texture to your fried spuds. We're usually alone in these places but this time there was an older couple on the other side of the site. I'm sure they enjoyed our repeated renditions of London Underground, an expletive filled song about the perils of travelling on the London Underground sung to the tune of The Jam's Going Underground, which had become the anthem for the trip and the power ballads we belted out through the thick blanket of goon that enveloped our brains.
And this is why we free camp as much as possible.
written by  Koala Bear on April 20, 2007 from Pemberton, Australia

Margaret River, Australia
Gloucester Tree
Today we would be climbing the irrationally tall Gloucester Tree, the tallest bush fire lookout tree in the world and they still use it today if the planes can't fly. There are three trees in the area you can climb, the Diamond Tree is a bush fire lookout but not as tall and the Bicentennial Tree is the tallest but it's just a tourist attraction, it's never been used for bush fire lookouts. We settled for just the one, our interest in trees was beginning to wane.
In preparation we cooked up some bacon and eggs on the BBQ at Big Brook Dam because we would be earning the grease later then headed off to see what all the fuss was about.
It's one of those situations where you stand at the bottom looking up and thinking "why the fuck am I going to climb this thing again?" You get up it using long pegs that are driven into the tree, spiraling up it to the top and the pegs bend when you step on them.
Bend!!
Whats the problem with using proper, solid structures in this part of the world??
Buy hey, we made it to the top, oohed and ahhed at the view and climbed back down because the novelty of being 61 metres higher than normal soon wears off. My arms killed the next day.
Cape Leeuwin Lighthouse
Southern/Indian Ocean
After the trauma had worn off and we'd invested in some well earnt souveniers we headed off to Point Augusta, home of Cape Leeuwin lighthouse and where the Southern and Indian oceans meet. This is worth checking out because you can actually see where they meet, the waves seem to come in a different angles, sort of moving away from each other slightly. Ah bugger it, go check it out yerselves, I can't do all your bloody sightseeing for you now can I.
Where The Oceans Meet
Officially Back On The West Coast
Point Augusta is the most south-westerly point on mainland Australia so this put us officially back on the west coast. Naturally this earnt us a celebration so we got to Margaret River, referred to as Margs by the locals, checked into the Inne Town Backpackers then booked into Goodfellas restaurant because they let you BYO. We rocked up with a cask of goon which they promptly decanted into a bottle and put on ice. See, going up in the world, us. We made mental notes to ditch most of our friends when we got back to Perth on account of them no longer being posh enough for the likes of us.
Note How The Pinky Is Held Aloft Whilst Pouring
Us And Our New Mate, Darko
After we dropped the rest of the goon back at the hostel we kidnapped the hilarious and somewhat camp Darko, our roommate (and yes, Darko is his real name) and headed off to The Settlers for more drinking even though I ended up spending most the night and a whole lot of credit texting Swoop.
I've decided I'm going to have that part of my brain removed that makes me like people until I can afford shares in Optus.
written by  Koala Bear on April 21, 2007 from Margaret River, Australia

Margaret River, Australia
Darko had his day all planned, he was going to have a lie in and spend the afternoon on a wine tour. Ohhh no, we liked him and wanted him to come and play with us. We dragged him off to the caves for the morning.
There are a few caves up the aptly named Cave Road but the three main ones are Jewel Cave, Lake Cave and Mammoth Cave. Its $17 each to get in or about $44 for all three, I love caves and would have done all three but the others weren't up for it and the guy at Jewel Cave said if we only wanted to do one then we should choose Jewel or Lake. Jewel is the biggest and most interesting, Lake is small and the prettiest.
Ooooh, shiny things! Lake Cave it was.
Caves
More Cavey Stuff
Darko, Me, Becky And Loody
The rest of the day was spent chilling and wishing we didn't have to leave. Margs is cool, its got a bit of a hippy vibe to it and loads of good places to eat. I reckon I could happily spend a couple of weeks here providing it was still summer and I had loads of money so I could eat some where different every night. The hostel had a chilled out atmosphere as well, sort of like Rainbow Lodge but cleaner. Yeah man, one day when I have cash Margs is on my list of places to do again along with Kal because I want to rent one of the rooms at Langtrees brothel.
I'm all class, me. Drinking goon out of wine glasses that was poured from a bottle has certainly gone to my head.
Random Margs Moment
That night we missioned it out to another free camp about 20km out of Margs. By the time we got there it was pitch black and pissing it down with rain but by some miracle we still managed to find it and huddled together in the back of my Falcon to make dinner and decide who was going to investigate what the fuck that loud, mechanical mooing sound was. We eventually tracked it down to a solar panel thingy, god knows what it was there for other than to freak out backpackers but at least it wasn't Robo Bovine.
Making Dinner In The Back Of A Sedan
Yep, camping in the middle of nowhere in the dark can do weird stuff to your imagination.
written by  Koala Bear on April 22, 2007 from Margaret River, Australia

Balingup, Australia
There's not much more to see between Margs and Perth, no rocks or trees to keep you entertained, just lots and lots of beaches and it was too cold for that sort of frivolity so we decided to cut inland to Balingup for our next stop, the place where Loody did her WWOOFing (Willing Workers On Organic Farms, you work for about 4 hours a day and you get your food and accommodation. Its popular with backpackers because it counts towards your 3 months for your second visa).
But first, there was a jetty to marvel at in Busselton. At 1841 metres its the longest wooden based jetty in the southern hemisphere. Yep, that's nearly 2km and guess what? The little train was out of action because the jetty was no longer strong enough to support it.
What was I saying before about solid structures?
Busselton Jetty
After we failed to catch any fish we settled for a tin of spaghetti then started the trek to the end because they have an Underwater Observatory where you get to walk downstairs, below the sea line and look at stuff through windows that you daren't touch just in case they're due to cave in. And all this for the modest sum of $20. Yeah, it was a bit pricey for what it was, just some fish and some pretty coral but it was quite cool and the exercise meant we'd earnt the biscuits I'd got from Woolworths before.
$20 Worth Of Coral Viewing #1
$20 Worth Of Coral Viewing #2
Its not easy finding some of these free campsites in the dark, ok? The roads are often unsealed and not marked on the map and the directions are sometimes vague. Ok, so I nearly got us lost but fortunately loody knew the area so we gave up on the site and headed to the farm where Loody had spent 10 days and Sarah (from Rainbow Lodge) was still staying where they fed us Proper Food and let us stay at Sarah's lodge on the farm for the night.
Chillin' At Sarah's
I quite liked it there, I don't reckon I could live there too long on account of the lack of phone signal and the fact the toilet is outside and there's no lighting outside the lodge and I have an inherent fear of werewolves but half the lodge was made out of an old bus and lets face it, thats fucking cool!
Part Of Sarah's Lodge
Outdoor Dunny; Watch For Redbacks
written by  Koala Bear on April 23, 2007 from Balingup, Australia

Balingup, Australia
The Big Mushroom suits Balingup, Western Australia down to the ground.
The Big Mushroom
That's all I'm gonna say in case they stop smoking dope long enough to file a lawsuit for making drug related insinuations.
written by  Koala Bear on April 24, 2007 from Balingup, Australia

Donnybrook, Australia
The Big Apple in Donnybrook, Western Australia has been brought to you by the wonders of digital zoom on account of the fact its been closed to the public for years and you can't get anywhere near it.
The Big Apple
Well I'm sure its vastly more impressive up close.
Sure of it.
written by  Koala Bear on April 24, 2007 from Donnybrook, Australia

Bunbury, Australia
If ever there was a town that suited a statue of a big mushroom, Balingup is it. Its a tiny litte hippy town with not much to do but you can kill a few hours there just checking out The Cheese Factory (has nothing to do with cheese), the Magic Mushroom Bakery (nothing to do with magic mushrooms), the Exotic Tree Park (exotic meaning English) and the various little craft shops.
Exotic Trees
Magic Mushroom Cafe
We spent the morning there then headed up to Donnybrook for an hour of Tai Chi, stopping at Kirup Tavern for a bottle of the lethal Kirup Syrup. Me and Loody have had this before at Rainbow although Loody doesn't remember too much about it because that's the kind of drink Kirup Syrup is. You can only get it in this one place, possibly because it might be illegal in several countries.
Amnesia In A Bottle
After the most surreal Tai Chi ever (the class was taken by a dead woman from beyond the grave using the miracle of VCR. What, like they couldn't have got a new instructor?) it was onto a pay camp in Bunbury so we could do laundry and at least pretend we remembered how to be clean.
written by  Koala Bear on April 24, 2007 from Bunbury, Australia

Not Exactly BIG Now, Is It
Brunswick Junction, Australia
The Big Things Website, ( http://www.bigthings.com.au ) lists the Cow On The Corner in Brunswick Junction, WA, as a Big Thing so we dutifully rocked up for the obligatory photo shoot.
Cow On The Corner
Not particularly big now, is it. In fact it's distinctly Cow Sized.
Not ones to pass up an opportunity we spent a few minutes molesting anyway it causing a local in a ute to drive past shouting, "Get off the cow!"
Oh come on, what the fuck else are you meant to do with it?!
written by  Koala Bear on April 25, 2007 from Brunswick Junction, Australia

Jarrahdale, Australia
One of my favourite things about Australia is the sheer amount of public holidays they have, any excuse for a day off, they even have a day off for the Queen's birthday and we don't even do that in Britain. However, public holidays are only any use if you actually have a job to take a day off from so ANZAC day (25th April) kind of passed us by.
Awwww
We spent $5.50 to go and feed some kangaroos at the Big Swamp Wildlife Park in Bunbury because roos are really cute in a Could Gut You With Their Bare Hands kinda way. They have loads of other things to stuff full of grain once you've gotten bored of snarling at the small children who try and take your roos off you. They have emus, goats, parrots and the most disturbing looking chicken in the world that looks like its brain escaped through a small hole in its forehead.
Me, Loody And A Roo
What The Fuck??
Dooooooom!
Later, as we neared Rockingham we started to freak out, there were so many cars and so many people, we weren't used to sharing our space with people, it'd mean we'd have to behave ourselves. We were sort of thinking about heading to another pay camp that night, with us being so close to Perth we didn't think there's be too many free camping options but the book didn't let us down and we ended up near Jarrahdale, a nondescript place but we didn't care. It was our last night before we were forced back into civilisation so we set up camp in a rest stop way out in whoop-whoop and cracked open the Kirup Syrup.
The rest of the evening was spent laughing until we hurt and making stuff out of wax and matches. It was on this night that we learnt that making nipple moulds out of tea lights can actually be quite painful.
Bexster And A Fingerful Of Wax
Tea Light Nipple Mould. Ouch.
Man, who'd have thunk it?
written by  Koala Bear on April 25, 2007 from Jarrahdale, Australia

Home
You know when you want to spend your first night back just getting your shit together, settling in and generally having a quiet one then you go for One Pint and the next thing you're at some random new gay night in a part of town you never knew existed slurring into your over priced beverage and sucking helium from balloons until you have to sit down before you fall over while onlookers tut and shake their heads?
Yeah?
That.
So that Thursday is how the Perth weekend began.
Friday
The entire time I was in Perth I never went to The Rise on account of the fact my Friday and Saturday nights were spent running around Connections stealing peoples ice cubes (you have no idea how possessive people get over their ice cubes) and shouting at folks for attempting to pole dance off the outdoor heaters. Gutted. The Rise is awesome, pure duff duff music til the wee hours, glow sticks and all kinds of shiny things to keep you entertained, I could easily have spent far too much time and money here.
P-A-R-T-Y
Becky, Ashley (My Barman) And Loody
Apart from a quick excursion to Connies to say hi to a few people this is where we stayed for the night and danced until my glow stick arm ached.
Saturday
The worst people to ask for things to do in a city are the locals because they never do the tourist stuff. Seriously, ask me what there is to do in Manchester and I'll stare at you blankly and wave vaguely in the direction of the nearest pub. Ask me what there is to do in Oxford and I'll probably laugh at you and give you directions to the train station with instructions to get the next express to London.
So this is how me and Loody ended up at Perth Zoo with Emily (a mate of mine from Connies) because according to Emily there's nothing else to do in Perth.
Rhino Arse
Lanky Yellow Things
Meercats. Everyone Loves Meercats
Cute In A Big N Ugly Type Way
Ah well, its a none stressful way to spend a couple of hours wandering round like a slack jawed imbecile because you still haven't slept yet, it gives you an excuse to buy souvenirs and its pretty big an all, you get yer $17 worth.
Night time and it was down to Connections where I completely over did it and had to get Swoop to remove me from the club. I'm sure I had a good night, I just can't remember right now.
Yeah yeah, I know this is a brief account considering I didn't sleep for over 50 hours but hey, details currently evade me.
Letting Go
It was good to be back in Perth, I love this city so much, its the only place I've been where I could call home and could see myself spending a good few years. Damn these foolish immigrations laws. I'm never going to be able to live here, I have nothing Australia wants and no way of getting it. I miss Perth so much it hurts but I don't think going back again will be a good idea as much as I'd love to, I need to let go now and just keep the memories I have. Always forwards, never backwards. It was so hard to leave last time I was reluctant to spend another weekend here but it was good to see everyone again, everyone from the club, Mark who I worked with at Dexion, whoever was left at Rainbow and Swoop.
I Love This City
Saying goodbye is hard enough, its even harder trying to explain to people who don't travel why you have to say goodbye when you blatantly want to stay.
Just because it hurts it doesn't mean it's not for the best.
written by  Koala Bear on May 1, 2007 from Perth, Australia

West Coast Mission: Day 1
Lancelin, Australia
It felt weird leaving things the way they were with Swoop, we didn't exctly part on the best of terms for reasons I still haven't quite worked out and she was off to Newman to start her new job on the mines the same day we were due to head up the West Coast. I sort of felt like I should have dropped her at the airport and chased the plane down the runway waving a white hanky and shouting "Darling! Don't forget to write!"
Ah well, what's done is done, what will be will be and all that other bollocks.
Aaaanyways, joining me on the trip up the coast would be Loody (a German lass I know from Perth) and Bexster (English girl I know from Echuca) who were on the South West Loop, Darragh, an Irish bloke who was one of the first people I met at Rainbow Lodge when I moved in and Craig, an Aussie mate of Becky's from Esperance.
Supplies
No sooner had Craig landed in Perth, we dragged him straight to the bottle shop to introduce him to the magic of goon; If he was going to be an honorary backpacker then he was going to have to learn to drink like one. We argued over what brand we should get, we all liked different ones, then we ultimately decided that they all taste as bad as each other so we settled for the cheapest. Backpacker rule number one; If its cheap enough you'll soon get used to it.
The staple diet of the South West Loop had been chilli and garlic so we stocked up on these as well. Of course we mixed the two with other ingredients such as Food but generally chilli and garlic were what we lived on. And here were we thinking that people avoided us in Rockingham because we were dancing to ringtones and singing London Underground at full volume in the shopping centre...
And we were off.... almost.
It was down to me to plan the route out of Perth because I'm a tyrant and a control freak, drove the lead car and had the maps and the free camping book. It took me about 15 minutes to find a route because, as Becky said, I'm easily distracted by shiny things and hot girls. Swoop was still on my mind. Damnit.
Eventually we made it to a rest stop about 20km south of Lancelin where I was deemed unsuitable to operate a telecommunications device whilst under the influence of goon and we had full signal here so my phone was switched off and handed to Becky to stop me making Phone Calls I Would Regret.
Me, Loody, Becky, Darragh And Craig
I'm such a sad cunt sometimes.
Anyway, that was day one. Not the most exciting unless your idea of fun is Woolworths in which case may I recommend Getting Out More but it was cool, we were finally on our way, Becky had the Big Scary Man (Darragh is 6'2") she'd been wanting all round the South West to protect her from axe wielding psychos and everyone got on.
Bring on the road trip.
written by  Koala Bear on May 2, 2007 from Lancelin, Australia

West Coast Mission: Day 2
Cervantes, Australia
Lancelin; Has some fucking big piles of sand. There was only one thing for it, fork out $10 for a board so we could spend two hours sliding down them. Or in my case, sitting halfway down the dune making that noise you only make when you accidently bang your tail bone.
Let's Get Hurt!
I couldn't get past halfway before my bottom half started moving faster than my top half and I ended up landing so hard my anus felt like it had retreated into my lower intestine and gone on strike thus ensuring I'd never shit again. That didn't stop me trying again though... Sandboarding, not shitting that is.
Only Loody and Craig made it to the bottom standing up, the rest of us muttered vague excuses about the boards being dodgy or there not being enough wax on them and of course the sand was still a bit damp from the recent rains and I must have left my sense of balance in England or something and who wants to get to the bottom anyway coz you'd only have to get back up again right? It's good fun though and as it's The Only Thing To Do In Lancelin you should definately give it a go if you're doing the West Coast.
After scraping the sand out of our pockets and various other places it had no right being we handed the boards back in and continued north to Cervantes, home of the Nambung National Park and the Pinnacles Desert.
The Pinnacles are, surprise surprise, some rocks. Its clinically proven that the best way to make rocks interesting is alcohol or sunset and as me and Loody had to drive, sunset it was. We rocked up and paid our $10 per car entrance fee then entered the desert, expecting to see a few rocks sticking out of the ground.
Arty Shadows At Sunset Photo
The Pinnacles
There's thouands of them of varying sizes, it's actually pretty fucking awesome. You can drive though them, park up and go for a wander. There weren't too many people there either, I think all the coach tours are there in the middle of the day, it's an eerie place to be. I'm a cold, cynical bitch, I'm not easily impressed by stuff unless its shiny or has breasts or isn't a rock but I thought it was wicked there and the sunset was cool an all.
The Five Of Us At The Pinnacles
In case anyone gives a fuck, they'e formed by limestone and erosion and something about quartz blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. That doesn't explain why they're only there and nowhere else in Australia or at least the region so me and Darragh found a better explanation. They're alien eggs. Obviously. Think about it. Goon might help or maybe some hard drugs.
More Pinnacles
Yep, More Rocks
Camping in the National Park is illegal and you'll be hit with a $1000 fine if they catch you but there's loads of free camps in the area around Cervantes with tables and chairs and fire pits you're not allowed to use on account of the total fire ban. After the sun had set we found the nearest one and set up camp for the night and lit some tea lights and it was then that I decided I was going to show Loody how to change the gas bottle on her stove using the candles as a light.
Can we spell r-e-t-a-r-d?
Oh come on, I didn't expect a little bit of gas to escape did I, I'm not a fucking fortune teller and... what..? what was that..? I don't understand, what is this "Common Sense" of which you speak...?
After I'd put the small blaze that shot up my arm out and run around in very small circles like a headless chicken with one foot nailed to the floor while I tried to decide if I should run away or kick the flaming gas stove away from Becky's tent the fire burnt itself out and I thanked the god of People Who Don't Think Too Much that I'd managed to screw the fitting completely into the bottle a split second before it caught.
Join me next time, ladies and gentlemen, when I intend to go swimming in shark infested waters during rag week.
written by  Koala Bear on May 3, 2007 from Cervantes, Australia

West Coast Mission: Day 3
Geraldton, Australia
On account of the fact we'd been free camping since Perth we decided to spend tonight in Geraldton at a pay camp with all kinds of exciting things like flushing toilets and showers. Ashley, my barman, is from Geraldton and Swoop has something to do with the place an all. Both had told me not to bother with the place but hey, it was on the way and it's somewhere to spend the night init.
HMS Sydney Memorial
We checked in to the site and spent the afternoon fishing on account of it being Not Quite Warm Enough for swimming. There's also a memorial to HMS Sydney or something, it's made up of big, metal seagulls, each one representing someone who died on the ship. Why oh why they chose seagulls, the most repulsive creature in the world surpassed by none, not even mozzies or flies or overweight lesbians with an aversion to bras and shaving was beyond us but still, we checked it out and took photos and generally concurred with Ash and Swoop. Geraldton aint worth the effort.
No, I Have No Idea Why They Chose Seagulls Either
written by  Koala Bear on May 4, 2007 from Geraldton, Australia

Kalbarri, Australia
Red Bluff Camp Site
It is compulsory whilst doing the West Coast to visit Kalbarri National Park, failure to do so will result in being mocked and ridiculed by your peers and people will point and laugh at you in the street so we duly pulled off the highway and followed the loop that runs through the town of Kalbarri, checked into the cheapest campsite in town, Red Bluff, then hit the unsealed track to the national park itself.
Infinately Pinker Than The Other One
Stunning Coastline
One of Kalbarri's most famous landmarks is Nature's Window which marks the beginning of the 4 hour walk called The Loop. Thank fuck it's at the start, it meant we didn't have to bother with the walk because its recommended you take a lot of water and all we'd brought was goon. We just did some contrived "look at us relaxing nonchalantly whilst gazing through the Window" posing for the camera and spent the rest of the time twitching and waving our hands around, interspersing this with outbursts of, "Fuck off, flies!"
Contrived Posing In Nature's Window
The Z-Bend
Seriously, if you're going to check out Nature's Window and the Z-Bend take a fly net then at least you can relax and enjoy watching the other people wandering round spasming and shouting like spastics with Tourettes. Oh what the fuck take a job lot of 'em and flog them to the fools that forgot to bring one of their own, you'd make a small fortune. Other Great Aussie Business Ideas I've come up with include a sandwich bar halfway up any tourist attraction that involves walking up a hill and a bottle shop at the top of Uluru.
Fucking Flies!
After some more driving round, oohing and ahhing at the scenery and further verbal abuse of insects had occurred we headed back to the town as the sun set. Me and Becky had the power ballads blasting and we were shouting along as Craig cowered in the back whimpering, "Watch out for the cows..."
Meh, I had the cows covered and I assured him of this as I swerved to avoid a particularly startled looking bovine.
One of the things that shits me about this country is the signposting or lack thereof. When you get to the end of most unsealed roads all there'll be are some black and white arrows indicating that you need to turn left or right because onwards is no longer an option unless you drive a monster truck or you're feeling particularly adventurous and/or stupid but there's never any help as to which way would be best for you. So I swung a left and carried on driving as Celine Dion informed us at several decibels above what is deemed to be safe for the average eardrum that her heart would indeed go on. Good for you, girl.
It was about 20kms up the sealed road when I noticed Loody was flashing her lights behind us so I pulled over. Apparently she'd been shouting into the two way radio we had since I'd taken the turning, she didn't think we'd gone the right way. I thought about it... this was feasible... we had after all been driving for quite a while since we came off the track, certainly longer than we should have been... oh fuck... no, clearly we weren't going the right way.
Oh come on, its not like we were lost is it, I mean, I knew exactly where we were.
It just wasn't where we were meant to be.
written by  Koala Bear on May 5, 2007 from Kalbarri, Australia

Kalbarri, Australia
Kalbarri Alarm Clock
After we'd kept the entire camp up all night wailing along to London Underground and singing Irish songs we thought we should make a quick exit the next day before we got lynched, especially as everyone would be up early on account of the hoards of galahs sat on the telephone wires over the road making more noise than we had. A galah sandwich would have gone down well for breakfast that day. Oh come on, I mean, we didn't get to sleep until late either...
We'd decided yesterday that we'd hire a little power boat today and head up the Murchison River to do some fishing, its only something like $90 for 4 hours so despite the weather not being great we all chucked $20 and that got us the boat and a load of bait. We just made sure we took warm clothes, a few tins of sketti and a healthy dose of optimism. Forgot the bloody goon though didn't we and everyone knows that goon aids fishing as well as keeping you warm.
There's all kinds of things to hire here, from powerboats to paddleboats and you can hire them for one hour to a full day. When we hired our boat he took the $90 plus a $20 returnable deposit. Deposit? For what? Even if there was any way we could rob off into the ocean with a tin can that didn't go much faster than a jogging pace would $20 really cover the loss?
Loody, Me And Craig
Note The Number 13 On The Outboard
Darragh's First Fish
Chiiiiiiillin'
We piled into the boat which had a number 13 ominously painted onto the outboard. I made sure I knew the exact location of the life jackets when Darragh handed control of the steering over to Becky. We maneuvered the boat over some shallow parts and rocks that we weren't meant to have crossed before lobbing the anchor over the side and wondering if we were going to be able to pull it back in again. Darragh and Becky caught their first fish ever and Craig caught a blue swimmer crab. We put bands on its claws and poked it a bit, wondering if there was any way it could feed five people before deciding that it was pointless keeping it so after thoroughly traumatising it we chucked it back in.
Craigs Got Crabs...
Ah well, noodles for dinner again then, ay.
After we returned the boat in one piece we headed back onto the highway for some more free camping where we could be as loud and as feral as we wanted without fear of revenge attacks.
written by  Koala Bear on May 6, 2007 from Kalbarri, Australia

Monkey Mia, Australia
Stromatolites
The Shark Bay area is about 130km up a peninsula that has loads of side roads where you can pull over and marvel at... well... pretty stuff. Loody had heard about Hamelin Pool, the first turn off after the highway so we dutifully drove down and checked it out.
It's the home of the stromatolites which are apparently responsible for a whole lot of the world's oxygen and if it wasn't for them then oxygen breathing lifeforms such as us wouldn't have evolved. Let's be honest, they aint much to look at but if you actually consider what they are then they're impressive and they're millions of years old. If you check them out when the tide is in apparently you can see the little bubbles of oxygen they produce.
Wow, I can't believe I managed to construct an entire paragraph about rocks. I'm proper getting into the Aussie spirit, just hand me a shrimp and a barbie to chuck it on and I'm away.
You have a choice of two areas to stay in here, Denham is a proper town with phone signal and supermarkets and it has a hostel and other places to stay. About 25km from there is the Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort which is where the dolphins come to visit for feeding time every morning so we decided to stay there for a couple of nights.
Monkey Mia
Monkey Mia is fucking cool, it's $6 each to get into the resort (pass is good for 2 nights) then you can choose to camp ($12 per person per night) or there's a backpackers or cabins. They also have a little shop on the resort, an awesome self catering kitchen, a restaurant and a bar, a pool and a spa plus the beach and the dolphin interaction centre. For the first time I really felt like I was on holiday, we didn't feel like we were roughing it here at all despite still camping, I mean, it's a resort for fucks sake.
A resort!!
I'd never stayed in a resort in my adult life before, I felt so posh, the urge to decant goon into a wine bottle was almost overwhelming.
Spin Me Right Round Baby
This was pretty much the first place we'd stopped where the sea had been warm enough to have a proper frolic so I cunningly hid the map that had the words "Beach Access; Please Note That Sharks Are Often Spotted In The Bay" so no one would freak out. Oh come on, sharks? In Shark Bay? Who'd have thunk it? After an afternoon on the beach reflecting on what a hard life we lead we headed to the bar before me and Becky decided to check out the spa. We were somewhat apprehensive about getting into water at this time of night when it was starting to cool down, remember, May is autumn going into winter in this part of the world. It only took one toe in the water to realise that this was where we'd be spending the evening so we fetched some towels, the others and copious amounts of goon and spent the ensuing hours singing, splashing and playing a game with an inflated goon bag that involved clinging onto it while the others spun you round.
Pissed And Rowdy
Hmm, copious amount of alcohol combined with spinning round in circles. Obviously we never thought this one through properly.
I'm not sure what time it was when we got thrown out of the spa nor do I remember going to bed. I must have pulled my trademark passing out trick because the next thing I knew it was morning and the neighbours were ranting about the inconsiderate, loud bastards that woke the camp up last night.
Wow, I must have been tired, they never woke me up ay.
written by  Koala Bear on May 7, 2007 from Monkey Mia, Australia

Monkey Mia, Australia
It was about 6.45am when I woke the others up for Dolphin O' Clock, we were here for the dolphins and damnit, I wasn't going to let a mere thumping headache and stomach churning waves of nausea stop us. Kitted out with a camera and the grim determination not to collapse before breakfast we made our way to the beach with the rest of the tourist circus.
The Beach At Monkey Mia
Tourist Circus
The dolphins rock up at about 7am and about 4 of them are in the feeding program. They take ages to get them into the program because they have to make sure that they won't be adversely affected by it and they don't give them a full day's quota of fish because they want to make sure the dolphins remain self sufficient. In days gone by they used to let you touch and swim with the dolphins but they stopped that when they started biting tourists so they put a stop to it about 6 years ago. These days they ask you to stand well back and out of the water when they start feeding, only the rangers and the lucky few picked out of the crowd to hand the fish to the dolphins are allowed in.
Well Cute
You Laughin' At Me?
And this is where standing out like a spare prick at a wedding comes in handy. Ok, so I've been turned down for jobs and people stare and cross the road to avoid me but hey, I'm noticeable, you can't miss me and if anyone is going to be picked out of a crowd it was going to be me.
grins*
Proper happy with that and it was definitely worth being turned down for that job decorating Christmas trees when I was 18.
Yep, That's My Vast Arse In The Air As I Interfere With Nature And Feed A Dolphin A Dead Fish
After a breakfast of fried potatoes and a quick excursion to Denham for supplies the rest of the day was spent chilling at the resort and drinking aforementioned supplies. The previous night after I'd passed out Loody had found some lesbians to play with, Maria, Jaime and Emma, who all work at Monkey Mia. Jaime and Emma are a couple and work in the kitchen and bar respectively and Maria works on reception. They'd invited us to join them at some hot springs up the road at the Francois Peron National Park that night.
Yay, more chances to sit in hot water and get pissed! I was loving this place more and more every minute.
We rocked up to the springs at about 9.30pm when it was pitch black and apparently this is the best time to go because if you saw it in the daylight you wouldn't get in, it's naturally hot bore water pumped into a concrete circle and you can tell when they last cleaned it by how far down you can sink your hands before they disappear. It's also not a good idea to wear white.
Afterwards, Jaime invited us to hers with the promise of a box of Coolabah Fruity Lexia goon she happened to have stashed. When we rocked up she broke out the goon plus a bottle of vodka, some Bundy and something else with a dangerous alcoholic content and told us to help ourselves. This girl had known us five minutes and already knew the way to our hearts. Again I'm unsure of the time when we finally left Denham and headed back to Monkey Mia, the five of us plus Maria crammed into Loody's Nissan with me sprawled along everyone on the back seats being fed goon from the bag by Maria. We stayed up for a bit longer then crashed at some god awful hour when we realised we actually had to drive somewhere tomorrow... actually make it later that day, it was due to be light in a couple of hours.
I fucking love Monkey Mia, me. I totally recommend you spend at least a couple of nights there.
Monkey Mia
Becky turned round to me the next day and said, "So, did anything happen with you and Maria last night?" Erm... no... she's 46. I mean, she's a good looking lass for a 46 year old but she's old enough to be my mother. Why? What gives you that idea? "You were totally flirting with each other, I thought something was going to happen."
Flirting? Me? I deny all knowledge/ blame the goon. Ah well so what if I was, Darragh says she's bloody good at head massages.
The girl's clearly good with her fingers...
written by  Koala Bear on May 8, 2007 from Monkey Mia, Australia

West Coast Mission: Day 8: Big Things #21
Carnarvon, Australia
300km after too much vodka and four hours sleep plus we couldn't pull over for a nap because as soon as you stopped the flies took up residence in your facial orifices. It's a fucking good job I'm easily amused by large, phallic objects like the Big Banana, Carnarvan or today would have been a write off.
The Big Banana
Come to think of it, for a lesbian I'm far too easily amused by phallic objects.
written by  Koala Bear on May 9, 2007 from Carnarvon, Australia

Carnarvon, Australia
The track to Red Bluff is one of those tracks that cause worried passengers to lean over and ask, "You do have a spare tyre, right?"
Of course I have a spare tyre, I even checked it in Perth to make sure it was round and would remain so when stuck to the vehicle. I neglected to mention that I haven't got a fucking clue how to change it but I figured that with two blokes in the convoy one of them would at least pretend to know what they were doing.
First stop up the road is the blowholes, its just where the ocean forces itself through holes in the rocks causing a whole load of spray and a photo opportunity.
The Blowholes
We decided that the car park here was where we were gonna camp tonight as there were none of those irritating signs that said we couldn't and with that we headed up the 70km unsealed road to Red Bluff that I'd heard about from a man called Mark who I had a beer with at Rainbow Lodge once. Its a cunt of a road, seriously, its probably the worst road I've ever tried to get the Falcon up and with Loody's Nissan following behind at snail's pace we started to wonder if it was going to be worth the damage to the underside of the cars and the abject boredom endured when you have to negotiate an unsealed road without the aid of goon or power ballads.
Then we rounded the last corner and fuck yes, it was very much worth it.
Red Bluff
It's a fucking awesome place to spend an afternoon and a great way to get at least 94% of your RDA of salt as you get repeatedly dumped by the huge waves. They warn you that later on it gets sucky in the sea and you have to keep an eye on the peninsula in the distance; If you see a wave clearing that then get the fuck out as fast as you can.
Ok then. No worries. Watch for killer waves and your mates being carried out to sea to their doom. Got it.
Red Bluff was one of those perfect moments, just the five of us on a deserted beach miles from anywhere, hurling ourselves into the waves, body surfing and experimenting with different ways of potentially drowning. A classic I Love My Life moment.
Burying Bexster
Waves At Red Bluff
We made it back for sunset, set up camp and started drinking before a man on a quad bike rocked up and asked us what we were doing here. Becky jumped to the rescue responding quickly, "Eating...?"
Chillin' At The Blowholes At Sunset
Oh. Nice one Becky. Sticky situation averted!
He asked us if we were intending to stay the night, I asked if we were allowed, he said technically no but he didn't give a fuck, he was just going to charge us the going rate of $5.50 per site and we could stay where we were. Oh ok, so it wasn't going to break the bank so we opened our wallets and after fending off the moths we handed over the cash for two sites and he advised us to check out the beach and the snorkeling at the nearby official campsite in the morning.
In hindsight the official campsite would probably have been a better idea than camping near huge jets of sea water that sent a fine spray over everything nearby every time they shot into the air.
Drenched
Ah well, live and learn.
Dry out. Live. Learn.
written by  Koala Bear on May 10, 2007 from Carnarvon, Australia

Minilya, Austria
Not the most eventful day today, we figured we deserved a break from Too Much Driving so we checked out the nearby snorkeling at Quobba Point as previously advised. It was so worth the $11 we were brutally forced to part with the night before.
The photos seriously don't do it justice.
We chilled here for the morning before heading to a free camp not too far from Coral Bay because we deserved another relaxing day snorkeling and sunbathing tomorrow.
Snorkelling At Quobba Point
Killing Time
Well if we were gonna treat us who the fuck else was?
written by  Koala Bear on May 11, 2007 from Minilya, Austria

Exmouth, Australia
It was exactly a year ago today that I landed in Australia, was fetched from the airport by John and Dom at 6.45am and proceeded to drag a traumatised and shattered Emma round Brisbane so we could buy SIM cards, open bank accounts and laugh in the face of jetlag. Oh come on, its not my fault she can't sleep on planes on account of the abject terror now is it.
I would have loved to have celebrated the same way I'd celebrated my arrival in the country, that is copious amounts of disco and booze, but we were going to be spending the next day on a boat on the open sea and paying $330 for the privilege so instead we did that other thing we do so well; As little as possible on a beautiful beach.
Where The Sea Goes Dark? That's The Coral
Coral Bay is awesome but not somewhere you'd want to spend a few days unless you were working or made of money, its shockingly expensive, like, incomprehensibly expensive, as in you'd probably have to take out a second mortgage just to feed yourself for a week. The others headed to the beach while I headed to a pay phone to book us onto a campsite in Exmouth and onto a whale shark tour. I managed to get us on for the next day, a Sunday, with a small amount of coaxing and the promise of five people on the boat.
Nice one bruva.
It was weird leaving Perth and going on a mission without Kliff, we'd already done the Great Ocean Road together and then, just as we thought we'd parted company, we hit the Nullabor together with Tim and made it to Perth. But the South West Loop and the West Coast had to be done without him, him and Neil were off working on a cattle station near Carnarvon and they were out of mobile phone range so we couldn't even catch up with them when we were in the area.
Never mind though ay, everyone follows the backpacker trail, no doubt we'd bump into each other again somewhere along the way, it was never going to be goodbye with me and Kliff, just until we meet again.
I was mincing about checking out the coral and the sea turtles, making sure I didn't swim too far out in case the spotter planes mistook my arse for a whale shark and people tried to snorkel with it when Loody swam up with someone I didn't recognise on account of the snorkel mask. It took me a few seconds.
Kliff! And Neil was here too, sprawled on the beach pulling his usual Forgetting He's Ginger trick and slowly turning red.
Chillin' At Coral Bay
They'd quit the cattle station because for some reason shovelling dead, rotting cows into a heap for burning didn't appeal to them too much and they were spending their last dollars on fuel to get them up the coast to find work. We had to make it to Exmouth for 6pm to check into the site and pay for the whale shark tour so they tagged onto our little convoy and we made our way up the peninsula stopping only to take photos of the massive termite mounds and a Big Prawn which was a similar colour to what Neil had turned.
Termite Mound
On Convoy
We stayed off the goon and got an early night, we were going to be picked up at some obscene hour the next day and bundled onto a boat where we'd be expected to swim very fast with something significantly larger than us with fins and a big tail and the ability to breathe under water. The entire timing for the West Coast trip had been based around this moment and I'd been planning this for nearly a year.
A hangover wasn't an option.
written by  Koala Bear on May 12, 2007 from Exmouth, Australia

Exmouth, Australia
This beast is on the road between Coral Bay and Exmouth and I think there is actually a reason for it being there, as in the building behind it has something to do with prawns. Not sure what, though.
Yet Another Big Prawn
Still, I reckon the one in Ballina would kick this ones arse in a fight.
written by  Koala Bear on May 12, 2007 from Exmouth, Australia

Exmouth, Australia
3 Islands Marine Charters
When I were but a wee bairn, much longer ago than I'd care to let on (narrows eyes at younger but by no means better looking friends) I liked reading books about dinosaurs and animals and sea creatures and stuff. I remember a particular photo in a book and the paragraph of text next to it. I don't remember the name of the book, just this segment, it was about a quarter of the page and it was a photo of a whale shark next to a diver. I even remember what some of the text said, it mentioned that an adult whale shark could easily fit two adult humans in its mouth but they were harmless filter feeders, eating only plankton and krill.
And that's when I decided I wanted to swim with them.
About 20 years later and I was sat at a computer in a hostel in Echuca, typing "whale shark australia" into Google and 3 Islands Marine Charters came up along with numerous other companies that ran tours to snorkel with the world's largest fish at Ningaloo Reef, Exmouth. The best time to go was May, I was meant to be in New South Wales the following May and Emma didn't want to budge on that. Fortunately we split up a couple of months later and it was sealed; I was going to be in Exmouth in May 2007 and I was going to swim with whale sharks.
I was chuffed to pieces when the others decided they were going to do this with me, after all its not cheap and we were all on a budget, I'd been budgeting for this for months and so had Loody since I'd told her about it in Perth. It was kinda sprung on the others but they were up for it.
This was going to be amazing.
Just The Five Of Us
We were picked up from the campsite at 7.30am by Andy, the videographer, who greeted us with the words, "You're a lucky lot aren't you, getting a private charter!" It was only going to be us, the crew and enough food to feed a small army on board today. Andy had said to the lass who prepared the food that there were 5 of us, not 15. She said we'd looked hungry :) Fuck I love my life.
Snorkelling
Bless Andy, he tried to liven us up on the bus journey to the boat. He's actually quite funny once it's not 7.30 anymore and you've been fed but until then his enthusiasm and banter was more likely to get him maimed or killed. We stopped to pick up Kelly, the divemaster whos job it was to spot the whale sharks once we were in the water and to make sure we knew where it was so we could swim with it. That was the eye candy for the day sorted then.
We got to the little boat and met Noz, a shy bloke who would be driving the safety boat (do you drive boats? I don't even know) which would pick us out of the water if we were in trouble or too tired to swim. We met Richard, the skipper and the guy who owns the company once we got to the big boat and then we were off to a little snorkel site.
I don't have anything witty or clever to say about today, it was just awesome. We spent the morning snorkelling and eating before the spotter planes radioed in that a shark had been seen.
I'd researched these tours ages ago and read all kinds of testimonies. You share the shark with about 4 other boats and only 10 people are allowed in the water at a time. You can usually fit about 20 people on a boat so I was prepared for the fact that we might only get a few minutes with one shark and thats it and I'd made sure the others knew this too.
We got in the water with 6 sharks.
Six!!
Some people don't even get one and we got six!
It's amazing, you can't describe the feeling, you launch yourself into the water and stick your head under looking for it then the first thing you see is this massive gob coming towards you and your heart leaps into your mouth closely followed by the rest of your internal organs.
Then you realise you should probably get out of its way on account of it being about 10 metres long and thus a lot bigger than you. The excitement never wears off.
Later, as we headed back about 30 dolphins swam alongside the boat. We'd been stuffed full of good food, had a once in a lifetime day out in the water and I'd fulfilled a lifetime ambition.
How fucking perfect could this day get?
I promptly tripped over the edge of the little boat as we pulled up to shore and ended up face down on the shore line.
I knew Abi and Dave were doing the West Coast, I just didn't know where they were on account of the fact we'd never been in range at the same time, we just kept picking up voicemails and texts from each other. When we got back from the trip there was a note at our site, they'd checked into the campsite and recognised my car. Kliff and Neil came round later an all and we made up for the lack of goon the night before until I pulled my usual passing out trick.
Oh come on, its not like no one knows what happens when I'm allowed to lie down.
PERTH CREW: Loody, Darragh, Kliff, Neil, Me, Becky, Dave And Abi
written by  Koala Bear on May 13, 2007 from Exmouth, Australia

Rocklea, Australia
We'd decided to head inland after Exmouth to check out Karijini National Park. It's somewhere around 700km to Tom Price, the nearest town to Karijini so we just did it in two trips and spent tonight at a free camp.
I woke up to Becky and Craig hurridly packing and asked what was going on, it wasn't like Becky to be up early, she usually needed gentle coaxing and usually from a distance with a cup of tea, full body armour and a big stick.
Becky: We have to leave. Now.
Me: Why?
I didn't recall being that loud last night.
Becky: We robbed the combi...
Me: (blinks) You did what now??
We'd found an orange VW camper abandoned on the side of the road and Becky wanted the badge off the front of it so we'd duly rocked up and taken it. This apparently wasn't enough, we'd managed to persuade her not to steal the actual van on account of her not being able to steer a fucking paddleboat, let alone a vehicle but she wanted the contents and after I'd passed out they'd all decided they wanted the contents too. They got chairs, clothes, cushions and Darragh got himself a hammock.
Oops!
The rest of the day was uneventful, the highlight being watching Darragh hang his new hammock and promptly fall through it.
written by  Koala Bear on May 14, 2007 from Rocklea, Australia

Tom Price, Australia
We wanted a full day in Karijini so we'd decided to spend tonight at a free camp near Tom Price and get an early start on the park the next day. The trouble was we didn't know how to spend today but I'd developed a habit of handing my map book and a highlighter to other travellers who'd been where we were going and someone had highlighted Hammersley Gorge so we stocked up on supplies and headed there for the afternoon armed with a bag of goon, an iPod and some speakers.
Hammersley Gorge is wicked, its a perfect place to disturb the peace. I have to admit, the water is a wee bit chilly but once you've apologised in advance for potentially knocking people out with your nipples you can relax and just enjoy the tunes, the goon and the company.
Hammersley Gorge
More Gorge Action
Having A Dip
Goon In The Gorge
By the time we got off the unsealed road that lead away from the gorge it was dark and I couldn't find the first free site option so we headed to a place called Halfway Bridge where I circled round a tree. I realised the car wasn't actually going anywhere and there was a somewhat disconcerting grinding noise.
That would be the six large rocks in a ditch I'd managed to drive into then. There was a 4WD and a caravan on another corner of the site so we figured that if it came to it maybe they'd tow us out after most of the rocks had been pulled out. We sent Craig over to talk to the guy with the words, "Go on, you're Australian, it'll sound better coming from you."
It didn't. The guy was an arse. We managed to get the rocks out the next day anyway and the Falcon had enough power to pull itself out.
written by  Koala Bear on May 15, 2007 from Tom Price, Australia

Auski Roadhouse, Australia
Karijini National Park is only good if you like that sort of thing. Y'know, like stunning views and refreshing water holes and beautiful waterfalls and the like. We only spent a day here though, we wished we could have stayed longer but we were on a deadline for Karratha.
And and and! Guess what? You won't guess so I'll tell ya. Just as we were heading to the first gorge we bumped into the Get Away team (Aussie holiday show sort of thing). Now this would be infinitely more exciting if a) I watched TV at all, b) I'd seen Get Away and c) if I could remember the name of the presenter guy who I had my photo taken with. It's on Becky's camera, but. I need to get it off her.
But still, mingling with celebrities, us. We watched as they maneuvered $1000's worth of equipment through freezing water on lilos before moving onto the next place.
There's not much to actually say, it's one of those Had To Be There things. You basically navigate your way through the park's unsealed road, stopping at gorges for a swim and lookouts for oohing and ahhing. We didn't have time for any of the walks but to be fair movement never really suited us. Fortescue Falls were amazing an all, we spent quite a bit of time there until we realised there were tiny leeches in the falls. Nice. A quick dip and a blood transfusion, you just don't get that down the local swimming pool do ya.
Freshening Up
Gotta Love Waterfalls
That night we stayed at Auski Roadhouse (Munjina) for camping, they gave us a powered site for the price of an unpowered one. Luxury! What could we use it for?
A quick inventory of all our Stuff With Plugs later and we whipped out Becky's hair straighteners and began ironing the curls out of Darragh's hair. Yeah, I know Darragh hasn't got curly hair.
Making The Most Of Having Power
Not on his head anyway.
written by  Koala Bear on May 16, 2007 from Auski Roadhouse, Australia

Karratha, Australia
Wittenoom is officially abandoned on account of the "asbestos fibres prevalent in the air." I say officially abandoned, try telling that to the 25 people who still live there, firmly denying that the mining of blue asbestos in years gone by would pose any threat to them or tourists. My fold out maps advised against going anywhere near the place and the Lonely Planet says if you go there you might want to wind your windows up.
Well how are you meant to buy souvenirs without getting out of the car?
Wittenoom Guest House
Wittenoom Gem Shop
It was on the way anyway so we pulled in, did a quick circuit and took a few deep breaths before heading north to Karratha with newly acquired stickers that read, "I Went To Wittenoom And Lived."
I'll remember this moment in roughly 10 to 15 years when my lungs fall out.
There are two roads to Karratha from Auski Roadhouse, one of them is about 400km along the tarmac and the other is more direct, about 300km along a slightly corrugated unsealed road. We took the dirt.
What a boring fucking road! All you want to do is read a book or something but you can't on account of the whole Having To Drive thing. There's no let up in the monotony, we probably saw about 3 other vehicles the entire way plus the corrugations don't make it the most pleasant drive ever. I wished I still had my clit hood pierced, at least then I could have driven the road with a smile on my face.
300km Of This
Eating My Dust
Apart from a minor incident in the Millstream National Park when I nearly span off the road after lecturing Craig on the dangers of not wearing a seatbelt we rocked up to Karratha in once piece where we'd be spending a couple of nights. Craig's sister Julie lives here, he hardly gets to see her so we chilled at their house which was awesome, we got fed and got to sleep inside and had proper showers and did all kinds of exciting things such as laundry. I hadn't done laundry since Albany.
My clothes practically walked to the washer.
written by  Koala Bear on May 17, 2007 from Karratha, Australia

Karratha, Australia
Today was cool, we got to relax as Julie and her fella took us out in their troopy and gave us a guided tour of Karratha, Dampier and Cossack, The Pilbarra's first town which is now abandoned. It was nice just to kick back and let some one else decide where to go.
Back In *Shudders* Civilisation
The First Town In The Pilbarra
Cossack Jail
Our First Croc Warning Sign
Julie just kept on knocking up amazing meals, we had a full cooked brekky both mornings we woke up there and wicked dinners. Proper spoilt, we were.
I wasn't on form here though, I'd been having trouble staying asleep the past few nights which fucks me up. I need my sleep or people aside from me start to suffer so I was in bed pretty early tonight while the others had a few drinks and played some cards.
I'd be fresh and ready the next morning, right?
...Right?
written by  Koala Bear on May 18, 2007 from Karratha, Australia

Eighty Mile Beach, Australia
Despite the copious amounts of sleep I got, leaving Karratha proved more difficult that expected on account of the minor car accident I was involved in.
It was my fault, I pulled out when I shouldn't have, I didn't see the girl's car because I couldn't see out of my back window on account of all the swags and bags and general crap and Craig's head was blocking my side window. But still, it was my fault and she went into the side of me. Fortunately the Falcon is the closest thing you can get to a tank without it actually being a tank so despite the almighty crashing noise that occurred there's practically no damage to my car and no one was hurt at all. Shaken, but not hurt.
Her car however got slightly twisted, I'm insured though so it only cost my excess, $400, and in the words of the girl from AAMI, "It's out of your hands, we'll deal with everything from here on in."
Fuck I love AAMI.
We were going to get to Broome in two parts staying at a free camp tonight. We drove until it was dark, marvelling at the pretty glow of the bush fire up ahead. It was a big fire. Biiiiig fire. We got closer and closer until we got to Pardoo Roadhouse, the fire was in a paddock just over the road. We pulled into to servo and I jumped out for a chat with a guy who was sat on the step of the shop smoking a cigarette.
Blurry Bush Fire Pic
Me: Hiya mate, whats the go with that big fire over there?
Bloke: (shrugs) Guess someones having a big BBQ.
Me: Riiiight. Should we go and join 'em?
Bloke: I reckon. Could probably fit a fair few snags on there.
He took one last drag on his fag and idly flicked the butt towards the bowser.
Bloke: As long as it doesn't come over here it should be right.
I retreated to the safety of the shop where there were toilets and pies and maybe people who shared my concern over naked flames near petrol pumps.
I asked the lass behind the counter if she thought the fire would spread.
Lass: (shrugs) Well its been there two days.
Me: K. Soooo you reckon its safe to camp round here tonight?
Lass: Meh... Should be.
Despite her words of comfort we decided to keep on driving a further 80 or so kms to 80 Mile Beach and a free camp near there where we were attacked by moths intent on drinking all our goon.
Hey man, fuck with me if you gotta but leave my goon out of it yeah?
written by  Koala Bear on May 19, 2007 from Eighty Mile Beach, Australia

Broome, Australia
This is the first sign you see as you enter Broome.
Dammit!
Oh what, like they couldn't have told us this sooner?
Like at the last fucking bottle shop maybe?!
written by  Koala Bear on May 20, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Broome, Australia
Ahh, Cable Beach, Broome's saving grace. With its vast sands, warm ocean and perfect sunsets you have to cut Broome some slack and think that maybe, just maybe it isn't that bad.
Perfect Sunset
Unless its October to May when a quick dip might just get you landed in hospital with a box jellyfish wrapped around your tender parts.
In order to make the most of our unemployment whilst all our friends were slaving away, me and Darragh rocked up to the beach today and were greeted with a large yellow sign saying, "Stingers!" and a man in a full, thick wetsuit handing out leaflets letting us know exactly why we weren't allowed in the water. I can't believe they actually have to go out of their way to convince people, a simple, "If you go in the water you might die and if you don't die you will experience the worst pain known to man" would have done it for me. Literature isn't neccesary.
Irukandji inhabit the sea in northern Australia but places like Cairns have stinger nets. Places like Broome expect you to deal with it, like they have so much else going for them.
That's it. I want to live in a town where going for a swim isn't an extreme sport.
written by  Koala Bear on May 23, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Broome, Australia
There are two kinds of crocs in the north of Australia. Freshwater crocs are harmless to humans, they just mind their own business and live together in peace and harmony.
Fucking hippies.
It's saltwater crocs we're interested in, they have been known to take humans and they're clever bastards an all, they watch for patterns in behaviour so if you go fishing at the same spot every day it'll wait for you and attack. However, they'll always go for the thing least likely to fight so it's important to pack a dog or a small child in the boot of your car when you head out to catch lunch.
Ominous Signage
Feeding Time
The Malcolm Douglas Crocodile Farm in Broome houses some big bastard salties that had to be removed from their natural habitat when they started "making a nuisance of themselves." Y'know, scaring old ladies and eating people and the like. They run tours at 11am but 3am is feeding time. Now that's what I'm talking about and it's only $20 if you're a backpacker.
Call Him A Fat Headed Cunt To His Face
Steve Irwin Moment
It's an ideal way to dispose of bodies and they even let you hold a baby croc at the end.
I feel so Steve Irwin.
written by  Koala Bear on May 24, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Broome Time
I'm holed up in the Slow Death that is Broome on account of the fact I decided that if I got a job before Staircase To The Moon I'd stay in Broome and save up for the Kimberleys tour I wanted to do. If not, I'd be off to Darwin the day after the Staircase.
Anyway, I landed me a job with a gardener, I mow lawns, rake leaves and trim hedges and by "trim" I mean butcher in a style made famous by Jack The Ripper in the 1800's. My boss is nice enough, he's an English bloke, he's been away from home since 1973 and solidly proves the theory that you can take the Pom out of England but you can't take the whinge out of the Pom. It's a job anyway, it's cash in hand so I should be able to save enough for this overpriced 4WD adventure then get out of here.
I also work on the markets on Saturday mornings making fruit smoothies and juices so I'm getting something resembling a health food intake (take note, mum) although there's something about working on a market stall that makes you talk like a southerner with a dodgy cock-er-ney accent.
Bitch, Moan, Whinge
In case you haven't guessed I'm not Broome's biggest fan, it was never part of my plan to stay here until I found this tour, I was going to head straight to Darwin and spend a few months there. It doesn't help that I never wanted to leave Perth in the first place, I guess that any town I spent any time in after the West Coast road trip was doomed from the start for simply not being Perth. For the first time in Australia it doesn't feel right, I feel a bit lost and confused, like I'm treading water or wasting time, I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, waiting for something to fall into place.
I miss Perth and the people I left there so much it actually hurts, I think about going back every day, even if its just for a weekend but I think it would be the wrong thing to do, I think I want to go back for the wrong reasons and it would be too different.
Party At The MCG
Gypsy Camp
I'm staying at Roebuck Caravan Park in an unpowered section called the MCG (Mango Camping Ground), known to every one else in the park as the Festival Site on account of the fact it looks like a scaled down Glastonbury (minus the mud and medieval diseases people contract from being soaked in water for three days), the dope smoking and the loud music.
I like living here, its like an outdoor hostel but I'm over camping now. I love it when I'm travelling but when I'm settled somewhere I want a proper bed and a powerpoint for my laptop and a light switch but I'm paying $69 pw here. A hostel would be over $150 pw so my choice is live here and leave sooner or live in a hostel and probably miss out on Darwin.
Some Of The Broome Crew
Killing time in Broome invariably involves alcohol, it has to, there's not much else to do but it's hindered by one painful fact; Goon is illegal here. Oh you can get 2 litre casks but you're looking at $11 and when you've been paying that price for 4 litres it's gutting. This also means that games like Goon Rugby and Goon Volleyball and other games involving an inflated 4 litre goon pillow are out of the question so we've had to resort to Intelligent Conversation and Making New Friends.
Just Chillin'
MCG Golf Hockey Team (Yeah, We Were Bored)
The thing is, I'm surrounded by friends, old and new. The weather is amazing considering it's winter, it touches the late 20s every day. My tour is booked, I know when I'm leaving, I'm earning money and saving enough to get to Darwin comfortably.
So what the fuck is wrong with me?!
written by  Koala Bear on June 1, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Staircase To The Moon
I was most disappointed when I found out exactly what Broome's Staircase To The Moon actually was. It'd been hyped before but no one had said what it involved so we were surprised when we rocked up and were told it was only once a month. Then we found out;
"Staircase To The Moon is a natural phenomenon caused when the full moon rises over the mud flats at super low tide."
Is that it?!
Oh what the fuck, we live next door to Town Beach which is one of the best places to see it so we might as well have a wander down to check it out, after all there were markets on as well and its Something To Do In Broome. I didn't expect to be overwhelmed, it's only a fucking moon rise init and I've seen a million of them already and... Oh... (jaw hits floor)... Wow.
It blew me away. First, a section of the horizon starts to glow red then this massive ball of fire quickly starts to acsend into the black sky. As it gets higher, smaller and a turns a colour more fitting of the moon it reflects onto the mud flats thus giving the impression of a staircase leading up to the moon. Hence the name. Obviously.
Its fucking awesome but it's notoriously difficult to photograph unless you have a tripod and a camera that costs more than my car. Here's my effort...
It's Actually Prettier Than This. Honest
Still, "phenomenom" is a bit of a strong word for it, though.
written by  Koala Bear on June 3, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Another New Job
Oh come on, you all know I'm incapable of holding anything down for more than 2 weeks before I get bored. The gardening job was starting to get to me, I was so over mowing lawns and being attacked by vegetation and every time I saw a pile of leaves it depressed me so I got a job with Dave in the Clippers Pearls yard which gives me access to all kinds of exciting things such as a kettle, a puppy to play with, people to talk to and a toilet with three frogs that live in the u-bend.
Bog Frogs
I do feel a bit guilty about pissing on the frogs but hey, when you gotta go you gotta go and they don't seem too perturbed by it. I'm more worried about the use of cleaning chemicals, what if they have an adverse effect on the frogs? What if they mutate resulting in the Kimberleys being ruled by the iron albeit webbed fist of the evil Lord Ribbit and his minion, Captain Croak?
I digress.
I will now see out my time in Broome fixing panels with cable ties, what with me being the expert that I am after me and Sarah lashed the grandstand at Burswood Dome together with cable ties and gaffa tape.
The yard is run entirely on Broome time. Work starts when the supervisor finally shows up to let us in and the kettle's boiled. A 10 minute break takes 20 minutes and we get three breaks a day.
People To Talk To
Cybo The Puppy
They keep trying to get me out on the pearl boats though which totally doesn't appeal to me for two reasons. The first being, I currently sacrifice 8.5 hours of my day and they give me $130 minus tax in return for essentially drinking tea and chatting shit. The other day they asked me to go out on the day trips, sacrifice 11.5 hours a day of my precious time during which they will expect me to actually earn my wages and all for a mere $20 a day extra.
Get. Fucked.
The main reason though is that everyone that comes back off the boats after a 12 day trip come back covered in scabs and with bits of shell embedded in their extremities. The sea water in Broome carries a bacteria and you're constantly covered in the shit on the boats so any sores you get will get infected.
I really don't need any more scabs, I've been eaten alive since I got to Broome, I've practically skinned my legs and feet. I can't help it, I scratch the bites in my sleep and there's nothing I can do about it. I wear long trousers to bed and I wrap myself so tightly in my sleeping bag that I shouldn't be able to move, let alone contort myself into insane positions that I do so I can reach my legs with my claws. I wake up hacking at myself and I can't stop because I'm still half asleep and it feels so goooood! The only other option would be sellotaping mittens to my hands but I swear if I did that I'd wake up gnawing on my limbs to satisfy the itching.
And lets face it, scabs aren't gonna help my pulling potential now are they. Come and get me girls.
Don't mind the pus.
written by  Koala Bear on July 6, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Hot Days, Party Nights
Fuck Friday and Saturday nights, there are three nights to be seen out in Broome and they're all on a school night. Great. They thought that out properly then.
Sunday - Crab Races A@ The Beer And Satay Hut
This is only good for a couple of weeks before you learn the Crab Man's banter off by heart and start wishing him harm. It's a good atmosphere in this pub anyway, I like it here and not least because it's right next door to where I live, I also like it coz the beer is cheap.
Me, Loody And The Crab Man
Get Crabs In Broome
Anyway, I digress.
Tickets are $2 or 3 for $5 but you're not guaranteed a crab.
It's worth a look if for the chance to buy a t-shirt that says "I Got Crabs In Broome."
Monday - Roeyoke @ Oasis Bar
Yep, it's everyones favourite until they see the videos the next day; Kareoke.
Dave And Loody Butcher Summer Of '69
I don't think I need say anymore.
Thurday - Wet T-Shirt Competition @ Oasis Bar (Titty Comp)
Don't bother entering this if someone from the MCG is on stage, there's more of us than there is of you and our girl is guaranteed to walk away with the $500 prize money.
Titty Comp
Boobies. Heh heh.
It's free entry for girls and $5 if you happen to own a penis that doesn't detatch and stash under the bed.
Hooray....
....For Boobies!
What? You wanted some kind of intelligent and well worded write up? What do you think this is? The fucking Daily Telegraph?
drools*
written by  Koala Bear on July 10, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Clipper Pearls Was Brought To You By The Letter Tea
After only a couple of weeks I'm a bit gutted to be leaving Clipper Pearls, their work ethic suited my addiction to tea, abject laziness and aversion to Actual Work down to the ground. Getting a Proper Job is going to be a shock to the system but at least I can say I worked in the pearl industry in Broome and all without getting infected.
Anyways, as from Tuesday I'm off through the Kimberleys on a 12 day 4WD drive tour. I won't have Mobile phone signal until I get back to Broome and no internet until probably Kununurra which means no Hotmail, no blogging and certainly none of that new found addiction, Facebook.
The horror!
I'm sure the withdrawal symptoms will wear off soon.
And damn you all for getting me into this Facebook thing! Damn you all to cyber hell! I resisted for so long but you all know I'm weak and easily swayed by peer pressure so you kept on pestering and pestering until finally I set one up and before you know it I'm uploading photos and leaving messages and generally Keeping In Touch.
Well there goes hours of my life I can't get back. Just you wait. I'll get my own back.
Just as soon as I work out if there's a Beat Your Friends With A Big Facebook Stick application I can add...
written by  Koala Bear on July 13, 2007 from Broome, Australia

Cape Leveque
Dampier Peninsula, Australia
I wasn't about to live in Broome for 2 months and not head up the Dampier Peninsula at least once to check out Cape Leveque. I was adamant that the Falcon could do the 200km 4WD recommended dirt and sand road but after Mick at work handed me a tow rope with the words "You'll probably need this then" I decided to go with Darragh and Jon-O in Darragh's Lada.
Please do not adjust your sets.
I said Lada.
The Russian Hummer
He paid $450 for it a few weeks ago and apparently it runs on love unlike the Falcon which runs on unleaded which you can't get up the peninsula at the weekend. In fact, you're hard pushed to get anything up the peninsula, alcohol included so we stocked up on booze and a couple of jerry cans of fuel and began the trek.
On The Road
The Boys; Jon-o And Darragh
The best way to do an unsealed road is with two blokes that don't mind ragging it over the corrugations, it was an awesome ride up although most of my carefully decanted goon ended up on the ceiling of the car, over the back of the head rest in front and all over me. Ah well, everything I own smells of goon anyway, its hard to hold a glass (ok, dirty beer bottle picked up off the floor) straight after a few rounds.
We were basically only going to visit Neil and Becky in their serene, calm, idyllic environment at the Kooljaman Resort, an Aboriginal owned holiday village right at the top of the peninsula at Cape Leveque.
Neil, Jon-o, Darragh, Becky And Me
Ah well, someone had to upset the balance eventually. Oh come on, we didn't know they'd get arsey for transporting one of their staff down to the beach on the bonnet of the Russian Hummer in full resort uniform.
We hadn't really made plans, all we knew was that we were going to head to a salt lake for the night then have breakfast on the beach at One Arm Point, a nearby Aboriginal settlement. Neil decided not to join us, something about preferring to sleep in a nice, cosy bed as opposed to a Lada in the freezing cold and having a perfectly good kitchen to cook breakfast in in the morning.
An Ex-Turtle At One Arm Point
Brekky With Our New Mate, Lumpy The Dog
Meh, some people have no sense of adventure.
It was fun anyways and awesome to see them again. And and and! I even got to drive some of the way back down! I've never driven a 4WD before, I should never be allowed to own one. I'm already convinced the Falcon can go places it can't.
Put me in a 4x4 and I can go anywhere!
written by  Koala Bear on July 15, 2007 from Dampier Peninsula, Australia

What The Fuck??
So it rained last night.
Rained.
In Broome!
During the height of the Dry!!!!
Just my fucking luck!

The Kimberley: Day 1
Windjana Gorge, Australia
I was determined not to get too pissed the night before this tour on account of the fact I had to socialise with a load of people I'd never met before the next day and I generally find this easier to do when I'm not vomiting on them. I was going to drink mid-strength beer and I'd be in bed before midnight and Loody was going to help me accomplish this.
So those plans went out of the window with the bottle of cheap wine and the Jim Beam. Everybody who could make it out to say bye did an all which I wasn't expecting, a few people had to work the next day plus its a mission from the MCG into the Last Resort where I was staying for my last night because dammit, I hadn't slept in a proper bed since Perth and I wanted some comfort before heading into the bush.
Saying Goodbye To The Broome Crew
Ok so I gotta say I was surprised to see a bus full of old people when it finally rocked up but fair enough, they must be ok to do a tour like this, sleeping under the stars and not showering for a bit and to be fair I felt about 75 (Dick's age) that particular morning anyway as I stumbled onto the bus and collapsed at the back, clutching my aching head.
It was definitely going to be different to Heading Bush where we made our way through the outback, terrorising other tour groups and generally being feral but hey, it was going to be amazing, I was going to spend 12 days being chauffeured around, shown cool things, taken to awesome places and being fed things that weren't noodles or tinned spaghetti three times a day.
The Prison Boab
We stopped at a couple of places on the way to our first camp at Windjana Gorge. We saw the Prison Boab tree which is where they held the Aboriginals they'd kidnapped to use in the pearling industry when they were on the way to Derby. Yep, the pearling industry didn't always have backpackers queuing up to get seasick or scabs or bits of shell embedded in their flesh and y'know what, every time I dodge a bottle thrown by an Aborigine or try and ignore a torrent of verbal I'll remember things like this tree and I'll remember who fucked them up in the first place.
Anyway, we got to Windjana Gorge along the famous Gibb River Road, picked up our last member, Isabelle, set up camp and headed into Tunnel Creek which is a walk through a cave. You need a torch, footwear you don't mind getting wet and a liberal definition of "thermal" which is what Glen, our tour guide kept telling us the water was.
Bollocks. It was freezing cold and he'd told us the water would come up to our shins. As the icy water inched above my knees I decided that Glen skipped human biology at school.
The Gibb River Road
Tunnel Creek
Later on, after we'd been fed all kinds of crazy things such as Meat and Vegetables and Things With Nutrients we headed through the gorge in the dark and down to Lennard River. Loads of freshwater crocodiles live there but the best time to see them is at night. Well, their eyes anyway, if you shine a torch into the river it reflects off their eyes and all you see are all these bright yellow pairs of dots. They might be placid compared to the salties but whilst it looks proper cool I wouldn't be getting too close, especially not after blinding them in the name of entertainment.
We spent some time after that just lying in the sand on our backs looking at the sky, watching shooting stars. I'll never get bored of the sky over here when you're out in the bush or the outback. Nothing can prepare you for it when you first see it and every time you see it it feels like the first time. It's just breathtaking.
Nommage On The Fire
Freshie Land
So yeah, day one was cool, my tour group were alright an all and Pam helped me finish the half a bottle of $4 wine I had left over from the previous night and that was it for booze until the next bottle shop which was a few days away. How would I cope?
Pam's cool, she's a terribly English lass in her 70's from Kent who's standard response to everything from "the kettle's on" to "the comet has changed course and we've just averted Armageddon" was "Oh good." She's a retired doctor and anesthetist from the days when they used to use chloroform on kids when they were having their tonsils out.
Ah, chloroform. Every school should have some.
written by  Koala Bear on July 17, 2007 from Windjana Gorge, Australia

The Kimberley: Day 2
Gibb, Australia
Packing Up
We were up before the sun this morning which was pretty much going to be the trend for most of the 12 days because, as Glen said, the Kimberley is all about the daylight hours and fitting as much in as possible. I made a point of ignoring the time. Fortunately I can sleep anywhere, even one of the roughest roads in the world on the back of a huge 4WD bus with my head knocking against the window as I drool onto my own shoulder because we didn't have a full group so I had no one elses shoulder to drool on.
We checked out Windjana Gorge (which used to be a huge coral reef when it was under water) and the crocs in the daylight before jumping onto the bus and heading up the Gibb River Road towards Mount Barnett.
Windjana Gorge
Croc Infested
First stop was Galvan Gorge, its the most accessible gorge up the Gibb and one of the best. Y'know I think I'm over beaches and getting stung by jellyfish, saltwater in my sinuses and sand in my crack but I'll never get bored of gorges and waterfalls and swimming in freshwater pools you can drink out of although I wouldn't because I know what I do when I need to go in the middle of a swim. Its the same reason I'm wary of warm pockets of water near content looking people.
Galvans Gorge
Enjoying A Cold Shower
Rope Swiiiiiiing!
Frolicking At Galvans Gorge
Eventually we tore ourselves away from the waterfall and the pool and got back on the bus to head towards the next walk and our camp for the night.
River Crossing
The walk to Manning Falls begins with a swim, you have to put your shoes and your rucksack in a polystyrene box and push it over in front of you, trying not to panic and drag it under like some of our group did. They gave up and swam back to wait for us while me, Isabelle, Scott and Mary headed to the falls and another swim. The walk is meant to take an hour, it took us half that time on account of the fact no one brought a torch and the thought of heading back in the dark didn't appeal to us. The crew that didn't give up joined us 10 minutes later before we went back.
Y'know when you're on a walk and you're going downhill and you're painfully aware of the fact that its uphill all the way back? I'd been trying to ignore the fact we had to get back across the river and it had already started to cool down. Ah well, its not like we had a choice in the matter now is it and at least I'd have a handy place to hang me coat until my nipples warmed up again.
Manning Falls
One of the key things on tours like this is that everyone jumps in and helps with everything, from collecting firewood to preparing food. I'm not used to Proper Food, I'm used to getting all my major food groups from goon, I wasn't sure my body would know what to do with all these nutrients and I was starting to get withdrawals from the additives and preservatives. Still, I did my best though ay, I didn't do too badly.
I mean, normally I'm fucked if it doesn't come in a packet with the word "noodles" stamped across it.
written by  Koala Bear on July 18, 2007 from Gibb, Australia

The Kimberley: Day 3
Drysdale, Australia
Swapping Buses
Last night Glen had told us about a little problem he'd found with Betsy, his beloved bus. He enlightened us with load of mechanical jargon which went totally over my head and brought on the urge to wear pink and play with dolls like the girl that I am but the top and bottom of it was, the 4WD on the rear axle wouldn't engage and with this being a 4WD tour that wasn't a good thing. Fortunately we were in a position to swap buses, an All Terrain Safaris vehicle coming from Darwin were on their way down from the Mitchell Plateau and we could have their bus because the home straight didn't need 4WD.
Brilliant.
However, it meant getting up at 5am.
There are two five o' clocks in a day??
Beeeeeeeer!!
We met the other bus at the Gibb River crossing and I got chatting to an English couple from Glastonbury about where they'd been, how their trip was and how they were coping without beer. They'd just come back from Drysdale station which has 1 million acres of land and a bottle shop. I'm not sure which of these facts I was more impressed by. The bloke left and I chatted to his missus for a while then he came back and dumped 5 cans of icy cold Tooheys New into my arms. I think I fell in love with him at that moment, I'd have hugged him if I wasn't too busy hugging beer. Back on our new bus and the others declined my offer of sharing them, something about it only being 10am or something. Meh. They obviously haven't spent long enough with backpackers.
The rest of the day was spent driving up the the Mitchell Plateau which takes half your life on account of the corrugations you can lie down in. We crossed the King Edward river, set up camp on the banks and went for a swim. Fuck me, that water was cold. Its the kind of cold that causes you to make involuntary monkey noises as you ease yourself in so you can imagine the kind of noise I made when I slipped on a rock and went arse over tit into the water. Meh. I was only intending to go for a bloody paddle an all.
Cunt Of A Road
There aren't many things scarier than filling a washing up bowl from a river inhabited by crocodiles in the pitch black with only a piss poor head lamp for company but that's what I ended up doing because no one else would. I don't care that they're "only freshwater" crocs, knowing my luck I'd come face to face with the only freshie in the river with PMT that was having a bad day anyway coz some tour leader shone a light in its eyes the night before to impress the group. I didn't see anything but it didn't stop that overwhelming feeling of abject terror you only get when you're a kid and you think the gremlins are after you.
Later on we bribed some kids with marshmallows to tell us stories and jokes.
Nope, there's not much else in the way of entertainment in one of the most remote parts of Australia.
written by  Koala Bear on July 19, 2007 from Drysdale, Australia

Mitchell Plateau, Australia
One of the reasons I did this tour was because they went up to the Mitchell Falls, an amazing 4 tiered waterfall in one of the most remote parts of Oz. Not all tours do it because its hard on the vehicle and its a bloody long way. I reckon its worth it.
I don't know what I expected from a camp site that's so hard to get to but I didn't expect a toilet. We got one anyway, a standard drop toilet like the ones you find all through the Kimberley and at 24hr Stopping free camps on the side of the road. For those of you who haven't experienced the joy of drop toilets, let me explain;
They're basically a toilet bowl which I strongly advise you to hover over instead of sit on even if you need to shit, seriously, work those quads. And its a classic Don't Look Down situation coz if you look down you'll find out exactly what everyone who used the bog before you had for breakfast. And lunch and dinner for that matter. They're waterless, you just do what you gotta do, close the lid and walk away and decomposition does the rest. Its times like these you learn exactly how long you can hold your breath for.
Aaaanyways, on to more pleasant things like eating insects.
Yep, eating insects. While we were walking up to the falls we passed loads of green ant nests. They make nests in trees out of leaves and the ants taste like sour lime, I didn't eat one though on account of the fact I'm socially conditioned not to put insects in my mouth. No. I just licked its arse.
And once more for the record; I licked an ants arse.
Eat A Fucking Lime Instead!
Big Merton Falls
Mitchell Falls are awesome, I could sit and watch them for hours. I'd love to fly over them during the Wet just to see how amazing they look in full force. We spent a bit of time swimming at the top of the falls, you can't swim anywhere else because the Wungurr Creator Snakes live there and will punish you for your disrespect. Well, that and you'd probably be sucked over the edge to your death anyway, its best to nod and smile and go "Hmm, yeah, creator snakes" and just stay where they want you to.
The Stunning Mitchell Falls
There are two ways back to the car park from the falls; either you spend 90 minutes walking back the way you came or you take a helicopter back. Options range from the 6 minute Taxi flight which will cost $90 to the Coastal flight which takes you for miles and will cost you your first born and two limbs. Me, Pat, Dick and Pam went with the $90 option which meant we had to cook dinner for the others when we got back because Glen wanted to have dinner at Little Merton Falls where we could watch the sunset. It's a nice idea in theory and getting there with large pans of food, plates, drinks and cutlery was no problem. Getting back with one torch between four of us was slightly more amusing. Have you noticed how many more rocks there are when you can't see them?
Taxi Home
Mitchell Falls From The Air
Today was awesome, it was a big day and I was suitably knackered as were Scott (22) and Isabelle (27), we fell asleep listening to the old folk singing Waltzing Matilda and slating the "young uns" for not being able to keep up with them.
Dinner At Little Merton Falls
Well some of us are conditioned to get an early night for work the next day thankyouverymuch.
Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
written by  Koala Bear on July 20, 2007 from Mitchell Plateau, Australia

Drysdale, Australia
Today was relatively uneventful in that we spent most of the time on the bus driving back down from the Mitchell Plateau towards Drysdale station, the glorious oasis in the middle of the Kimberley with a bar and hot showers. It doesn't mean things didn't take a freaky turn for the weird, though. There will now follow a lot of words, please make sure you're sitting comfortably and you have a nice cup of tea handy.
On The Road To The Mitchell Falls
One of the places we stopped was an Aboriginal burial ground. Glen told us not to take cameras in, it was bad luck. He also told us we didn't have to go in if we didn't want to then started to tell us all about the area, the burial rituals and how to behave in a place like this. Glen was adopted by an Aboriginal family and grew up in a remote settlement in the Daintree, Queensland. As a result he knows more than most white guides about Aboriginal culture, we were lucky to get him for this tour which did focus quite a lot on Aboriginal rock art and their beliefs, its not something I'm normally interested in, I just wanted to look at the pretty waterfalls and the Bungle Bungles but the way Glen talked and his obvious passion for the subject did instill some sort of interest.
And here's where things got weird. Mary, a Kiwi lass living in Sydney who alternated between talking like she had the mental age of 8 ("ooh look at the little fwroggy!") and intelligent conversation had snapped a small branch off a tree and was circling it around her head, body and ankles. Ok, maybe she has OCD. If she has OCD she needs rituals like that to function, right? Even I have certain rituals I need to go through in certain situations but I do them in my head to avoid freaking people out any more than a pierced, tattooed lesbian from Stockport already would.
At this point, Glen had started talking with a strong Aboriginal accent and dialect which is recognisably Australian but they sometimes structure their sentences slightly different, use distinctive words white Australians don't and their accent stands out from white Australians an all. If you spoke to an Aborigine on the phone you'd be able to tell. He told us that he would let the old people at this site know we were coming and they didn't have to fear us and they were welcome to look into our hearts. Ok, fair enough, this was a wee bit odd but hey, its his thing and we were in his world now. Cool. As we walked into the burial ground he called out in his local Aboriginal language and we all followed, Mary clapping rhythmically.
We all wandered round mainly in silence, it was a burial ground after all and the bones and skulls nestled in a hole in the rocks reminded us of this. Then Glen separated the guys from the girls and led, me, Lil, Pam, Pat, Isabelle and Mary to a section he said was only for the women. This is common in Aboriginal culture, there are places only men can go and places only women can go as well as places everyone can go. He told us to go in and take our time, take it all in and left us at the entrance. It was at this point Mary turned round almost in tears and said loudly, "I would like to lead the women back to this place! Does anyone have a problem with this?"
A problem? Nope, no problem at all, Crazy Lady! She started walking into the area, clapping rhythmically again and shouting loudly about respecting the guardians to the right or something. I fled back to the blokes to talk about footy and beer where Dick was wondering what Glen thought he was doing, letting a load of women go off on their own, it could only mean trouble.
I was chatting to Pat and Lil about what happened a bit later on, Pat said she thought Mary was on some sort of spiritual journey. Well she's on fucking something anyway. I mean, she's a nice enough lass and her heart's in the right place but she's a fucking nut job.
Windjana Spirits
Clean And Plyed With Booze
Anyway, we looked at some more Wandjina art that we could photograph then headed to Drysdale and the hot showers where I removed all excess body hair before it tried to dredd and settled down with a cold beer.
Fucking bliss.
I curled up in my swag that night, content and at peace with the world, hoping to fuck that someone had remembered to hide the sharp implements from Mary.
written by  Koala Bear on July 21, 2007 from Drysdale, Australia

Gibb, Australia
Today we rocked up to El Questro station, or El Shiny Town as its also known. They have 1 million acres of land but only 8000 cattle which they move around randomly and pretend to be a working cattle station as opposed to the overpriced flashy resort they are so they don't lose their lease. Its $15 per person per night just to camp here and if you want to stay in the homestead its $2000, minimum stay two nights.
El Questro Gorge
Nope, my finger didn't slip on the zeros then, its two thousand dollars per night. I have no idea what this will get you but for that price I'd want topless waitresses and oral sex.
Earlier in the day we'd had lunch at a lookout that randomly had chairs and tables positioned in the middle of nowhere where, apparently, the posh folks from Home Valley station went to watch the sunset. As I stuffed the Biggest Sandwich In The World into my mouth I wondered how much they paid to get up here for their sunset which would no doubt involve champagne and a tablecloth. I bet it was no where near what the El Questro posh folks paid for theirs.
El Shiny Town; Note The Helicopter In The Background
After a quick walk through El Questro Gorge and a mad dash up an intense 4WD track to Branco's Lookout for nibbles at sunset (check us out, how El Questro are we?) it was time for hot showers and cold beers and a quick talk why we had to beat the Connections tour bus to Zebedee Hot Springs the next day, there were about 20 of them and there's limited space in the pools. No worries, as Tom pointed out they wouldn't go very fast with flat tyres... No, apparently this wasn't an option, we just had to get up early. Oh what a fucking surprise.
Later on I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror in the shower; I was getting proper fat, I looked three months gone. It must be all that Proper Food, it must be just sitting in my stomach not digesting because my body hasn't got a fucking clue what to do with it.
The diet, as always, would start tomorrow.
written by  Koala Bear on July 22, 2007 from Gibb, Australia

Kununurra, Australia
Connections hadn't even folded their table cloth by the time we drove out of the camp site and to Zebedee. Scott lived in Kununurra and was a regular to El Questro and the hot springs, we followed him to the warmest pool where we stayed until we got wrinkly or, in some cases, wrinklier. I love sitting in hot water, me, I'll never get bored of it. Of course its infinitely better with a large quantity of alcohol but whatever, its still nice just to chill out in a vat of water that isn't gonna get cold anytime in the next few thousand years.
The Girls In The Hot Pools
Zebedee Thermal Pools
It was today that we finished the Gibb River Road and got back onto the tarmac. We'd done it, we'd survived the Gibb. Ok, so we survived it in a big shiny air conditioned bus driven by an expert but hey, we did it anyway. And so it was onto Kununurra where we'd be losing Pat, Dick, Lil, Tom, Pam and Scott because they had better things to do than go back to Broome.
Scott, Isabelle, Me, Pat, Dick, Lil, Pam, Mary, Bill And Tom
Ok, here's the thing, tomorrow we had a whole free day to ourselves and I couldn't even fill an afternoon. Seriously, it takes about 4 minutes to walk around town and I didn't fancy any of the overpriced cruises up the Ord River. I did however manage to find a 4 litre cask of goon in a bottle shop. This made me happier than it should have done and I made a mental note to keep a close eye on my drinking habits although I quickly forgot this mental note later on when me and Isabelle were drinking it out of the bag.
So I was trotting back to the camp site, chuckling to myself over the discovery of the joyous 4 litre cask of goon when Scott pulled up in his Landcruiser and asked me if I wanted to go out on his boat.
Scott's Jet Boat
Elephant Rock
Oh, ok then. We drove to his and took his boat back up the river to the campsite to fetch the others. On the way we went passed Elephant Rock, so called because it looks like an elephant.
Erm... does it?
squints*
Nope, can't quite see it. Has anyone got any spare hallucinogens because clearly that's the only way I'm going to see an elephant in that there rock.
We watched the sunset over the Ord River from Scott's boat which shat all over the posh expensive sunsets the people at the station pay for then went to the local pub for a last meal together and a few drinks.
Sunset Over Lake Kununurra
Despite the age differences we'd all got on really well, Pat and Dick even said I could go and stay with them in Tasmania any time I wanted on the condition I didn't swear in front of their grandkids.
Swear? Moi?
I'm sure I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
written by  Koala Bear on July 23, 2007 from Kununurra, Australia

Kununurra, Australia
Today was time for a lie in. Oh sweet joy of joys! Even though a lie in when you live outdoors means getting up with the sunrise as opposed to before it even gets light.
Whatever, we could get up when we felt like it and fill our mornings however we chose. We didn't have anything to do until 9am when we'd be dropping Pam off at the coach stop, leaving Bill in town because he was over large bodies of water containing crocodiles and picking Pat and Dick up from their motel because they had the sense to book into one instead of sleeping on the floor in a swag for their last couple of nights in WA before heading to Scott's place again.
Launching The Boat
Pat In The Tube
Scott's lovely, he's one of them blokes that are incredibly good looking and genuinely nice with it. Bastard. He's also got money, I actually heard the words "only $3000" come out of his mouth. In that order. Only $3000? Is that it? I'll have two.
He was going to take me, Pam, Dick, Isabelle, Mary and Glen out for the day where we'd be dragged along the Ord on body boards and tubes. And here's me worrying about how I was going to fill the day.
Lovin' It
One Way To Spend A Morning
Being dragged along by a jet boat is loads of fun, you just have to remember to let go out the rope if you come off the board or you risk giving the crocs an interesting view of your nipples. There's also a 10 metre jump into the river, about the same height as the big jump at Blackwall Reach which I only did once then seemed to leave my nerve in the car every time I went back. Apparently I must have forgotten to collect it this time as well, I got to the top and my legs refused to let me jump. My head wanted to do it, I know its a rush and I know I'd love it once I did it but nope, the legs thought better of it. This is obviously something I need to deal with, I only need two irrational fears in my life and those are spiders and commitment. Babies scare me as well but they're a bit slower than spiders and you can usually stamp on them before they try and run up your leg.
Pretty Places
Pretty Views
Ok I'm just trying to put off what I'm going to say next. Pat did the jump. Pat's 69. I was put to shame by a 69 year old woman. If I'm half the woman Pat is when I'm 69 I'll be happy, she has a go at everything, no questions asked, she's an inspiration. In short, Pat rocks.
Only me, Bill, Isabelle and Mary from the original group would be heading back and tonight we were joined by four of our new crew who'd be coming back to Broome with us. There was Sally and Simon, a couple of southern fairies and Paula and Ed, two northern monkeys from Sale. We had a BBQ then me and the new lot bonded the only way English people know how; Down the pub.
written by  Koala Bear on July 24, 2007 from Kununurra, Australia

Purnululu National Park, Australia
This morning we picked up our last newbies, four people from Melbourne, then headed towards Purnululu National Park, better known as the Bungle Bungles. It was weird being back on sealed roads but when we heard a tour bus had literally split in half along the Gibb the other day I could have kissed the tarmac.
It took most the day to get to the Bungles then we did the Cathedral Gorge walk which is just brilliant.
The Only Way Into Purnululu
I was having a lot of doubts about the way I was running my life when I was in Broome for number of reasons. I was wondering what I was doing uprooting myself from situations where I was comfortable and happy and taking myself to places where I was miserable in the name of adventure and seeing everything in the world. Since the day I got to Broome I was constantly toying with the idea of going back to Perth and giving up on seeing the rest of the country, the west coast was what I mainly wanted to do anyway and I was happy in Perth. But just doing things like taking a helicopter flight over the Mitchell Falls and wandering through the Bungle Bungles ranges made me realise that yeah, I'm doing it right. This is what its all about, this is why I get out of bed in the morning. I need a constant influx of new things to play with and do and its worth it for a month or two of confusion and hurt. No matter how low you get, no matter how bad the situation is or how unsure you are, something will work out in the end. Something always crops up and everything happens for a reason.
I have no regrets about the way I do things and I'll never give this life up for anything.
Somewhere along this walk, if you stop, stand next to a certain rock and listen you can hear a humming noise coming out of the actual rock. Mary said the rocks were singing but Mary's a fucking fruit loop. Its just full of bees, millions of robber bees, so called because they rob off with other bees honey and lock it inside rocks so nothing can rob it off them. Pikeys.
Eventually you come to the reason its called Cathedral Gorge, its like this massive cave with a brilliant echo. Mary started doing her thing with branches again so I hung back to make sure there'd be no weirdness before I went in. We chilled there for a bit then headed up to a lookout to watch the sunset over Purnululu with chips and dips and pickled onions. This was the sweatiest we'd been since the trip started and it was the only time we didn't have access to any water at all, no swimming and no showers apart from a hosepipe hooked up to a cold tap.
And If You Look Closely You Can Just About Make Out My 6th Chin
But yeah, Purnululu is brilliant. It's just utterly peaceful, fucking awesome. And to think I could have been back in Perth at this point.
Nope. Not for anything.
written by  Koala Bear on July 25, 2007 from Purnululu National Park, Australia

Purnululu National Park, Australia
A helicopter ride over Purnululu will cost you $185 for 18 minutes so that morning I duly handed over the Magic Plastic and jumped on the scales for the obligatory weigh in. I'm 5kg heavier than I was when I had my medical in February. FIVE! Although I think at least four of that is my extra chin which is currently in direct competition with my arse to take over the world. I don't know how that happened, one day I have one chin, the next day it has company. If this continues I'm gonna start charging it rent.
Taking Off
Fuckin' Love Choppers, Me
Aaaanyways, the flight was awesome, I love helicopters, they're just so fucking cool!
Once we were all firmly grounded it was time for more walks through pretty places that we could ooh and ahh at. There's not much else to say about them, its all about the scenery and the photos don't do it justice but what the hell, I can't think of anything else suitably coherent to say.
Have some more photos.
Purnululu Sunset
written by  Koala Bear on July 26, 2007 from Purnululu National Park, Australia

Fitzroy Crossing, Australia
This little bleeder was bigger than anything with eight legs and fangs has any right being and was on the ceiling in a rest stop toilet on the Great Northern Highway. As if drop toilets aren't scary enough as it is.
Scary Bitch
There hasn't been a Death By Redback in Australia since about 1956 when the anti-venom was developed and even then there was only about 13 recorded deaths before that. Also, its only the females that are poisonous, they're part of the Widow family. Psychotic bitch. My kinda girl.
None the less, I decided to give the loo a miss and risked spiking my arse on the spinifex behind a rock instead.
written by  Koala Bear on July 27, 2007 from Fitzroy Crossing, Australia

The Kimberley: Days 11 & 12
On account of the fact I slept for the majority of the two days back to Broome I have nothing witty or coherent to write here. Sitting on a bus isn't the most mentally stimulating activity so have some photos instead. I'm gonna sit and marvel at them for a while. Aren't they pretty?
Tree People
I was back in Broome about an hour when I randomly bumped into four people I knew in three separate places before I even got back up to the MCG to say hi to everyone. Ahh, Broome. Gotta love the tinyness. I also went to McDonalds to get a quick grease fix and got some very odd looks off a lad called Dan who Nicki had an interest in. Now, let me take you on a little trip down Not Much Of A Memory Lane...
Nights You Can't Remember With Friends You'll Never Forget
A while ago after a big night out we stumbled back to the campsite where Nicki asked me to call this lad who worked at McDonalds so, being the pissed up matchmaker I was called him at some obscene hour in the morning and demanded to know when he was taking Nicki out for a Chinese and a movie. He agreed to take her out and they met up a few times.
Aaaanyway, forwards to my leaving Broome party. Everyone had come to the Last Resort where I was staying and we'd had a few drinks there on top of the drinks me and Loody started on not too long after lunch. I remember leaving the Lastys. I remember getting to the Oasis. I even remember leaving that bar and getting home at some foolish hour. I have no recollection of what happened between leaving the hostel and getting to the bar.
Nicki does.
Apparently, me and Rachel had demanded to know which one was Dan and Nicki had no choice but to point him out because we were being so loud about it. He works at the drive through window so we got in our imaginary car, me driving, Rachel in shotgun DJing and Nicki in the back. Apparently she didn't want to be in the back but we made her because Rachel wanted to be DJ and it was my imaginary car but still, she actually got into our car and we walked through the drive through.
Making car noises.
It gets better.
After that I believe I spent a good while shouting at Dan and demanding that he take Nicki out while Rachel ordered fries. Once she'd finished them she asked Dan for a free refill and when he said no she told him, "You suck! I'm gonna tell Nicki you suck then she won't go out with you!" At this point I apologised for her behaviour because of course my behaviour at this point was perfectly acceptable then proceeded to escort her off the premises because she was drunk.
We stumbled out of Maccas, turned round to Nicki who was cowering outside and said, "Erm... I don't think your romance is a romance anymore."
So that would be why the poor bloke asked his supervisor for a break as soon as he saw me.
Yep, definitely the right time to be leaving Broome for good methinks.

Broome To Darwin: Day 1
Mary Pool, Australia
Left Broome: 29/07/07
Arrived Darwin: 02/08/07
Sarah who I know from Rainbow Lodge had flown to Broome the previous night to come to Darwin. Neil was meant to be coming but he dropped out so Nicki, whos romance me and Rachel (but probably mainly me) had destroyed had decided to come as well.
I dragged them off for one of my trademark early starts because I wanted to stay at a rest stop we'd had lunch at on the All Terrain Safaris tour because it was pretty and there were crocs in the river which meant we had over 600km to cover and I wanted to get there in the light. We stocked up the esky and hit the road.
Nicki, Sarah And Me At Mary Pool Rest Stop
After developing a somewhat disturbing habit up the West Coast of keeping food in the esky it was good to see it full of shiny silver goon bags and a litre of milk for tea making purposes. Food should be kept to a minimum in an esky as it takes up precious space needed for the ice to keep the goon cool although lets face it, cold goon tastes just as bad as warm goon. Its not even real goon in Broome, its actual wine with names like Chardonnay or Semillion Sauvengion or other things that should be pronounced with a bad French accent.
Anyway, today was just a mad dash to Mary Pool rest stop, about an hour from Halls Creek. We posed for photos with a crocodile, collected some firewood and made friends with the people who'd been there a few days for reasons we could never fathom.
And That's About As Close As I Was Getting
Mary Pool is a nice place to spend the night but just the night, it really is a rest stop in the middle of nowhere. Nicki and Sarah set their tents up and a bloke came over and warned us about the cows, apparently they wander through the site alot but they probably wouldn't trample the tents, I should be careful in my swag though.
Took Forever To Collect This Wood
Backpacker Silver Service
Right on cue a huge bovine stampeded through the caravans and cars. I abandoned my usual habit of sleeping by the fire that night. If I'd have slept any closer to the car I'd have been under it.
written by  Koala Bear on July 29, 2007 from Mary Pool, Australia

Broome To Darwin: Day 1
Wolfe Creek, Australia
One of the advantages of the mad dash yesterday was that we could just chill out this morning, have a lie in, take our time, have a cooked breakfast (which translates as egg sandwiches) which we nearly ended up sharing with Bruce, some sort of parrot that was obviously used to being fed.
He had no bloody fear, the little bleeder. The next parrot that tries to take my breakfast will become breakfast.
Meet Bruce
On A Mission To Nom Our Food
And then it was onto Wolfe Creek, 154km south of Halls Creek along the unsealed Tanami Road that runs all the way to Alice Springs. When Sarah had tried to get there last year apparently it was a shocking road, they couldn't get over 20kph so they gave up but this time it had been recently graded and apart from the huge, unsignposted dips you have to look out for you can get your speed up to about 80 - 110kph on the good bits. The only bit you might want to worry about in a 2WD is the last 10km of the turnoff, its just rocky and corrugated and there are three or four gates you have to go through. It was at one of these that Nicki lost her iPod, we went back for it but someone must have picked it up.
Bugger. I'd also lost a hubcap somewhere along the way but to be honest I needed a new set anyway on account of my habit of using kerbs as a handy Stop When You Hear The Crunch parking gauge.
Welcome To Wolfe Creek
In The Middle Of The Crater
Wolfe Creek Meteorite Crater
There's free camping, like, right at the bottom of the crater and about 4 or 5 other people were camping there. Wolfe Creek isn't scary at all. Its a good, well used road in, people stay here all the time and there's a distinct lack of sociopaths and psychotic murderers in utes equipped with spotlights so they can dazzle their intended victim while they stumble about screaming, "Who are you?! What do you want from me?! What have you done with (insert name of unfortunate now ex boyfriend here) you bastard!"
What? What do you mean I watch too many films?
Our Camp At Wolfe Creek
Wolfe Creek is something else though. We climbed into the crater, realised how unfit we were when we climbed back out and watched the sunset from the rim. It was a full moon rise that night an all, it was awesome, second only to a Broome Staircase moon rise.
Fuck I love my life.
written by  Koala Bear on July 30, 2007 from Wolfe Creek, Australia

Wyndham, Australia
We went 50km out of our way to see the Big Crocodile in Wyndham, Western Australia.
The Big Crocodile
Well its not like there's any other reason to go to Wyndham is there.
written by  Koala Bear on July 31, 2007 from Wyndham, Australia

Broome To Darwin: Day 3
Gregory, Australia
We survived Wolfe Creek Meteorite Crater with our spinal cords intact, so far it was a successful road trip.
Today was a none event, we just wanted to get as close to Lichfield National Park as possible. We crossed the border and I left WA for the first time in over 8 months. Fuck I love that state and its capital more than anywhere else in the world.
On To The NT
We lost an hour and a half of our lives when we crossed the border but we made up for lost time on account of the 130kph speed limit they have in the Northern Territory and they only recently brought that in. Until then you could go as fast as you wanted until your car fell apart.
New Speed Limits
The Fastest You Can LEGALLY Go In Oz
We drove into the night, only just avoiding a couple of startled looking kangeroos, before we set up camp.
written by  Koala Bear on July 31, 2007 from Gregory, Australia

Litchfield National Park, Australia
I love Lichfield National Park. Seriously, its awesome here, I'd even go as far as to say its better than Karijini.
dodges missiles thrown by WA types*
Florence Falls
Oh what? Come on, WA is still my favorite state, its just that the Territory has the best National Park. I know I know, its a controversial statement but Lichfield is more accessible than Karijini and the swimming holes are slightly warmer. Just watch yourself in Florence Falls, I felt something scratch my leg and looked down and there was this little fish just looking at me. It had gone for one of the mozzy bites on my leg, apparently they're some kind of cleaning fish and they'll try and clean out any wounds that you have.
Oh thanks, very fucking helpful! Try using cotton wool or something next time you vicious little sod.
Chillin' In Buley Rockholes
Buley Rockholes
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Wooooo!
Lichfield is like a big, natural waterpark, Buley Rockhole is fun, its like a little cascade you can follow down, one of the pools is about 6 metres deep so you can jump in off the side. Its only a little jump though, I managed this one and at least there were no 69 year old women to put me to shame this time.
Tolmer Falls
Collecting Firewood In A Sedan
Camping is $6.60 per person per night, we stayed at Wangi Falls because they're pretty and there's a little pool a few metres up the rock face which is a bit warmer than the rest of the plunge pool. I mean, I'm not saying you'd run your bath to that temperature but its still nice enough for you not to want to get back into the cold pool afterwards.
Wangi Falls
written by  Koala Bear on August 1, 2007 from Litchfield National Park, Australia

Darwin, Australia
After another morning playing in Wangi Falls (oh yeah, and random as fuck, we bumped into Julien who I know from Echuca and his girlfriend Naomi who came on the Neighbours tour with me) with me and Sarah finishing the goon off, Nicki drove us to Darwin. Apart from one minor incident where I woke up in the back because she'd put my car in a ditch (glares) we made it in one piece and checked into Gecko Lodge.
Nice Croc/ Nasty Croc
Wangi Falls
Right. Lets see how long it takes me to get bored of this place.
written by  Koala Bear on August 2, 2007 from Darwin, Australia

Here's An Idea
Darwin, Australia
I'm going to move to one of the hottest cities in Australia, dress entirely in black and go job hunting.
Yeah. Because they're really going to want to employ me after I drip sweat on the application form.
written by  Koala Bear on August 7, 2007 from Darwin, Australia

Unemployment
Darwin, Australia
You know you've been involuntarily unemployed for too long when you find yourself slumped on a couch idly flicking through the jobs paper, poring over jobs which require skills that exceed your qualifications as a Good For Nothing Lay About Backpacker whilst criticising the inadequacies of childrens' television.
I've got no job, no money and I live in a car park. Meh. If I was any higher up in the world I'd smack my head on the chandelier. All I need now is a job in a sex shop and a date with a stripper.
Can you imagine the letter home to Gran?
written by  Koala Bear on August 16, 2007 from Darwin, Australia

Work. Yay. I Think.
Batchelor, Australia
On account of the fact I resemble a stapled mural with a grin the only people in the world who'll employ me are the Firey Pits Of Hell otherwise known as a melon farm near Batchelor.
This means no phone signal or internet until what will seem like the very end of time.
hyperventilates*
However, it does mean Litchfield on my days off. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Well, an off-greyish lining anyway.
written by  Koala Bear on August 17, 2007 from Batchelor, Australia

Random Nuggets Of Information #3
Batchelor, Australia
On account of the fact I've had fuck all money and therefore no motivation to peel myself off whatever couch happens to be handy apart from when I have to go and slave in a field I haven't quite managed to put together a suitably coherent post. I mean, I've been up to stuff since I got to Darwin, not much though because there's no fucking work in Darwin but yeah, stuff has occurred.
The following has been brought to you by abject laziness, a touch of boredom and no small amount of confusion as to why my usually fantastically reliable luck appears to have taken a holiday.
See I Did Have A Life Before Australia
So I was mincing through Darwin pretending like I was employable or something when I saw a man in a sarong and I thought, "Hmm. Man in a sarong" because lets face it, men in sarongs walking through Darwin are about as common as lesbians with 31 piercings walking through Darwin. Then I recognised him, it was Tristan, the stoner hippy Aussie I lived with at Stockmore Street in Oxford for a year about 4 or 5 years ago during one of the vaguer, messier periods of my life. There were some fun nights and days at Stockmore Street with our digital TV, PS2, mixing decks and an abundance of people who came round our place to party. The UV Wall was the centre of attention, I was a perverse mix of cybergoth, punk and crusty, kittens made great toys for fucked people and the Smily Army started to grow.
Tristan In The Old Days Of Stockmore Street
But still, good times and I do miss them but they weren't good for me. Tristan now works and lives at The Rock, an indoor rock climbing gym based in a WWII water tank, its fucking cool and means I get to go and play on fibreglass rock face 9 metres higher than normal. Regular readers will be aware of my fascination with putting myself in High Up places then wondering why because I generally like it better when incapacitation or death isn't imminent. Chilling with Tris is like we were never apart and the other guys at the gym are cool an all.
One Of The Lads
NOT My Most Flattering Angle
Anyway, so that's the main Darwin story. These days I stay in touch with everyone whether they mean anything to me or not. I'm in touch with random people I met only once and with people who didn't touch me in ways others did and I don't mean that in a filthy way. Well, not everybody anyway.
But the point is I've been reunited with someone I should never have lost touch with in the first place and hopefully, where ever I am or where ever he is we'll manage to stay mates from here on in.
The Top End City
The first thing you need to know about Darwin is that it's hot. Its winter in Australia but Darwin doesn't do winter. It does the Wet (50C and close to 100% humidity, monsoonal rains, cyclones and flash floods) and the Dry (around 30C in the day, never drops below 20C even at night, still quite humid, chance of rain is minimal). The Dry is when every backpacker and his Ford Falcon is in Darwin, I made the mistake of rocking up at the height of the Dry when there's more people than jobs.
Random Overheard Comment Whilst Watching The Sunset @ Mindil Beach Sunset Markets: "Wow, its like a big ball of fire init!"
Mindil Beach Sunset
Really? Ya reckon??
Apart from the odd retard, Mindil Beach on a Thursday and Sunday evening is the place to be. Live music (usually involves didge) and loads of food plus the usual home made jewellery and tie-dye which is compulsory at every market. And and and! Unless you have a severe addiction to buying stuff you don't want or need its free.
I had a couple of good nights out in Darwin, one thanks to the misguided notion that I might get work soon and one thanks to the Vic and their penchant for cheap or free food, party games and giving away beer. I think they work on the theory the drunker we are the larier we'll be and the more fun the night'll be.
Good Times
Nice Jugs, Krystal
Oh how right they are.
Twisting My Melon, Man
Ever tried to imagine Hell On Earth?
Take a mate and go down Coles or Tescos or whatever supermarket happens to own the country you live in. Feeling a bit posh? Try Waitrose. Students and backpackers, stick to the Co-Op.
Find a decent sized watermelon and play catch with it. Now imagine doing this for a minimum of four hours a day seven days a week.
In an oven.
On account of the fact I have tits and therefore can't be trusted to pick enough melons I get to do other things such as Drive The Tractor or Put Things In Boxes. It's definitely easier but this still has to be the worst job I've ever had surpassed only by that time I decided that cleaning in the slaughter room in an abattoir was a viable career option, instead of sheep heads hitting me in the noggin its melons hitting me in the tits but its still almost as unpleasant.
Melon The Flea Bitten Mutt
Backpacker House
The backpacker house is cool, its like a hostel without the rules and the omnipotent "Don't Do This, Don't Do That" signs everywhere. The other people are wicked, you get four dogs to play with and if you don't mind the fleas its all good. The only other thing you have to deal with is being patronised by the sons although after receiving detailed and comprehensive instructions on how to use a rubber stamp I did manage not to slap Sam. Do I get a medal?
But yeah. Fuck it. Fuck melons. I'm off to the Lesbian Metropolis that is Alice Springs, not that I saw any dykes last time I was there but to be honest its difficult to notice much when you constantly have your face buried in a pint of beer.
Curly And Krystal's Goodbye Message At The End Of The Loooong Dirt Road To The Melon Farm
Kindred Spirits
I have discovered that the Taiwanese have the same appalling taste in cheesy music as I have.
Always good to know you're not alone as a minority.
written by  Koala Bear on August 21, 2007 from Batchelor, Australia

Humpty Doo, Australia
Not even Steve Irwin godresthissoul would wrestle an oversized croc wearing boxing gloves.
The Big Boxing Croc
Mainly because he'd be on the floor pissing himself laughing at something so fucking absurd.
The Big Crocodile, Humpty Doo, Northern Territory. Go on, its worth it for the jaw dropping pointlessness.
written by  Koala Bear on August 24, 2007 from Humpty Doo, Australia

Return To The Alice: Day 1
Douglas-Daly, Australia
Left Darwin: 24/08/07
Arrived Alice Springs: 27/08/07
Nothing starts a road trip like watching a man called Kingsley taunting one of the world's most dangerous creatures with a lump of meat hanging off a stick. Krystal had won a free ticket at The Vic to one of the Jumping Crocodile cruises and she gave it to me so I duly rocked up because free things are one of my favourite things in the world.
Herrrrre Croccy Croccy Croccy
Fishing For Crocs
The Closest I'll Ever Get To A Full Grown Saltie With My Limbs Intact
Once there, they lead you onto a large, comfortable boat very well suited to cruising up a saltwater croc infested river... then they lead you right through the other side onto a vessel resembling something you'd pack sardines into. It's an unnerving sensation sitting in this tin can as huge salties swim up to it, you can feel yourself slowly slipping down the food chain.
So it was gone 4pm by the time I got my arse properly into gear to head down to Alice, I was thinking about heading through Kakadu National Park but after speaking to a couple of locals I didn't bother (Litchfield do, Kakadont) because I don't have a 4x4. Usually I laugh in the face of 4WD recommended and take the Falcon anyway but I generally reserve those little adventures for when I'm in the company of People Who Can Change Tyres. So yeah, I didn't bother with Kakadu, I was thinking about maybe spending the night at Litchfield but figured I should probably at least try and get further than 90 minutes from Darwin. I ended up at Douglas Hot Springs just as the sun had set.
Douglas Hot River
Travelling this kind of distance alone is new for me but Alice was a spur of the moment decision and Kliff wanted to go back to Broome. That was a hard goodbye, I've been in the same town as Kliff pretty much constantly since we met in Melbourne, he's one of my best mates over here and a mate for life, we've done some awesome things and been to some wicked places together from the Great Ocean Road to crossing the Nullabor. He'll be leaving the country in October so that was the last time I'll see him, in Australia anyway.
I usually eat quite well on the road on account of the fact I travel with people who crave strange and alien things such as Nutrients and Proper Meals With Ingredients. Left to fend for myself and I only eat because if I don't I'll fall over and even then its stuff out of packets and tins with the nutritional value of a spanner.
Another thing about travelling alone is the positive head space. Yeah, there's head space at the farm but its a shit situation, you can't sort anything out in your mind because you're too busy being miserable but just kicking back under the moonlight with a nice cup of tea and having time to properly think is invaluable.
And just so you know, mum; I camped in National Parks all the way down where there is little or no risk of abduction by a white ute driving sociopath.
written by  Koala Bear on August 24, 2007 from Douglas-Daly, Australia

Return To The Alice: Day 2
Katherine, Australia
Douglas River is the kind of place that makes me insanely jealous of the people of Darwin because they have this on their doorstep. Its basically a hot river, so hot in parts it can burn you, you have to be careful where you get in. There's a bit where cooler water flows in to meet the hot water and there's a little dip in the sand so you can sit with your back in the hot water and your feet in the cold while the fish nibble on your dead skin. They're the fish that don't hurt, like the ones at Dalhousie. Not the vicious little bleeders that try and clean your mozzy bites by removing portions of flesh like at Florence Falls. Ok, I exaggerate, they're only about 10cm long, not quite big enough to tear your limbs off but I bet if they were they wouldn't think twice about it. Cunts.
Steaming
Douglas At Dawn
David; My New Fave Person
Aaanyway, I was just sat in the river for a couple of hours because sitting in hot water is one of my favourite things surpassed only by vodka, chatting to a few people including a bloke called David, he's from Darwin but he'd been working away in Utopia, a desert town near Alice Springs. He was just on his way back and thought he'd chill at the river the previous night, just to relax before he went back to work.
I like David. He invited me for breakfast. Anyone who cooks bacon and eggs for me instantly wins my heart. He also gave me a stack of food he said he'd bought for when he was working away and wouldn't use it now he was going back home. I never need to shop again, especially for cereal, either David makes a habit of feeding backpackers and small armies or he was expecting to be involved in a minor siege in Utopia. I am now the proud owner of all kinds of expensive breakfast products as well as packets and tins of food that don't have Home Brand (like Tescos Value) written on them and a tub of marge which I intend to put on top of on of my food bags at a slight angle so that when the car heats up it liquefies and covers as much stuff as possible because thats what I do with all my marge.
After a quick stop at Edith Falls for a swim and to be chewed on by them nasty little cleaning fish again I headed to Katherine to rent a canoe and go paddling up the gorge. I actually enjoy canoeing providing shoulder movement isn't neccessary the next day but I'm lazy, I never get far before I start wishing for an engine or maybe a slave to paddle for me. Katherine Gorge is pretty though and it was a good way to kill an afternoon. The camp site there is $9.50 a night for an unpowered site but that includes hot showers.
Katherine Gorge
Gotta Love Canoeing
See, travelling in luxury, me.
And a big shout out to Kat and Dave who, while I was freshie spotting up the gorge, were busy being all grown up like and getting wed. Let me know when you start breeding, guys, I'll make sure I'm out of the country in order to avoid baby sitting duties.
written by  Koala Bear on August 25, 2007 from Katherine, Australia

This One's For You, Kat
Katherine, Australia
My best mate Katherine got wed today. Fucking typical, a major event in one of my closest friend's life and I'm... well... I'm in Katherine init. Not like that you filthy minded fuckers! The NT town.
In Katherine...
Anyways, while I was at Wolfe Creek I recorded this video message which can be found at:
Me: Hi Kat, erm, I'm gonna try and do this without laughing, I haven't got a fucking clue what to say.
Erm, just wanted to say have a really good hen night and a wicked wedding day an I'm sorry I can't be there, I'm fucking gutted I can't be there. Erm, yeah, have a great one and sorry for the lack of purpleness but I do have to get a job when I go to Darwin, the whole purple hair thing isn't gonna work for me ay.
Anyway, this is Wolfe Creek crater. So hopefully... I'm recording this now in case I don't survive. Er, so I thought y'know, get it in there quickly, hopefully, y'know, somebody'll find the film, send it to you, get it all sorted, all that sort of shit.
And erm, hello everybody else who's watching this, hope you're all cool and, yeah.
Sarah: Haven't been washed away (referance to the recent floods in England).
Me: Haven't been washed... yeah, fucking hell yeah, hope you haven't drowned or something. Yeah, god yeah, I'd be gutted if you'd drowned. Yeah, get in touch and let me know you're not, like, dead and stuff.
Erm, clearly I might be on account of the man in a white ute over there. So yeah, cool have a good un.
Sarah: Offering you rain water (referance to the movie Wolf Creek).
Me: Offering me rain water. With a big knife. He was sharpening it earlier, it was a bit unnerving.
Erm, cool, alright. This is Nicky by the way.
Nicky: G'day.
Me: She's not... She's from Sale!
Nicky: I'm from Sale.
Sarah: Oh, my sisters just got a house there.
Me: And that's Sarah who's holding the camera.
Sarah: Hi! I don't know if I'm holding this so you can see me but...
Me: Brilliant. And, erm, yeah, cool. We're just watching the sunset from the crater then we're gonna go and get drunk because it's less painful when you're drunk when the knife goes in and severs the spine.
And erm, I'll hopefully see you soon. Ok. Bye bye.
Sarah: Bye.
Nicky: Bye.
written by  Koala Bear on August 25, 2007 from Katherine, Australia

Larrimah, Australia
The Big Stubby (bottle of beer), Larrimah, Northern Territory.
The Big Stubby
If only.
sighs*
written by  Koala Bear on August 26, 2007 from Larrimah, Australia

Return To The Alice: Day 3
Tennant Creek, Australia
Most road trips in Australia involve copious amounts of driving distances incomprehensible to anyone whos never left the UK. Not even a fortnights holiday in Spain or a trip around France can prepare you for the sheer amount of kilometres you can drive without seeing anything. Today was Big Drive day, I wasn't intending to make it all the way to the Devil's Marbles tonight because there were a couple more hot springs I wanted to frolic in; Katherine Hot Springs and Mataranka Thermal Pool.
Katherine Hot (More Like Warmish) Springs
Mataranka; Old Men In Speedos
Katherine Hot Springs? Warmish springs more like. Not good for first thing in the morning, I'd been spoilt by Douglas River so I didn't last more than 20 minutes in there. Next stop was Mataranka, probably the more famous one. A resort backs onto it and the pool can apparently get proper busy. Again, it aint that hot and the sight of old men in Speedos is possibly one of the most traumatic experiences in the world.
I lasted 10 minutes.
Well It Was Hotter Than Katherine Hot Springs Anyways
Smokin'
So yeah, I made it to the Devil's Marbles in plenty of time for sunset which, as regular readers will know, is the best time to view Rocks With Names in the absence of alcohol. It was a long drive with the most interesting thing being the fire I drove through, it was so big the smoke blocked out the sun making it look like England on a winters day. Ok, make that any day. I think the press studs on the back pockets of my shorts are permanently imprinted onto my arse an all.
written by  Koala Bear on August 26, 2007 from Tennant Creek, Australia

Alice Springs, Australia
There's pretty much fuck all worth stopping for between the Devil's Marbles and Alice Springs apart from Wycliffe Well, allegedly the UFO capital of Australia.
Ohhhhh Kaaayyyyyy then.
It amused me though so I stopped to get a few photos.
I don't have an MP3 player so while I'm driving through dead zones I just let the radio scan the FM channels until it picks something up closer to the bigger towns. I got out of the car to get a photo of one of the signs and when I got back in the radio had stopped on 100.0 fm and was emitting white noise.
Ok. A wee bit freaky but yeah. I set it scanning again and drove to the next sign. Just as I was about to get out it stopped on the same channel and carried on with the white noise. It did it again when I pulled into the roadhouse, as long as the car was stationary it'd stop on 100.0 fm and emit white noise.
Were They trying to contact me? Maybe They were trying to tell me something.
I made a mental note to wrap my head in tin foil as soon as possible to stop Them from stealing my brain.
I Drove The Explorer Highway. Half Of It Anyway...
I was in Alice by lunchtime and met up with Toni for a bit. It's good to hang out with her again but I don't think her girlfriend agrees, I appear to have upset their delicate equilibrium and it only took me less than 24 hours.
So, join me in Alice Springs as I try and think of things to do in a desert town and fail to make decisions. Shouldn't be too long before I'm besieged by marauding, horny lesbians. I mean, look at me!
scratches mozzy bite on arse and peels scab off leg*
written by  Koala Bear on August 28, 2007 from Alice Springs, Australia

Wonders Never Cease
Alice Springs, Australia
People had stopped referring to my car as the Falcon and had begun calling it The Car Over There That Needs A Wash. I'm currently semi-gainfully employed by The Rock Tour, they pay me to wash buses which gives me access to all kinds of exciting things such as Buckets, Hoses and Brushes.
Here are some fun and interesting facts I discovered after scraping months of dirt off it.
1. My car is blue.
2. You can see through windows.
3. Mirrors reflect.
4. Locust guts should be removed immediately in order to prevent them from becoming a permanent feature.
5. Red dust really doesn't Add Character.
6. Detailing a car that has seen 100s kms of unsealed roads with all the windows down since its last clean is fucking boring and will never get finished.
written by  Koala Bear on September 13, 2007 from Alice Springs, Australia

Things To Do In The Alice That Don't Necessarily Involve Falling Over
Ok so you can walk up Anzac Hill and see the whole town. This is useful for finding out where things such as McDonalds (an essential Hangover Cure) or the next pub is but don't attempt to climb up this hill whilst on the phone because it just makes you sound like a dodgy phone pervert to the person on the other end.
Top Of Anzac Hill
The View From The Top
You can also go and get all mushy at the Baby Kangaroo Rescue Centre. They go out and rescue joeys from the pouches of road kill, raise them and release them back into the wild so that they themselves can become road kill and thus the cycle continues. It's $5 in and you get to play happy families with a little piece of the future of the NT's roads.
Awwwww
Thus Totally Destroying My Hard Image
Not had enough of cute, fluffy marsupials? Head up to Heavitree Gap and grab a bag of pellets for $1 to feed the rock wallabies. Nothing like interfering with the natural flow of the food chain.
Rock Wallaby And A Joey
Toni And Her New Mates
The Reptile Centre is $12 to get in unless you're a filthy backpacker and can prove it (and not with your handsome collection of goon bags either) in which case its $10. Don't go after you've been playing with joeys though or apparently the python might take a bit of a fancy to your extremities. These guys also do free handling and talks at various venues around Alice.
You Shoulda Seen Where The Damn Thing Had Its Tail
Wot You Lookin' At?
There's also some kind of big red rock type thingy about 300km south of Alice Springs, you may have heard of it. You can either self drive or you can fork out $295 plus park entry fees ($25 at the moment) and go with The Rock Tour which means you get to sleep during the boring Getting There bits and you get fed for three days. Can't be bad. The staff are also very good looking, especially the backpackers that clean the buses...
Here's the thing, I can't place why I love Alice so much. It's not a particularly special town, there really isn't much to do if you think about it but I'm still not ready to leave. No one ever hangs around for long, they rock up, do a tour to the centre, come back for one night then leave. I think it must be the people, they're awesome. They're so much fun and I'm gonna miss everyone.
written by  Koala Bear on September 27, 2007 from Alice Springs, Australia

A Town Like Alice
Oh my god how much do I love Alice Springs? I didn't think there was anything to do here but Toni and nothing to see but drink and... wait a minute... swap that over...
I only even came here because it was cheaper than Darwin and I was over picking watermelons, I didn't expect to have such an amazing time although I haven't blogged much in the 5 weeks I've been here because as much fun as it is, drinking so much that your brain seeps out of your ears and you're found sprawled on the floor around various parts of the hostel isn't exactly blog worthy.
I've loved living at Toddy's, the crew are awesome and they made my time here memorable. Well, the bits I can remember anyway. I love the feel of Alice and I love Bojangles. Oh stop rolling your eyes, its brilliant there, its cheesy as fuck, knows it and doesn't care and you also get that smug sense of self satisfaction when you manage to open the toilet door the right way whilst completely inebriated and anyone whos ever been to Bo's will know exactly what I mean by that.
Even after Toni left I still had a good time, no sooner had I gotten over the shocking realisation that the world doesn't actually revolve around me, Loody, Jean and Becky rocked up under strict instructions to keep me entertained.
Me And Irma
Jean, Karl, Loody, Bex And Me
We did the usual Alice things, they headed out on a three day tour to Uluru and when they came back we decided to head into the McDonnell Ranges. I passed through the West Ranges last year when I was up here with Heading Bush and me and Toni went into the East Ranges for a day trip a couple of weeks previous but I wanted to take Becky, Loody and Jean an all so we duly stocked up on potatoes and goon and headed out.
Our first stop was Standley Chasm which is the only attraction you have to pay for in the West McDonnell Ranges. They say that the best time to view it is between 11am and 1pm when the sun is high and the steep walls of the chasm glow a firey red.
Bollocks.
We rocked up at noon on the dot, I don't know what was more insulting, the fact we paid $8 or walked for 15 minutes to see it. It's definately not the Ranges proudest moment but hey, next stop was a Ellery Creek Big Hole, I'd been there before and it's wicked. It's the closest thing Alice Springs has to a beach, its just a short drive from town and has all kinds of exciting things such as water and sand and too many people, just like a real beach.
Standley Chasm
Ellery Creek Big (Cold) Hole
Swimming in Ellery Creek is a challenge, its freezing cold and I mean freezing. You can swim all the way to the other side but about half way it gets easier because the hypothermia starts to set in and you go numb. Seriously, there should be some kind of medal for Doing Ellery Creek. I still love it though, its a beautiful spot and I have an addiction to fresh water swimming holes and the sunshine soon brings your nerve endings back to life so you can punish them again in the next water hole.
After that we just drove as far as you can in a 2WD up to Glen Helen and another gorge then it was back on ourselves to Ormiston. The West McDonnell Ranges are brilliant, you can just hop from one water hole to the next, chill out, relax. If you're peckish you can stock up on pies at Glen Helen Resort, just be aware that it aint Mrs Macs! When will we ever learn that if its not Mrs Macs not to bother?
Big White Arses At Ormiston Gorge
Best Free Camp View Ever
And we had the best free camp ever in one of the roadside stops, it's a lookout with an amazing 360 degree view of the ranges, awesome at sunset. We're not too sure if you're allowed to camp there but nothing said we couldn't so we did. Ooh, walkin' on the wild side, us.
It is compulsary even on mini road trips to consume as much grease as possible which meant the first stop the next morning was the BBQs at the Ochre Pits for bacon and egg and a nice cup of tea before heading back towards Alice to refuel via the rest of the pretty rocks such as Serpentine Gorge and Simpsons Gap. Yes, we did do the obligatory Look Like The Simpsons tourist photo. I have to admit, I don't make the best Lisa in the world on account of the whole Not Being Yellow thing I have going on.
One Night In The Bush And Look At Us
Trephina Gorge
The East McDonnell Ranges are loads smaller than the West, you can do them in half a day easily unless you spend god knows how long painting yourselves up like Aboriginals in order to take amusing photographs. We'd done the same walk that me and Toni had done around Trephina Gorge, chilled by the dirty waterhole, had a bit of a dip then BBQ'd some spuds before breaking open the paint and going tribal.
Tribal
You can tell we've all spent too long in the bush. So easily amused.
written by  Koala Bear on September 30, 2007 from Alice Springs, Australia

The Big Man is at the top of a hill in Aileron, Northern Territory.
The Big Man
Fuck only knows how I missed this one on the way down, its not like he's the diminutive type is it.
written by  Koala Bear on October 1, 2007 from Alice Springs, Australia

Normanton, Australia
Krys The Savannah King, the Big Crocodile in Normanton, Queensland is meant to be an actual sized model of a saltwater croc that was shot and killed near the area.
Krys The Savannah King
Look At Me, I've Got My Head In A Crocs Mouth
Still, he's big enough for the obligatory Look At Me, I've Got My Head In A Crocodile's Mouth photo so he can be an official Big Thing in my blog.
written by  Koala Bear on October 3, 2007 from Normanton, Australia

Normanton, Australia
The Big Barra, Normanton, Queensland.
The Big Barramundi
The one that got away after it beat you up and nicked your wallet.
written by  Koala Bear on October 3, 2007 from Normanton, Australia

The Worst 2500km In History
Cairns, Australia
Left Alice Springs: 01/10/07
Arrived Cairns: 04/10/07
Bear in mind that its not long distances over vast expanses of nothingness that make road trips boring, Adelaide to Perth is 2600km across the Nullabor and I had a good time but then I had Kliff, Tim and an esky full of beer.
On account of the fact most my mates in Alice were locals who had no interest in driving 2500km to Cairns in a dusty Falcon, camping in rest stops and being generally skint I had to advertise for travel companions for the first time so I stuck a few notices up around the town and eventually Iris and Tammy, two girls from Hong Kong replied.
I have to admit, I was wary about taking strangers, its a long way to Cairns from Alice Springs but I couldn't afford to do the trip on my own and there's been a recent spate of peoples' cars breaking down, if it was going to happen I'd rather not be alone and Chinese people are small, if we were to end up on the side of the road the dingoes and sociopaths would go for the easiest targets first.
Anyway, it took three nights to get there and I can't say it was the most fun three nights ever but I figure that everything happens for a reason, if something can't be fun then let it be an education. Here's what I learnt over 3 nights and 2500km.
Lesson 1: Cheesy "Look At Me, I'm Holding Up A Huge Rock" tourist photos at the Devils Marbles are easier to do with travel buddies.
Look At Me, I'm Holding Up A Big Red Rock
Tammy In The Devils Marbles
Yep, they're still there, still round and still red but the girls hadn't seen them before so we stopped for a look and a wander round for the obligatory photos. Then we drove. And drove. And drove.
Lesson 2: No matter how much practice you have pissing in the bush you can never, ever avoid splash back.
So I introduced them to their first free rest stop camp site. We'd robbed some firewood from another rest stop and we spent the night drinking tea and talking. Well, they talked and I just listened, I learnt very very quickly that they didn't actually understand a word I was saying.
Lesson 3: Mount Isa is a fucking horrible town.
We'd crossed the border into Queensland (thus officially putting an entire state between me and my beloved WA) and rocked up here on day 2. Its got all kinds of exciting things such as phone signal, supermarkets, tourist information and a fuck off great big mine slap bang in the town centre. A lot of inland settlements in Australia were formed specifically for some sort of mining purpose which means they aint there to be pretty, its just that Mount Isa is less pretty then most. It could be Manchester during the Industrial Revolution if it were to ever stop raining in Manchester, like, ever. There's also a lookout you can drive up to where you can see the whole city. Lucky us!
Mt Isa
Crossing Another Border
Although I gotta admit, the drive between Mt Isa and Cloncurry is one of the nicest I've done and there's a 24hr rest stop exactly halfway between with fire pits, running water and flushing toilets. Flushing! I wasn't used to road side bogs you could breathe in anymore.
I could feel civilisation creeping up on me and I didn't like it.
Lesson 4: I suck at making fire. Making smoke? I deserve a fucking medal. Making a mess? I could represent England.
Free Camping With Iris And Tammy
Still, I got it going eventually while the girls sat back and talked amongst themselves in Cantonese. It wasn't that we needed it for heat, its just nice to have some light and something to focus on in the event that one of the party can't understand what the other two are saying. Then Sas, a Belgian girl rocked up, she'd arrived in a mega super deluxe shiny camper van with three other people she'd only known for three days and was already fed up of them so she came over for a chat. Sas, you have no idea how much you saved my sanity that night girl. We chatted for hours about everything, it was so good to just be able to talk and know that someone understands you and not have to repeat everything four times before getting a reaction that isn't a blank stare.
I decided that we needed to get to Cairns very very quickly.
Lesson 5: No matter how still you lie in tropical north Queensland you will still sweat like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.
Some people like to take the main highway all the way to Townsville then hang a left up to Cairns. I thought it might be prettier to go left at Cloncurry and head directly north to Normanton. And it is. Its much prettier. But the roads are about as wide as a road train and road trains don't stop for anyone or anything and it also meant we were over 350km further north a whole day earlier than necessary. So by this point I was hot, stressed and so completely over Chinese music which is basically like really bad English music except I don't understand the words. Mind you, I don't understand the words to most English music these days, the lyrics are all garbled and they don't make sense and...
Holy fuck, at exactly what point did I become my mother?!
Lesson 6: I love Lake Balmore!
The Amazing Lake Balmore
I'd refused to drive the girls to Karumba which was a fishing town near Normanton, it would have been a 140km round trip and you can't swim there because there's too many crocs. If I wasn't so desperate to just get to Cairns by this point I'd have taken them, if I was with mates or people I could have a laugh with I'd have taken them, maybe even gone out on a fishing charter and stayed in the town that night. But no, the thought of it just depressed me and as long as the car was moving I didn't sweat as much so we drove on and got to Croydon where I asked them if they wanted to look around the town because I was feeling a wee bit guilty about being a stroppy cunt. I was gutted when they said yes though but was about to pull over then I saw a sign for Lake Balmore, about 7km away, good for boating, fishing, swimming.... swimming!
Sweet joy of joys!
And they have cold showers and BBQs as well and again, this is where my normal road trips differed from this one. If it wasn't such an effort I'd have suggested we go back to town, grab some meat and bread and maybe some beers, chill here for a few hours, maybe even pay camp in Croydon that night.
Bugger that though. We just swam, showered then it was back on the road to Georgetown where we pay camped because there's no decent rest stops between Normanton and Cairns.
Lesson 7: Asians have the Nod And Smile technique down pat.
It was the last day and we were getting back into phone signal areas around the Atherton Tablelands. There's loads to see and do around here, I just didn't want to do it, I'd come back later with my parents. We stopped at one waterfall, went ooh ahh then it was onwards to Cairns. So far there'd been no Crazy People related incidents but there would be if I didn't get some decent conversation soon, having to say things four times before you're met with something other than a blank stare is just painful.
Millstream Falls
Cairns is big and scary and there's lots of cars and people and shops and a choice of directions and three lane roads. I felt like I should wear shoes and clean clothes and stuff, I was far too well adjusted to the bush and my desert towns. Quite frankly it scared the fuck out of me.
I offloaded the girls at their hostel in town then fled to Palm Cove to meet mum and dad who'd arrived that morning. That's it now, I'm never advertising again. Either I travel with people I've got pissed with or I travel alone.
Lesson 8: Hong Kong was handed back to China in 1997
Not 1992, Loody. You were so wrong. Mind you so was I but I'm writing this right at the bottom in the hope that no one will notice.
written by  Koala Bear on October 4, 2007 from Cairns, Australia

Being A Tourist - Day 1
Cairns, Australia
On account of the abject boredom and the desperate need for anything resembling Decent Conversation I got to Cairns a couple of days earlier than expected, arriving on the same day as Mum and Dad thus dashing any hope they had of a quite couple of days recovering from jet lag, getting used to the heat and humidity and generally relaxing. I dropped the girls off in town and drove to Palm Cove to meet the pair that spawned me for the first time in 17 months and began three weeks of renouncing noodles and dorm rooms in order to Be A Tourist.
I've broken this down into bite sized pieces to make it easier to wade through, not that anyone is gonna read it anyway, I don't know why I bother half the time. Its a bloody good job I'm just about self centred enough to enjoy telling the world all about me me me regardless of whether they like it or not.
Today we were going to Cairns Tropical Zoo in the morning then we were going to make some plans for the next couple of weeks in the afternoon, we'd get a nice early start, they'd call me when they were up and I'd drive in from town. I gave them until about 10.30am before I called to get them up.
I don't know, parents ay, lying in their pits until god knows what hour, anyone would think they were on holiday. So the afternoon plans were abandonded and instead we just chilled at the zoo. There'd be plenty of time for planning later and anyways, planning is best done over a beer.
Mum And Dad Feeding Roos
Mauling Crocs
The zoo is cool though, its $29 each to get in but you can easily fill a whole day there with the obligatory reptile talks, crocodile shows and cups of tea at the cafe plus you get to manhandle saltwater crocs before they get too big to remove limbs. And and and! I got to cuddle a koala for the first time. I kind of forgot they existed, they don't have koalas in WA or the NT which is where I'd been living, I'd stopped associating Australia with koalas thinking instead about stingers and crocodiles and other things that'd generally keep you out of the water on a blazing hot day.
We Make A Beautiful Couple, So Much In Common.
If I had a totem animal the koala would be it. They're cute and cuddly (oi, stop laughing you fuckers!), sleep for 16 to 20 hours a day and eat food of no nutritional value whatsoever. If they drank I'm sure it'd be goon. So we spent the best part of the day there then headed back to Palm Cove for dinner.
One of the best things about Being A Tourist is the food, no more boiling noodles for 2 minutes in a kitchen which you have to share with 100 other people and probably e-coli. Oh no. Its cafes for lunch and restaurants for dinner.
I wondered how my body was going to cope with Nutrients.
written by  Koala Bear on October 5, 2007 from Cairns, Australia

Being A Tourist - Day 2
Cairns, Australia
On account of the lack of planning the day before it was a quite one today, me and dad went sea kayaking round Double Island which was nice whilst mum chilled out on the mainland.
"I'm Comfortable With My Sexuality" Pink Kayak
Butch Blue Kayak
The Headland
Double Island
Cairns is promoted as the place where the rainforest meets reef but you don't really get the full impact of that until you look back at it from the ocean and see the headland covered in trees with the top of it shrouded in cloud. It's a beautiful place but so unlike what I'd become accustomed to in Australia, I was sort of missing the Eucalypts, the scrub and the vast open deserts but at the same time I love how diverse this country is. Oh its such a hard life ay. Which amazing place shall I visit next?
written by  Koala Bear on October 6, 2007 from Cairns, Australia

Being A Tourist - Day 3
Ok so today we were Doing Stuff. We were getting off our arses and going to Kuranda which is a little rainforest township a mere rail ride from Cairns. And by rail I mean Skyrail, a sort of cable car ride that takes you over the canopy giving you amazing views of the rainforest with the ocean as a backdrop. So I suppose I could just about get used to this new idea of Australia. You have the opportunity to jump off at two places and go for a walk to look at Barron Falls before getting back on and continuing through to the town.
The Skyrail
Looking Out Of The Skyrail
Kuranda is impossibly pretty, it doesn't look real. It feels like it gets packed up at 6pm when all the tourists go home and is taken out again in the morning like some kind of stage set, I half expected the locals to suddenly start singing and dancing like we were in some kind of bizarre musical. Mercifully they didn't. We had some time to kill before we were picked up to go horseriding so on the advice of a random Frenchman clutching a shingleback lizard we headed to Australia Venom Zoo where we parted with $15 each to go and look at some poisonous stuff.
Australia Venom Zoo
We were shown around by a guy who clearly had no fear of things with too many legs. I'm fine with snakes, insects don't bother me, crocodiles are cool and whilst stingers are a bugger I know to keep out of the water and avoid them. But spiders? Oh fuck no, I can't handle spiders. They're the manifestation of all that is evil, nothing has any need to be that shape and there's just no need for them. We have fly spray these days and anyway, the ones that were on show here would probably turn down flies in favour of a nice, juicy human limb. He took a tarantula out of its tank and I realised I'd instinctively backed away about 3 metres, I swear it was looking at me and licking its chops.
He then showed us another spider sat in a mesh of web which turned out to be a Funnel Web spider but not a Sydney Funnel Web which, as indicated by its name, is found in and around Sydney. Oh no. This was a Far North Queensland Funnel Web and... hang on... weren't we in...? Oh fuck! This was a brand new species they'd just discovered, so new that they'd only ever found 5 of them but in order to create an anti-venom they needed 500. He went on to tell us that they're found north of Mossman in and around the Daintree Rainforest but if we were out walking in the area we'd be lucky to find one. Lucky?
Lucky??
Getting six numbers in the lottery is lucky. Backing the winner of the Grand National at 100:1, that's lucky. Walking in the rainforest and stumbling across the deadliest spider in Australia with a bite that can kill you in 15 minutes for which there is no anti-venom? That's not exactly on my list of Lucky Things To Do This Week.
Blazing Saddles Souvenier Photo
Dad's First Time On A Horse Ever
After I'd been suitably traumatised we went to the meeting point where we'd be picked up by Blazing Saddles for a few hours wandering the rainforest on horseback. This was something Dad wanted to do because he'd never been on a horse in the entire 52 years he'd been on the planet. I'd not got on a horse for about 16 years and neither had Mum.
Horses don't have a stop button or seat belts, there's nothing to stop you from falling off but grim determination and a death-like grip and the only thing to break your fall is the ground. Things that are recommended whilst riding are long trousers and a top with sleeves to avoid scratches from branches, sunscreen and a pair of sunnies to hide the look of abject terror in your eyes. It was fun though and despite the mildly sore arse due to the trotting they made us do we had a good time.
Stoney Creek Falls
Not Always Overly Scenic
Then it was home again via the scenic railway which winds its way back to Freshwater station, slowing down for Stoney Creek falls and general outstanding views.
Such a hard life. I don't know how I cope.

Mareeba, Australia
It is generally agreed in backpacker circles that 3am is a time you stay up until and not a time you get up at. However, when you're a tourist all the rules change, especially when you're going hot air ballooning at dawn in Mareeba which would be a nice leisurely drive if it wasn't on the other side of a hideous, winding road that's enough to make you sea sick. Plus we'd be doing the drive in the dark and there are all kinds of things that like to jump out in front nice, shiny cars at night on Australian roads. So yeah, I stayed over in Mum and Dad's nice air conditioned room in my swag and we dragged ourselves out of our pits at 3 o' clock in the morning and yes, there really is a 3 o' clock in the morning, its not a myth. I crawled into the back of my parents rental car with my pillow and was woken up when we got there. Not only was I now a tourist I'd regressed to the age of 5 again. Maybe later they'd get me a colouring book and some sweeties.
Ohhhh So THAT'S What Dawn Looks Like
There are a few companies that run dawn balloon tours and they all generally launch from the same spot in the morning once they've worked out where the best spot that day would be based on wind speed and direction. Its all very technical. What Raging Thunder, the company we flew with do is stick a birthday candle in a piece of card and light it, put it in a white supermarket bag, attach two helium balloons to it and watch where it goes. I tried to ignore the eco warrior within ranting about littering the Queensland countryside with plastic.
This is one of those Words Don't Do It Justice Moments, apart from the roaring flame that keeps you in the air firing up every so often its so quiet, you get to watch the sun come up from a basket floating above the earth. I thought I'd be scared but I wasn't, I guess if I'm not expected to jump off or out of something then heights are ok with me. After we'd landed the second group jumped in and we followed the balloon in a coach to the second landing spot where we all helped pack it away. Its weird how its easier to get the air out of a massive balloon than it is out of an air mattress, you know how you can never quite fit it back in its box because there's always some pocket of air you missed? Well the balloon was packed away, stuffed into a bag and loaded onto a trailer in no time then it was off for a cooked brekky where I pulled my usual backpacker trick of Eating Until Movement Becomes Painful. Fortunately I only had to spend the rest of the day sat in the back of a car being driven through the Atherton Tablelands from waterfall to waterfall.
Flying High
My love of waterfalls is well documented, since I left Perth and discovered Karijini National Park, The Kimberley and Litchfield I renounced beaches and oceans in favour of fresh water swimming holes and waterfalls. I love them and the Tablelands have an abundance of them. When me and the Chinese girls were camping at Georgetown I'd got chatting to a proud local who'd given me a map and marked the Must See places so we dutifully went to see them.
Elinjaa Falls
Zillie Falls
Milla Milla
Some Random Shitty Falls Somewhere
She'd told me if I do nothing else have a swim in Lake Eachem. The water is the perfect temperature, not too cold but cool enough for a hot day, its perfectly still, motorised water sports are banned and its like swimming in velvet.
Velvet. Yeah right. Crazy lady.
But I like to swim so I got my kit off and jumped in and oh my god, its like swimming in velvet. It really is, the water is so soft, its gorgeous, seriously. There's BBQ facilties there an all, it's be the perfect place to go and spend the day and if you're lucky you'll see turtles. We weren't lucky this time.
Lake Eacham. Like Swimming In Velvet. No, Really.
Lets hope we don't get lucky enough to find a FNQ Funnel Web when we're walking in the Daintree either.
written by  Koala Bear on October 8, 2007 from Mareeba, Australia

Being A Tourist - Day 5 & 6
Tuesday and Wednesday were spent recovering from the trauma of the previous day's early start and getting used to being covered in a fine film of moisture. October is the build up to the Wet, its hot, humid and rainy.
I spent most of the time indulging in the popular Cairns pastime of Lying Very Still Under A Fan.

The Big Captain Cook
A very large Captain James Cook does his best impression of a startled Nazi on the Captain Cook Highway, North Cairns, Queensland.

Undara Volcanic National Park, Australia
Today we were heading west a wee bit, about 250km out of Cairns to the Undara Lava Tubes. I'd done this drive on the way into Cairns, its a harsh one with the roads being about as wide as a road train and yes, its a road train route. It requires masses of concentration for the driver and it can get dull for passengers, especially those that aren't used to travelling long distances over land. 250km isn't a long way for me anymore, I did a 500km round trip in a day once to look at a Big Ram but it really got to Mum I think so we abandoned an idea we'd have to drive 500km to Airlie Beach to look at the Whitsunday Islands.
We stopped at Innot Hot Springs on the way for a cup of tea because we're the typical English types that will drink tea in any weather regardless of the heat. Now here's the thing about Innot Hot Springs. They're hot. Really really hot. Dad put his foot in it and nearly scalded himself, we needn't have bother boiling water for a brew ay.
Having A Dip At Undara
Drinking Beer And Cooking Roo
Once at the Tubes we checked into our accommodation and cooked up some roo on the BBQ before settling in round the fire pit, dousing myself in mozzy spray before I sat down thus making myself flammable. Great. Especially giving my history of setting myself on fire.
written by  Koala Bear on October 11, 2007 from Undara Volcanic National Park, Australia

There's not a lot you can say about the Undara Lava Tubes. They're interesting, I enjoyed the tour but I can't for the life of me think of anything even vaguely entertaining to write here. They were formed by a shield volcano (that's one of the flatter ones that have a constant lava flow as opposed to the steeper once that have sporadic, violent eruptions, fact fans) a long long time ago, before even the Rolling Stones started making music and Cher discovered face lifts. The lava flowed and hardened on the outside but the centre remained molten and flowed right out thus forming the tubes.
So yeah, they're worth a visit I reckon and its a nice place to stay overnight.
By the time we got back to Cairns it was pissing it down, I didn't know whether to have a shower or just stand in the street for 10 minutes. Apart from, like, seven drops of rain in Broome once I hadn't seen anything falling from the sky since Perth. Weird.
Anyway, tonight I was going to have a brief Backpacker Interlude before we headed up to Cape Tribulation the next day. Irma, a Dutch girl I'd met in Alice and who I was slowly becoming overly fond of and a few of her mates rocked up to Cairns so I armed myself with a bag of goon and wandered over to their hostel where I proceeded to get very drunk and stay up past my bedtime so I kidnapped Irma and made her stay awake with me until Mum and Dad came and picked me up. I'm sure it was a lovely drive but I slept all the way through it.
I should imagine it'll be just as lovely on the way back down.

Cape Tribulation, Australia
Cape Tribulation can be easily described in one word. Paradise. Set in the Daintree Rainforest, you emerge from the trees straight onto the beach and it just takes your breath away and the only words you can manage are, "Fuck me, that's pretty!"
But whilst its probably one of the most amazing places on Earth don't bother visiting if you're scared of salties, jellyfish, killer spiders or large, flightless birds with claws that can rip your guts out or you'll probably spend the entire time curled up in the corner of your room weeping gently. It is advisable whilst visiting Cape Tribulation to carry a big stick.
Rainforest Meets Reef
You also have to get used to being permanently damp, its either so humid that merely breathing makes you sweat like a blind lesbian in a fish shop or its pissing down with the kind of rain that Manchester would be proud of. But still, I love it here.
Saturday however was a write off. We ate some food, I topped up my alcohol levels and promptly caught up on some sleep.
written by  Koala Bear on October 13, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia

Cape Tribulation, Australia
One of the least sensible things you can do is look up a good mate who you haven't seen for months the night before you're due to go out on a boat but that's what I did. I'd heard Raz was working at PK's Jungle Village so I found him and told him I'd be back a bit later for a few drinks then me, Mum and Dad headed off to do some more horse riding.
Ok, so yeah, horse riding is fun and I wasn't quite as worried as I was last time until they said the C word. No, not that one, the other one. Canter. As in faster than a trot. As in, hold on, close your eyes and hope for the best.
Horse Riding On Cape Trib Beach
Mum, Dad And Me On Cape Trib Beach
Ohhh-kayyyy then, and here's me with expired medical insurance. Everyone else looked every inch the professional as I bounced around the saddle sustaining extensive bruising to my posterior and indeed my dignity although we're getting to be quite the experts now. Maybe tomorrow I'd buy a 10 gallon hat and go Lasso me some bulls.
And here's where I made the mistake of going back to PK's, as soon as I rocked up I was handed a jug of snake bite. For those of you who don't know, snake bite is half cider half lager usually with a dash of red cordial. Some pubs in Britain refuse to serve it because it gets you very drunk very quickly and can make some people violent. So that was a good idea then.
Raz
But it was a wicked night, it was awesome to see Raz, one of my favourite people in the world and I randomly bumped into Irma and Dorien again because they were up for a night to check out Cape Trib. I was picked up at midnight which in theory would have given me plenty of sleep to recover if I hadn't pumped my body full of some of the worst alcohol known to man including something called a Flaming Looney which is a shot that you set on fire. I'm sorry but drunk people plus fire can only lead to third degree burns. I was lucky I made it back to Cape Trib Beach House in one piece.
written by  Koala Bear on October 14, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia

Cape Tribulation, Australia
Poorly Sick
Oh my god I hurt in the way only goon makes you hurt which wasn't going to help the fact I get ill at sea anyway. It was the kind of hurt that only copious amounts of tea, bacon, eggs and lying on the floor moaning can fix but no, I had to get on Odyssey H2O which would take us out to the Great Barrier Reef for a day of snorkeling and an intro scuba dive. During the 45 minute ride out to the Mackay Reef I emptied the sparse contents of my stomach into the ocean along with several other people. It was a little bit choppy which made things worse so I took up residence at the back of the boat where I alternated between retching over the side and lying in the corner feeling very sorry for myself. Once we'd moored at the reef it didn't go away, the only relief was getting in the water for a snorkel which was pretty fucking awesome, not a bad way to relieve nausea.
Dad Going For His Try Dive
In The Water
The reef is awesome beyond words, its just a shame they didn't let me do an intro dive because I was so ill. Something about being dehydrated and losing too many nutrients or something, I wouldn't mind but I probably didn't have any nutrients to begin with, I've been functioning perfectly well without nutrients for the last 17 months thank you very much. Ah well, I'd go out again when I hadn't consumed the majority of the contents of a goon bag.
Heading Back To Land. Sweet Joy Of Joys.
By the time we got back to the mainland I just wanted the world to stop moving, I fully understood the concept of falling to your knees and gathering handfuls of sand and kissing it, overjoyed at finally reaching shore. I resisted in favour of going home for a nice sleep.
Fuck I must be getting old.
written by  Koala Bear on October 15, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia

Tuesday was a designated rest day. A day to chill out, maybe sit on the beach, just generally relax.
The Unsinkable River Train. Sounds Like A Challenge
Relax? What is this Relax of which you speak? Instead, we drove down to the Daintree River for a cruise on the River Train which is the only one of its kind in the world. There are no life jackets on board because they don't need them, every one of the carriages is a life boat and the River Train has been certified unsinkable. Just like the Titanic. Although the River Train has the advantage of a distinct lack of icebergs in the Daintree River and to be honest, a life jacket in a croc infested river isn't really gonna do you the world of good now is it.
It's a nice enough cruise, we only saw one tiny croc on a log but it was cool. Once we were back on land we drove up to the Daintree Discovery Centre, it was a random stop because we thought they might have tea. They did. And cake. And all kinds of exciting stuff for you to look at such as rainforest and things to do such as an aerial rainforest walk. Who'd have thunk it, right here in the rainforest.
Daintree Aeriel Walk
At The Top Of The Rainforest
Walkway Through The Trees
The Daintree. Some Of It Anyway.
Obviously we still weren't over trees so we had a wander round the walkway to the top which is a measly 23 metres. I think Valley Of The Giants is 40 metres and Otways Skywalk is about 47 metres but these places don't have all kinds of plants with needles and barbs that want to stick in you and cause you pain such as the Wait-A-While, so called because if it catches your clothes or flesh you just have to wait a while for someone to come and rescue you. For once I wasn't the spikiest thing in the area and I was becoming less worried about the elusive FNQ Funnel Web and more worried about being attacked by foliage.
For Once I'm Not The Spikest Thing In The Area
Strangler Fig
We didn't see any cassowaries here though, the rare, endangered and horribly vicious bird which inhabits the Daintree but we'd seen one a few days previous right outside our cabin at Cape Trib Beach House. Here's me demonstrating the correct way to act when confronted by one of these dangerous birds.
Bring It, Bitch
You're meant to make yourself as big as possible and back away slowly whilst bystanders take your photo and mock you. The warning posters tell you to never take your eyes off the bird and if it begins to get aggressive to hold something out in front of you such as a bag or a jumper.
A jumper. In the fucking rainforest.
Although to be honest if I was confronted by one of these things I'd probably just run screaming like the bitch that I am, never mind that it'd outrun me and tear me from limb to limb. Its like telling you to stand very very still and not move whilst an Inland Taipan slithers over your feet, clearly you'd kick it and run.
And that is reason number 26 why I should never try and go feral in the bush.
Chill Out, Not Flat Out

Mossman, Australia
Today was our last day in Cape Tribulation, we headed out on a 4WD tour to Bloomfield Falls at an Aboriginal settlement where a lass called Kathleen Walker took us on a bush walk and told us all kinds of things about bush tucker, bush medicine and her culture. In all the months I've been in Australia, all the time I spent in the north and centre, I've never heard about Aboriginal culture from an actual Aborigine. Its always been from white fella, someone like Glen who took us on our Kimberley tour. Its actually well interesting, I mean, I always thought it was but I've been mostly exposed to the other side of it, the aftermath of having a so called civilised race sweep into your country, take your land, kidnap or murder your kin and introduce disease, poor quality food, drugs and grog into your communities. I've only really seen the fucked up people wandering the streets trying to blag smokes, money and booze off you and I've only seen the communities that are strewn with empty butane cans, cars on bricks and dog shit. She told us about how they're losing their own language, how her own grand kids can't speak their own tongue, only English and how when they're sat round the fire telling stories the kids ask them to speak English so they can understand instead of learning the Aboriginal language they should have grown up with.
Ok, I just read that back. I shouldn't be allowed to drink goon while I write. But what I'm trying to say is that its a culture that really shouldn't be allowed to die.
In the afternoon, me and Dad went Jungle Surfing. Most activities in the rainforest seem to involve looking at the tops of trees, its possibly best to avoid Cape Tribulation if you have issues with heights. I seem to be getting better, when I first started putting myself in high places I was terrified, when me and Kliff did the Otways Skywalk my hands never left the railings and the joints in my fingers hurt for ages but I'm getting used to it now.
Jungle Jane And Spongebob Squarepants
Left Hanging
Dad On His Way Down The Line
Stunning Views
Which is good because Jungle Surfing is basically being attached to a zip line and being hurled through the trees about 19 metres above the ground. The first line is slow. Then they send you fast. Then the bastards turn you upside down and take photos.
Shit its fun though.
Then it was back over the river to Mossman where we stayed the night so we could head to Mossman Gorge the next day before the buses showed up.
written by  Koala Bear on October 17, 2007 from Mossman, Australia

Being A Tourist - Just Chillin'
The rest of the week was just spent doing different things here and there including Hartley's Crocodile Farm because I'll never get bored of croc shows. The law of averages states, the more I go and see the more chance that someone will end up with one less limb than they came with. Not that I want to see anyone get torn to pieces, I just think it'd make a different and fun photo to put on Flickr
Mossman Gorge
Grrr An Stuff
We also checked out the Cairns Night Zoo where for $89 each you get beer, a BBQ and a night tour of the zoo followed by kangaroo feeding, singing and dancing. You only get about an hour for the food and beer, fortunately we're English and thus trained in the art of drinking as much as possible in a short space of time.
On one of the days me and Dad went fishing for barramundi at a lake that was very well stocked. I caught a couple but threw them back, Dad caught one and we killed it for our dinner. I say we killed it, I had to kill it because Dad wanted to throw it back so I cut its throat before he did anything of the sort. I wish I'd caught more though, I know they're only meant to have 3 second memories but I'm sure they got wise to the fact I was putting hooks in their food.
Dad With Dinner
Lurrrve The Cane Toad; Cairns Night Zoo
Anyway, Mum and Dad left early on the 25th and flew home to freezing temperatures and rain. Ok, so maybe it rains alot in Far North Queensland but hey, I was heading south to Brisbane and a nice, long drought.
It was wicked to see them again an all. Its hard being on the other side of the world sometimes but at least there's always Qantas.
The 'Rents
PS: Actually Dad, you do look a little bit like Tony Blair in this photo... Hahaha!

Obligatory East Coast Adventure: Day 1
To Brisbane: 20/11/07
It is compulsory whilst backpacking Australia to Do The East Coast or they'll revoke your backpacker card and you won't be able to bulk buy goon and noodles. Everyone does this coast, a lot of people only do this coast which is a damn shame because Western Australia is the best place in the world. I have to admit, I wasn't overly enthusiastic about it, I wanted to do it though because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't and anyway, I needed to get to a city where I could get work so I might as well do it in style so I duly borrowed £2000 (yep, that's pounds not dollars, Exchange Rate fans) off Mum and Dad. On account of the fact I'd rather chew my own fingers off than advertise for travel companions again and I hadn't met anyone who was leaving at the same time as me, I headed back up to Cape Tribulation all on my lonesome.
Today I was back out on the reef without several litres of goon sloshing around my veins and after a proper nights sleep. Odyssey H2O wasn't going out so I ended up on Rum Runner IX which is a bit slower and looks better although I couldn't help wondering what happened to the other eight. The conditions were loads calmer and the weather was awesome as well which helped, as did dosing myself up on seasick pills so I managed to spend the entire trip vertical as opposed to horizontal or bent over the side. Yay me.
Rum Runner IX
It was an incredible day. For a start it was only me doing an intro dive so it was just me and the instructor floating around the reef looking at pretty things, the first time we were down for nearly an hour. The Mackay Reef itself is indescribable, after lunch we moved a bit so we could snorkel something called The Wall which is literally an 18 metre wall of coral and because visibility was about 25 metres that day we saw everything.
Yes Actually, That IS The Great Barrier Reef
When I went back down for a second intro dive, Fabien grabbed my arm and pulled me down to a cave where he'd found a sleeping reef shark then proceeded to wake it up. Now normally I'd be against waking something up with that many pointy teeth, I know how evil I can be when I'm woken up but I was still in tourist mode which meant all common sense had been left in my backpack at PK's Jungle Village so we duly pissed it off further by following it around the reef and staring at it while it tried to get back to sleep in another cave.
Shark!
Its no bloody wonder sharks bite people sometimes.

I think this big thing in Cairns, Queensland is a swordfish.
The Big Swordfish Or Something
Whatever it is, life can't be easy when your face is classed as an offensive weapon.

Obligatory East Coast Adventure: Day 2
Mission Beach, Australia
I spent a couple of nights up in Cape Trib at PK's because they let you work for 4 hours a day and in return you get three meals a day that don't come out of a packet with "Noodles" written on it and a bed for the night. I could easily stay there for a long long time if it wasn't so fucking humid, I just can't get used to being damp all the time, I need to see a point in showering and as scummy as I can be sometimes not even I consider mouldy clothes to be an acceptable fashion statement so I headed back south, spent a night in Port Douglas to visit my mate Curly (who I know from the MCG in Broome) then drove to Mission Beach which is apparently the place in Australia to throw yourself out of a perfectly good plane with a man strapped to your back.
WHOOOOOOOOO.....
I checked into Scotty's backpackers and idly picked up a skydiving leaflet. Reception were on me instantly telling me all about prices, heights, discounts and roughly 20 seconds later I was stood there, credit card in hand, booked onto a 14000ft jump at 4:30pm. It was now 12:30pm. I went to my room to spend the ensuing 4 hours panicking and wondering if I should call my family to let them know my mortal remains would be available for viewing at various locations around Mission Beach.
Everyone staying at Scotty's has either thrown themselves out of a plane or is about to, there's always someone watching their jump DVD on the TVs and I didn't meet a single person who didn't love it which calmed me down so by the time I was on the plane I was loving it. I thought I'd shit myself when they sat me on the edge but I didn't and its not like you have any choice in the matter, you have a man attached to you who's intent on jumping out of that plane and you're going with him.
That split second when you go over the edge and see the ground coming towards you is unsurpassed by anything you will ever experience. I don't think I'm able to put it into words but I'll try.
clears throat*
Oh fuck it, I've never had a brilliant grasp of the English language, I'm from Stockport for fucks sake.
Since when you get to Mission Beach you watch a million skydive videos you're very aware of the camera during your 60 second free fall, terminal velocity doesn't make an attractive girl what with bingo wings that you could take a small country out with. You'll notice the grimace like grin in the fourth thumbnail above, designed to tighten the flesh on your face thus ensuring you don't knock the guy out in charge of pulling the parachute cord and thus keeping you intact with your flappy jowls.
Mission Beach is an amazing drop zone, on one side you have the rainforest and on the other you have the ocean. After the cord had been pulled and the parachute was open (and watching the DVD back, I'm glad I didn't realise how long it took for the 'chute to spread out and slow us down!) John, the only man to ever strap me up, said, "So, this is the view from my office window." And what a fucking beautiful view. My habit of putting myself in high places because I think it might be pretty at the top is well documented but this tops everything I've ever seen in Australia, I was the second person out of the plane and the last to land on the beach, I had an amazing float down to the ground, just taking in the views and enjoying being obscenely high up without a large metal tube with wings. If I had money this could get addictive.
That night I chilled at the hostel with a couple of girls from Wigan, Alison and Nat. They weren't in Oz for long, just a 3 week holiday doing the East Coast. I introduced them to the joy that is goon thus relieving Nat of unnecessary braincells and some stomach lining.
Alison And Nat And A Shiny Bag Of Joy
written by  Koala Bear on October 30, 2007 from Mission Beach, Australia

Obligatory East Coast Adventure: Day 3
Mission Beach, Australia
An essential part of recovering from a goon hangover is lying on the floor and groaning, this is helped if you actually have someone to groan at so it was a good job Irma rocked up to join me on the Obligatory East Coast Adventure. We spent the day doing the only other thing you can do in Mission Beach apart from skydive; Go to the beach and watch skydivers.
Hangover Cure
Watching Skydivers
I vowed for the 436th time to never drink again.
written by  Koala Bear on October 31, 2007 from Mission Beach, Australia

Mission Beach, Australia
The Big Cassowary
The Big Cassowary, Mission Beach, Queensland. These things are actually scarier when they're only 6' tall and looking at you funny.
written by  Koala Bear on October 31, 2007 from Mission Beach, Australia

Tully, Australia
The Golden Gumboot (that's welly to those reading in Blighty, the world's expert on waterproofs), Tully, Queensland.
The Golden Gumboot
"The height of the gumboot represents the amount of rainfall recorded in Tully in 1950 - 7.9 metres. An Australian Record."
Well you gotta have something to be proud of ay.
written by  Koala Bear on November 1, 2007 from Tully, Australia

Townsville, Australia
So today was mine and Irma's first day on the road together, up until now we'd only hung out at Toddy's in Alice or our respective hostels in Cairns. Apart from that brief period I travelled with Emma I hadn't travelled with someone who was a bit more than a mate before. So this could be interesting.
Especially as neither of us can read maps.
Some Random Falls
My New (Albeit Temporary) Woman Thing
We headed to Townsville via some pretty waterfalls, one of them being Wallaman Falls, the longest single drop waterfall in the Southern Hemisphere. Well you'd think they'd put it a bit bloody closer then wouldn't you instead of at the top of a big winding road up a mountain, they don't half like to make you work for your pretty things in Australia. Its the kind of distance where you expect someone to have put the kettle on and set up a camp bed for you for the night but not this time, we did the obligatory ooh ahh thing and drove back down.
Wallaman Falls: Really Fucking Long
And then it was onto our destination for the night. We rocked up just before 5pm and began the tedious task of trying to find somewhere to live. We pulled over and I called Globetrotters Backpackers to see if they had beds. They did and the following conversation ensued:
Bloke: Ok so when will you be here?
Me: Well we're in Townsville now so it's just a case of finding Palmer Street.
Bloke:Where are you now?
Me: On Walker Street. I'm... erm...
looks around and sees this:*
Imaginary Water Tank
Me: I'm looking at a big water tank thing on a hill with a big green frog on it.
Pause.
Bloke: Have you taken something??
Ahh, first impressions. I ended up taking that photo to prove to the bloke that I wasn't clinically insane, at least not on a discernible level. You should have seen his face when he first saw me and I tried to explain that there was a big green frog as well as some Nemo fish and a blue butterfly. He asked me if there were any little green spacemen as well.
Funny cunt.
written by  Koala Bear on November 1, 2007 from Townsville, Australia

Townsville, Australia
Townsville At Night...
...Aaaand In The Day
Ok so Townsville. Its very nice but at the end of the day there's fuck all to do but gaze wistfully over at Magentic Island then proceed to book a trip there. It's also a Proper Town, more so than Cairns. Cairns is still very touristy, you can get away with lounging around the lagoon in the middle of town in your swimwear and you can still wander the streets in bare feet and a silly hat clutching your souvenir boomerang and toy koala. Townsville makes you want to buy hair gel and do laundry.
You WILL Have Your Photo Taken
Random Waterfally Thing In Townsville
written by  Koala Bear on November 2, 2007 from Townsville, Australia

Magnetic Island, Australia
At the time we were here, X Base were doing a deal where you give them $79 and it'll get you a return ferry to Magnetic Island plus 2 nights in the hostel, one cooked breakfast and an hours kayaking. I've never been a fan of Base hostels, they're all quite big and impersonal but this one kind of redeems itself, its slap bang on the beach and... erm... that's it really. You still can't take your own grog because they have a bar but hey, have a look at why you wouldn't care for a couple of nights.
X Base As Seen From The Ocean
The View from Our Dorm Room
Pretty isn't it? After we'd attempted to go sea kayaking, given up and just drifted for a bit we spent the first day just chilling and deciding what to do the next day and we had our first Battle; Lesbian Beach Wrestling. Yeah I won, I kicked her Dutch arse into the sand. Hell yeah.
Drifting
Irma Does Kayaking. Tries To, Anyway.
does a little dance*
And I'll continue to remind her of this victory every time she wins me in a fight ever.
written by  Koala Bear on November 3, 2007 from Magnetic Island, Australia

Magnetic Island, Australia
Yeah I Got A Moke
There are a few ways to get around Magnetic Island. You can (shudders) bus it, you can rent a scooter and spend the day looking like a big puff or you can rent a Moke and spend the day being laughed at because you're used to driving an automatic now and not only do you have to remember to change gear because the car won't do it for you, 3rd gear keeps evading you. Mokes are so uncool they're fucking cool. I'd never heard of them until Alice Springs when Wendy who runs Toddy's went on a Moke convoy to Uluru and ever since then I'd wanted a go in one. They're really cheap to rent an all, we picked one up from Magnetic Moke for about $69 for 24 hours including 60 free kilometres which is enough to get you around. It's Magnetic Island for fucks sake, you can stand on one side and spit to the other. Don't, though. That'd be disgusting.
We'd already decided that we wanted to rent jetskis which is something you can do up at Horseshoe Bay which, from what I can gather, passes as the bustling hub of the island. They're not overly cheap to rent but you rent the jetski, its not per person and you can put two people on one. But then you wouldn't be able to race and where's the fun in that?
Jet Skiiiiiii!
We opted for one each for half an hour and proceeded to tear up the ocean and you know what? You really can't tip them. I know, I tried. You can get up to 50mph on them (I think that's about 80kph?) but you're not allowed to get too close to each other. Me and Irma raced anyway and maybe she won most races, y'know, it's hard to tell an stuff what with us being so far away from each other and not really knowing where the finish line was and stuff and anyway I kicked her arse on the beach ok? Yeah. Ha.
On A Mokey Mission
Irma About To Get Her Arse Kicked By Me
After the jetskiing we bumped into some people we'd met at Mission Beach and went on one of the island's koala spotting walks. I was very nearly over koalas but I'd not seen them in the wild yet so we parked the Moke next to a million others at Forts Walk and wandered up to check out the furry little critters. We spotted loads of them, some of them even moved thus proving that koalas are real and not some great Australian hoax designed to lure tourists into the country.
Cute, Cuddly And Very Fucking Lazy
Not A Myth After All
Posing With The Koalas
View From The Top Of Forts Walk
It was around this time I remembered I'd left two gas bottles in my car in direct sunlight for three days. Nothing ends a holiday like thinking you might have blown your car up.
written by  Koala Bear on November 4, 2007 from Magnetic Island, Australia

Ayr, Australia
Me and Irma At The Big Snake
The Big Snake
Crikey mate, you wouldn't wanna get tagged by this little beauty in Ayr, Queensland.
written by  Koala Bear on November 5, 2007 from Ayr, Australia

Bowen, Australia
Behold the Big Mango, Bowen, Queensland!
The Big Mango
Honestly now, come on. I like Big Things as much as the next guy but seriously, you're taking the piss now.
written by  Koala Bear on November 5, 2007 from Bowen, Australia

Airlie Beach, Austria
Having thankfully returned to an intact vehicle as opposed to a smouldering patch of concrete we left Townsville and headed south, our next destination being Airlie Beach which is big and shiny and expensive. Its totally buzzing if you have the cash to drink but we didn't. We met up with a mate of mine, Brendan who I know from Alice to Adelaide and also Broome and had a few drinks with him then just spent the next day chilling and deciding which Whitsundays tour to book.
Power Napping
It's A Hard Life, Being A Passenger
written by  Koala Bear on November 5, 2007 from Airlie Beach, Austria

Whitsunday Island, Austria
About a million (figure may be slightly exaggerated for effect) boats leave for the Whitsundays every day ranging from one day tours to three day Sleep On The Boat Party Adventures which makes choosing one not quite as easy as you'd hope. After sifting through an entire rainforest worth of brightly coloured, shiny leaflets we decided on a day tour because Irma doesn't deal well with large bodies of water and it absolutely was not a party boat because me plus alcohol multiplied by ocean equals feeding the fish in the grossest possible way. We settled for Whitsunday Xpress on account of the promise of a BBQ and a cheese platter.
After a cruise out to the islands, the first stop was a bush walk on Whitsunday Island itself, the largest of the islands, up to a lookout for Hill Inlet to look at the pretty patterns the tide makes in the sand.
Bush walk. They make it sound so feral. Its not. If somebody suggests a bush walk in the Northern Territory or Western Australia you'd want to pack a bag, take plenty of water, don the sturdy boots and notify the local authorities of your estimated day of arrival. On the east coast a pair of flip flops will suffice as you make your way up the well used track, camera in one hand and make up bag in the other to ensure you look pretty for the photos. Although the destination in this case is worth a three day hike into the wilderness, its fucking beautiful, apparently the patterns are different every time the tide changes and if you look down to the left from the lookout platform you can make out about a hundred stingrays, a veritable Steve Irwin nightmare. Its awesome.
Hill Inlet
More Hill Inlet
Even More Of The Same
Bored Yet?
After we'd all oohed and ahhed and been herded round the platform like the tourists we were it was back to the boat and around the corner to Whitehaven Beach where we'd be having lunch. After we'd moored with the plethora of other tour boats, we were given the option to swim to shore from the boat this time instead of going over in the dingy, it wasn't too far.
Smurf
Ahh, swimming in the tropics during stinger season, if you yearn for the days when it was acceptable to wear lycra, when cycling shorts were worn by everyone whether they owned a bicycle or not, when you wouldn't be openly mocked for walking down the street wearing clothes that look like they were painted on whilst you admired your wet perm in car windows, you'd love it. The only safe way to get in the water is to wear a stinger suit, an all over lycra body suit that includes a hood, mittens and straps that go under your feet reminiscent of the days of ski pants. Its a retro wet dream.
Whitehaven Beach, Whitsunday Island
Whitehaven Beach is gorgeous with its soft, white sands and crystal, blue water, the only other time I've seen a beach so postcard perfect was at Lucky Bay in the Cape Le Grand National Park near Esperance and there's no stingers there. Just hypothermia and frost bite. Don't ever expect to get Whitehaven to yourself though, it's just never going to happen.
So we had the promised BBQ on the beach and stuffed our faces with meat products before jumping back on the boat (in the dingy this time) and headed to Mantaray Bay for some snorkelling around the coral there. I was back in my lycra and into the ocean and by the time I got back to the boat Irma had already got in, snorkelled, got out and dried thus depriving me of any chance of pointing and laughing at her in a full stinger suit. Damnit. That was going to be the highlight of my trip an all.
BBQ With A Monitor Lizard
The Promised Cheese Platter
We reckoned a day trip was enough for the Whitsundays, we saw everything we wanted to and had an awesome day. If you're not on a tight budget like we were then maybe a two night effort would be a laugh but for the lower price a day trip was perfect for us.
written by  Koala Bear on November 7, 2007 from Whitsunday Island, Austria

Mackay, Australia
We drove down to Mackay and stopped off at the visitor centre to get information off a jolly old bloke who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near members of the general public. After he'd finished staring at my tits and making us cringe with his sexual innuendos followed by the line, "You couldn't say that sort of thing in my day!" we beat a hasty retreat clutching stacks of brochures to leave all over the floor of my car. There was a National Park nearby we wanted to see but the weather was a bit nasty so we decided to stay the night in Mackay and see how it was the next day.
Staple Road Trip Breakfast
There are two hostels that we know of here, the one that looked like fun was full and the other one which only had one bed left anyway banned alcohol, parties and television after midnight. As if spending the night in Mackay wasn't bad enough! By this time we were both feeling pretty crap after a week of bad diet, my gums had started bleeding a bit as well so I decided I probably had scurvy and we both felt generally run down. We decided to camp for the night and use the money we saved to buy Proper Food. We ended up at the bowling club up the road from the site which did $10 meals, I think we were the only people in the place that didn't have to take their teeth out to clean them.
Anyway, the general consensus on this one was that Mackay sucks balls. Geriatric ones at that.
written by  Koala Bear on November 8, 2007 from Mackay, Australia

Rockhampton, Australia
Stiiiiill pissing it down so we gave the National Park a miss this time because trees and soil are only fun in the sunshine and carried on towards Rockhampton and the Olsen Capricorn Caves so called because a bloke called Olsen discovered them and they're right near the Tropic Of Capricorn. Just in case you hadn't guessed. We both like caves so we rocked up, paid our cash and waited for the 1 hour tour.
These caves are above ground, you can go on all kinds of exciting tours including ones for the more experienced caver which involve squeezing yourself through holes that were clearly not designed for humans to fit through. These kind of tours aren't for us, we preferred to use the big hole conveniently placed at The Entrance which was still a pretty precarious effort, it's times like these I really wish I'd renewed my medical insurance.
From The Tropical...
...To The Temperate
Anyway, after the general oohing and ahhing that accompanies looking at pretty things we carried onto Rocky itself, the beef capital of Australia as the various statues of cattle not to mention the over sized and slightly terrifying bovine that welcomes you to the town keep reminding you. We checked into the YHA Backpackers and decided to spend a couple of nights here just doing nothing. Nothing at all. Not a thing. Nada. We spent the next day chilling out in the lounge, watching DVDs and generally being drooling couch potatoes because sometimes its just nice to stare blankly at a screen of moving pictures with an overly dramatic soundtrack.
written by  Koala Bear on November 9, 2007 from Rockhampton, Australia

Rockhampton, Australia
Rockhampton in Queensland, the beef capital of Australia.
The Big Bull
In case you weren't aware of this fact when you rocked up and were welcomed by this over sized steak.
written by  Koala Bear on November 12, 2007 from Rockhampton, Australia

Obligatory East Coast Adventure: Day 12 & 13
Seventeen Seventy, Australia
Beef consumption in Rockhampton is compulsory so we munched on a steak at the Great Western before driving down to the much raved about Town Of 1770 and Agnes Waters. We arrived on Sunday and spent the entire Monday trying to work out what people love so much about this place, we drove around, we went to the beach, we checked into the right backpackers (Cool Bananas) and consumed alcohol. Maybe you just need money to enjoy a place like this but the thing is, as pretty as each of these little East Coast towns are, each one is just more of the same. Once you've seen one you've seen them all.
Nom Nom Nom
Nom House
Then I heard people talking about the Scooter Roo tours, they put you on a Twist And Go chopper and take you around town. Irma doesn't have a drivers license, rumour had it they never check but she didn't want to risk it. It took Tooheys Extra Dry and letting her win at Yammit (a little known, very simple and highly addictive card game with absolutely no skill involved that I learnt in Echuca) to convince her to stay another night.
Yeah Whatever, No One Likes A Smug Cunt
written by  Koala Bear on November 12, 2007 from Seventeen Seventy, Australia

Seventeen Seventy, Australia
Ok so the ScooterRoo tour didn't start until the afternoon so I duly dragged myself out of bed for the morning $14 group surf lesson, again without Irma because drowning isn't her idea of fun. As you travel from north to south, Agnes Waters is the first place with anything resembling surf, its out of the Tropics as well so despite the stinger warning signs there really isn't anything in the water dangerous enough to worry about. That was until I got in brandishing a large piece of fibreglass anyway, I can't say I conducted myself with grace and style as I flapped about in the water atop my board trying to get on a wave.
And yep, that's me on a wave in that last thumbnail there. On a wave. Not on the sand. Nope. Not at all.
It's about a 3 hour lesson and there's quite a large group of you. They put you in pairs, give you a board between you and take you down to the beach where they line you up in the sand and proceed to talk at you. And talk and talk and talk. I'm sure what he was saying was integral to the next 2 hours of my life but it's hard to concentrate while you're sat, slowly baking in the heat, piling sand up in front of you in different shapes in an effort to alleviate the boredom which was reminiscent of double physics lessons. Then no sooner had you stopped thinking about surfing and started thinking about a pint you were up and into the water for your first 15 minutes. It would be you then your partner then you and so on until the 2 hours was up.
One Day I MIGHT Make A Surfer... Maybe
15 minutes a time is plenty, its exhausting work dragging yourself and the board out, paddling like a crazy lady and trying to get on a wave. While you're in the water you find yourself wondering at what point they made 15 minutes longer than it was yesterday. Its loads of fun though but I'm not a surfer, I spent most of the time with my arse in the air and my face in the sand, it's gonna take weeks to get the salt out of my sinuses and what was left of my dignity is probably washed up on some deserted beach in Brazil by now. Well I wasn't like I was using it anyway.
Loadsa Bikes
No sooner had I gotten home and scraped the sand out of places sand has no right being it was into the ScooterRoo troopy to be taken to the array of bikes they foolishly lend to backpackers and tourists so we could see what 1770 was all about. They were right about the licences, they didn't check. In fact the boss wandered in and asked if anyone had ever ridden a geared bike, not Does Anyone Have a Geared Bike Licence, merely had they ever ridden one. I've got a full motorcycle licence (which, again, they didn't check) so I put my hand up for a 250cc instead of a hairdryer with flames painted up the side and we set off into the countryside to look at some kangaroos and trees and grass and stuff.
SCOOTER ROO!!
It's a lovely ride though and it was awesome to get back on a proper bike after 18 months and one thing I've never done on a motorcycle before is ridden along a sea front as the sun was about to set. It was beautiful. We stopped at the pub to get some potato wedges and settled down on some rocks to watch the sun go down over the Town Of 1770 whilst fending off seagulls who had no concept of backpackers and their attachment to their food. You're out on the road for a good while, it's definitely worth the money and the guy who leads the convoy is a top bloke.
On Convoy
Sunset Over 1770
So I just want to thank Irma for indulging me on this one, she really didn't want to stay another night but she did so I could go and play in the sea and on the bikes, it was a brilliant day despite still having a small portion of the ocean sloshing about in my cranium and possibly half of Agnes Waters beach in my crack.
written by  Koala Bear on November 13, 2007 from Seventeen Seventy, Australia

Bundaberg, Australia
And so it was down a bit more to get to Bundaberg, a popular town with backpackers on account of the fact its on the East Coast, has plenty of seasonal work which counts towards your second visa and is the home of Bundaberg Rum, or Bundy as it's affectionately known by drunk people who can't manage too many syllables. You don't go to Bundaberg without going on the Rum Distillery Tour which you can book at the Visitor Centre, we opted for the Silver tour which gets you an hours guided walk around the distillery from sugar to bottling and a free drink at the end. It's interesting and worth a look, even if its just to say you've done it and so you can buy Bundy Rum from the place itself. And yes, I had the lower alcohol Socially Responsible option at the end on account of having to navigate the Falcon back through the town so we could find accommodation for the night. We treated ourselves to a cube of rum and cola cans though, I didn't have to drive all night.
Behind The Bundy Bar
If Bundaberg is popular with backpackers, why are the backpacker hostels here so evil?? Most of them will find you work as the racks of dirty boots outside the door indicated but every single one we looked at had a strict No Alcohol policy. What the hell kind of sadist sends you out to work in the fields all day then doesn't let you kick back with a mug of goon in the evening? Some of them even had signs up such as "Don't Go To Work, Lose Your Job. Lose Your Job, Lose Your Bed." They all had notice boards full of rules and curfew notices. I had images of gruel for breakfast and barefooted youths singing in ear shatteringly high voices about food, glorious food.
The Old Cop Shop
Then there's Cellblock. Whereas the other hostels are like being in prison, Cellblock is a prison, or it was anyway until they converted it. It's expensive but it seems much less miserable and there's a bar which means you still can't bring your own grog but at least you can drink. They still have the walls lined with rules, threats of eviction for not showing up for work and there were at least 5 different notices in the kitchen about washing up including full instructions reminding you to scrape excess food off the plate, wash the dishes in hot water with soap, rinse them, dry them and put them away followed by a patronising "Well Done" and a smiley face. We decided to camp again tonight. Apart from not being in the mood to be treated like 4 year olds we had a cube of rum with our names on it and it'd be rude not to relieve it of a few cans at least.
Nomming Pizza
Rum, Pizza, Lesbian And A One Man Tent
Even camping here is miserable, we got pissed on by the weather and sandflies, it ended up being the two of us huddled together in my one man tent for the night hacking at the urine stains left on our flesh by the sandflies. Evil little fuckers they are, I mean, if you wanna bite me then yeah, it's annoying but at least theres a point, everything needs food. But don't piss on me you filthy buggers! Rah!
Rant over.
Aaaanyway, now I've gotten that off my chest, lets move on to happier things such as turtles and beaches and stuff.
written by  Koala Bear on November 14, 2007 from Bundaberg, Australia

Bundaberg, Australia
The Big Bundy Bottle
Found outside the Bundaberg rum distillery, Queensland.
I'll have this one and a straw, please mate.
written by  Koala Bear on November 14, 2007 from Bundaberg, Australia

Bundaberg, Australia
As well as rum and the worst backpacker accommodation ever, Bundaberg is also home to Mon Repos which is where Loggerhead Turtles come to nest when in season. It just so happened to be right at the start of the season so we booked ourselves some tickets at the Visitor Info centre and rocked up to look at a big turtle squeezing some eggs out of its minge. The things we pay to see. We were told to get down there before 7pm so we did and got savaged my mozzies, I swear everything in Bundaberg is out to get me. It was also bloody freezing and they told us that we might we here for hours before a turtle rocked up, that's even if we saw one, the welts left by the bloodsuckers and the potential hypothermia could all be in vain.
I think we were there for 10 minutes before they rushed in, a turtle had started crawling up the beach early tonight, we were herded to where she was and were grouped behind her. She couldn't hear us, our frequency is different to theirs and she couldn't see us so she began digging her little hole for her eggs, completely oblivious to the hoard of people stood gaping at her arse. Once she started laying that was it, she was committed. We were allowed to move around as the team measured her, checked for tags and wrote down stats then we were given a short window where we could take photos, not too many though, as the guy pointed out, one photo of a nesting turtle is pretty much the same as another.
And to be honest that would have been fine for us. We were cold and itchy and just wanted to head back and buy fish and chips from the van out the front but they wouldn't let us despite a subtle attempt to slink off into the dark, we were stuck here until she'd finished laying and gone back to the water. That's the last time I pay for nature, I'll stick to David Attenbrough shows from now on, at least you can watch stuff breed from the comfort of a warm room with a pizza and a drink.
Ok, obviously Bundaberg didn't set my world on fire, mainly because of the weather and accommodation I think but its definitely worth a look. The rum tour is cool and the turtle thing really is interesting, don't miss out on it just because I'm a miserable, cynical bitch without insect repellent.
written by  Koala Bear on November 15, 2007 from Bundaberg, Australia

Fraser Island, Australia
I'd like to start this post with a small interactive exercise. Reach into the top drawer and remove your List Of Things Not To Bother With Ever Even If You Have All The Time In The World, Are Acually Dying Of Boredom And If You Don't Find Something To Do Soon You'll Be Reaching For The Razor Blades. Now, take a pen and write the following in large, capital letters at the top of the list: "Mystery Craters near Bundaberg."
They're some holes in the ground in someones garden and for $6 they let you walk around and marvel at the... well... mystery of the craters. Apparently no one knows how they were formed, probably due to lack of interest and the highlight of the event is the completely random fibre glass model of a cartoon T-Rex. But just in case you're one of these people that simply has to do something they've been advised not to just in case they're missing out on something, here's a photo of it to make sure you don't go squandering good drinking money on something you could recreate with play-doh in your own living room.
The Only Mystery Being Exactly WHY I Paid To See This
There. Now aren't you glad I'm here to make your mistakes so you don't have to?
Anyway, we made it down to Hervey Bay and booked into Woolshed Backpackers because they have double rooms for $23 each a night which is pretty cool considering we'd been paying about the same if not more for shared dorms and definately good because we were getting closer to Brisbane and there was still no sign of this drought I'd been promised. We were rained off the next day and spent the day watching DVDs and trying to decide which Fraser Island tour to go on once the rain subsided. Lets face it, it doesn't matter how pretty it is, an island made of sand is gonna be miserable in the wet.
Rained Off In Hervey Bay
Such A Hard Life
written by  Koala Bear on November 16, 2007 from Fraser Island, Australia

Fraser Island, Australia
Irma had mentioned renting bicycles a few times but I figured it was a Dutch thing and she could be easily distracted from the subject by windmills and clogs but today I relented and we hired some from the hostel because the weather had picked up and it'd be a nice way to see the Esplanade. We armed ourselves with a couple of sexy helmets and plenty of water but alas we forgot to pack the steel knickers and I spent the entire day wondering what evil was responsible for a mode of transport that makes you hurt in places that should never have to feel pain apart from during childbirth and even then not with the right drugs. See this is why Holland is so fucking small, it's not easy to reproduce when you've all crushed your genitals riding to work every day.
Looking All Dutch And Stuff
Give Me An Air Polluting Car Any Day
Torture Devices
Yah We Look Hot
We got as far as the pier and rode back via the pub but its a nice enough ride despite spending the ensuing three days feeling like I'd been kicked in the cunt. They have all these exercise things all along the front like rowing machines and push up benches and of course cycling machines for the masochist at heart. At least our bikes got us somewhere.
I decided that Hervey Bay wasn't the place for me, far too energetic. We got back to the hostel and limped to reception to book our Fraser tour.
written by  Koala Bear on November 18, 2007 from Fraser Island, Australia

Fraser Island, Australia
Like the Whitsundays there's shit loads of choice when you go to Fraser Island. The most popular are the 2 night 3 day self drive tours but you can also get guided tours ranging from one to three days or you can take yourself and your 4WD over and explore it that way provided you can be bothered to get all the permits needed to camp or visit certain areas. Because one day was enough for us for the Whitsundays we figured one day would be enough for Fraser so we booked ourselves onto a big coach for a one day tour. We also thought if the rain didn't hold off it'd be crap to camp overnight and we couldn't really afford anything too big. I discovered that morning I'd managed to max out my credit card which meant I'd gotten through a £2000 loan plus an extra £400 on top of that. Yep, that's pounds, not dollars. Bring on the overdraft.
On The Tour Bus
Crippled Bus
Fraser Island is basically a huge pile of sand that trees have managed to grow on, there are no sealed roads because you can't tarmac over sand and people frequently get bogged because someone thought it'd be a good idea to lend 4WDs to backpackers and tourists who have no idea how to use one. White settlers were interested in it for logging and promptly took over it, now its totally protected and you need a permit to wipe your arse. It's gorgeous though, you can see why they restrict access.
The Rainforest
Oh come on, I'd just spent three weeks in Cairns and Cape Tribulation, I've kinda run out of things to say about trees. Yes, they're lovely and green and pretty and would make a nice coffee table.
Eli Creek, Coloured Sands And The Maheno Shipwreck
We hit the main beach that runs down one side of the island and also doubles as the main highway, you have to be careful of tides though or you risk getting stranded. As the driver tore up the sand, swerving to avoid the salt water lapping up the shore, on and island made almost entirely of sand he managed to find a rock and hit it thus putting the bus out of action for 90 minutes. Fortunately he did this right near Eli Creek. Well there are worse places to be stuck I guess.
Eli Creek
Me And Irma At The Creek
All the water on Fraser island is fresh water right up until it hits the ocean. It's crystal clear and good enough to drink if you can put the image of hundreds of people a day swimming in it and walking through it while smothered in suncream and insect repellant out of your head. Eli Creek is really nice, we spent our time there just wandering up and down it and wondering when they'd get the bus fixed. eventually they did and we were on our way to look at some sand that was pretty colours and a shipwreck.
Maheno Shipwreck
In Front Of The Wreck
This is where it started feeling rushed. Because we'd lost so much time it was literally a case of jump out of the bus, take a photo and jump back on again before we drove on to Lake McKenzie, one of the more famous landmarks on the island.
Lake McKenzie
The driver had managed to arrange a later ferry so we could still fit the lake in but we still only had half an hour there which I was gutted about because this was what I wanted to see the most with its white sands and fresh, blue water with no stingers or stonefish or sharks or anything else that might take a fancy to your limbs. Its awesome here, if you get a chance to visit you totally need longer than 30 minutes to frolic in the water and chill on the beach.
Fresh, Blue Water...
Soft, White Sands
And I don't care what you say, Irma, I totally won that dunking competition. That's 2-1 to me. Yeah it is. Ha.
Anyway, one day isn't enough here. Hopefully at some point I'll be able to come back and see it properly.
written by  Koala Bear on November 19, 2007 from Fraser Island, Australia

Gympie, Australia
The Big Pineapple, Gympie, Queensland.
The Big Pineapple
Its a big, pineapple shaped thing.
I'm pretty sure this will be the last Big Thing I see in Australia. I know I've missed a lot out as I've travelled round which upsets me enough to consider going out and finding something resembling a life.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find a more constructive hobby such as Extreme Toenail Removal or Inserting Hot Needles Into Eyelids.
written by  Koala Bear on November 20, 2007 from Gympie, Australia

Gympie, Australia
The Big Ned Kelly
Not someone you'd want to bump into after a few shandies on a Saturday night.
written by  Koala Bear on November 20, 2007 from Gympie, Australia

Due to lack of funds we just mad dashed to Brisbane today and arrived early afternoon. All we missed out on was Noosa (another same as before seaside town) and Australia Zoo and that's where I'll finish this road trip story because it's already reached mammoth proportions and I'm sure most of you that have even got this far have things you need to do like eat or shave the hair that's grown as you've waded through all these words.
Random Possum Photo From Hervey Bay
Irma's Ashtray From Mission Beach To Brisbane
If you're bored enough to start considering a quick visit to the Mystery Craters why not check out some photos instead? Go to and marvel at the iced coffee and pie fuelled road trip that was the East Coast of Australia.
written by  Koala Bear on November 20, 2007 from Brisbane, Australia

Saying Goodbye
Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone you really don't want to resulting in the compilation of a three hour Slit Yer Wrists playlist comprising of some Evanescence, a touch of Sinead O Connor, a dash of Foreignor and the entire Missy Higgins Sound Of White album which you listen to in full in a darkened room whilst you wonder at exactly what point the world stopped revolving around you?
No?
Uh... no... me neither...
shuts down Windows Media Player and retreats to the pub*
written by  Koala Bear on December 30, 2007 from Brisbane, Australia

On account of the fact I got lots of work within a week of getting to Brisbane I haven't had time to pick the mozzy bite scabs off my legs, let alone write anything which means you get the following set of words hastily arranged to form something resembling sentences.
Gainful Employment
I landed me a job in one of Brisbane's two gay pubs, the Sportsman Hotel, where I get to sell beer to puffs whilst attempting Responsible Service Of Alcohol. It's actually illegal to get too drunk in Australian pubs, it's the job of the bar staff to keep an eye on everyone and get them to drink water if we think they're starting to have too much fun. This is all thanks to the Lawsuit Culture, if they get pissed in our pub then they fall under the bus on the way home then we get massive fines for letting them get Unduly Intoxicated. I don't like fines so I've become fascist water dyke which can't be doing anything to help the so called drought they're meant to be having here.
Other duties include delivering food to patrons at their table after sneakily relieving them of a few chips and washing up in the back in between zipping drag queens into tight frocks and offering useless advice on what wig they should wear that night. I'm also responsible for perving at the few girls we get in who range from A Bit Of Alright to Excuse Me, I Think You Dropped Your Paper Bag.
Andy, Mouse, Paul, Ella, Merlin, Chris, Anna Mae, Brettski And Me
I also had a Monday to Friday job in a warehouse taking locks out of boxes and putting them into different boxes. I lasted 8 days before they said they didn't need me anymore. I think they wanted someone to actually Do Stuff as opposed to staring mournfully at boxes and trying to put off opening them by colouring everything in in marker pen. This is fine though because I get enough hours at the pub now on account of them being desperate for staff. They'd have to be in order to employ a pierced lesbian who hadn't pulled a pint for about 5 years in the first place.
Drought? What Fucking Drought?
Call me old fashioned but droughts conjure up images of brown foliage and arid wastelands, not torrential rainfall and flash flooding. I can't remember how I dealt with rain, it's been so long since I've had to function in it and I'm still refusing to buy an umbrella dammit all because I'm in Australia and it's not meant to rain in Australia! Yes, I'm aware the dams were at less than 20% and yes, I know they needed the water but its done nothing but rain since we got here and quite frankly I'm over it not least because it relieves me of my right to be a Smug Cunt to those back home.
Jingle Bells Etc Etc
So Christmas happened again. This is my second Christmas in Australia and I still can't get my head round the Xmas In Summer thing. Despite the rain it's still been warm and humid and walking into a shopping centre wearing shorts and flip flops and seeing Christmas trees and decorations still freaks me out. It's weird. It's just not right. I had the urge to sit in a freezer with a piece of tinsel until it went away.
Anyway, me and Irma spent it with John and his fella, Brendan, Dom, Jess and a couple of others where I proceeded to eat and drink too much and pass out.
Ah, nothing like a traditional Christmas with the Queen... Uh, I mean queens.
Pretty
Today's Top Tip
If you have a passport photo taken after you've spent all day running round Brisbane in the summer during one of the worst hair days in history you'll end up with something that looks like a mugshot from Prisoner: Cell Block H stuck in your travel document for the next 10 years. Prepare to be pulled over at customs.
written by  Koala Bear on January 22, 2008 from Brisbane, Australia

Things To Do In Surfers Paradise That Don't Involve Surfing
Just after Xmas Irma had left BrisVegas to go and watch some pretty New year fireworks in Sydney then to head to Perth. Just as I thought I was never going to see her again, a month later she was back so we made the most of our last four weeks together by doing stuff as opposed to just sitting in a backpackers drinking goon.
Brisbane Ferris Wheel; Got Us Out Of The House
Chillin
We'd been to Byron Bay where me and Jess had walked all the way down to the most easterly point of mainland Australia which only meant we'd have to walk back up again. I'm sorry but if they're going to pave over an area of natural beauty they might as well go the whole hog and put cable cars in. Irma didn't bother with that, she just openly mocked me when I got to the top after near death and took photos of me because I'd turned a fetching shade of red and was wondering where I could get a new pair of lungs from at this hour in regional New South Wales.
At The Lighthouse At Cape Byron
Jess, Irma An Me At The Most Easterly Most Point
We'd gone to Nimbin, the cannabis capital of Australia and discussed how long you'd have to live here for before succumbing to tie-dye (we'd settled on three days). I'd been before, Nimbin is wasted on me because I don't smoke but Irma loved it, she decided she wanted to live there and open her very own genuine Dutch coffee shop although I can't see immigration approving her business idea and granting that visa.
Nimbin. Damn Hippies.
Nimbin Museum
We'd rented a hotel room for four nights with our own bathroom and TV so we could get some privacy and chill out together and eat take away pizza off clean, white towels.
God my mother is going to kill me when she reads that last bit.
Bowling
Lovin' Pizza
We'd gone bowling ((coughs)Irma won(coughs)), spent the day at the pub, generally splashed out and treated ourselves and on my last day off before Irma had to leave we drove down to Surfers Paradise in the pissing rain to spend the night there. We'd thought about going to Dreamworld but its not worth it in that kind of weather and I'd worked a close the night before so we just decided to try the Sling Shot out which is a huge contraption that shoots you up into the air at speeds they'd fine you for on the road. It's only $30 plus $20 for the DVD then once you're back down they ask you if you want to go again for $10 each.
Fuck yes!
You might want sunnies to view the following photos on account of the blinding whiteness of our knuckles.
Sliiiiiiing Shhhoooottttt!!!
Fucking Awesome!!
More Sling Shot Joy
Aaaand Upside Down Too
It's soooo cool, especially for the price. There's also a bungee jump there for about $99 but my heart tries to escape out of my mouth just watching people do it so we gave that a miss in favour of having lunch once there was no chance of losing it and indulging in that other Surfers Paradise backpacker pastime; drinking grog.
Safely Grounded
Saying Goodbye
Since I came to Australia and started backpacking I've had to say goodbye to so many people. Sometimes it's been until we meet again, you know you'll see them in another town or maybe even another country somewhere down the track. Sometimes it's been a final goodbye, either they're leaving the country to go home or start a new adventure, or they're from the town you're in and you're leaving to carry on travelling while they stay and get on with their lives. But it doesn't matter. Goodbyes never get any easier, if anything it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to those you've become close to and saying bye to Irma for the last time was without a doubt harder than any other goodbye bar none. This time there's no changing her mind and coming back, she's off back to Holland to get a job and a place and a normal life back home.
Me And Irma
I already miss her, she's an amazing person but I'm just glad I got to travel with her and share at least a part of my life with her.
Photos:
written by  Koala Bear on February 20, 2008 from Brisbane, Australia

The Last Australian Adventure: Part 1
Sydney, Australia
Arrived Sydney: 22/02/08
Left Sydney: 06/03/08
The initial plan was to move to Sydney before Mardi Gras, find work and live there until my visa expired but I love my job at the Sporties and didn't see the point in uprooting myself right at the end of my visa in order to go through the whole job search thing again when I had one here to come back to so I did that thing that Normal People With Normal Lives do.
I went on a two week holiday.
Despite the fact I believe that buses were put on this earth to enhance human suffering I decided to get one to Sydney on account of the fact I don't think that my nerves could have withstood negotiating and parking in a city that size after spending so long in places like Broome and Alice Springs. If Cairns terrified me when I first got there then Sydney would be the end of me, they'd find me curled up in some dark corner of Kings Cross weeping gently and dark corners in Kings Cross aren't places you want to be.
Ella Va'Lay Surprise
I was adamant I wasn't getting pissed the night before either even though the day I was travelling was my birthday. Knowing my luck I'd end up sat next to the fattest person going to Sydney that year thus depriving me of adequate bum space or someone with little or no concept of personal hygiene and I can't deal with that at the best of times, never mind when my liver has gone on strike and my stomach is wishing me dead but Carl, one of the guys I work with had very different ideas. I remember the white russians, the vodkas and the pretty coloured cocktails. I even remember the absinthe shot and the cocktail made of ice cream that a friend of mine tasted before declaring it'd kill me. Then I woke up in my bed fully clothed and shaking just hours from having to board a bus and sit on it for 17 hours.
I dragged myself to the transit centre to alternate between sitting in the air conditioning with my head on the table and kneeling in front of the toilet. Thankfully the bus was half empty and I had two seats to curl up on with my face in my pillow, praying to whatever god that would listen that I would follow them for eternity if they'd just stop the bus from smelling like air freshener.
17 hours on a coach isn't as bad as it sounds though. No, really it isn't. We got two stops at roadhouses for pie consumption and they showed a couple of movies. The rest of the time I slept off the hang over and before we knew it we were pulling into Central station at some god awful hour in the morning. I got a train to Kings Cross, checked into Mates Place backpackers where I cracked open a beer then resumed sleeping because sleeping is good practice for relaxing.
Well, might as well start as you mean to go on.
Loody, Me And Darragh; Starting As We Meant To Go On
Dykes On Bikes Bike And Tattoo Show: 24/02/08
Dykes On Bikes. The girls that lead the Mardi Gras parade every year because if you didn't let them they'd punch you.
Ride With Pride
Loody, who was now living in Sydney with a couple of mates wanted to go the the Bike And Tattoo Show so me and Darragh who'd just got back in from Ireland the same day I arrived in the nation's Not The Capital rocked up to the Hamilton Hotel in Camperdown to check it out. I like bikes and tattoos so I was looking forward to it. Dykes scare me though despite being one, that much estrogen in one place can't be a good thing, and they terrified Darragh who eventually left because he felt intimidated once he realised he wasn't the butchest one there.
Bikes...
Dykes...
I had an awesome day though, it was perfect weather for sitting in a beer garden getting slowly drunk and the two girls who played there, I think they were called Blue House, rocked. I love afternoon drinking.
As promised there were bikes and tattoos as well as a raffle, a wet t-shirt competition, and a singing man who had a great voice but there was far too much thrusting considering he was performing to a room full of lesbians.
And A Tattoo Show
Then came the tattoo show which had different categories like best leg, best back etc so when best front came round I was urged onto stage by Loody, two random lesbians and an afternoon with Jim Beam. There's not enough Jim Beam in the world to get me to take my top off though despite the best efforts of the girl with the microphone and the crowd. But anyway, I won and I'm ignoring the fact there were only two other entrants in that category coz I got a shiny plastic trophy thing and $100 worth of pain to be spent at a local tattoo parlour and y'know there were some pretty heavily tattooed ladies there.
And I use the word "ladies" with tongue firmly in cheek.
Ultimate Tourist
There are a number of things that are compulsory to see in and around Sydney or you'll be pointed at in the street and mocked by your peers. One is Kings Cross, with its reputation for being a dodgy, seedy strip of nightclubs, some people say it's cleaned up its act in recent years and indeed it might have. I only got offered drugs three times and a hooker once, which amused me, there were two of them and as I wandered past one of them asked me if I wanted a girl. I politely declined their kind offer of minge and as I passed them I heard the other say, "that is a girl..." Dammit those C-cups always give it away.
Two others are an opera house and a bridge that is conveniently located over a harbour in Sydney. You might have heard of them. They must be photographed repeatedly from every available angle in order to inflict maximum suffering on those who are foolish enough to ask if you got lots of nice photos of your holiday while you hang over their shoulder and give them a full running commentary.
Come on then, lets get it over with...
Standard Sydney Tourist Shot
They are cool though and they make you feel like you're really in Sydney, its something you see so much in other peoples photographs so to actually be standing there and looking at it is sort of surreal. I didn't even realise the Opera House was actually three buildings.
Having a personal tour guide helps, Nat who I know from the pub and her friend Alan who lives in Sydney picked me up and took me on a magical mystery tour around Sydney and out to Watson Bay where you get to see the city as it's sometimes best seen; from a distance.
Nat, Alan And Me At The Chinese Gardens
Sydney From A Distance
The Boys Chillin' On Bondi Beach
Another obligatory tourist attraction is Bondi Beach which is just a train then short bus ride away from the city. In a country made entirely out of beaches (sort of...) this is the most raved about beach of them all. Everyone knows Bondi, it's even got its own TV show over here, Bondi Rescue. Most weekends it'll be packed out and you'll struggle to find a piece of sand but we were there on a Tuesday and... well... it's a beach init. Just a beach. It's got water and sand and life guards and that's it. It's not the pit of hell the locals tell you it is but it's not the best beach in the world. It's just a beach and yeah, it's busy even on a weekday, the sand is covered in people and the sea is an all you can eat spectacular for sharks.
We frolicked in the ocean, got dumped by a few waves and sat on the sand, soaking up the Sydney sunshine.
Then we got over it and went to the pub.
The Blue Mountains: 28/02/08
The Blue Mountains are only about 90 minutes away from Sydney and get their name from bluish haze caused by oils evaporating from the eucalyptus trees. Can't really see it through fog and rain though and when we went it was pissing it down but me, Nat, AJ and Alan had a brilliant time anyway thanks to the company and the rum.
Three Sisters
First stop was the Three Sisters, accessible from Katoomba. Yes, it's a rock formation, even this far into civilisation Australia can't resist throwing a rock or two into the photograph but it looked fucking wicked with the fog rolling in. You know when you're in an aeroplane and you look out of the window and you see all this cloud but you can't photograph it because it never takes properly and the flash reflects off the window and you get half the wing in anyway?
That. But without the bad in-flight movie and a complete stranger drooling on your shoulder.
After a quick pit stop at the bottle shop to stock up on cans and comedy stubby coolers Alan drove us to the Jenolan Caves because caves are brilliant. I could look at caves all day, they're soooo pretty, I don't know how they can have walls that shiny and textured and expect people not to maul them. It was all I could do not to lick them.
AJ With Drink
Nat And Her New Woman
We ended up checking out Lucas Cave, their biggest, with a massive tour group which meant it took longer than the supposed 90 minutes to get through but we entertained ourselves with tourist photos and by freaking the guide out because AJ couldn't keep her hands off the walls.
Don't Touch The Walls!
Alan, Nat, AJ And Me
After the caves we fully intended to drive back to Sydney via Wentworth Falls but two bottle shop stops later and it became apparent we'd missed them and Alan's SatNav on his phone had no concept of No Right Turn and one way systems. We gave up on the idea of the falls because there was plenty of water falling from the sky anyway and returned to the city.
And of course the local bottle shop.
Honourable Mention
The Lindt Cafe at Martin Place has maybe about eight toasted sandwiches to choose from then two pages worth of chocolate desserts that make your teeth hurt just looking at them and would have dentists drooling over money to be made from the potential root canals. It's the kind of menu you read whilst making orgasm noises and trying to work out if you really need all of your teeth, finally deciding that molars are over rated anyway and can I have this side of the menu please? God it's amazing though, I had profiteroles and a hot chocolate which is served as a jug of steamed milk and a little pot of melted chocolate. It's so so very awesome.
I left feeling a little bit sick in a comforting way and completely unable to face anything with a sugar content for at least 24 hours.
Ish. 24 hours ish.
Give or take an hour. Or five.
licks chops, rubs belly and eyes up the chocolate bunny*
written by  Koala Bear on February 29, 2008 from Sydney, Australia

How Proud Are We Really?
Sydney, Australia
Today is Sydney Gay And Lesbian Mardi Gras 2008, my personal Holy Grail of gay culture and this year is the 30th anniversary of the event that began when a hoard of queers marched down Oxford Street demanding acceptance and equality and the right to bulk buy sequins withour persecution, the things that today we take for granted.
I love Pride events, they're a wicked excuse to get pissed and they're always massively fun. I firmly believe there is a direct correlation between your anal capacity and your ability to throw a party thus Pride events are generally the highlight of my year.
Even Oxford has had a go at it for the past few years although it pissed it down in '03 and '04 and one year the neighbours made us turn the music down. Still, I hope they keep trying.
Anyway, this is a serious post... What...? Stop, come back... I promise it'll hurt less than bum sex...
PRIDE
A mate of mine refuses to go to any Pride ever, he thinks the march is a waste of time because we have nothing left to fight for and he doesn't see what we have to be so proud of. Ok he has a point, just because we sleep with members of the same sex, what, do we want a fucking medal?
Another friend says why bother shouting for something we already have - Equality.
In the UK at least we pretty much have everything we want on a material level if nothing else.
We can adopt kids, join the army, Section 28 ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_28 ) has been repealed, the gay age of consent is now equal to the heterosexual one, we can even “marry” thus giving us the right to messy divorces and bitter custody battles over the cats just like real people.
No, we don’t have to fight anymore in that sense.
But all over the world gays and lesbians are persecuted, beaten, even jailed and executed purely on the grounds of their sexuality. What about them? Why are we sitting back smugly while this still happens in the world?
And we might even have everything we ever wanted on paper but even in the UK and Australia homosexuality is still a taboo subject. There are still people out there who batter us, spit at us and shout abuse at us in the street and only when this persecution has been eradicated, when the bigots have been shown that their behaviour will no longer be tolerated by the community, only then will Pride cease to be a War Cry and become purely a voice of Thanks.
Thank You to the people who did have to fight. The men and women throughout the years who risked their freedom and even their lives so we could have the right to equality. The men and women who wouldn’t roll over and let the right-wingers and the homophobes walk all over us.
Pride, to me, isn’t just a party, a celebration of our diversity and strength. To me, Pride is a way of saying “Thank You!” to these people. Thank you to those who stood up for us as a community, who burnt that closet, stood tall and proud and shouted for our rights as human beings.
Pride is a Thank You as well as letting the world know that we're not done yet. There are still issues to be addressed and challenges to be faced, maybe not on our own doorstep but the problems of our communities around the world are our problems too.
We ARE here, we ARE queer and we are no longer second class citizens. We have rights and we are equal, people have fought long and hard to get us where we are today and if that’s not something to be proud of I don’t know what is.
written by  Koala Bear on March 1, 2008 from Sydney, Australia

The Last Australian Adventure: Part 2
Sydney, Australia
I've wanted to go to Sydney Gay And Lesbian Mardi Gras for years, this was on my ever expanding list of Things To Do Before I Die and what better year to go than the 30th anniversary of the event? It's not something you can write about not least because the power of coherent communication leaves you after a few drinks and you end up hanging over the railings brandishing a rainbow flag in one hand and the remnants of a bourbon can in the other screaming "Happy Mardi Graaaaaas!" at the parade as it marches past.
Hayley, Jaz, Me And Loody At The Railings For Mardi Gras
Mardi Gras Posse
Matt, Nat, Loody And AJ
The atmosphere was electric, I know I'm not even going to be able to write anything resembling a decent paragraph but it lived up to expectations, I got pissed and had fun and was part of one of the biggest pride events in the world.
It's so easy to get caught up in the moment but so hard to put into words.
Mardi Graaaaaas!
written by  Koala Bear on March 2, 2008 from Sydney, Australia

The Last Australian Adventure: Part 3
Taronga Zoo - 03/03/08
Sky Safari
Maybe it wasn't the wisest idea in the world to go to a place that smells of animals and their shit the day after a big weekend when your stomach is plotting revenge and your liver is advertising for a new place to live but this was the last day Loody would have a chance to go to the zoo before she flew back to Germany for three weeks and anyway, I'd been told this zoo was brilliant.
And it is. You get the ferry over from Circular Quay thus giving you even more Lets Take Photos Of The Opera House opportunities to torture your peers with then they take you by a cable car system they call Sky Safari into the zoo itself. I'm a huge fan of cable cars or indeed anything that'll get you up an incline with minimal leg movement. Tickets cost about $44 for return ferry, Sky Safari and zoo entry, buy them from the ferry terminal at Circular Quay.
Taronga Zoo
Well I've Kissed Worse
So me, Loody, Hayley and Jaz (Loody's housemates) embarked on a magical mystery tour with Hayley in the lead brandishing a map. Taronga is definitely one of the best zoos I've been to, you can easily spend a day there and everything is really well displayed and thought out. Even the bird show is surpassed only by the kind of bird show you get in Kings Cross at the seedier clubs.
Grr And Things
Watching Stuff Eat
As well as things you'd expect to find in a zoo such as animals, keeper talks and the ever obligatory reptile show Taronga has all kinds of exciting things such as statues you can climb on but probably aren't meant to and cardboard with holes cut out that you can stick your head through for a comedy photo op. Weirdly though they also have them old style scales at every turn that you put a dollar in and stand on to weigh yourself.
Riiiiide Em!
Gorilla Lurve
So I did and the evil bastard piece of machinery told me I was 70kg.
Seventy! Can't they program these things to lie?
I vowed to cut down on them chicken shish things I'd gotten addicted to and jumped off the scales before the keepers threw me in the elephant enclosure.
Thunder Jet And The Minus 5 Bar - 05/03/08
There are a million things to do in Sydney that I never got round to doing for one reason or another but the things we did do fucking rocked. Today was my last full day in Sydney and Alan and Nat had spent some time the previous day looking on the internet for stuff to do and one of those things was Thunder Jet which is a very fast boat that quite literally gives you a taste of the harbour and beyond. We got there early, paid our $79 and were told that the front was the roughest ride on the boat so me and AJ made sure we got it.
Note The Only Four Not Wearing Ponchos
It's. So. Cool! They give you the option at the beginning to wear a yellow poncho, we decided not to because at the end of the day you're gonna get a soaking whether you're covered in plastic or not then they speed around, getting into the wash of other boats, finding the biggest waves, spinning you round, stopping suddenly and nose diving into the water so that about 1000 litres of water hits you in the face and sloshes around your lungs. Its fucking awesome! And me and Nat were the only two of us four that didn't have bruising from holding on like pussies ;)
Before The Soaking...
...And Piss Wet Through
Afterwards we headed back to Alan's leaving half the harbour trickling off the train to get dry before we went back to Circular Quay and the Minus 5 ice bar. Now this is very very cool, pun fully intended because yes, I'm really that lame. Its a bar made entirely of ice complete with sculptures where they can only serve vodka cocktails because everything else would freeze which is Absolut-ly (ok, I promise I'll stop now) fine by me because vodka is the nectar of the gods.
It's $30 entry and they only give you half and hour in there but to be honest that's all you need, it's about -13 degrees in there. You'll never bitch about the heat again and thank the dear sweet god of insulation for the thick Eskimo coats or my nipples would have taken out half the ice sculptures every time I turned round.
Freezin' Fucking Cold. Vodka Makes It All Good Again.
I'd spent most of my time in Sydney with Alan, Matt, Nat and AJ which was awesome. Alan is a great tour guide and a top bloke and him and the others just made my time in Sydney what is was, it wouldn't have been the same without them, I had an amazing two weeks.
Three Dykes And A Bridge
And as for the most hyped city in the country, Sydney is an awesome place to visit but I totally couldn't live there without selling a kidney and swapping a limb for a new liver.
And All The Debauchery Can Be Found In Glorious Technicolour Here:
written by  Koala Bear on March 7, 2008 from Sydney, Australia

Coping With Stress
So I noticed a white hair in with my own this morning and assuming it was a labrador hair (I live in John's house with two labs) I tried to pull it out and it hurt.
Aforementioned John And Two Labs
It hurt because it was ATTACHED TO MY FUCKING HEAD!!
It is a clinically proven fact that lesbians can't function without some small amount of crisis in their lives. The scientific term is Dramaticus Rugmunchus, or Lesbian Drama, and if we don't have this we go out and find something to give us cause for grief such as sleeping with the biggest bull dyke on the scenes ex girlfriend or dating a known psychopath. I like my face the shape it is so to get my stress fix I decided to send my goon damaged passport off for renewal at the last possible minute which means that with less than three weeks until I have to leave the country its still not back.
I still don't have a New Zealand working holiday visa but I do have flights to Fiji which should in theory relax me but I ain't going anywhere without this little book containing the worst photo of me ever taken apart from that time I passed out by the river in Perth and Raz sat on my head with his pants down and took pictures. Goon has alot to answer for.
Damn this genetic addiction to drama I have, if only I could live without some small amount of crisis in my life then maybe I wouldn't be turning slowly grey at the age of (coughs)27(coughs).
Give thanks for Loreal.
written by  Koala Bear on April 20, 2008 from Brisbane, Australia

Look Mum, I'm In A Drag Show
I hate being on stage, I always have, I'll avoid it as much as possible but sometimes it can't be helped like that time I was sent on stage at Connections to pick the whips up or the time they put me on stage in front of about 15000 people to set up a prop at the Kylie gig in Perth. I know its only a big deal in my own head, no one else cares or is even paying much attention so it's doable with only minor psychological scarring and the nightmares go away after a few days.
I have vague recollections of being dragged onto stage on my birthday, sipping an Ella Va'Lay Surprise (surprise, you've lost the use of your basic motor functions) but again, being pissed helped and everything else was drowned out by the sound of liver caving in on itself.
Then there's the Sportsman Hotel Annual Drag show which this year happened to fall on my last night on the bar. This meant I would still be staff and with it being a staff drag show an all that I'd be expected to perform. On stage. In front of people that were actually looking at me!
Me As Anthony Canlicker
I toyed with the idea of deportation or sustaining some sort of crippling injury during a freak accident but I kinda need a good track record in order to get into other countries and I generally don't move around enough to cause myself a mischief so I resigned myself to the fact and me and Chris decided we were going to do Kids by Kylie and Robbie and anyway, how hard could girl-to-boy drag be?
Anthony Canlicker And Alana Speed
The hardest part was working out how to strap my tits down, they're c-cups, they don't just invert y'know so after extensive experimentation with bandages I ended up just wearing a sports top underneath a shirt. My package was easy enough, I stuffed enough socks in my knickers to make a donkey blush and now I get it, I finally realise why blokes adjust themselves so much. A bulge is a really convenient place to rest your hand during any other one handed task such as driving, drinking beer or flipping through TV channels, for the entire time I had it in I couldn't for the life of me remember what I usually did with the other hand during the aforementioned tasks but then this is why blokes cant multitask; "Can't do anything with the other hand right now, dear, I'm very busy holding my crotch."
Finally, Sasha drew a beard on me and darkened my eyebrows to complete the look and I spent the night trying to resist the urge to scratch my imaginary bollocks in front of a room full of people and wondering who I should start a fight with at the kebab van later on coz he looked at my bird funny ok?
Olivia Kuntz
Alana Speed
Y'know I've never been so scared in my whole life, ever. I can't recall a time I felt that sick because I had to do something I was reluctant to do. I don't actually remember much of being on stage, I don't know if I remembered to mime or not, I remember bits and bobs and just wanting to get off stage at the end and Chris not letting me by the time I did get off I was a sweating, shaking wreck. Despite the date on the bottom of this post I was in Fiji by the time I got the bottle up to watch the video back.
Drag
More Drag
Yet More Drag
Drag Overload
Shy... Guy?!
It seems I have an abject inability to shimmy, one or both shoulders forget what they're meant to be doing resulting in something resembling a minor fit and there wasn't much dancing so much as wandering aimlessly round the stage waving my arms about occasionally but hey, I did remember to mime. Bella Chimes (Chris) was brilliant though, no way on this earth could I have gotten up there on my own and while she was dragging me back on stage against my will she said some awesome things that I wasn't expecting so thanks again :)
I had a top time working at the Sporties, everyone has been brilliant, both the staff and patrons. The boys (and some of the girls...) that drink there are some of the warmest, funniest people I've ever met and they made me welcome right from my first day. I love the atmosphere there, the look on the faces of the people who haven't worked out where they are when a 7' drag queen sashays past, watching the pool comps and whiling the day shifts away chatting to the regulars.
The Good Ol' Sporties
Yep, I'm gonna miss working at a place where at the mention of a boys vs girls pool comp where everyone has to wear a dress the girls groan in horror and the boys start picking out their outfit.

Bye Then, Australia
It's been an awesome 2 years in Australia and I leave tomorrow for a quick holiday in Fiji. I've seen and done some amazing things and met the best people to do them with. From the arid, red deserts of the centre to the laid back variety of the west and the bustling, busy east, we've done a lap and taken a drive to the middle. Some people are gonna be mates for life, we'll meet again somewhere around the world, maybe go on another adventure or just relive the hot days and messy goon nights. Other people I'll lose touch with as time goes by, we had fun and I'll never forget them but every single one of these people, these fleeting moments have made Australia the once in a lifetime adventure it was.
The places I've been and the things I've seen have been incredible but the people I've done them with made it special. Anyone can stand and gaze over a stunning lookout, relax in a naturally thermal pool, swim in a crystal clear waterfall plunge pool, watch a spectacular sunset or breathtaking moon rise but if you have your mates to share it with it somehow brings it to life. You have someone to laugh with, play with and someone to talk about the day with as you chill out in the garden at a backpackers with a cask of goon or as you kick back round a camp fire and stare at the unimaginable blanket of stars above you.
Backpackers on the same journey as you become your family and you become theirs, you see them day after day at the hostel or you head out on a road trip together and you quickly get to know and trust them like you've known them for years, you can't remember life without them. You cook together, eat together, drink together and sleep together. Not like that you filthy minded... oh ok sometimes yeah...
Even the people you meet when you settle in a town or city for a while, the locals all affect you and change the course of your life in some small way. Four months are like eight while you travel, its not a so-called normal life or situation, everything seems somehow intensified or speeded up. You sweep into the lives of locals, become their friends and they become part of who you are and affect the way you think then you're gone again just as quickly, an insignificant blip in time and you wonder if they'll remember you like you'll remember them, if you affected them like they touched you and added that bit extra to your life. Sometimes these are the hardest people to say goodbye to, I've said it before, its so hard to explain to someone why you have to leave when sometimes you don't want to, you just know its the best decision.
I think that sometimes I lose touch with whats important. Its not about how many mountains you can climb or rivers you can swim, how many places you can travel to or cultures you can absorb, its about who you do it with because that person or those people are the ones that are going to make your adventure everything it can be and so much more. It doesn't have to be the same people for every journey or road trip, it could be with someone you've known for a while or someone you met a week ago in the hostel and drunkenly agreed you were going to head to the next destination together (yep, that's happened). You might even think you'll be doing part of the journey alone them someone wanders up and asks if they can come too.
And the hardest part, the part I'll never get used to is letting go and saying goodbye. Starting afresh with a new country and a whole new set of people to get to know but then isn't that what its all about? Meeting people? Starting new friendships without letting the old ones fall by the wayside? Going on new and totally different adventures with new and totally different people?
Bring on the unknown.

Home Sweet Home

Surfs Up

Emma

The Lighthouse

Goes Well With Tartar Sauce

Obligatory Underwater Photo

Throw Another Shrimp On The Barbie, Mate

The Big Prawn

Sunset Over Byron Bay

The Big Banana

Seal Snogs

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

Dolphin Kisses

Perform, Bitch

Random. I Know.

Fredo's Pies

View From Rialto Tower

God I Hope No One Saw Me

The MCG

AT The MCG

Who Ate All The Pies?

Posing With Peter

Making The Right Look Like The Left

Boredon In Echuca

Down The Pub

The World's Biggest Lollipop... Apparently

Paddlesteamer

Soaking Up The Sun On The Murray River

Taigen, Jaime And Abi

Gazing At... Stuff... And Things...

VIC/NSW

After Someone Used My Tyres As A Dart Board

My Poor Car With Its Arse In The Air

Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew

The Nomads Oasis Crew

Big Green Tractor

Check Out The Wheels On That

The Big Kangaroo

Nasty Shit

Road Trip!

Yes We're Aware Of The Fact We're Shameless Tourists

The Big Murray Cod

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport

Nick, Pete, Becky And Maaike

Bumbang Island

Natalie Wots-Er-Name, Rouge Traders

Me And Naomi Next To The Tour Bus

Meeting Dr Karl; *Starstruck*

Not Big But Definately A Wave

The Big Koala

The Big (Actually Running) Tap

The Big Cow

The Nobbies

Red Bellied Black Snake

The Pinnacles

No Shit, Sherlock

Split Point Lighthouse

Great Ocean Road

Not Someone You'd Expect To Meet

Otways Skywalk

Takin' Off Over The Great Ocean Road

Twelve Apostles

At The Foot Of Gibson Steps

Shipwreck Coast

Setting Up Camp

The Big (Mangy) Koala

The Big Rocking Horse

Down The Ed

Pigs In Adelaide CBD

Gymnastics In Glenelg

Oh Come On, You Think It's As Pants As I Do

World's Classiest Bush Dunny Complete With Seat And Bog Roll Holder

Emma Chillin' Next To The Fire

Wilpena Pound

Fuckin' Made It!

Open... For Now

Terance And Our Dinner

Me And Allison; Yah We Look Hot

Talc Alf. Crazy Desert Man.

The Oodnadatta Track; Enjoy It

Mutonia Sculpture Park

Rain Dance

After The Rain

Keith's Storm Photo

Salt Lake Hart

Welcome To Coober Pedy

Don't Walk Backwards

Desert Cave P-A-R-T-Y

Underground Home

Dingo Fence

Oh Come On, It Was Begging To Be Photographed

My Favoritest Road House Ever

Soaking In The 37C Pool

Candle LIt Dinner For 11

Allison Catching Up On Some Sleep

Pure. Fucking. Bliss.

Some Of The Kids From Finke

The Geographical Centre Of Australia

The Big Echidna

The Big Frill Necked Lizard

Yep, That's A Grape Stuck To My Mush

Kata Tjuta (The Olgas)

Sam And His New Mate

Me, Suzanne And Allison Sporting The Latest In Outback Fashion

The Girls At The Rock

Brekky In Front Of The Rock

Me, Keith And Sile; Goin' Up

Tourist Circus

Looking Down

Shield Shrimp

Uluru

Keith, Sile And Me At The Top

Ayers Rock

Some Random Rock In The Middle Of The Desert

HEADING BUSH!

Kings Canyon

Livin' On The Edge... K Well Lying On It Anyways

Garden Of Eden, Kings Canyon

Tourists!

Our Tour Guide Setting A Good Example

Yah We're Hot

Fun With Pringles

Feral Camels

Nice Melons, Mike

Beeeeeeeeer!

Me And Allison About To Take Off

Ormiston Gorge

FERAAAAAAAL!

Ellery Creek Big Hole

Allison And Her Birthday Chips. Or Fries. Whatever.

The Boys And Their 800g Steaks

Not Looking At All Camp There, Mike...

Night Out @ Bo's

On The Border

The Big Winch

Salt Lake Minus The Naked Puff

Me An' Ma Grrlz

Mullet Spotting

The Big Galah

Halfway Across Australia... Roughly

Zzzzzzzzzz

The Big *Vomits* Oyster

Just Not Happening

More Things To Run Over

Absolutely Nothing To See Here

Rooey II

Kliff And Tim, Setting Up At Border Village

From SA To WA

About To Embark On The 90 Mile Straight

Doing The Longest White Line In Australia

The Most Fun You Can Have With A Big Rock

Record Breakers

RIP Lassie

Locust Carnage

Maaike Working Hard

Chillin' In Perth

Maaike, Bex And Me Reunited

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Fun With Bottle Caps

George

Mash Potato Mash Potato...

God I Hope I Assembled That Thing Right

How Many Backpackers Does It Take To Move A Pallet?

At The Kylie Bump In

Can't Find Smart Card

Frolicing In The Ocean

Relaxing On The Beach

Perth; The Best City In The World

Chilling At Kings Park

Happy Occassion

Hot Little Russian Number

Kissing The Bride

My Eyes....

....MY EEEEYYYYYYEEEESSSS!!!

Graeme's Angels

Phil And Rob; Cheeky Northern Monkeys

Santa Trev

Me And Kliff

Best Xmas Eve Ever

Heather, Maaike, Bexster And Loody

The Grrlz

Full Moons

Maggot On The Beach

Loody, Bexster, Cory, Maaike And Me

Watching The Sunset Over Rockingham

Gangsta

Extreme Flaming Arseholes

Lurve Chain

What A Catch

Not As Deadly As They Are Ugly

Kliff Getting Feral, Catching Fish

Darragh And Loody

Fuck We're Hot

The Stoner; The Chinese Master; The Demon; The Retard

Bogan? Who? Me?

Annabelle And Stardust

Chillin' On South Beach At Night

Recovery

My Home In Perth

Bruney And Alberto

On The Piss Down The Court Hotel

Crazy King John's House

Eoin And Darragh

Taking The Plunge

View From Blackwall Reach

Don't Jump Off Cliffs

There Were 5 In The Bed An The Little On Said...

Rainbow Lodge @ Blackwall Reach

Fraser's Alternative To Cliff Jumping

Woo Hoooooooo!!

At This Point He Was Demanding Vodka

Dave And Darragh

Eoin Gets To Shower With Two Lesbians

Oooooooooohh.....

Sunset As Seen From My Room

....Aahhhhhhhhhhh

Watching A Storm On A Wet, Tin Roof

They Trusted Me With The Pointy Stabbing... I Mean Cutting Thing.

For What We Are About To Receive Please Don't Let It Poison Us

Rainbow Crew

Rainbow Lodge @ The Hip-E Club

Up On The Roof

Raz, Ricki J, Sarah, Alex, Matt And Crispy

Japanese Lessons

After We Shaved Alex's Sack And Crack

Rainbow Lodge Snapshot

Kayak Tour

Sea Monsters

Oh Come On, I'd Just Worked A Night Shift

Loody And Annabelle On The Road

Biggest Bollocks In The World

The Big Ram

Welcome To Wagin; We Have Sheep

Shiny Disco Balls @ Connections

Not A Bad View From The Work Place

Me And Raz

GoOoOoOoOoOoN!

Raz In His Cute Hat

Officially Staying

Forty Fucking One Baby Yeah!

Love Sweet Love

Comet McNaught; Pic Shamelessly Stolen Off Wikipedia

Chillin' In The Park

The Dangers Of Sleeping

The Big Camera

The (Not Very) Golden Pipeline Trail

The Exchange Hotel

Not Just A Pit... A SUPER Pit

A Sod Off Great BIg Bucket

Langtrees 181 Brothel

Us, The Lads And A Skimpy

The Only Way To Travel In Kal

Best Breaky In Town

A Huge Fucking Hole In The Ground

Too Big To Fit In One Photo

Wot You Lookin' At?

Me And Loody Go Trekking

Me, Loody, Kim And A Camel

Nommage

White Sands, Crystal Ocean

Paradise (If You Can Ignore The Hyperthermia)

The Only Way To Fish

Dusk At Lucky Bay

Lucky Bay At Dawn

At Least Something Looks Good In The Morning

Frenchman Peak

At The Top

Breakfast Of Champions

Mitchell

Catching Dinner

Appetising, No?

Cleaning Our Tiny Din Dins

Sammy The Sealion

Yeah It's Not Much But It's Ours

Sunrise Over Esperance

Great Ocean Drive Tourist Loop

10 Mile Lagoon Wind Farm

The Allegedly Pink Lake

Damn Hippies

Butch

Wolfe Creek Moment

Attempting To Look Dutch

Niiiiiice Horsey

Dog (ish) Rock

The Gap

The Natural Bridge

Me, Bexster And The Loodmeister

Posing

Staple Diet Of Spuds And Grease

Licenced For 3 People (Provided One Of Them Has No Legs)

This Took me Forever And I Still Failed

Sampling The $16.50 Goon

Ming

Bex And Loody; The Valley Of The Giants

Valley Of The Giants Walk

40 Metres Up

Wanna Root?

After The Millionth Pic You Get Creative

Inside The Great Tingle Tree

Its Great... Its A Tingle Tree... Its THE Great Tingle Tree

Fuckin' Waaaaasted!

Gloucester Tree

Cape Leeuwin Lighthouse

Southern/Indian Ocean

Where The Oceans Meet

Officially Back On The West Coast

Note How The Pinky Is Held Aloft Whilst Pouring

Us And Our New Mate, Darko

Caves

More Cavey Stuff

Darko, Me, Becky And Loody

Random Margs Moment

Making Dinner In The Back Of A Sedan

Busselton Jetty

$20 Worth Of Coral Viewing #1

Chillin' At Sarah's

Part Of Sarah's Lodge

Outdoor Dunny; Watch For Redbacks

Exotic Trees

The Big Mushroom

Magic Mushroom Cafe

Amnesia In A Bottle

The Big Apple

Awwww

What The Fuck??

Me, Loody And A Roo

Cow On The Corner

Bexster And A Fingerful Of Wax

Dooooooom!

Tea Light Nipple Mould. Ouch.

P-A-R-T-Y

Becky, Ashley (My Barman) And Loody

I Love This City

Rhino Arse

Lanky Yellow Things

Meercats. Everyone Loves Meercats

Cute In A Big N Ugly Type Way

Me, Loody, Becky, Darragh And Craig

Let's Get Hurt!

My Standard Sandboarding Pose

Dunes

Show Off!

Just Chillin'

Well If Ya Can't Stand Up...

More Pinnacles

The Five Of Us At The Pinnacles

Yep, More Rocks

Arty Shadows At Sunset Photo

HMS Sydney Memorial

No, I Have No Idea Why They Chose Seagulls Either

Infinately Pinker Than The Other One

Stunning Coastline

The Z-Bend

Contrived Posing In Nature's Window

Kalbarri Alarm Clock

Fucking Flies!

Red Bluff Camp Site

Note The Number 13 On The Outboard

Loody, Me And Craig

Chiiiiiiillin'

Darragh's First Fish

Craigs Got Crabs...

Stromatolites

Pissed And Rowdy

Spin Me Right Round Baby

Well Cute

You Laughin' At Me?

Yep, That's My Vast Arse In The Air As I Interfere With Nature And Feed A Dolphin A Dead Fish

The Beach At Monkey Mia

Monkey Mia

Supplies

The Blowholes

Red Bluff

Burying Bexster

Waves At Red Bluff

Chillin' At The Blowholes At Sunset

Drenched

Snorkelling At Quobba Point

Killing Time

Termite Mound

On Convoy

Yet Another Big Prawn

Just The Five Of Us

3 Islands Marine Charters

Snorkelling

Loody

Dolphins

Fuckin' Love Prawns, Me

The Crew (Minus A Camera Shy Noz)

Craig And Becky

PERTH CREW: Loody, Darragh, Kliff, Neil, Me, Becky, Dave And Abi

Oops!

Hammersley Gorge

More Gorge Action

Having A Dip

Goon In The Gorge

Karijini National Park

Freshening Up

Gotta Love Waterfalls

Making The Most Of Having Power

Wittenoom Guest House

Wittenoom Gem Shop

Eating My Dust

300km Of This

Back In *Shudders* Civilisation

The First Town In The Pilbarra

Cossack Jail

Our First Croc Warning Sign

Blurry Bush Fire Pic

Dammit!

Ominous Signage

Feeding Time

Call Him A Fat Headed Cunt To His Face

Steve Irwin Moment

Me, Loody And The Crab Man

Get Crabs In Broome

Perfect Sunset

Party At The MCG

Gypsy Camp

Some Of The Broome Crew

Staircase To The Moon

It's Actually Prettier Than This. Honest

MCG Golf Hockey Team (Yeah, We Were Bored)

Dave And Loody Butcher Summer Of '69

People To Talk To

Cybo The Puppy

Titty Comp

Hooray....

....For Boobies!

Bog Frogs

On The Road

The Boys; Jon-o And Darragh

The Russian Hummer

Neil, Jon-o, Darragh, Becky And Me

An Ex-Turtle At One Arm Point

Brekky With Our New Mate, Lumpy The Dog

Saying Goodbye To The Broome Crew

The Prison Boab

The Gibb River Road

Tunnel Creek

Nommage On The Fire

Freshie Land

Packing Up

Windjana Gorge

Croc Infested

Rope Swiiiiiiing!

Enjoying A Cold Shower

Frolicking At Galvans Gorge

Galvans Gorge

Manning Falls

River Crossing

Swapping Buses

Beeeeeeeer!!

Cunt Of A Road

Eat A Fucking Lime Instead!

Big Merton Falls

The Stunning Mitchell Falls

Mitchell Falls From The Air

Taxi Home

Dinner At Little Merton Falls

On The Road To The Mitchell Falls

Windjana Spirits

Clean And Plyed With Booze

El Questro Gorge

El Shiny Town; Note The Helicopter In The Background

The Girls In The Hot Pools

Zebedee Thermal Pools

Scott, Isabelle, Me, Pat, Dick, Lil, Pam, Mary, Bill And Tom

Elephant Rock

Scott's Jet Boat

Sunset Over Lake Kununurra

Launching The Boat

Pat In The Tube

Lovin' It

One Way To Spend A Morning

Pretty Places

Pretty Views

The Only Way Into Purnululu

Purnululu National Park

And If You Look Closely You Can Just About Make Out My 6th Chin

Taking Off

Fuckin' Love Choppers, Me

Scary Bitch

Freshwater Croc

Fire

Purnululu Sunset

Bill With His Veg Basket

My First Fire

Tree People

You Should Have Seen The State Of Me Trying To Get Down

Nicki, Sarah And Me At Mary Pool Rest Stop

And That's About As Close As I Was Getting

Took Forever To Collect This Wood

Backpacker Silver Service

Meet Bruce

On A Mission To Nom Our Food

Welcome To Wolfe Creek

Wolfe Creek Meteorite Crater

In The Middle Of The Crater

Our Camp At Wolfe Creek

The Big Crocodile

On To The NT

New Speed Limits

The Fastest You Can LEGALLY Go In Oz

Florence Falls

Chillin' In Buley Rockholes

Buley Rockholes

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Wooooo!

Collecting Firewood In A Sedan

Tolmer Falls

Wangi Falls

Nice Croc/ Nasty Croc

One Of The Lads

Mindil Beach Sunset

NOT My Most Flattering Angle

Kliff

Good Times

Night Out In Darwin

Nice Jugs, Krystal

Curly And Krystal's Goodbye Message At The End Of The Loooong Dirt Road To The Melon Farm

Melon The Flea Bitten Mutt

Backpacker House

The Big Boxing Croc

The Closest I'll Ever Get To A Full Grown Saltie With My Limbs Intact

Herrrrre Croccy Croccy Croccy

Fishing For Crocs

Steaming

Douglas At Dawn

Douglas Hot River

David; My New Fave Person

Katherine Gorge

Gotta Love Canoeing

Katherine Hot (More Like Warmish) Springs

In Katherine...

Mataranka; Old Men In Speedos

The Big Stubby

I Drove The Explorer Highway. Half Of It Anyway...

Well It Was Hotter Than Katherine Hot Springs Anyways

Smokin'

Devil's Marbles

Wycliffe Well

Top Of Anzac Hill

The View From The Top

Rock Wallaby And A Joey

Toni And Her New Mates

You Shoulda Seen Where The Damn Thing Had Its Tail

Nick, Jason And Karl's Snake, Soul

Having A Beer With Soul

Darryn And Nick

Awwwww

Thus Totally Destroying My Hard Image

Nick Looking Like A Pikey

Me And Irma

Nick And Karl

Standley Chasm

Best Free Camp View Ever

Ellery Creek Big (Cold) Hole

Big White Arses At Ormiston Gorge

One Night In The Bush And Look At Us

Trephina Gorge

Tribal

The Big Man

Jean, Karl, Loody, Bex And Me

Mt Isa

Crossing Another Border

Look At Me, I'm Holding Up A Big Red Rock

The Big Barramundi

Free Camping With Iris And Tammy

Tammy In The Devils Marbles

The Amazing Lake Balmore

Look At Me, I've Got My Head In A Crocs Mouth

Millstream Falls

Krys The Savannah King

We Make A Beautiful Couple, So Much In Common.

Mum And Dad Feeding Roos

Mauling Crocs

"I'm Comfortable With My Sexuality" Pink Kayak

Butch Blue Kayak

The Headland

Double Island

Looking Out Of The Skyrail

The Skyrail

Australia Venom Zoo

Dad's First Time On A Horse Ever

Getting Ready To Fly

Blazing Saddles Souvenier Photo

Stoney Creek Falls

Not Always Overly Scenic

Ohhhh So THAT'S What Dawn Looks Like

Raging Thunder

Hot Air Balloons

Filling Her Up

Hot Air Ballooning

Dad, Mum And Me, Still Grounded

Flying High

Elinjaa Falls

Zillie Falls

Lake Eacham. Like Swimming In Velvet. No, Really.

Milla Milla

Some Random Shitty Falls Somewhere

The Big Captain Cook

Undara Lave Tubes

Drinking Beer And Cooking Roo

Having A Dip At Undara

Undara Lava Tubes

Rainforest Meets Reef

Horse Riding On Cape Trib Beach

Mum, Dad And Me On Cape Trib Beach

Heading Back To Land. Sweet Joy Of Joys.

In The Water

Poorly Sick

Dad Going For His Try Dive

Raz

Daintree Aeriel Walk

The Unsinkable River Train. Sounds Like A Challenge

At The Top Of The Rainforest

Chill Out, Not Flat Out

For Once I'm Not The Spikest Thing In The Area

Strangler Fig

Bring It, Bitch

Walkway Through The Trees

The Daintree. Some Of It Anyway.

Dad On His Way Down The Line

Stunning Views

Jungle Jane And Spongebob Squarepants

Left Hanging

Mossman Gorge

Grrr An Stuff

Dad With Dinner

The 'Rents

Lurrrve The Cane Toad; Cairns Night Zoo

Yes Actually, That IS The Great Barrier Reef

Great Barrier Reef

Shark!

Rum Runner IX

The Big Swordfish Or Something

Sky Diving Mission Beach

WHOOOOOOOOO.....

The Big Cassowary

Watching Skydivers

Hangover Cure

Alison And Nat And A Shiny Bag Of Joy

The Golden Gumboot

Wallaman Falls: Really Fucking Long

Some Random Falls

My New (Albeit Temporary) Woman Thing

Imaginary Water Tank

Townsville At Night...

You WILL Have Your Photo Taken

...Aaaand In The Day

Random Waterfally Thing In Townsville

Irma Does Kayaking. Tries To, Anyway.

Drifting

X Base As Seen From The Ocean

On A Mokey Mission

The View from Our Dorm Room

Yeah I Got A Moke

Irma About To Get Her Arse Kicked By Me

Jet Skiiiiiii!

Cute, Cuddly And Very Fucking Lazy

Not A Myth After All

Posing With The Koalas

View From The Top Of Forts Walk

Power Napping

The Big Mango

Me and Irma At The Big Snake

It's A Hard Life, Being A Passenger

The Big Snake

Hill Inlet

More Hill Inlet

Even More Of The Same

Bored Yet?

Whitehaven Beach, Whitsunday Island

Smurf

BBQ With A Monitor Lizard

The Promised Cheese Platter

Staple Road Trip Breakfast

Olsen Capricorn Caves

Nom House

The Big Bull

Yeah Whatever, No One Likes A Smug Cunt

From The Tropical...

...To The Temperate

Learning To Surf

One Day I MIGHT Make A Surfer... Maybe

Loadsa Bikes

SCOOTER ROO!!

Sunset Over 1770

Behind The Bundy Bar

The Big Bundy Bottle

Nomming Pizza

Rum, Pizza, Lesbian And A One Man Tent

The Only Mystery Being Exactly WHY I Paid To See This

The Old Cop Shop

Looking All Dutch And Stuff

Torture Devices

Give Me An Air Polluting Car Any Day

Such A Hard Life

Rained Off In Hervey Bay

Yah We Look Hot

On The Tour Bus

Crippled Bus

Me And Irma At The Creek

In Front Of The Wreck

Eli Creek

Maheno Shipwreck

Fresh, Blue Water...

Soft, White Sands

Random Possum Photo From Hervey Bay

The Big Pineapple

Irma's Ashtray From Mission Beach To Brisbane

The Big Ned Kelly

Brisbane In The Rain

Pretty

Xmas

I'm Sure Its A Pretty View Beyond The Rain

Pissing Rain

Pool Volley Ball In The Rain

More Pissing Rain

Chillin

Brisbane Ferris Wheel; Got Us Out Of The House

Andy, Mouse, Paul, Ella, Merlin, Chris, Anna Mae, Brettski And Me

Jess, Irma An Me At The Most Easterly Most Point

At The Lighthouse At Cape Byron

Nimbin. Damn Hippies.

Nimbin Museum

Bowling

Lovin' Pizza

Sliiiiiiing Shhhoooottttt!!!

Fucking Awesome!!

More Sling Shot Joy

Aaaand Upside Down Too

Safely Grounded

Ella Va'Lay Surprise

Loody, Me And Darragh; Starting As We Meant To Go On

And A Tattoo Show

Dykes...

Ride With Pride

Bikes...

Opera House

Bridge

Nat, Alan And Me At The Chinese Gardens

Sydney From A Distance

The Boys Chillin' On Bondi Beach

Standard Sydney Tourist Shot

AJ With Drink

Three Sisters

Nat And Her New Woman

Lucas Cave

Alan, Nat, AJ And Me

Don't Touch The Walls!

Mardi Gras 2008

Hayley, Jaz, Me And Loody At The Railings For Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras Posse

Matt, Nat, Loody And AJ

Sky Safari

Taronga Zoo

Well I've Kissed Worse

Grr And Things

Watching Stuff Eat

Gorilla Lurve

Riiiiide Em!

Before The Soaking...

...And Piss Wet Through

Note The Only Four Not Wearing Ponchos

Freezin' Fucking Cold. Vodka Makes It All Good Again.

Three Dykes And A Bridge

Mardi Graaaaaas!

Anthony Canlicker And Alana Speed

Olivia Kuntz

Me As Anthony Canlicker

Alana Speed

Drag

More Drag

Drag Overload

Aforementioned John And Two Labs

Yet More Drag

Shy... Guy?!

The Good Ol' Sporties

PRIDE