Tiny Little NZ Road Trip - Koala Bear
So most people on Blogabond are off in exotic parts of the world doing noble volunteering stuffs and things and teaching deprived ickle kiddies and what not.
I'm in New Zealand and have...

Welcome To New Zealand, Eh Bro
Auckland, New Zealand
The question I get asked more than any other is, "How do you get through customs?" which is a reference to the unnecessary amount of metal I have through various parts of my head. My usual reply (which is always accompanied by a "my my aren't you funny and original and I've never heard that one before" sort of laugh) is "No worries, I never get stopped." Now I was never particularly good in English Lit, my understanding of irony isn't strong but I think this might be it.
Flying Hiiiigh
I Just Like This Photo Ok?
First Views Of NZ
Auckland From The Air
So I made it to New Zealand yesterday with only minor hassles and by minor I mean being accused of smuggling drugs by a dog with a penchant for squeaky toys being handled by an eight foot Maori woman. I may be exaggerating slightly but when you're sat there while a man shouts at you for putting your hand in your pockets with visions of latex gloves flashing through your mind things do seem a bit out of proportion, I mean, I've never been in trouble with the police or customs before. This was a whole new thing for me. I shake when I'm pulled over for a random breath test even if I haven't had a drink for three days. I don't deal well with people in uniforms thinking I've done stuff I haven't, I just ooze guilt from every pore, I feel like I have "I DID IT AND DAMMIT I'D DO IT AGAIN!" written across my forehead in permanent marker.
Before the customs guy searched my bag he told me if they didn't find anything they might strip search me and you know what was going through my mind? Honestly? All I could think was, fuck, I wish I'd bothered shaving this morning. If I was gonna have to get naked in front of strangers whilst stone cold sober I could at least look vaguely hot instead of having a minge you could sand door frames with. I made a mental note to improve personal grooming before any future flights just in case.
So he searched my bags and jacket, all the time asking me loads of questions about my drug use and have I come into contact with anyone who uses drugs and if I did drugs it was ok as long as I didn't try and bring them into New Zealand. He emptied everything out onto an aluminium bench, went through all my pockets (bear in mind I wear combat trousers, I'm a huge fan of pockets) and by the time he'd gone through my bags and found nothing he let me go.
Without a strip search.
Shame. It'd have been the most action I'd seen in a fortnight.
written by  Koala Bear on May 21, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip

Random Nuggets Of Information #5
Wellington, New Zealand
Getting to a new place and Settling In means I haven't had a great deal to blog about that doesn't involve stress and/or drinking. Fortunately my ego is big enough to continue telling the world all about me me me whether they're interested or not so brace yourself for a few paragraphs all about my first month in, as the locals say, Nu Zuland.
I have no idea how they'd pronounce "elocution."
Finding Work
Three weeks it took me to get a job. Three bloody weeks! I've never attended so many interviews that have those inane questions such as;
"Why do you want to work here?" (Because you'll give me money.)
"What's the most important thing you look for in a job." (Wages.)
"How would your best friend describe you?" (An anally retentive nerd with bad hair and appalling taste in music.)
"Describe yourself in 5 words." (Seriously? Ok. Cold, tired, narky and sexually frustrated.)
"And what could you bring to the company?" (Donuts on Fridays if that's what it takes!)
Eventually I got 40 hours a week in a national chain store where for the first time in 10 years I have to take my piercings out for work. Yep, I'm a corporate retail whore. Every day before work I put all my jewellery in little sealy bags and wave goodbye to my thought processes for 8.5 hours, then I don my bright red shirt complete with name badge in case enough of my brain disintegrates and I forget who I am and spend the day rearranging things on racks.
And How Can I Help YOU?
It's the most boring job in the world surpassed only by that time I decided that making plastic envelopes was a viable career option but it's a job init. They pay shit wages but they do pay wages and after all, that's the most important thing we look for in a job, right?
...Right?
New Wheels
I'm now the proud owner of a Toyota Camry station wagon. Thankfully it's not the 3.9 litre 6 cylinder beast my last car was given the shocking price of fuel over here but it's big enough to sleep two people without kicking each other in the head or waking up with cramps. And by waking up I mean from the kind of broken attempt at sleep that happens when you're folded in half on the back seat of a sedan. I'm also a bit disturbed at the longness of it and anyone who ever saw me try and park the Falcon will understand why but I love it. Not as much as the Falcon yet, I loved that car about as much as it's possible to love a car without it being A Bit Funny but I'm sure once me and the Camry (who is apparently called Harry) are on the road we'll develop that special bond that single people with no pets have with their vehicles.
Shaggin' Wagon
And In Other News
About 4 years after everyone else in the world I'm now addicted to playing Scrabulous through Facebook. I'm not very good at it though, I get excited if I can make words of more than four points and it doesn't help that I keep getting letters the Welsh would cream over. But come on, bring it on, I'll 'av ya.
That is all.
written by  Koala Bear on June 13, 2008 from Wellington, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip

One Month In The Capital
Wellington, New Zealand
With Wellington being the nation's capital an all that there are plenty of things to do to keep you entertained and some of them don't even involve alcohol. Most do involve coffee on account of the copious amounts of cafes, each one with its little fan club that claims it does the Best Coffee In Wellington. Well whatever gets your rocks off, once you've added the three spoons of sugar that makes coffee palatable it all tastes the same to me.
Aaanyway, here we go. Tourist type stuff I got up to before taking off up north to the nation's Should Be The Capital, Auckland.
Rowena's Lodge, Wellington
Me And Javier On A Night Out
Cable Car To The Botanic Gardens
On account of the fact New Zealand is made entirely of hills you'll find that some of the tourist attractions involved climbing up them or rolling down them. In Wellington they have a handy cable car that'll take you up one of the aforementioned hills up to the Botanic Gardens where you get to spend a few hours wandering round and looking at trees and more hills.
Wellington Cable Car
Wellington is one of those places that'll either get you really fit really quickly or have you crawling to the NHS and begging for a new pair of lungs.
Mount Victoria
Take a group of backpackers. Remove alcohol. Add boredom and a Mancunian bloke called Dan who suggests we all walk up Mount Victoria in the dark.
Welly At Night From Mt Victoria
It's a stunning view from the top in all honesty, I still haven't been up in the daylight though. When I pass back through I'll head back up there. In the car.
Red Rock Seal Colony
So you drive for about 15 minutes to the beginning of the 4WD only road, park up and begin the 1.5 hour trek to see the seals that are sprawled out over the rocks at various points along the walk. It's so cool to see them.
Lone Seal
I could so easily be a seal, me. I could get fat and blubbery and spend my days lounging around looking bored and stinking of fish. In fact catch me on any given Sunday and I'm almost there.
Getting Away
It took me a grand total of three days to get fed up of answering the retarded questions of people that in England we'd describe as A Bit Council and picking stuff up that the general public were too fucking lazy to return to the shelves themselves for a measly, piddling NZ$12 per hour so I handed my notice in and headed up to Auckland. It took a mere 10 hours by car to get there followed by about 90 minutes of driving round the city, swearing loudly at the map book which was clearly lying to me. After not being able to find the backpackers I was booked into I ended up in a tent for two nights at City Garden Lodge before there was room inside.
Auckland
As feral and outdoorsy as I like to think I am not even I'm happy about camping out when the temperature drops to 1 degree and you're kept awake all night wondering if the tent you borrowed leaks.
Fair weather camper indeed. I want to go back to the Tropics.
written by  Koala Bear on June 24, 2008 from Wellington, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip

A Word Of Advice
Auckland, New Zealand
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe it's because I'm weirded out by empty backpackers run by a man in a baseball hat that somehow looks slightly too large for his head and his European missus, or maybe it's just because I think you should be allowed to bring your mates into the place you're staying with it after all being your temporary home.
It could be because I resent being told I essentially have go to bed at 11pm because they're closing the TV room, communal area, kitchen and dining room at that time or perhaps its just because I prefer to do my own laundry as opposed to handing it over to two people who are barely about.
So yeah. Maybe it's just me that hated staying at Auckland International Backpacker in Parnell.
Probably because I have issues with people other than my mother washing the skid marks out of my knickers.
written by  Koala Bear on July 7, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Life So Far
Auckland, New Zealand
I'm ill and not "Where's All My Money Gone, Why Do I Smell Of Kebabs And What's This Traffic Cone Doing In My Bed" kind of ill.
More of a "Sat In The Office Coughing Into The Air Conditioning Whilst Wishing I Wasn't A Temp So I Could Take Full Advantage Of The Company Sick Pay Scheme" kind of ill which of course is infinitely worse but at least I'm legally allowed to bitch about it without smug looks from people eating fry ups. I've been nothing but ill since I got to Auckland.
And yes I said office, I'm a Call Centre Monkey again and no, I have no idea how this happened but my sanity already started packing last week and is threatening to move out permanently.
I do not like customers. I do not wish to service them. It doesn't help that customers take Stupid Lessons and are under the impression that their phone call is the most important thing to happen to me that day.
I wanted to work in a factory, I called the agency and told them I wanted to make the same thing over and over again for 8 hours a day because that's the kind of ambitious go-getter I am. Apparently they had nothing like that but they practically creamed themselves when they saw I'd spent two years taking verbal abuse off the good people of the UK because the inept depots once again failed to deliver their water on time and this was somehow my fucking fault. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Oh no.
twitches a bit*
I also spend 2 hours a day at the backpackers vacuuming, mopping and hoping to god that the wet patch I just put my hand in on a mattress was where someones hot water bottle leaked and isn't in fact piss and I spend Friday and Saturday nights getting a room full of queers drunk up at Family Bar although I'm not sure any of this will counteract the fattening effects of working in an office with a vending machine full of cookies and a Subway across the car park so basically I'm doomed, at least my waistline is anyway. And my pocket, I need three jobs just so I can afford the vast quantities of chocolate required to survive working in customer service and the vodka required to overcome the trauma of dealing with people who I'm surprised have the mental capacity to operate a telephone, let alone use it to call me and make my day miserable.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me I'm off to drink some tea and take calls from people who are under the grave misconception that I give a flying fuck.
written by  Koala Bear on August 25, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Magical Mystery Tour Of Auckland
So most folks on Blogabond are off in exotic parts of the world doing noble volunteering stuffs and things and teaching deprived ickle kiddies and what not. I'm in Auckland, NZ, trying not to get rained on and working in a call centre for beauty and exercise products and anyone who knows me personally will piss themselves laughing at that. Since I've been here I haven't seen much outside of the office or the night club I also work at so yesterday I dragged my Kiwi missus, Kama, and two of my backpacker mates round to look at some hills and stuff.
One Tree Hill
I'm actually a bit disappointed in the abundence of trees on the alleged One Tree Hill. There's definate tree related activity on that there hill and dammit there's more than one of them. The one tree the name refers to, a Totara, was apparently chopped down years ago. Then it got replaced by a pine tree which was attacked by Maoris and then, well, chopped down. So yeah, it didn't have much luck with its One Tree and all that remains is a stump and a fuck off great big oblisk.
Gregg And Bexster
The Last Bit Of The One Tree
And One Tree Hill is interactive, if you look down into the valley you'll see where people have gathered rocks and made big art such as their names and a large, smiley penis. We made our way down there to make some of our own. Ok well me and Bexster did anyway, Gregg and Kama stood around taking photos and generally mocking our efforts. Slack bastards.
Working Hard
Me, Bex And Our Downs Syndrome Smiley
We stole a circle of stones that was already there, had a brief attack of guilt before deciding that we weren't destroying a great work of art or upsetting anyones dead ancestors and made a slighty spastic looking smiley face.
Cunningly Arranged Rocks
Our Contribution To The NZ Landscape
Mt Eden
After the completion of our Special Needs Smiley and we'd admired it frm the top of the hill we headed to Mt Eden. Apparently you haven't seen Auckland until you've seen it from Mt Eden so we duly rocked up to take more photos of the city from the top of a big hill. The oblisk isn't half as impressive as One Tree Hill but you do get some pretty views and a crazy Asian lady thrusting leaflets about organ harvesting into your hands.
The Four Of Us On Mt Eden
My Girl And Her City
City Of Sails
Random retarded question of the week: "So is there, like, a harbour in Auckland or anything?" I was informed that Auckland IS a harbour then promptly ridiculed. Oh come on, I'm allowed to ask stupid questions, its the tourist in me.
The Harbour
Auckland Harbour Bridge
So the next stop was under the Auckland Harbour (duh!) Bridge for more photo ops and a wander round the marina in the wind. Fuck it was breezy yesterday, probably not the best day to spend mincing around near water or on top of hills but there was one more hill to go.
North Head
Then it was over the bridge to Devenport and North Head where it occured to me that the majority of tourist activities in and around Auckland involve taking photos of the Sky Tower from various look outs and points surrounding the city. I have millions of pictures of it from every angle and I have no idea why because it looks exactly the same no matter where you stand to look at it. I still fucking love it though.
Driving Over The Bridge; Which I Do Every Day
On Top Of North Head
North Head is laced with tunnels all through the hill that you can wander through and explore, its pitch black in parts, darker than a back room at a dodgy gay club but not quite as dodgy on account of all the tourists emerging out of the gloom. You don't really have a chance to give the place a bad reputation. Uh... not that we would, mum...
More About The Girl
And yep, I've met this lass and no, she doesn't seem to have too many Crazy Issues at this stage. She's an Auckland girl who I met at the call centre which means I probably can't keep her once I leave the country, locals just don't travel well once you drag them away from their own bed, couch and their hair straightners, but I'm trying not to think about that at the moment, we're just gonna make the most of what time we have.
A Windswept Kama And Me
Aaaand, I don't think there's much more to tell. She's 21, called Kama, lives out in bloody woop-woop at Muriwai Beach about 45kms west of the city and it amuses me that she always dresses for the office, even on a sightseeing tour of some hills.
Surprised She's Not In Heels An All
Ha, can't wait to see how she copes on the road for 10 days in January.
Photos:
written by  Koala Bear on November 9, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Sooky La La
Its visa extension time again which means being prodded by strangers that don't even buy me a drink first, bombarded with radiation and stabbed with needles that don't result in a pretty picture or a shiny bit of metal embedded in my flesh. Oh fucking yay.
Clearly I'm used to needles, I have several tattoos and my face resembles an expensive pin cushion, I should be ok with blood tests, right?
Right?
Ha yeah you'd think so. Last time I had blood taken I cried. Twice. They gave me a lollipop. I was 25. And watching Kama have blood taken the other day? The nurse was soothing ME through it.
So on Wednesday I get the chest x-ray and the blood tests done, I'm thinking about taking Kama so she can feel sorry for me but then that'd destroy my Butch Dyke Image I've so carefully crafted over the years, can't have people knowing I'm really gayer than a row of pink tents now can I. Plus sympathy is as alien to Kama as a sense of taste and style is to me, she's more likely to take photos and post them on Facebook than make cooing noises and promise me a pampering later on.
On Friday I get to go for a medical where hopefully they'll discover that a strict diet of vodka, cask wine and 2 minute noodles makes for a fit and healthy backpacker with no signs of malnutrition or vitamin deficiency.
Oh yes. I'm. So. Doomed.
written by  Koala Bear on November 14, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Now I'm No Expert...
X-Ray Vision
But is it seriously necessary to extract half the contents of my bloody arm just for a few fucking blood tests?! Anyway I survived it with only minor sobbing and they only had to get ONE extra nurse in to hold my hand. Oh and this is what I'd look like if I was transparent. And stood in front of a bench. Naked. Anyway. Visa extension application has been handed in and now I just have to wait a bit to find out if I have to leave in May or if I'll be allowed to hang around for a bit and take a bit more verbal abuse off infomercial customers.
On a brighter note, this is about as stressful as my life gets. Can't really fault that ay.
written by  Koala Bear on November 21, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Practically A Local
So my visa extension was approved and now I'm legally allowed to reside in the Southern Hemisphere until April 2010. Yay an things.
However this may have some severe implications for my hair, more specifically the back of it. Whilst mullets were outlawed in 1994 in most parts of the world, in New Zealand they're practically fucking compulsory and not those allegedly trendy Toni & Guy mullets either, more like those rat tail efforts so popular with rednecks and Australians circa 1989.
My hair has mulletous tendencies as it is, I spent years abusing it with peroxide and product and now it spends its time plotting a terrifyng revenge. Every now and then the back of it makes a break for it and tries to outgrow the top. I usually manage to catch it in time once I notice the horrified stares of bystanders but as mullets are as common place as sheep over here and even regarded as (shudders) acceptable my early warning system may fail me.
Hmm. I may need to invest in some hats.
written by  Koala Bear on December 3, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Practising Their Stupid
Ok so I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm just not cut out for the Being Nice To Stupid People thing that customer service entails. Try dealing with this every day:
Me: And your street number please.
Cust: Canterbury.
Me: The number, please.
Me: Is that a number?
Me: C for cat, T for tree.
Cust: C for tree?
Kama: B for bravo.
Cust: C?
Me: Please could you confirm your phone number?
Cust: Twenty first of the fifth nineteen seventy nine.
Me: ....Erm... phone number?
Me: Could I take your customer number please?
Cust: Is that the customer number?
Me: ....Yyyyeeeeesssss....
Switchboard: Could I please take your name and number and have an operator call you back?
Cust: I don't have a name or number.
Me: When did you place your order?
Cust: I don't know.
Me: Was it more than three days ago?
Cust: No.
Me: So it was less than three days ago.
Cust: Yes.
Me: Ok so it wont be in our system yet.
Cust: …errrrm…
Me: You placed your order less than three days ago yes?
Cust: No I placed it ages ago.
Me: Ohhh kaayyy! So you DIDN'T place it less than three days ago! Did you pay with a credit card?
Cust: No, it was cheque or money order thing…
Me: And did you get a payment slip off us or did you send in a coupon?
Cust: I havent sent it yet.
Me: Ok but did you call us to place your order?
Cust: I havent placed an order yet.
God I hope it isn't contagious.
Aaaanyway, only a week of call centre hell left and I'm outta here. Three weekends left at the bar plus new years eve which is fine because drunk people are easier to handle than call centre customers and probably drool less too then I'm back where I belong.
On the road.
written by  Koala Bear on December 12, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand

Northlands - Day 1
Kai Iwi Lakes, New Zealand
Before I buggered off around the rest of the country, me and Kama decided to spend a bit of time together so she got leave from work and we headed up to check out that little bit that sticks up above Auckland. She's been before with her being all local an all that and one place she wanted to go back to was Kai Iwi Lakes on the west coast so I stocked up on a million leaflets to line the floor of my car with, waited while Kama decided how many black eyeshadows she'd need for a camping holiday where we'd be sleeping in the back of a Camry and we set off up north.
Kai Iwi Lakes are stunning, unfortunately not so much in the pissing rain. We got the car arranged for sleeping in between rain showers, made a little den with cunningly arranged tarps and sheets then entertained ourselves by taking a million photos of the car and ourselves while we waited for the rain to stop.
It was here I got myself reaquainted with long drop toilets and reminded myself of a few dos and don'ts. Like, DON'T look down one at night whilst wearing a head torch and DO avoid splashback, whatever it takes. I began training my lungs to hold more air so I could start holding my breath for longer.
After a quick dip in the lake we were camped next to coz we couldn't find the showers we settled in for the night and watched a movie.
Roughing it just ain't what it used to be.
Since I moved to Auckland and got a job in a call centre my arse has resumed its campaign for world domination. All my waistbands are that little bit tighter and I can grab the rolls around my stomach and hook it over my knees. Not really about that last bit but that's the way I'm heading if I continue thinking that sitting down is the best thing ever and living by the rule that calories don't count if no one else sees you eat it.
Photographic Evidence Of My Arse's Intention To Take Over The World
Hopefully being back on the road will help me shed those extra kilograms so I don't have to buy new underwear (read: have mum send new underwear over from the UK) coz all my knickers have overstretched elastic and my tits escaped from my bra.
written by  Koala Bear on January 3, 2009 from Kai Iwi Lakes, New Zealand

Northlands - Day 2
Cape Reinga, New Zealand
So today was meant to be better for weather, we were meant to be having at least four days of sunshine. We chilled by the lakes for a bit while we waited for the weather to improve before deciding I was too soft to get in the water while it was windy and we started the drive to the top of New Zealand.
Next stop was at Tane Mahuta, NZ's biggest living Kauri tree. These things are monsters, seriously, never have I seen a bigger tree, its HUGE! It's hard to try and put it in perspective with photography but this is me sat in front of it.
Tane Mahuta
And this is where this country differs from Australia. If this was Oz there wouldn't just be the one tree. There would be millions of them and this one would be called The Great Kauri Tree and there would be postcards and embroidered patches to buy and a tree top walk. Over here you meander round, take as many photos as you can warrant of just the one tree and wander off, contemplating buying a hot dog from the single, lone food van parked over the road. You leave feeling distinctly un-treed out.
And then we drove. And drove and drove and drove right up to the top of the country where we set up camp for the night at a DoC (Department of Conservation) run site near Cape Reinga called Tapotupotu, set right next to this stunning beach.
Road Tripping
Tapotupotu
Shame I Can't Surf
Toooo Cold For Kama
I tried to drag Kama in for the obligatory Dunking Of The Missus but she was having none of it so I gave up and we settled in armed with a can of mozzie repellant because as beautiful as Tapotupotu is, its full of mosquitos. Its impossible to keep them out of the car and mozzies seem to like the way I taste, they were all over the toilet as well, every time I went for a piss I felt like an all you can eat buffet. Its what it must feel like to be a bit lower down the food chain.
I doused myself in dubious chemicals labeled "Tropical Strength," tucked my pajama bottoms into a pair of thick socks, pulled on a large jumper and snuggled under the covers hoping I'd have at least some of my blood left in the morning.
written by  Koala Bear on January 4, 2009 from Cape Reinga, New Zealand

Northlands - Day 3
Maitai Bay, New Zealand
As well as the holiday destination for every mosquito in the world, Cape Reinga (Te Rerengawairua) is also where the souls of Maoris pass on. They make their way up the country to a tree right at the tip whos roots guard the entrance to the underworld.
Its also where the two oceans meet and according to the Lonely Planet, on a rough day the seas clash together and generate huge waves. Ah well, we got our wish for nice weather, can't have everything in the world ay.
-makes mental note to work out a way to get everything in the world-
Cape Reinga
Where The Oceans Meet
Making Kama Be A Tourist
After spending a few minutes oohing an ahhing we headed down to the Te Paki dunes where a hippy lady will rent you a sandboard for $15 per hour. This is just about enough time to "get used to your board" on the smaller slope then trek up the Psycho Slope, allow time for your lungs to collapse in on themselves and your calf muscles to wish you a slow and painful death, slide down,lose your hat, try and decide how much the hat really means to you then risk rebellion of your limbs to retrieve the hat before collapsing a few yards short of your girlfriend whilst trying to manage to utter the word "water."
The Psycho Slope
Have you ever walked up a sand dune? Worst. Walk. Ever. And the sand is scorching hot an all, you have to keep stopping to bury your feet in the sand to cool them down. Kama is a firm believer that sand is for lying on, not walking up so she waited for me while I played on the bigger slope.
It was time for a quick, cold shower at the other campsite to remove the small sandpit from my cleavage before we drove down to the gumdiggers park to look at some holes in the ground then it was onto the Karikari Peninsula for a dip in Rotopokaka Lake, better known as Coca Cola Lake on account of the fact its the colour of Coca Cola; A less than healthy shade of brown.
Rotopokaka (Coca Cola) Lake
Apparently its some kind of algae which makes it that colour and its totally safe for swimming and really popular with the locals and no, its not fizzy much to Kama's disappointment. We cooled off and chilled out for a while before heading to the top of the peninsula to Maitai Bay and another DoC camp for the night.
written by  Koala Bear on January 5, 2009 from Maitai Bay, New Zealand

Kerikeri, New Zealand
Nothing much happened today really. It was actually quite chilled out for once, not a normal thing for me when I'm on the road and on a mission to fit as much into the day as humanly possible regardless of what ungodly hour I have to get up in the morning. We left Maitai bay and stopped off at Rainbow Falls in Kerikeri for brunch before heading to Opito Bay to kill some time while we waited for my cousin, Matt, to finish work.
Rainbow Falls
Matt had arrived in Auckland a while ago and promptly pissed off up to Kerikeri to find work on account of the fact they were staying at an X Base hostel which are generally overpriced, unwelcoming and full of wankers and him and his two mates got over it and left for the work up here. There seems to be quite a bit of seasonal work up here, something I did enough of in Australia thankyouverymuch. That's not a side of backpacking I miss, working your arse off in a field for shit pay in the blazing sun. But a side of it I do really miss is sitting round a table with a bunch of people who until a week or two ago were complete strangers, having a chat, a drink and a laugh. NZ is very different from Oz in that respect an all, at least it is in Auckland.
Sunburn Cure?
My Cousin Matt
Aaaaanyways, we just chilled with our Matt at Aranga Backpackers for the night, witnessed a random German man rubbing cottage cheese into his sunburn (a brief reason as to why I can't eat cottage cheese at the bottom of this post), listened to them talk about their day thinning manderins and thanked my lucky stars I hadn't had to work in a field for a while before crashing out in the two spare beds in Matt's dorm.
Why I Can't Eat Cottage Cheese; A Psycholgically Scarring Account Of Inappropiate Comparisons.
When I was about 11 or 12, or maybe even 13, I don't really remember we had The Talk at school, a talk all the girls had about the ups and downs of puberty and becoming a young woman. It was all about periods and stuff and things and one of the things I remember was how to recognise if you have a problem "down there." We were told you'd have a discharge from your vagina similar to cottage cheese.
And that is why, to this day, every time I see cottage cheese I think of diseased minge and therefore can't put it in my mouth and now you will every time you open the fridge and reach for something to spread onto your Ryvita.
Bon Appetite.
written by  Koala Bear on January 6, 2009 from Kerikeri, New Zealand

Paihia, New Zealand
The Bay of Islands is considered to be the jewel of the Northlands. Kerikeri is a part of it but all the action is down in Paihia which is still tiny but seems to be aimed more at holiday makers than backpackers in search of seasonal work so there's heaps more to do. Me and Kama had booked ourselves onto an afternoon dolphin tour so we left Kerikeri and drove down to Paihia, checked into the Pickled Parrot backpackers (which comes complete with dogs, cat and, of course, a parrot) and wandered over to the wharf to catch our boat.
Applying Make Up... Before A Swim Tour
Rocky The Parrot
These tours are swim tours, they give you a 95% chance of seeing dolphins but only a 50% chance of swimming with them on account of the laws governing swimming with dolphins such as, you can't swim with juveniles or if the dolphins are sleeping.
It was a nice afternoon out on the boat but the dolphins weren't up for a swim, they decided to have a kip just as we got there. They sleep funny an all do dolphins, they shut down a part of their brain but leave the other part active to stay alert for predators and so they remember to breathe.
After spending a while following the sleeping dolphins around the crew gave up and took us to a spot for a quick snorkel but not before they did try and get us in for a swim. Kama saw two swim under her, I wasn't in the water quick enough but I'll be doing this again on the south island when my sister comes to visit. Fingers crossed for better luck that time.
Yah We Look Hot!
Just As Charming Under The Water
We headed back to the backpackers, watched a movie and crashed out pretty early.
All this Not Sitting Down All Day was taking it out of us.
written by  Koala Bear on January 7, 2009 from Paihia, New Zealand

Tutukaka, New Zealand
This morning I was going parasailing on account of the fact I'm far too easily influenced by advertising and shiny posters. We were only looking at the little hut yesterday morning to check out the pricing for kayak hire but they had a poster up for parasailing around the bay so I booked myself in for a 1200ft view of the Bay Of Islands. Ah well, there are worse kinds of impulse spending I guess such as them little chocolate frogs they put next to check outs or 6 Big Macs and 2 large fries coz you went shopping with a hangover again and got distracted in the food court.
Its sooooo relaxing, seriously, no adrenalin at all. You kind of don't realise you're suspended 1200ft above sea level whilst anchored to a fast boat, you feel like you're floating, like when I went hot air ballooning, its so quiet and chilled out.
Then they reel you in, dip you in the water and get you back aboard ready for the next person to go floating off into the air.
The initial plan here was to meander down the coast to Matapouri which is a beach Kama used to go to when she was little but over the last few months she'd been having these, like, nausea/aniety attacks and she started having one now. She describes its as sort of like being hungover and being in a moving vehicle isn't the best thing for her so we missioned it down to Tutukaka with a quick stop at the Hundertwasser toilets in Kawakawa.
And yes, they really are just... well... bogs init. But at least they flush which is a definate step up from the long drops I was becoming accustomed to. There's a queue to use them though, I haven't had to queue for toilets outside of a night club since Brighton Pride when you had to start queuing for the portaloo at least 20 minutes before you even thought about needing to piss.
We got to Tutukaka where Kama decided she wanted to go home the next day. I was booked in for diving and said I'd drive her back once I was back but she decided to get her mum to come and fetch her instead. It didn't help that we were kept awake half the night by some NZ bird I can't spell or pronounce that has oversized feet and sounds like someone is strangling it.
Someone does need to bloody strangle it an all.
written by  Koala Bear on January 8, 2009 from Tutukaka, New Zealand

So Kama was picked up and taken home and I headed out with Dive! Tutukaka to check out the Poor Knights Islands from underwater coz you're not actually allowed to set foot on them. As we were heading out and were being briefed on the marine life we could expect to see the boat jolted to a halt and a lad ran down the stairs shouting, "the skipper's just seen another hammerhead!"
Hammerhead?
ANOTHER???
Oh how very fucking comforting!
After spending a few minutes looking for it for a photo op the boat started up again and resumed the course to the Poor Knights.
Diving in cold water is really different to the warm, tropical water I learnt in. In Fiji I wore a very thin body suit in a rather fetching shade of pink with only a few weights on my belt. Here they kitted me out in a 7mm 2 piece wetsuit along with 12kg of weights. I had to get help to stand up and could hardly reach my feet to get my fins on. Once I was under water it was all good but dragging myself back onto the boat was a mission!
And I got bit by a fish! Food bit me! Poor Nights is a 100% protected marine reserve so I wasn't allowed to bite it back so I contented myself with giving it dirty looks. Its not like being bitten by a small fish hurts, I've been nommed on my small fish before, its just the surprise that they're brave enough to have a go.
The diving was awesome, shame about the pics. I'm still getting the hang of my novelty Straps To The Wrist underwater camera so most of my pics came out blurry. Terrible photography aside, I had a good day.
Afterwards I drove back to Auckland two days early on account of, amongst other things, the crap weather forecast.
And this is where me and Kama finish. That wasn't the plan but since when does anything go to plan? If everything went to plan I'd have been back in England 7 months ago. This time away, living in each others pockets has made us realise how different we are, how little we have in common and how differently we see every single aspect of life. I'd still like to try and make it work with her when I come back to Auckland but she doesn't want to. Maybe she's right. We're two different people from two different and apparently incompatiable worlds. Ah well, I'll keep getting involved with people who aren't right for me and I don't know why. Maybe because it keeps things interesting? Who knows? A friend of mine once told me there's only so many times something can break before it can't be fixed anymore and it looks like I'm on a mission to test that theory.
But anyway.
Life goes on and so does the Tiny Little Adventure Round NZ.
written by  Koala Bear on January 9, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand

North Island Day 1: Auckland - The Coromandel
Mill Creek, New Zealand
Why is it that no matter how little time I've been staying somewhere and no matter how little stuff I have to pack it always takes me about two hours to pack the car up? Admittedly, most of that two hours is me staring at everything hoping that it might somehow pack itself but still. I was at Matt's for like, four nights and I managed to move my entire life into his place in that short space of time and spread it around the flat into every available corner. Give me another week and I've have redecorated and started picking out new drapes.
Anyway, eventually I crammed my life into the Camry and headed out west to pick Andrea up, the lass I'd be travelling with who I met on the internet about three years ago and only met face to face for the first time yesterday. She doesn't appear to have too many psychotic tendencies though but keep an eye out for headlines screaming "English Backpacker Disappears In NZ After Internet Meet". She's originally from Leeds but now lives in Ohio with her fella and her kids and she's also in the Guinness Book Of World Records for having the biggest appendix in the world ever. My only claim to fame is once, in the pub, I staggered up to the guy who used to present Run The Risk, a UK kid's TV program in the 90's and asked, nay, slurred if he was "the bloke off the telly" coz none of us could remember if his name was Simon Peters or Peter Simons. I may or may not have drooled on his shoes. I'm not entirely sure.
I digress.
I picked up my new buddy from her brother's place and we headed off to the Coromandel region, first stop being Hot Water Beach. The aim here is to battle the hoardes of other tourists for a bit of sand to dig a hole in so you can sit in your very own hot spring on the beach.
Sounds easy yeah? It's not. As you dig the hole keeps filling in with waters. You dig, it fills and collapses. You dig some more. You build a small wall to stop the waves from lapping up the shore into your hole but still it fills in. By the end of it you don't want a hot water spring anymore. You want a cold water pool and an esky full of ice and beer. Then you realise you've been digging in the wrong spot anyway and the hot water bit is 5 metres to your right.
And shit is it hot! Yeah yeah, I know the clue is in the name of the place, it's not Tepid Water Beach or Little Bit Toasty Water Beach but seriously, it actually hurts. It should be renamed Really Fucking Hot Water Beach although we were the only ones bitching about it. You can take the pom out of England but you can't take the whinge out of the pom.
You Have No Idea How Long It Took Me To Dig This!
It didn't take too long for the novelty of potential third degree burns to wear off so we headed off to look for a place to crash for the night. I'd told Andrea we'd be camping for most of if not all of this trip on account of my laughable budget and she was like "yeah I love camping!" before remembering she hadn't been camping since she was 13 and that was in her back garden. This could be amusing.
The first place we went to was full, the second wanted at least two of your four limbs for an unpowered site so we headed back up the main road towards a DoC campsite on the map but it was getting late. Then we passed a sign for a bird And animal park at Mill Creek that also had campsites available so we duly swung a left onto an unsealed road. It felt like we were driving for ages up this remote little road in the middle of nowhere, I had visions of mutants emerging from the trees wielding chainsaws and waking up nailed to a wall with one or more of my organs missing as the signal bars on my phone dropped one by one.
Just as we were about to give up and head to the DoC site there was a sign telling us it was 500 metres away so we carried on, followed the campervan sign and stopped. It was deserted. There was an empty caravan with an annex to the left which looked like it had been there forever, to the right was an empty field and a shed thing. Ahead was a little path that lead between some trees and you couldn't see what was on the other side.
I'd seen this movie.
Eventually we found the office round the corner and were greeted by an overtanned hippy lady clutching a duckling who took $12.50 each off us, gave us directions to the showers and told us to feel free to wander round and look at the birds and animals. She wasn't even a little bit sinister.
Andi And Her Tent. Proud As, She Was.
I kinda felt bad for doubting the place because it's actually really cool, they have heaps of farm animals and birds that they care for and the facilities at the campsite are brilliant. I jumped into the shower and a quantity of sand the Sahara would be proud of fell out of my knickers.
I spent the rest of the night expecting a phone call from Hot Water Beach asking for their sand back.
written by  Koala Bear on January 13, 2009 from Mill Creek, New Zealand

North Island Day 2: Catching Up With An Old(ish) Mate
Whangamata, New Zealand
We woke up in one piece having not been hacked to death in our sleep by marauding psychopaths, got our shit together and headed up to the town of Coromandel just to say we'd been there before driving back down to Whangamata where my mate, Alex, who I know from Wellington lives with his missus. He chops dead people up by profession but there isn't much call for that sort of work in Whangamata so he's currently assistant manager at the local New World which probably involves dealing with people with slack jaws and vacant stares (and that's just the staff) so he shouldn't feel like he's strayed too far from his profession. He's just not allowed to go at the customers with knives though which must be frustrating, I know, I worked at The Warehouse.
Something Alex seems to talk about alot are JAFAs which is Just Another Fucking Aucklander. They don't seem to like AUckland much in the rest of New Zealand, especially not in Wellington but y'know what? It made me realise how much I do actually love the place. I mean I love travelling round and seeing new places and I love camping out in the middle of nowhere and I love beautiful places in the countryside an all that but I realised that Auckland feels like home. I also realised that I was really going to miss it.
After catching up for a cuppa, we are all English after all, we headed to the wharf for some fishing where Alex managed to lose his $200 sunglasses. It might not have been so bad if we'd caught anything other than leaves but we left the wharf and tried our hand at kayaking and near drowning instead.
Alex And Me
Here's the thing about kayaking, I've done it a million times but I don't recall having to get past surf on a surf beach before. This time we did. Alex cleared the waves and left me and Andrea on the shore, we paddled our little hearts out and managed to get over most of the waves until one came right at us while we were side on and rolled us into the water. We weren't gonna be defeated though, we got back on and got through the waves to where the water was calmer and paddled ourselves out to one of the islands just off shore.
Me And Andi Looking Every Inch The Kayaking Professionals
Getting back was gonna be easy, the pros we were. We paddled ourselves back to shore, through the waves, aiming for the beach at a 45 degree angles just like Alex had told us. He sailed past us just as another wave took a disliking to the tourists and deposited me and Andi back in the water. We managed to hold onto the paddles but not Andrea's $200 sunnies, she managed to lose them an all, seems there's a direct corrolation between the price of sunglasses and how likely you are to lose or break them. I managed to keep hold of my $40 pair from the servo. Shame about my dignity.
Alex's missus, Claire, has a siamese cat that had kittens a few months ago so there were four kittens plus mum. God they're cute! And expensive, the kittens are like $500 each which is a bit steep for a tiny little weapon of mass destruction if u ask me. I love kittens though, these ones tear around the house, fight and play with each other before curling up together in a big pile of Cute.
And The Award For The Cutest Thing Ever Goes To...
Covered In $2000 Worth Of Pussy
After a meal and a game of pool at the local RSA we just chilled at Alex's with a few beers while I got covered in pussy.
Sounds like a damn fine night in to me.
written by  Koala Bear on January 14, 2009 from Whangamata, New Zealand

North Island Day 3
Karangahake, New Zealand
Before we left Whangamata Alec took us surfing in order to top up the salt water levels in our sinuses because clearly we hadn't experienced a satisfactory level of Almost Drowning the day before. We spent a good hour and a half getting thrown about and dumped by waves before we gave up and carried on our way towards our next stop.
Looking Like We Know What We're Doing
Wentworth Falls
The star he is, Alex had put us up in a proper bed last night and thank fuck he did because it totally pissed it down, storms and everything. If he hadn't then we'd have woken up somewhat waterlogged at Wentworth Falls DoC campsite which is the start of a walk to aforementioned falls so we dropped by on the way to check them out.
It's something like an hour and a quarter walk to the falls up a slight incline that runs by a river. Fuck it's lovely! I could happily spend a day here, chilling in the river, wandering up to the falls, camping out. Its stunning and the falls are brillint an all and it's well worth the "difficult scramble" to the base. You can swim in the plunge pool if you don't mind every nerve ending in your body going numb in the freezing cold water.
Instead of staying at Wentworth Falls we decided to try and cover more ground on account of the fact maps over here lie. Just because it doesn't look far on paper the roads turn back on themselves and wind their way up and down hills and have corners that if you take just a teeny tiny little bit fast the back of your car tries to overtake the front and scares the fuck out of you, your passenger and any oncoming traffic so we carried on to a free campsite called Dickey Flats near Karangahake Gorge.
Dickey Flats
Dickey Flats River
I seemed nice enough, right next to a river but it has the best hidden toilets ever, I know it has loos because a sign near the gorge told me so but we couldn't find them at all. I ended up holding it in until dark and sneaking into the bushes like the classy girl I am.
If Dickey Flats only had one river before it probably has two now.
written by  Koala Bear on January 15, 2009 from Karangahake, New Zealand

North Island Day 4: The Bet
Waitomo Caves, New Zealand
The trouble with free campsites is that sometimes they attract people who want to stay up all night and make noise which is fine unless me and my mates aren't the ones making the noise. Last night it was a group of Kiwi kids who, at one point at about 1am, drove a car through the busy site honking the horn. Their arguments which were conducted between 1am and 2am are as follows:
One of the lads is going to be "fucking killed" by the others and they made their way through the site looking for him. Loudly.
Girl number one seems to be after Girl number two's fella. Girl number two gives her blessing at the top of her voice with the words, "If you want sloppy seconds you can fuckin' 'av 'im!"
Girl number two is apparently having Sloppy Second's baby.
They made up and began singing to each other. No. Really. Actually singing.
It beats watching Eastenders anyway.
Anyway, first stop today was Karangahake Gorge for a bit of a walk before breakfast. It's a really nice walk, pretty short an all so you can do it before breakfast and not starve to death. There's a part of it called the Underground Pumphouse and they recommend you take a torch. The only torches I have are the ones I picked up from the $2 shop that are about as bright as Paris Hilton but we took them anyway and ventured into the cave.
Now Imagine Two Screaming Poms...
Clearly we both watch too much horror. We didn't even get halfway in, Andrea hanging a bit behind before that kind of fear you haven't felt since you were five years old and thought the gremlins were behind you overcame us and we legged it out of the cave like the soft bitches we are.
God I hope no one saw us.
Next stop was the less sinister Paeroa, home of the "world famous in New Zealand" Lemon & Paeroa soft drink. We bought a bottle and pulled the obligatory tourist poses in front of the big bottle.
L&P is a very very NZ thing and it's really popular. We don't have it at my bar in Auckland and when we inform customers of this we're met with a look of stunned horror and you have to leave them for 5 minutes while they recover and rethink their lives and their mixers. I haven't really tried it before, I'm a coca cola whore but we left Paeroa with me swigging the stuff from the bottle. I felt so Kiwi. I'll be referring to flip flops as jandals next and chasing after sheep on a Saturday night.
Luxury, Mate!
Tonight we'd be in Waitomo on account of the fact we'd booked ourselves in for some black water rafting action the next day, we were staying at a Top 10 campsite which had all kinds of exciting things such as a hot tub and a pool and no mozzies. There must be some kind of relation between the price of a campsite and how likely you are to get eaten alive by things you can't see until it's too late. Anyway. We got drunk and this is where The Bet was born, designed to get Andrea to do a bungee jump.
THE BET
If Andi does a bungee jump in Taupo I have to get a full minge wax. As in total. As in, not just the little bits round the edge to stop your dreddlocks sticking out of the sides of your bikini bottoms, every single hair on my private parts brutally torn from their roots. However, if Andi bottles out of aforementioned bungee jump she has to be my bitch for the duration of the trip.
Is It Legal To Sign Contracts....
...When You're THIS Wasted??
Shortly after the bet was made I text everyone I thought might have had a wax to gauge the pain on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being fine, 10 being Kill Me Now. So apparently it's about an eight or nine.
I'm so doomed.
written by  Koala Bear on January 16, 2009 from Waitomo Caves, New Zealand

North Island Day 5: Black Water Rafting
Waitomo Caves, New Zealand
The first thing I thought this morning when I woke up in the back of my car was, "Fuck! I'm never drinking and making bets ever again!" My second thought was, "Fuck it's gonna be cold in the water in them caves today!"
We dragged ourselves out of bed and arrived at the Legendary Black Water Rafting Company just up the road, signed our lives away and waited for the guides to show up. We saw a couple of folks walk in wearing harnesses and for one brief moment I thought I might have to entrust my life to a man with a mullet but they must have been on another tour. Our guides were Brydie who was far too enthusiastic for that hour in the morning and Cory who had wandered past us earlier masked in a pair of sunnies and clutching a cup of coffee. They proceeded to kit us out in damp wetsuits, a fetching pair of shorts, boots and a harness then they drove us to the cave entrance.
How Hot Are We?
Practising...
The harness was how we'd be getting into the cave, we'd be abseiling 40 metres into a hole after a quick lesson on how not to die when suspended by your genitals by a rope. Ok so maybe not quite the genitals but that's how it feels. Once we were all at the bottom we waited while the boys checked to see that everything was where they left it before the descent then we were lead to a flying fox and sent down it in the dark.
Note The Terrified Grin
So far so good. The most difficult part was trying to eat flapjacks with the chin strap from the helmet keeping my jaw in place. At least it was until they handed us a tube each and told us to jump 4 metres into the water whilst holding it to our arses and all without drowning please. Actually easier than it looked at first and shit it was fun! It IS cold but the wetsuits are brilliant so its only really your hands that feel like they're going to have to be removed on account of the frost bite. Once we were all in the black water we were guided up the tunnel to get an education on the glow worms which dotted the cave ceiling. There were millions of them and apparently they're not worms, they're maggots and the glowy bits are their arses and they glow coz they're burning off waste matter. So basically it's shiny shit. Nice.
They catch their prey in these snot like stringy things that look minging but y'know what? They can look as minging as they want while they're catching mozzies. Mozzies are my arch nemesis.
The previous night me and Andi had been taking the piss out of the retarded look on the faces of the people on the promo poster as they gazed at the roof. Once we'd been lead up the tunnel we had to link up in a train, turn our lights off and we were lead back down the way we came. I caught myself gawping up like a slack jawed imbecile, tongue lolling to one side. If I was drooling it would have just been perfect. In fact I probably was.
The tour was awesome, the glow worms were stunning and once we'd rafted and waded our way through the caves we scrambled up two waterfalls and emerged into the open, I for one was grinning like a Special, it was a brilliant few hours. The climb up the hill to the van was a bitch though but we were rewarded with a hot shower and tomato soup which, of course, I ate until I physically couldn't fit anymore in.
Once we were home we chilled in the hot tub until I'd regained feeling in my extremities and I resembled a hairy prune. I would SO recommend that tour to anyone. Maybe not in winter though. Unless you're hardcore or don't want your fingers anymore.
written by  Koala Bear on January 17, 2009 from Waitomo Caves, New Zealand

North Island Day 6: ZORRRRRB!
Rotorua, New Zealand
Upon entering Rotorua you might as well hand over your cashcard and your PIN number to the city because it's going to obliterate your budget anyway, there's so much cool stuff to do if you can get used to the smell.
Ah yes. The smell. You can't talk about Rotorua without mentioning the smell, it's sort of compulsory. Most people who've been to NZ are aware that Rotorua stinks like eggs. When eggs smell like eggs its fine but when something that isn't eggs smells like eggs suddenly it becomes so very very wrong. In some parts its rotton eggs, in others its not too bad but it's all on account of the fact the the whole place is built on masses of geothermal activity which can be viewed for free at a local park. Rotorua is also great because you can get away with dropping your guts and just blaming the steaming pools of sulphur. Bliss.
Be Glad It Ain't Smell-O-Vision
The weather wasn't great so we bypassed the Agrodome and I introduced Andrea to her very first backpackers ever and the joys of deciding who got landed with the top bunk. After sleeping in a tent for the last couple of nights she just wanted to be as far off the ground as possible so she was happy up top. By that time the weather had cleared up a bit so we headed back out to find the Zorbing.
Zorbing, for those who live under rocks or on Mars, is where they put you in a big, plastic ball and throw you down a hill. You can go down the straight track with one or two mates or you can go it alone down the zigzag track, either strapped in or with a bit of water for extra lubrication. Its. So. Cool.
When you first rock up you look at the slopes and they seem a bit, well, disappointing. They look a bit small from the bottom but once you're in your Zorb and you've launched yourself down the zigzag you discover they're plenty big enough but once isn't enough and it's a perfect way for filthy backpackers who've been living out of the back of a Camry to get clean.
A word of advice though; take socks. They only recommend you wear socks if you have noticably long toenails on account of the fact there are seams inside the Zorb that you can catch them on and pull them back. This freaked me out enough to head back to the car and ferret out a pair that you couldn't break with a hammer or that hadn't crawled under a seat and started building a nest.
We threw ourselves down a couple of times each, got well and truly soaked before Andrea changed into dry clothes and I kicked myself for not thinking about bringing dry clothes.
Later on, my mate Spiky came down from Auckland with Tash and Sam and we hit up Lava Bar for a few drinks where I highlighted the fact that I'm a total lightweight and got absolutely hammered. Cheered me up no end though after a random emo moment I'd had earlier. Spiky's pretty much been my rock since me and Kama split up.
Spiky, Me, Sam And Tash
Once I'm back in Auckland m'dear, me an you are hittin town. Vodka is the perfect cure for everything. Trust me. Vodka makes everything good again.
written by  Koala Bear on January 18, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand

North Island Day 7: I Love Rotorua
Rotorua, New Zealand
Rotorua is so NOT the best place to wake up hungover, as you wander through various pockets of stink your stomach alternates between lurching, wishing you dead and thinking, "Smells like... eggs... want eggs... bacon... crusty roll... lashings of HP and a cup of tea..." Not an ideal situation. Me and Andrea headed to town to say hey to Spiky an that lot and to decide what to do with our day on account of the fact the weather was still a bit shaky so we headed back out to check out the gondola rides and the luge because a couple we'd met in Waitomo has said they were cool. We couldn't exactly remember what the luge was or did because we were pissed but it was recommended so we felt obliged to check it out.
If you ever go to Rotorua, make sure you go here. For $60 we got a return gondola (basically a cable car), a go on the fucking amazing Sky Swing and five luge rides. The gondolas were your usual cable car ride, you go up, you ooh and ahh at the pretty views, you take a millions photos and you jump off at the end and decide if you want to luge first or Sky Swing. We decided on Sky Swing. Oh my god I wish you could upload videos to this thing, it was fucking amazing! I thought it'd be like the Sling Shot in Surfers Paradise where they catapult you up into the air. It's not. They sit you down and strap you in and a winch drags you up and up and up. Then you have to pull your own ripcord to release it and send you hurtling towards the earth.
One more time.
They make you pull. Your own. Ripcord.
I can't inflict my own fear, this is why I pay other people to inflict my fear for me. Skydive? No worries. Sling Shot? Not a problem. I don't have to do anything, I just sit back and its all done for me. I get my adrenalin fix, they get a large portion of my bank account, everyone goes away happy. I had to make Andrea do it.
Oh...
My...
Fucking...
Gooooodddddd!!!!
If you want the girly screaming in full clicky here ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/3231968215/ ) which will take you to an external site which also whores all my other photos and videos...
Once your legs stop shaking its time for the luge rides which is kind of like go karts but better in that they're gravity driven. They're really small, low to the ground and they're user operated by handle bars which to pull backwards to brake and push forwards to release the brake and roll downhill. Obviously the handle bars will make you go left and right an all, handy really on account of all the corners.
There are three tracks, the scenic one is an easy 2km ride to the bottom which they make everyone do first, the intermediate is a bit shorter and steeper and the advanced is a 1km ride with steep hills and nasty corners. As I rolled my way down the scenic track I wondered if you could tip them. I eventually decided that you probably couldn't, they're really low to the ground an all that so I decided to test this theory by taking corners as fast as possible.
Chicks Dig Scars
So yeah apparently you can tip them if you don't steer soon enough and slam into the tiny barriers which are about the same height as the luge itself. It turns out if this happens they do definately tip and send you flying head first into the ground thus potentially marring your perfect features and I now have a rather handsome graze on my left shoulder to remind me of this fact. Oh and for future story telling purposes I didn't stack it on the scenic track, clearly it was the advanced track whilst going over a jump.
The intermediate is cool if you don't mind kids tearing past you while you nurse your injuries but the advanced track is awesome! I still got overtaken by children but they bounce. After finding out that I most definately do NOT bounce I slowed down for the corners and dammit if I'd have had indicators I'd have used them too.
After suffering the trauma of falling off a plastic tray on wheels we'd had a quiet night planned but a couple of girls in our dorm had booked in for one of these Maori cultural experience things. Not really my cuppa tea but Andrea wanted to go and there was the promise of an Eat Til You Can't Move buffet so I was sold and off we went to Te Puia for a night of entertainment.
Now I've been away from home for just over two and half years now and one thing I've always insisted is that I'm not a tourist, I'm a backpacker. But I'd never felt like as much of a tourist as I did tonight, it was almost cringworthy. I mean, the show was good if you're into that kinda thing but damn it was cheesy. It was so cheesy that the smell of cheese almost overpowered the smell of eggs. But if you can get through that then the food is amazing, its a traditional steam cooked meal of meat and veg but there's also a salad and seafood buffet you can go and help yourself to. The plates they give you are small but fortuntely I'm skilled in the art of piling food up.
Once we'd eaten as much as would actually fit (and spot the backpackers, going up for more) we waddled to some tram things that would take us to their geothermal valley to see if the geyser, Pohutu, was erupting. It so totally was and it was fucking beautiful. I've never seen a geyser before, it's totally stunning.
I reckon it's worth the $95 if only for the feed and the geyser. It was pretty cool to see the Haka though and watching the fellas in the crowd get on stage and try and do it was hilarious.
We headed home and I spent the night admiring my wound and trying to decide if it made me look tough. Well I guess it might. If I lied about how I got it anyway.
written by  Koala Bear on January 19, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand

North Island Day 8: Paying Good Money To Roll In Mud
Rotorua, New Zealand
Grr An Things
Just when you thought you'd gotten used to the smell of Rotorua up crops Hell's Gate, a geothermal reserve with mud baths and sulphur spas and if you have a shit load of cash, massages. $85 got us park entry, a 20 minute mud bath followed by a sulphur spa which are both apparently good for your skin albeit not your nasal passages. Well I'd had my little heart set on a mud bath so off we went to check it out.
The park is pretty cool, you pretty much just wander round and look at stuff with steam coming out of it whilst trying not to retch too much. It's a striking landscape though, you can see where they got the name from.
As we wandered back to towards the spa area a man called Benji asked us if we'd like to carve patterns in some wood for free. Ah well, it's free init so we picked our patterns and hacked away at our little squares. It's quite cool actually and he even coated them in oil for us afterwards although I have no idea what I'm going to do with mine. The symbol apparently means "Strength" which lets face it, we could all use some of that every now and then.
Then it was off to the mud spa. Word of advice; Don't wear white or your best togs for this because they will not remain so for long. It also turns silver jewllery black so if you're quite partial to that ring your dear dead granny left to you in her will you might want to leave it at home.
I fucking loved the mud bath though, you jump into this warm, murky water and feel around the bottom for lumps of mud to smear all over yourself whilst trying not the think about how many people before you have smeared this exact mud in parts you don't wanna know about. Fortunately we didn't find any random pubes but the girls in our dorm did when they went a bit later.
You Know Ya Want Me
Once your 20 minutes is up they'll come and let you know, you have to wash the mud off you then get in the shower so as you're totally clean for the spa. The shower is fucking freezing! Like seriously freezing cold, I mean it must feel worse after you've been in a hot mud bath but come on! A cold shower? In a geothermal reserve?? What like they don't have any means to heat it up, the sadistic bastards?!
Amends are made in the sulphur spa, though. We soaked in there for a good hour until it was just too hot. We left maybe not looking visibly younger or revitilised but certainly noticably smellier. I'd go back though and recommend it to anyone with a strong stomach or who really really likes smelling of farts.
It doesn't matter how much you shower either, the trouble with Rotorua is, you can never tell if its you that still stinks or if its the bloody city.
written by  Koala Bear on January 20, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand

North Island Day 9: The Road To Taupo
Taupo, New Zealand
Lady Knox Bollocks
As you travel down from Rotorua to Taupo you'll notice a sign for Wai-O-Tapu Thermal Wonderland which is home to, as well as a huge park full of geothermal activity, the Lady Knox Geyser which apparently erupts ay 10.15am every day so we duly rocked up like the good little tourists we were to pay our $27 to witness it. I'd been wondering how it was so reliable, how did this powerful force of nature know to erupt every 24 hours, what with Time being a concept created by man? Well at 10.15am my questions were answered when a man with a bag of soap rocked up and announced that he would be inducing the eruption by tipping the soap into the geyser. Oh and by the way? All the rocks around the geysers were placed there for effect.
Meh.
Fortunately your $27 also gains you entry into the park as well which, as well as the expected steaming pools of stuff named after various things the devil might utilise (Devil's Home, Devil's Bath, Devil's Ink Pots. Satan seems to use Rotorua as a veritable holiday home) it has some really pretty colours, like someone went mental with several pots of paint.
The highlight of Wai-O-Tapu (meaning Sacred Waters but I think the hyphens were added to draw the tourists because tourists like hyphens) is the Champagne Pools, created by an eruption about 700 years ago. They're edged by an unnatural looking orange whilst the pool itself is an eerie green. The park is full of colours made from various oxides produced from the geothermal activity.
Champagne Pool
]
As pretty as it is both me and Andi were geothermaled out. What with Hell's Gate and the park in Rotorua plus this, it was enough geothermal activity to last us both a lifetime. We headed on to Taupo, home of the Great Lake which is pretty fucking massive by NZ standards. When I very first drove up this way from Wellington to Auckland I passed by the lake on SH1 and thought to myself how pretty the ocean looked today before realising how far inland I was and thanking the God Of Duh that there was no one else in my car at that time to hear that comment.
Lake Taupo; The Great Lake
The road to Taupo contains far too many distractions, the next one being the Huka Jet. We followed the sign in to check out how much it would cost and found ourselves handing over money in its various forms to get ourselves on the next ride. I have no idea how that happened. I should really learn to contain my impulse purchasing. Its cool though, I think it's a tad expensive for what it is but the guy who drove the boat was hilarious and, along with a few 360 degree spins we got up close with the stunning Huka Falls.
Huka Falls At 90% Flow
They're not stunning in the classic sense of a beautiful waterfall cascading down an ancient rock face into a tranquil plunge pool below, they're short but roaring falls that you daren't go anywhere near on account of the definate drowning that would occur. They open the dam at 10am, 12pm, 2pm and 4pm every day and these are the times to go and see them. We saw them at 90% flow and the most striking thing is the colour of the water.
And so onwards it was into the town itself where we got distracted by the parasailers. I'd already done it in Paihia but Andi shouted me another go because she didn't want to go on her own so we went and got ourselves dragged behind a boat at 800ft for a while.
Once we were safely back on ground we got some information about the famous Tongariro Crossing from a man in tourist information who had never done the crossing himself but had been talking about it for the last four years so clearly he was an authority on the subject. Gotta love scripting. Then we headed to Reid's Farm which is currently a free campsite next to a river pretty close to the town.
It awesome, one of a kind. Its regulary checked on by security so there wouldn't be a repeat of Dickey Flats and they ask you to fill out a questionare about the site, whether you would pay for the site, if so how much and the killer question; Do you think it should become a commercial campsite?
Fuck no! No way! There are so many commercial campsites around, they're ten a penny. Souless, charactorless places. Yeah, they have their nice facilities and the shiny tiled bathrooms with their flushing toilets but so what? Places like Reid's Farm are so hard to find. Relaxed, informal places where you don't have to rush to meet their 10am check out rule. Where you have your own kitchen in the form of your little gas stove, your own little rough pitch that isn't marked out with white lines. We need more places like this, safe places to camp without the formal, overpriced restrictions of a commercial camp. If that's what you want then fine, go and chose from the several in and around whatever town you're in but let us, who love to camp on a budget and don't want to be met at the front desk by a receptionist with a name badge and a list of rules, closing times for various amenities and a stern look to have our space. I'd pay to camp here, a minimal fee to help with the upkeep but please, Taupo, lets keep it at that. No one needs more commercial campsites. The facilites are above average for a free camp as it is. Don't change it. Keep that one things that makes this site shine out above all the others in the area.
Keep Reids Farm informal.
written by  Koala Bear on January 21, 2009 from Taupo, New Zealand

North Island Day 10: Flying High
National Park, New Zealand
Last night, whilst chilling by the river we'd managed to ascertain that there wasn't much to do in Taupo apart from kayaking and trout fising. We didn't have our own fishing gear and the tours cost a small fortune so we continued south towards Tongariro National Park, home of three of NZ's volcanos, one of which made an appearance as Mt Doom in The Lord Of The Rings. As you drive in it's all you can do to stop yourself veering off the road as your jaw hits the floor, it was a clear day as we headed in, the mountains looming into view. Mt Ruapehu is on the far right, huge, wide and snow capped, its beautiful. Mt Tongariro, the oldest of the three is on the left and rising up, a charred cone in between the two is Mt Ngauruhoe, better known as Mt Doom.
Mt Ngauruhoe (Mt Doom)
Mt Ruapehu
Scenic flights are on offer in Rotorua but I couldn't afford two and I'd had my little heart set on a flight over Tongariro National Park.
Correct decision.
Mountain Air run three levels of scenic flights in a little fixed wing aircraft with a propeller on the front. We opted for the $145 middle flight which would take us over the Tongariro Crossing which we'd be doing sometime over the next couple of days. It's fucking beautiful. Once Andi had gotten over the fact that she thought the pilot looked too young to be able to fly a plane we were off into the air. The pilot did tell us what was what as we flew over but I was too busy drooling on the window to hear him, I'm pretty sure my greasy little face will remain imprinted on the window of that aircraft for a while.
You can actually climb Mt Ngauruhoe but we'd been told in Taupo that it was a difficult, steep climb and looking at it from the air we couldn't see a single accessible path. It lives up to it's alter ego, Mt Doom. Just on looks alone, even on a sunny day like today you can look at it and imagine it being the setting for the end of the world as we know it.
I reckon I'll cme back here in the winter and fly over it again, just to see what it looks like under a blanket of snow.
Once our 25 minutes was up we continued to National Park village and tried to check into Howard's Lodge but were informed by a fat bloke that we were too early and no, we couldn't just chill there until 2pm and no, he didn't know what we could do for two hours to kill time unless we told him what we wanted to do. Rude fucker. If he didn't have my credit card details we'd have left and found somewhere else, National Park is made entirely of accommodation so I doubt we'd have had too much trouble finding somewhere.
Anyway, once 2 o' clock rolled round he told us that we should probably do the Crossing tomorrow on account of the weather forcast being a bit better than the Saturday. We booked out transport and mentally prepared ourselves as best as you can for a 19km walk.
This was so gonna hurt.
Talking of hurt, you'll also notice the lack of bungee action in this here Taupo post. That would be because Andi went and bottled it, she decided that no way would she be able to throw herself off a bridge so she forfeited the bet and is now officially my Bitch until she flies back to Auckland on the 27th. It also means I get to clog up National Park's drainage system with the small forest in my nether regions via the less painful means of shaving.
And for future reference, if I ever try and make a bet with you whilst under the influence of goon, especially if it involves me potentially waxing any part of my body, please, for the sake of my pain threshold, just confiscate my glass and send me to bed.
written by  Koala Bear on January 22, 2009 from National Park, New Zealand

North Island Day 11: The Tongariro Crossing
National Park, New Zealand
The Tongariro Crossing; The most popular and accessible day tramp in New Zealand. Oh, and a day tramp over here isn't the lass next door you knock off in your lunch hour while the missus is at work, tramping is basically hiking. It's a huge pastime in NZ, there are countless marked walks which are broken up with backcountry huts maintained by the DoC where you can spend the night and there are several which are classed as Great Walks. This is part of one of them. It's a 19km trek that starts at Mangatepopo carpark, takes you past the foot of Mt Ngauruhoe (with the option to climb it), across South Crater, past Red Crater and Emerald Lake then down to Ketetahi carpark.
Fresh And Ready To Go
Sounds easy. It's not, especially given that I'd just spent 6 months sat in a call centre eating cookies. The only exercise I'd got was the walk to the vending machine and back and a small amount of eye rolling whilst dealing with customers. Not good preparation.
We got off to a good start though, there were a few inclines but nothing we couldn't handle, it wasn't too bad and we made it to Soda Springs with only minor sweating and loss of breath. So far so good. We celebrated with sandwiches. Nothing though, and I mean nothing can prepare you for the next stage of the walk.
Knackered Already
Quick Tourist Stop
Part Of The Devil's Staircase
I'd heard tell of a section known informally as the Devil's Staircase. If it refers to this bit and, indeed, I can't think of anything else it could possibly refer to, then the devil had nothing to do with it. Something infinately more evil than beelzeebub himself created these motherfuckers. They take you up towards something called the Saddle, at least they do eventually after sucking your very soul from your being.
Andi stormed on ahead of me, I was buggered. Seriously. The worst thing is, just as you think it might be over you turn another corner and you're faced with more inclines and stairs upwards. It's soul destroying for someone who generally only has feet so they have something to place on the coffee table while they drink vodka and eat cake.
Utterly Destroyed
Come An Av A Go If Ya Think Ya Ard Enough!
It honestly feels like its never going to end but you know it is, that's what keeps you going. You could always turn back and scav a lift of a stranger at the start of the walk but why do that? It has to end at some point. It has to.
You finally make it to the Saddle and collapse in a sweaty, trembling heap onto the rocks, trying to regain control of your lungs as your life's breath seeps from you with every aching gasp...
OK, just me then. everyone else took a quick swig of water and decided if they were going to attempt the 3 hour round trip to the summit of Mt Ngauruhoe. A guy had passed Andi on the way up and the following exchange took place:
Guy: Your friend's struggling a bit back there.
Andi: Yeah I know.
Guy: Must be all that metal weighing her down.
Funny bastard.
And Photo Number 24,587 Of Mt Doom. Starstruck? Us?
If we had any inclination to attempt Mt Doom that bonfire was well and truely pissed on as we sat at the bottom looking up. We'd pretty much decided in Taupo that, movie star or not, neither of us was fit enough to do it. The walk isn't marked and the climb is proper steep, well out of the question given my inability to get DOWN hills. I have a tendency to slide down on my arse on account of my theory that you can't fall off the floor (just small, plastic trays on wheels only slightly higher than the floor) and I don't own any trousers than can take that degree of sliding.
Fair enough really, its Mt Doom, not Mt Happy Joy from "My Little Ponies Go To New Zealand." We continued on the walk, up another killer slope designed to destroy any remaining shred of energy I might have had left to the highest point of the walk, Red Crater. And yep, it's most definately red as I noticed once I'd dragged myself to the edge.
The Red Crater
Not Even Halfway There Yet
But once you're up you have to get down and as previously mentioned, going down hills aint my forte. Especially hills with loose, sandy/gravelly footing and a steep slope to either side when you're about as sure footed as a crippled giraffe. Have you ever started something you really wish you hadn't? It was hell. I wanted to just sit down and cry and the only reason I didn't was that it wouldn't have gotten me off that fucking mountain any sooner. At that moment, I'd have given everything I had just for a helicopter to come and lift me off the side and drop me at the nearest pub.
Less Than Impressed
Emerald Lake
But again, it had to end at some point so I hardened the fuck up and got to the bottom to the Emerald Lake feeling like I should be awarded some kind of medal. Not in the best of moods at this point but still, we werent even halfway to the end.
The rest of the walk is pretty uneventful. If anything its boring. Eventually you wind your way down to Ketetahi Hut and as gentle as the slope it, fuck it hurts. By the time we left the hut to finish the last two hours Andi was in a lot of pain. All you want is for it to level out and finish, we were so over it. Glad we'd done it but totally and utterly over it.
Tongariro National Park
We made it to the end just in time to get the shuttle bus back. 15 minutes later and we'd have been buggered. I can't say it it was the best day of my life but yeah, if you're fitter than me (and bear in mind I have the fitness level of a lazier than average sloth) its well worth it and for me it was good preparation for when my sister comes over in February and attempts to kill me. She's a personal trainer and I've asked her to get me into shape and she intends to do this with power walking, swimming, body weight resistance circuits and something called yomping which is apparently brisk walking interspersed with jogging.
Fuck me it even sounds painful! She's got her work cut out anyways. And here she was thinking she was coming away on holiday.
Once we were back at the hostel we showered and soaked in the hot tub and I vowed never to move again.
Made It!
written by  Koala Bear on January 23, 2009 from National Park, New Zealand

North Island Day 12: Glutton For Bloody Puishment
National Park, New Zealand
I woke up this morning and experimented with moving. It hurt. A lot. I lay there for a while contemplating how I was going to get myself down off the top bunk with minimal injuries when I ached in places I'd forgotten had existed. Somehow I managed it, made it all the way to reception to buy milk and instructed my Bitch to make me a cup of tea.
Then I got it into my head that the best way to combat the pain was to do another walk. Up another volcano. I decided to check out Mt Ruapehu so I headed to Whakapapa to get some information on going to see Crater Lake. Andrea came along for the ride, probably to point and laugh at me.
The nice people at the visitors centre informed me that I could see the crater on a five hour round trip, the walk isn't marked so you have to find your own way up and did I have good tramping boots and cramp ons on account of all the snow and ice? I don't even know what a cramp on is let alone know how to use one and as for finding my own way? I can't even find my way home without clear directions and a GPS system so I opted for the chair lift to 2020 metres and the 1.5 hour return walk to the top to look at the lake from afar.
Going Up...
View From The Chair Lift
And here's another difference between NZ and Australia. In Oz, when you're given an estimated walk time you can safely shave a good few minutes off it as those times are generous and probably relate to the eldery or otherwise slower than me. In New Zealand you can assume that the estimated time given only applies to you if in fact you hail from the planet Krypton and have a penchant for wearing your underwear on the outside. I generally have to add at least half an hour to allow for the gasping.
And so I dropped Andi back at home and eventually found myself up the side of a volcano wondering what made me think that climbing up aforementioned volcano might be fun for someone with a passion for vodka and sitting down when the day previous they'd dragged their out of shape carcass on a 19km hike.
Meh.
Chilling, Quite Literally, In The Snow
From what I can gather, Mt Ruapehu is the most active of the park's three volcanos and Crater Lake changes temperature according to the level of volcnic activity. It last erupted in 1996 and you can see pictures of it once you get to the top of the ski lifts. Mt Ngauruhoe hasn't erupted since the 70's but previous to that it erupted roughly every nine years so they reckon it's overdue an explosion.
Comforting.
It was kinda fun though, I told myself at the start that I'd climb as far as one hour would allow me which would give me plenty of time to get down including time needed to stop, have a cry and want my mum. And there's snow! I haven't seen snow for ages and y'know what? It's still as cold and wet as I remember it being.
Eventually my one hour was up, a guy coming down told me that it'd probably take me another 45 minutes to get to the top which would mean about 90 minutes in my world and then I'd have to get down and the last chair lift was at 4pm... Nah sod it. I built a little snowman and headed back down.
Denise The Snowdyke
And yes I know its got no arms. There's no twigs at that level. Its a quadraplegic snowman. And it's only a foot tall on account of the fact snow is really fucking cold and I wanted to retain the feeling in my fingers. I called it Denise because... erm... my mate Denise said I should. So really it's more of a snowdyke. A 1ft tall, quadraplegic snowdyke.
You don't see many of them up volcanos now do ya.
written by  Koala Bear on January 24, 2009 from National Park, New Zealand

Winding Down
New Plymouth, New Zealand
And it's a good job we were on a Mission to chill out for a couple of days on account of the sheer amount of things to do in New Plymouth which amounts to... well... sod all really. There's a big mountain but I think Andi would have hung me with my guts if I'd suggested we both go and have a look at the view from the top.
Oh, and there's a Wind Wand of course which is a pole that bends in the slightest wind.
Do You Need A Mop For That Mess You Just Made When You Came Just Looking At It?
I shall leave you with that so as you have some time to contain your excitement.
I dropped Andi off at the airport in the early evening and began the drive down to Wellington stopping on the way at a campsite a mate had circled in my map book, saying it was lovely and right by the beach. Indeed it was by the beach. It was also deserted apart from a tiny house on a hill, I was more freaked out than that time me and Andi had pulled into Mill Creek.
I wandered down to check out the beach then back to the car when I happened to glance up at the little house. Was that someone at the window? Were those curtains drawn before?
I jumped in my car and headed down to the next basic campsite on the map, keeping an eye in the rearview mirror for anyone brandishing a chainsaw.
And in the event I do get hacked to death in my sleep and there's nothing else to read for a while, check out some photos from the trip instead:
written by  Koala Bear on January 27, 2009 from New Plymouth, New Zealand

Random Emo Moment
Wanganui, New Zealand
As well as a bog standard Looky Where I've Been travel blog with which to bore my friends and family these pages serve as kind of a diary, sort of something to show the kids when I'm older. By kids or course I actually mean cats which will I shall refer to as "my children" in a creepy Wicked Witch Of The West type voice and they shall follow me around my house at the end of the road that all the local kids avoid because it belongs to the Mad Cat Lady who mutters to herself and smells faintly of pee.
Anyway.
Basically it means that sometimes, just sometimes, you end up with bollocks like the following.
While I was holed up in the back of my car last night in the howling wind and pissing rain I was overcome by a gut wrenching lonliness. It really hit me that once I'd gotten back to Auckland I'd be starting again from absolute scratch. One day I was going back to my girl and a life and I was looking forward to settling down for a year with her in town, building a life together and the next day I had nothing. I'd spent all my time with Kama and hadn't spent time meeting people, making friends, the usual things you do when you get to a new place.
I could count my mates on two hands and most of them would be gone by the time I got back, the backpackers having flown back to their respective countries, the locals moving on with their lives with plans of their own to travel or move overseas. But ya know what? I've started from scratch so many times I'm sure I can do it again. I just wasn't expecting it.
I wasn't expecting the break up and I think this is why I'm finding it so hard. Every other girl I've got involved with since I left England, we've known from the outset exactly when it would end. As strongly as I felt about Toni we always knew we'd just be ships passing in the night, I never even expected to see her again in Alice Springs. Even with Irma, she was always going to leave and we knew exactly when, it was hard but we were prepared for it. I was prepared for it. As for Emma, after two and a half years together the relationship had run its course, even though I wasn't expecting it it was welcome, we'd had our time together and the break up was relatively easy.
When Kama finished us it was so sudden and even though we weren't getting on it was so unexpected, I'm really struggling to let it go because there was no attempt from her to talk about it, to try and resolve it.
But I'm going back to Auckland regardless. Yeah I know I don't have to but I love it there and like I say, I might not know many people there but the ones I do know are fantastic, its quality, not quantity that matters, right?
written by  Koala Bear on January 28, 2009 from Wanganui, New Zealand

Back At Rowena's Lodge
Wellington, New Zealand
So I was gonna hang around Taranaki for another couple of nights so I could climb that mountain but eventually I decided against it. Its a big scary mountain and I didn't want to do it on my own and anyway, Wellington has plenty of hills that resemble mountains so I headed back down to the nation's capital to catch up on my blog because there's no decent internet between Auckland and Wellington. Seriously, its like an abyss. I also wanted some time to just chill out try and get the smell of sulphur out of my towels.
Oh yeah, and there's another handy hint if you go to Hell's Gate in Rotorua. Wear old togs, take an old towel, shower properly and when you're done put the togs and towel in a bag and incinerate them or you'll spend the rest of your days wandering round smelling like an egg salad.
There's goes any hope of my rebound shag.
Anyway, I checked back into Rowena's Lodge up in Mt Victoria and guess what? It's STILL full of crazy people! Just as I was chatting to a girl who was telling me all about how she's on benefits but wants a job but can't write a CV on account of her "disorder" and probably should go to her drug and alcohol rehab courses, a condition of her probabtion, before they resentence her for her two counts of assault with a blunt weapon and one count of stealing a car and trashing it, a man known only as Bush Man (on account of the fact when he first got to Rowena's he slept in the bushes) rocked up clutching a beer, fresh from court after being"convicted and discharged" for breaching the liquor ban and arguing with cops.
I'm so sleeping with the car door locked these next couple of nights.
Although in all fairness, the crazy people are generally pretty cool once you get to know them. I mean, last time there was Cheryl who told me all about her P addiction and the fact she'd lost her kids because she couldn't get a job or a place so her kids are in foster care but she really wants to clean herself up and get her kids back but she can't get work for all kinds of various reasons. As unstable as she seems she's actually lovely once you can tear your eyes away from the scabs round her mouth, she came out with us one night and we had a blast.
But somtimes they're not so cool, there was Ashika, the terrifying little Fijian girl. We called her Little Box Of Fear, she was tiny but she'd go off on these rants either to herself or at people about the craziest things, usually god and she'd become convinced that she'd known you for years and you'd somehow wronged her in the past. She was also a swine for robbing your food and booze an all. She was absolutely terrifying, the kind of scary where you're convinced if you say her name 5 times in the mirror she'll come and carve your guts out with a hook.
I do kinda like this about Rowena's Lodge though, it takes your expected bunch of international backpackers and mixes them up with people from the community centre who have nowhere else to go, plus locals who just find it easier to live there than move. The result is a colourful and interesting band of people from all walks of life, you meet people who you would never have normally met and let's face it, that's a massively important part of travelling.
Anyway, I'm only here for a couple of nights before I catch the ferry to the south island. Might as well pick up here where I left off last time. If you need me I'll be out front having a beer and hoping that everyone remembered to take their meds.
written by  Koala Bear on January 29, 2009 from Wellington, New Zealand

Harden Up, Princess
On account of the fact I'm a cheapskate my ferry to Picton on the south island was the Stupid O Clock ferry due to depart at 1.55am on the Saturday morning which meant I got to spend all of today chatting online, shopping for clothes that don't smell like eggs (I'm actually having to replace most of my wardrobe, it might actually be cheaper to just move to Rotorua so no one will be able to tell if its me that stinks or the city) and chilling at Rowena's.
It was probably a combination of the retail therapy, touching base with a couple of folks back in Auckland as well as Loody over in Australia and maybe even being back at Rowena's Lodge, right back where I started when I first got to the country and catching up with a couple of the old faces there but whatever it was, I realised I'm happy. Properly, truely, happy. Not just the kind of happy that you are because you're distracted, you're chatting to a mate or rolling down a hill in a big plastic ball or swimming around in a cave full of glow worms. It's the kind of happy where, even on your own, left alone with your thoughts, you still have that feeling of inner bliss.
Well it fucking took long enough! I was only with the girl for 3.5 bloody months for fucks sake! I usually leave a good couple of years between proper relationships because that's usually how long it takes me to remember how pointless they are and how bad I actually am at them. I'm not girlfriend material, me. I'm moody and demanding and much easier to get on with once you learn to worship me and yes actually that was the world you just saw revolving around me now where's my cup of tea, wench? Fortunately Kama reminded me of this in record time leaving me to enjoy singledom again. And I do enjoy being single. And in all honesty I was with her for ALL the wrong reasons.
Aaaanyway, thats enough of that emo bollocks for now thankyouverymuch. I've dragged myself out of the pit of self pity I was having a damn good wallow in and the cynical, anti-romantic bitch is back.
I'm off to kick some puppies.
written by  Koala Bear on January 30, 2009 from Wellington, New Zealand

Killing Time
Nelson, New Zealand
I rolled off the ferry in Picton at about 5.30am and began the drive towards Nelson. Yeah yeah I know Nelson is a tiny bit out of the way of Christchurch which is where I'd be meeting my sister in a couple of days but despite all this new found inner peace happy happy joy joy bollocks I'd still take company over a night on my jack. Nils who I used to work with at Family was over Nelson way so I was heading over to chill with him for a few hours.
As I drove west it started to get light so I pulled over to watch the sun rise over the Marlbrough Sounds and get eaten alive by mosquitos. Kind of like a symbolic new start an all that. Not getting eaten by mozzies, just the Sunrise bit.
Symbolic New Start
I rocked up, checked into my backpackers and was told I could walk up to the Centre Of New Zealand in about half an hour from there so off I trotted to check it out and whilst it's definatly more accessible than the centre of Australia its still at the top of a big fucking hill.
No surprise there then. Plus I decided to do it on the hottest day in the world ever so by the time I get to the top I was sweating like a paedophile in a Barney suit. As I collapsed at the top an older couple rounded the corner hardly even out of breath. The shame. I really need to do something about my fitness levels ay.
Nelson is billed as the sunniest place in New Zealand and it didn't disappoint, today was scorching hot, definately not the kind of weather to be wandering up hills in. More of a sit in a beer garden pressing glasses full of ice to your face and drinking too much beer kind of weather so as soon as Nils rocked up we did just that until the combined lack of sleep between us got the better of us and we caved.
I shouldn't be allowed to live opposite pubs. Far too lethal.
written by  Koala Bear on January 31, 2009 from Nelson, New Zealand

Catching Up
Christchurch, New Zealand
My sister, Natalie, is a tea-total, vegetarian and a qualified personal trainer with a cat and a dog and a mortgage. She enjoys things such as snowboarding, cycling, running, rowing and other Moving About stuff.
I'm pretty sure we're not really related.
Her fiance, Shane, is equally fit. He's also into snowboarding and running and also off road mountain biking and things that make you sweat in an unpleasant manner.
But it doesn't matter how fit you are, 27 hours either sat on a plane or in transit will turn anyone into a pale, red eyed zombie. I met them at the airport, they were totally shattered but starving so we headed into town for a feed.
It was like Return Of The Living Dead, I half expected them to foam at the mouth and lunge at passers by screaming "braaaaiiiins!"
Christchurch Cathedral
Its awesome to see them both though after over 2.5 years. When they decided they wanted to come and visit we decided on the south island on account of the fact that's where Queenstown is and for some reason they thought that throwing themselves off stuff would make for a relaxing holiday so after we'd eaten I dropped them at their accommodation with some teabags (you can take the poms out of England...) and enough leaflets and maps to make a rainforest cringe so they'd have some idea of what they'd let themselves in for over the next three weeks.
Bring on the South Island tourist whirlwind.
written by  Koala Bear on February 2, 2009 from Christchurch, New Zealand

South Island Day 1: Dolphin Swim Without The Swimming
Akaroa, New Zealand
Nat and Shane's biggest worry this holiday was accommodation but they got around this by simply renting a small mansion on wheels, they got the biggest camper that Jucy do complete with toilet and shower and the kitchen sink.
The Fun Bus
After they'd picked it up we headed out down the Banks Peninsula on account of the fact you can swim with dolphins down IN Akaroa. They're not very big dolphins, they're Hector dolphins, the smallest in the world and they're only found in New Zealand so we got ourselves kitted out in some very fetching wetsuits and sailed out to find some.
This is the most chilled out swim tour I've been on, usually you're handed a mask, snorkel and a pair of flippers and are thrown in the water and instructed to keep up with creatures more suited to the water than you resulting in a flailing mass of limbs as the animal rolls its eyes and pisses off to the depths again. This is a VIP tour, the dolphins come to you, its more of a float tour than a swim tour. Its fucking awesome, we saw heaps and they come right up to you.
After a good hour floating around and seranading dolphins with renditions of Katy Perry through my snorkel we got back onto the boat and headed back to land then onto our camp for the night which was a well cheap place at Amberley Beach. Shane was happy, he decided we were out in the wild despite the street lighting, electric hook up point, full phone signal and flushing toilets.
Ha, just wait til I introduce them to long drops.
written by  Koala Bear on February 3, 2009 from Akaroa, New Zealand

South Island Day 2: Seal Bothering In The Rain
Kaikoura, New Zealand
Yesterday was a wicked start to the holiday but today was rained off a bit. We drove up to Kaikoura to go whale watching but the ocean swell and the weather in general meant it was cancelled, probably a good thing given my inability to keep the contents of my stomach in place on rough seas. This is when we discovered that there's not much to do in New Zealand when its raining so we headed down to a campsite right by the sea so we could go seal bothering a bit later if the rain eased.
Goose Bay
Rained Off
So it was pretty much an afternoon of drinking beer (me and Shane) and Nintendo DS (Nat) and making a vague plan of where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. Eventually we dragged Nat away from her DS kicking and screaming to go and look at some seals because I'm a perpetual tourist and must do stuff all the time. Last time I went seal bothering it was grey and miserable an all. I now associate seals with crap weather.
Spot The Seal
On A Mission For Seals
Anyway, tomorrow the exercise would begin. Nat has plans for me that include something called Yomping which is apparently power walking interspersed with 60 seconds of jogging and I was talked into this after she threatened to take me jogging.
Right. Like thats ever going to happen.
written by  Koala Bear on February 4, 2009 from Kaikoura, New Zealand

South Island Day 3: Whale Watching
Kaikoura, New Zealand
Yomping. I know its the lesser of two evils but its still horrible. Nat set off at a pace I struggled to keep up with before she announced that that was her normal pace and the power walking would start any minute now.
I'm so doomed.
But on a brighter note the whale watching was on today albeit with seasickness warnings so I prepared myself for the fact that Kaikoura might just find out what the inside of me looks like. Ginger tablets were on sale in the gift shop but we stayed away from the hippy shit and nommed a tablet from the chemists each.
Obligatory Tail Shot
The highlight of the tour is the sperm whale, they average about two per trip but we saw five so we were well chuffed with that. And here's why they're called the sperm whale and no, it's not the reason the sea is salty. Back in the day, when they first caught one they pulled it in and when they opened up its head, litres of this milky looking oil gushed out. So being simple men and probably a bit pissed they decided that it must be the whale's sperm and, of course, what better place to keep your spunk than in your head, right? This theory was well and truly pissed on when they caught a female sperm whale and she had a head full of the same oil.
I don't know why they have a head full of oil that apparently looks like jizz but yeah, that's how they got their name.
Spot The Whale
The seasick pills worked and we retained the contents of our guts and headed back to land then onto Hanmer Springs where we spent the night at a campsite not far from the township. And and and! They had a trampoline! Not that I'm any good at trampolining beyond bouncing up and down and graceful is not a word that could accurately describe aforementioned bouncing as good as I think I look.
I don't look good. I look good in the stills but I watched the video back and I look like I'm having a fucking fit and not once did my feet hit the deck before my arse while I was attempting somersaults.
Aaaanyway, enough about my athletic shortcomings. The most energetic thing I'd have to do tomorrow would be walking to the hot pools and back. Definately more my league.
Sunset Over Hanmer Springs
written by  Koala Bear on February 5, 2009 from Kaikoura, New Zealand

South Island Day 4: Sulphur. More Bloody Sulphur.
Maruia Springs, New Zealand
We waved goodbye to the trampoline and headed into the Hanmer Springs township for about 9.30am. The pools don't open until 10am so we chilled in the van drinking tea while we waited for it to open and watching the queues of people mount up... and up... and up. Even after the doors opened they continued to queue out the door and the queue was full of kids and old people and kids and old people don't always have have full control over their bladder so we carried on to the Japanese style Maruia Springs which has hardly any tourists. At all. It's awesome.
So no sooner had I got the smell of sulphur out of my togs we found ourselves up to our necks in a geothermal spring. Clearly sulphur is my future now. I shall return to Auckland reeking of eggs while people cross the road to avoid me. They'll smell me coming a mile off, take a minute to work out if the drains are backing up before realising its just me and getting the nose pegs out. Ah well, at least I'll be able to scoop a fart out and no one will know the difference.
Sitting In A Bath Of Arse Getting Nommed On By Flies. Fun.
Maruia Springs
I loved it though, I heard Hanmer was pretty much just like swimming in a normal pool only its hot whereas Maruia give you a choice of sex segregated Japanese bath houses or the unisex outdoor rock pools. It would have been perfect if it wasn't for the biting flies, me and Shane stuck it out for a while but Nat figured that sitting in a pool that smells like arse whilst being dinner for insects wasn't her cup of tea and retreated to the cafe.
If you do check out Maruia (and you really really should) just take heaps of insect repellant and whilst, yes, it stinks it's not half as bad as Rotorua.
Then it was onwards to a campsite near Franz Josef called Okarito where you can rent overpriced kayaks or go kiwi stalking at night. The kiwi stalking guy only goes 5 nights out of 7 and tonight was one of his nights off but he told us where to walk, what time was best and what to listen for although by now it had started drizzling. Still, if you don't go out you ain't gonna see them ay.
Obligatory Kiwi Sign Photo
So once again we found ourselves walking in the rain in search of NZ wildlife, this time in the dark with my pitiful excuses for torches. And we didn't find any kiwis either, its really hard to listen for footsteps in the leaves when there's rain falling on the leaves. So basically we went for a walk in the dark up a random hill and sat there for 20 minutes listening to the rain and pretending that they were kiwi footsteps we were hearing.
We headed back to the fun bus, banished my swimsuit to the roof of my car and settled in for the night.
written by  Koala Bear on February 6, 2009 from Maruia Springs, New Zealand

South Island Day 5: Sod Off Great Big Lump Of Ice
Franz Josef Glacier, New Zealand
We'd officially entered sandfly country and for some reason stuff that sucks blood seem to like me. Mozzies, sandflies, women etc. I love Aeroguard but sometimes I get edgy about spraying myself repeatedly with chemicals that can melt plastic and strip paint so we stopped off at the local shop to get the all natural sweet almond oil/citronella oil mix they sell here in Okarito. It smells ok but shit it's greasy. I smeared it on any potential sandfly breakfast spots and headed to Franz Josef feeling like I'd fucking basted myself. You really do need some kind of repellant though, Shane tries not to use the stuff and his legs were starting to resemble a pin cushion.
Me and Shane had booked ourselves onto the half day Fox Glacier walk for tomorrow, Nat hadn't on account of the fact she's not that bothered about looking at ice but we stopped off at Franz Josef to check out a couple of the unguided walks round the glacier without getting too close.
Franz Josef Glacier
And Would Madam Like Anything Off The Death Menu?
And you really don't want to disregard the warnings and jump the rope. You're fucked really. You can have rocks fall on you, be washed away, have ice fall on you and if you're really unlucky have ice fall on you THEN get washed away while onlookers roll their eyes an tut and prehaps point at the idiot. And to be honest its a fucking huge lump of ice, you can see it from miles away, there's really no need to give in to the overwhelming urge to run over there and lick it. Uh... not that I... um... want to... nevermind...
After we'd got our oversized popsicle fix and viewed and photographed it from every possible angle we headed further down towards the township of Fox Glacier which is heaps smaller than the Franz Josef township and has less tourists. It's also home to Lake Matheson, also known as The Mirror Lake. At least it is on a windless, clear day unlike today.
Not Quite The Mirror Lake Now Is It?
We couldn't even see the mountains in the background so we stared at an eel for a while and tried to get it to eat stuff but we dont really know what eels eat so that soon bored us and we headed off to our camp for the night. You can actually camp for free next to a stream a bit further along from the main Lake Matheson carpark so we thought we'd give that a go for an afternoon of washing in the stream and playing cards.
And oh my god, I don't usually make food recommendations but if you ever end up at Fox Glacier and fancy some good nom then check out the Plateau Cafe Bar thingy and get the seafood laksa. Oh my god its like an orgasm in a bowl, its fucking incredible. I could stuff my face full of it all day and hang the weight loss program, I'm a lesbian, I'm genetically programmed to be fat anyway and if this is how I was going to do it then I'd be the happiest dyke ever.
Nomming on fish...
written by  Koala Bear on February 7, 2009 from Franz Josef Glacier, New Zealand

South Island Day 6: Ice Ice Baby (Sorry, I Couldn't Help Myself)
Fox Glacier, New Zealand
I woke up having been a sandfly banquet and thanked my lucky stars that I had enough blood to function with. So much for the natural essential oil bollocks ay, fuck your hippy shit I'd like my DEET back now please.
However I also woke up to this view:
Dawn
Oh New Zealand, I can't stay mad at you for long.
Me and Shane left Nat at the fun bus and headed into town for our Fox Trot walk on the ice. On arrival we were given a safety brief and had to swap our shoes for boots that were compatible with their crampons which would be fine but I swear they were lined with lead. They were heavy as and I had to wear two pairs of socks to make them fit.
As we were putting on our concrete shoes they started telling us what to expect on the walk. First we had to get to the ice, this involved a walk through the valley to the face of the glacier and then we were to walk up 700 steps.
Fox Glacier
No, my finger didn't slip on the zero key then. Seven hundred fucking steps in the heaviest boots in the world which feasibly could be used to beat the guide round the head with at the top of aforementioned steps. Making me climb up steps is worse than PMS and when I get on the PMS its time to hide the sharp pointy objects and anything heavy enough to be used as a blunt instrument. And what is at the top of the 700 steps you might ask? Oh, only a 150m drop to the right although in all honesty I was more worried about the steps than the drop.
So off we went to the glacier and my potential doom. And yeah, it's hard work but I seriously pushed myself. It would have been easier if I didn't have tombstones strapped to my feet but I was well impressed with myself for not actually having a cry or a tanty the whole way up and I even managed to keep up with the guide for most of it. Yes, I'd like my medal now please.
Like The Boots?
Just as my legs were about to give up we made it to the start of the ice and got our crampons on. We were told to keep our weight in the centre of our feet and dig the crampons into the ice as we walked resulting in a stampy, flatfooted walk as if you were having a little tanty and storming out of the room with a flick of your hair. If you have hair. If you don't then a flick might just look a bit gay.
But anyway, after attaching the spikes to our boots we made it onto the ice, some of them brandishing walking sticks. Me and Shane decided against the stick on account of the fact of I was to slip I'd want to be grabbing onto something that was less likely to come with me. Such as the bloke at the front that just made me walk up 700 steps.
It's stunning once you're up there though, this will probably be the first and last time I'll ever walk on ice like this on account of my aversion to being cold but to experience walking on a glacier in the middle of a New Zealand summer was awesome.
It wasn't that long ago, a matter of months when the Fox Glacier was the site of two deaths. Two lads had jumped the rope barriers and made their way to the face of the ice and as they were looking up and their family watched on a huge chunk of it broke away and crushed them. Geoff, our guide told us the Fox Glacier guides were first on the scene but there was nothing they could do, to go any closer would be to put their own lives at risk. One of the bodies was recovered that day. The other one was washed out a couple of weeks later and was fortunately found before it was washed completly out to sea.
So yeah, sometimes I may seem boring and lack adventure but hey, barriers are there for a reason. We all have to die at some point but if it can be avoided, why not avoid it?
I think something happens to your brain whnen you go on holiday, it's like you leave it on the side in the kitchen next to a note telling the neighbours how much food to give the fish while you're away. It's like you run through a checklist as you're leaving; Passport? Check. Credit cards? Check. Brain? Well we won't be needing THAT! Tourists aren't stupid (not all of them anyway) but when you go on holiday it seems to give you a licence to be an idiot. This is why I identify as a backpacker and not a tourist.
Yeah We Rock
Anyway, we made it back down in one piece, picked Nat up and headed south towards Haast. Now Haast will add to the join the dots pattern on the various parts of your body that the sandflies have gotten to and any exposed surface, just the walk from the car to the supermarket left us with significant blood loss. We were well and truly in sandfly world.
I *Heart* DEET
As we pulled into our camp for the night, a DoC site called Cameron Flats, I promised my Aeroguard I'd never leave it again and promptly doused myself in it and stayed away from naked flames for the rest of the night.
written by  Koala Bear on February 8, 2009 from Fox Glacier, New Zealand

South Island Day 7: Wanaka; Nice Place, Shame About The Name
Wanaka, New Zealand
The next day we drove to the unfortunately named Wanaka as the sandflies tried to have a Nom A Pom party in my car. But here's one thing about Wanaka, it's fucking beautiful to drive into. It's surrounded by mountains and its right next to a lake, the scenery is stunning and we'd decided to do our skydive here, partially because of this.
It turned out to be too windy for skydiving though so we booked in for the following day and tried to hire kayaks. This was a no go an all, they weren't letting anyone go too far out again on account of the wind and paying for a kayak to paddle it round in small circles for an hour didn't sound like fun. So yeah, as stunning as it is there's sod all to do when its windy. We headed to possibly the only source of indoor entertainment to kill some time; Puzzling World.
Puzzling world is actually quite cool. They have like four illusion rooms, the first is full of holograms then you walk into another room covered in giant, concave faces that look like they're moving to watch you walk around the room (complete with creepy creaking noises). Next you check out this bizarre room that looks totally normal as you look into it but the ceiling is higher on one side creating giants on one side and midgets on the other.
Big Little Sister
Always Knew I Should Have Been Taller
The fourth room just fucks with you. The whole thing is on a slant but everything in the room is either truely level or very slightly slanted truely downwards but because your perception is messed with it looks like, for example, the ball on the snooker table rolls up hill. They also have water that looks like its running uphill and a chair you can sit on that, again, looks like you're sliding uphill. It seriously messes with your head.
Faces That Follow You Around The Room
The Most Fucked Up Room Ever!
And then there's the maze. The aim is to find your way to each of the four corner towers then out again which given my proven ability to get lost on a straight road really wasn't going to appeal to me. I followed Nat and Shane around while we found the towers but my attention span didn't allow for finding the way out. Neither did Nat's but it has escape doors so we cheated and waited for Shane while he finished solving it. And fair play to him, he did it. I'll just bask in his sense of acheivement methinks, you'll not catch me setting foot in any bloody mazes again for a while without a detailed map. Oh, and someone with the ability to read detailed maps.
So yeah, a pretty uneventful day on account of the total lack of Stuff To Do apart from drink tea and solve mazes and its not advisable to combine these two activites on account of the lack of toilets in the maze and the fact that the nearest facilities are located on the other side of a wall that you can't find the door to. We headed to our camp for the night and hoped the weather would pick up for our jumping out of plane related shenanigans the next day.
written by  Koala Bear on February 9, 2009 from Wanaka, New Zealand

South Island Day 8: And So Begins The Adrenalin
Glenorchy, New Zealand
Yeah so it was raining in Wanaka again and the skydive was cancelled and the thought of another day wandering round a maze didn't really appeal to us so we headed down to Queenstown to have a little chat with them about stuffs and things to do in the area, namely where we could get this throwing ourselves out of an aircraft at 15000ft thing out of our system. The weather was heaps better here too and we had a choice; jump over Queenstown or get a $50 discount and drive ourselves out to Glenorchy.
Well it'd be rude to refuse a discount wouldn't it. We booked and paid and had a couple of hours to kill so we parked up at our campsite so Nat and Shane could have a minor panic and fill the long drops before they filled their pants.
Glenorchy was totally the right decision, if we thought Wanaka was pretty then the drive to Glenorchy was stunning.
The Road To Glenorchy
All Ready To Go. Readyish Anyway.
Everyone at NZ Skydive is really lovely an all, when I did my last skydive they all seemed a bit stressed, not comforting when you were about to entrust your life to them. This time I was going to be strapped to a Canadian bloke called Dave, Nat got a huge guy known as Bigfoot and Shane was harnessed to a tiny Welshman called Taff.
The flight up was more nerve wracking than I remember it being last time, I don't remember being scared at all the first time I did it once we were up in the air then I figured my brain must have blocked it out. I looked over at Shane, the bottom half of his face was all grins and teeth and the top half was deathly white. Him and Nat are both scared of heights and 15000ft could definately be considered high.
And Why Were We Jumping Out Of This Thing Again?
"It takes a certain kind of person to step out of an aircraft at 15000ft into thin air. It takes courage."
Fortunately we had to do nothing of the sort, this is what I love about skydiving, the man on your back takes care of everything so even if you do lose your bottle at the last minute it doesn't matter, he's going over the edge and you're going with him. And it was just as awesome as last time, that initial feeling when you first go over the edge is unsurpassed by anything.
Scuse My Drool
Nat's First Skydive
Shane And The Wee Welshman
Safely Back On The Ground
By the time I landed I had the biggest grin on my face as well as a large trail of drool. Nice. Nat and Shane both landed, both now totally addicted to it.
Huge smiles and slightly more control over their saliva glands than me.
written by  Koala Bear on February 10, 2009 from Glenorchy, New Zealand

South Island Day 9: Schwiiiiiiing
Queenstown, New Zealand
We started off with little jaunt up Shotover River to ease us into the day gently with a few 360 degree spins thrown in and a couple of near misses with large rocks and things that can only be described as cliffs as we flew down the river on the Shotover Jet. It's heaps more fun at the back on these things, you get thrown around loads more and yes, this is a good thing. By the end of it we were a bit wet and a bit cold and my face had frozen into a grin. Shit it was fun though.
Morning Jaunt Up Shotover River
We'd booked one of them combo things which meant the once we were off the jet boat all we had to do was wait for the transport for the next activity to arrive and that would be the Canyon Swing then which is a mere 109 metres high with a 60 metre freefall and a 200 metre arc whilst harnessed to... well... string or something I guess. Surely it'd be nothing compared to the 15000ft jump we did yesterday right?
Ha. Yeah. Whatever.
The Canyon Swing Platform
I had approximately seven grey hairs when I got to Queenstown. I had a feeling they'd be added to over the next couple of days and made a mental note to extend my badger stripe to accommodate them if neccessary.
On arrival at their base you make good use of the long drops, one of which is covered in pictures of David Hasselhoff. As if falling off a 109m platform wasn't scary enough! Then for some reason they draw little pictures on your hand. Shane got an 8 ball, Nat got a pretty flower. I got a picture of some mountains with a little stick man stood at the top and another one lying at the bottom in a pool of blood.
Oh very fucking comforting thankyouverymuch, I'll just shit my pants now shall I?
Signing Ya Life Away
There are heaps of jump suggestions for the Canyon Swing, you can pretty much go off which ever way you want, forwards, backwards, head or feet first, you can have them release you or they'll even tie you to a chair and let you tip backwards but not before fucking with you, letting you go and then pulling you back at the last second. The Canyon Swing guys must take a course in Bastardry before they're allowed to work there.
Nat went first and demonstrated that you have no control over what noise you make when the ground gets taken away from you. It was hilarious, she jumped off forwards and let out this blood curdling yell that pretty much summed it up and translated roughly as, "fuck me, where's the floor gone?!" One of the guys turned to Shane and said, "bet ya never heard her scream like that before, have ya mate?"
Yeah Yeah, I'm A Pussy
I went next but opted for the Elvis Cutaway where they release you thus saving you the hassle of actually jumping yourself. Yep, I'm a pussy and will freely admit this here as only about four people in the world read this and one of them is my mother.
(waves at mum)
They suspend you lying down over the canyon and unwind the bit of wire thats keeping you held up and they don't give you a chance to decide you don't want to do it anymore, they just whip the wire out and send you plummeting although to be honest it wasn't the big rush I was expecting. I decided to go again and this time I'd harden up and jump myself. Grr an things.
Shane went next and went for the Pin Drop which is where you stand side on with your hands behind your back, focus on your toes and jump off sideways, the aim being to keep your hands behind your back the whole way down. Fair play to him for going through with it, we watched his DVD back and he was terrified and even sort of morphed into Golem at one point. As he went over the edge all you could here was, "Oh fuck!" as he tried to climb back up the preciousssss rope.
Golem Of Lord Of The Rings Fame
Shane Before His Canyon Swing
I gotta admit, it really it worth getting the bottle up to jump yourself, it was so much more fun the second time around, I was grinning so much my face cramped up. If you wanna check out the videos (and Nat's is worth it just for that scream) clicky here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/3332879100/ for mine, here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/3332874766/ for Golem's and here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/3332846086/ for Nat's.
So today was our breaking ourselves in day. Today was actually relaxed compared to what the next day had in store. Today was a fucking holiday compared to what we'd be putting ourselves through tommorrow. The first half of the day was going to be taken up with white water rafting which would hopefully take our minds off the 134m bungy we'd be doing in the afternoon.
I expressly forbade my sister from ever visiting me in a country reknowned for adrenalin activites ever again.
written by  Koala Bear on February 11, 2009 from Queenstown, New Zealand

South Island Day 10: 5-4-3-2-1-Bungeeeee!
Queenstown, New Zealand
We woke up to rain which was apparently a good thing on account of the fact it meant there was water in the river. Well yeah I can see how that would be a benefit and anyway, out of all the things to do in Queenstown when its raining I reckon white water rafting has got to be one of the best.
One Of The More Exciting Parts Of The Rafting
In all honesty the rafting was cool but not as intense as we wanted it to be. There was a lot of calm bits where we just floated down the river with only the guides to entertain us, in fact there were probably too many of them moments. I'm glad I did it but I think I'll try and do it again somewhere else with more or better rapids.
By the time we were out of the river my hands were so numb I couldn't undo any of my zips or clasps, I struggled like I'd never seen a zip before in my life before caving in and asking for help from a bloke who looked at me like I was a bit special. Fair enough really. After a hot shower to get the feeling back into our extremities we were driven back to the town centre to wait for the bus that would take us to the bungy.
Waiting. That's the worst bloody part of it. We had to wait half an hour for the bus then it was a 40 minute drive to the site, not to mention being sat 134m above the ground waiting for your turn. I was glad I hadn't cut my nails this week, it gave me something to chew on.
Its The Waiting That's The Worst Part
AJ Hackett
The bungy is the highlight of anyones trip to NZ, its compulsory to complete at least one or you'll be labeled a pussy by your peers and you won't be able to use the DVD to impress future dates after you've edited out the part where you cry like a girl and want your mum so I fully intended to do this thing. Or at least I fully intended to stand at the top with my feet tied together and have a mild panic attack. We'd decided to do the Nevis, the highest in the country because if you're going to shit your pants you might as well do it really, really high up. No, I have no idea why that counts as logic either.
The Nevis along with two others in Queenstown, one in Auckland and one in Cairns (and possibly more I dont know about) is run by AJ Hackett, that mad bloke famous for all kinds of daredevil stunts such as bungy jumping off the Eiffel Tower in 1987 and sporting a mullet in public. He's jumped off loads of stuff and millions of people have jumped commercially and lived. Bottling out wasn't really an option anymore.
The Nevis Highwire Bungy
Grinning Nervously In The Face Of Danger
We got to the base and were harnessed up, weighed again and put into groups. You jump by weight, heaviest to lightest which meant out of us three it'd be Shane then me then Nat. They cable car you across to the "rickerty tin shed hanging from a wire between two mountains" where you sit and wait until its your turn to have cuffs velcroed to your ankles and you're called to the chair. All kinds of shit goes through your mind. You plan your jump, in my head I was going to launch myself off in a beautiful swan dive and fall gracefully until the elastic caught me then I'd quickly release my feet at the top of the second bounce thus turning myself the right way up and be pulled back to the base to applause and adulation.
In reality I knew I'd probably bottle it at the point of no return and jerk to the end of the rope with my arms windmilling all the way down, fail to release my feet and have to be pulled back in upside down while all the blood rushed to my head and I returned to the top having turned a fetching shade of purple.
Pre Jump Grimace
Off He Goes
And there's the complete lack of stuff to hold onto. At the Canyon Swing you can hold onto your harness when you jump, it doesn't matter that what you're holding onto is coming with you, your head knows you're holding onto something, anything, and this really helps.
But what helps the most here is the professionalism of the guys, where the Canyon Swing guys have to pass a Sadist test the guy who clips your legs together at the bungy calms you down, as he's doing his thing he's making small talk designed to take your mind off the fact that you're about to jump off a platform 134m above a canyon. He explains what to do to release your feet and shuffles you to the edge like a penguin on death row, tells you to look straight ahead and before you know it its 5-4-3-2-1 and you override every natural instinct you have and find yourself plummeting towards the ground. And yes, screaming is acceptable when you're falling 134 metres thankyouverymuch.
Looooong Way Down!
Falling 134m
And I was well proud of my jump, I didn't hesitate or bottle out and I managed to release my feet somewhere around where I thought the top of the second bounce might be. I'm really proud of Nat and Shane an all, they're both scared of heights, the guy had to ask Shane to let go of him as he shuffled him to the edge and I've never seen Nat so quiet before. I'm not too bad with heights anymore, its jumping off them I have issues with.
Getting Ready To Jump
Nat Hanging Below The Jump Pod
But we did it. Its such an incredible feeling, I'm totally addicted to it and y'know what? We're already planning our next trip to Queenstown to do the Thrillogy which is the Kawarau Bridge, The Ledge and, of course, The Nevis. Again.
No, apparently we didn't quite freak ourselves out enough this time round.
written by  Koala Bear on February 12, 2009 from Queenstown, New Zealand

South Island Day 11: Making White Water Rafting Look Like A Pleasure Cruise
Queenstown, New Zealand
Middle of summer and this is the view this morning at the DoC site we stayed at;
View From 12 Mile Delta Campground
Snow On The Mountains
Yep, that's snow on them there hills.
Ah Friday the 13th, what a perfect day to throw yourself into fast moving water without a raft. Shane had decided to rent a mountain bike and cycle down an off road hill very very fast but last time I went cycling I felt like I'd been kicked in the cunt for three days so instead of that me and Nat went river boarding where I ACTUALLY got kicked in the cunt by flailing people wearing flippers.
Allow me to explain river boarding.
They deck you out in a wet suit, helmet, flippers and a bodyboard and are taught a few essentials such as the "rapids position" where you prop yourself up on your left arm, hold onto the board at the top with your left hand and hold the board into your hips with your right hand thus becoming "one unit with your board."
In theory anyway. After only the little practise runs my left arm was ready to give in. It fucking hurt.
Rapids Position
After they've had you swimming round in circles a couple of times, taught you how to get back on your board if you fall off in the rapids and they've rescued the ones that got swept away they show you how to relieve cramp as it can be a problem with all the kicking you have to do. The best way to stop it is to stretch it out but other ways to avoid it are apparently salt, pineapple, avoiding alcohol the night before or by simply not launching yourself into rapids clutching only a bodyboard. So basically, yeah. That's river boarding. Like white water rafting but without the raft. It's really really hard work but shit it's fun!
As I said, its hard on your left arm and its hard to maintain the rapids position. All you really have to do it point your board the way the guides point, kick when they tell you to kick and try and keep in the middle of the river. Easier said than done. Just as you think you've got the hang of it another panicked river boarder with lungs full of water bowls into you and throws you off course. There's always a guide to rescue you though, just as you think aw fuck it, I'll never get out of this one of them comes out of nowhere and tows you back into the middle of the river.
Going head first into the rapids at eye level is fantastic an all, you just look up and see this huge wall of water before it swallows you and forces you under, all you can do it hold onto your board, kick like your life depends on it and let the river take you where ever it wants you to go. There's no point in fighting it, its bigger than you are.
So much better than the white water rafting although I don't think my left arm will ever forgive me for it and I cant say as I'm particularly good at it. Mind you I'm not very good at bodyboarding either, it took me ages to work out I was meant to be on the board as opposed to stood with my back to the waves with my eyes closed waving the board in front of me.
Once you're through the rapids and into the calmer waters they bring a jetski over and tow you two by two to their water playground where you get to play on the slide, the swing or rock jumps but they make you do it in full gear which makes you feel like you're weighed down with lead. One of the lads was complaining of cramp all up his calf and thigh. Ha, yeah, now try that once a month every month for about 40 years mate, see how you cope then!
About To Take On Big Al
After we were changed and back in town we met Shane. Oh oh oh! And one more food recommendation; You have to get a Fergburger while you're in town, they're huge. Seriously. Fucking massive, you could feed a small African village or derail a train with one of these beasts. There's a whole lot of dead stuff on that there burger and you're partial to stuff that used to have a face then this is THE place to eat.
Aaaanyways, once I'd been defeated by my Fergburger we armed ourselves with several cans of DEET and headed towards Milford Sound located deep in the heart of sandfly country.
written by  Koala Bear on February 13, 2009 from Queenstown, New Zealand

South Island Day 12: Milford Sound
Milford Sound, New Zealand
Valentine's Day. My favourite day of the whole year to be single because I'm not obliged to shower anyone with cards and gifts and meals with hiked up prices just so I can get laid this month. Nat and Shane forgot it was Valentine's Day until later in the day when we came back into phone range and I got a few messages off mates. Thus followed an evening of obligatory hand holding.
If we thought it was cold yesterday with the snow in the distance then today was bloody freezing. I woke to to a layer of frost on my car, it put me off going to the toilet for fear my arse cheeks would freeze together but then I guess that's the price of waking up to clear skies in the Fiordlands.
I'd love to spend more time here what with the awe inspiring scenery, the striking hills and mountains and the reminder of what my breath looks like but I don't think my extremities could take it.
So I headed up to Milford Sound on my own leaving Nat and Shane to their own devices as they'd decided not to bother with a tour of this particular sound, Nat figured if you'd seen one you'd seen them all and we were kayaking Doubtful Sound the next day and Shane only wanted to see Mitre Peak. Before you get to the Fiordlands you're told to expect rain as they measure their annual rainfall in metres here, usually 7 to 9 of them, and massive sandfly related blood loss. I emerged from my car brandishing my can of DEET and clutching my rain jacket before abandoning my rain jacket in favour of another can of DEET. Well you can't be too careful.
Mitre Peak
Milford Sound is basically a sod off big carpark with a wharf and an airport and a cafe in order to entertain the people that park there. I was lucky with the weather though, I don't mind kayaking in the rain but sitting on a cruise inside a boat just watching the weather through the windows would have done my head in. As it happened the weather was beautiful.
I went with Real Journeys for this nature cruise on account of the pretty boat they put you on and the fact we were going to see the glow worm cave later and it got me a discount on that. Yep, I'm a bargain whore.
They sail you up to the Tasman sea and back again with plenty of seal watching on the way and past the permanant waterfalls. The one nearest the wharf is called Bowen Falls and thats where they get all the water from for the tea and coffee for the cruise and there's another one called Stirling Falls and they get you right up to it. My love of waterfalls is well documented, it was all I could do to not jump overboard and go play in it.
And here's the thing about the sounds. They're not Sounds at all, they're Fiords. If you want to see sounds you have to go all the way up to the top of the south island to the Marlborough Sounds, they were cut by rivers and flooded with sea water whereas Doubtful and Dusky and Milford and the others at the bottom were carved out by glaciers and flooded with sea water and therein lies the difference. In fact if you look at them on a map you really can see how different they are.
But it was an awesome day on the water and I'm glad I did it.
Once I was safely back on dry land having consumed as much complimentary tea as my bladder could take I drove back towards the campsite we'd stayed at the previous night as that's where I'd be meeting Nat and Shane then we headed back down towards Te Anau for some glow worm cave action.
I'd already seen glow worms at Waitomo but they're shiny and I like them despite their appearance if you get them in the light. They're the lavae of the fungus gnat, once the glow worms have nommed enough insects they go into the pupa stage then emerge as a gnat with no mouth that spends the one day its alive shagging before it dies. Not such a hard life then ay.
Anyway, once we were back in Te Anau we headed down to Manapouri as we had a ridiculously early start there the next day. Our last booked adventure before we could chill out and lie in bed in the mornings.
We were gonna need another holiday just to get over this one.
written by  Koala Bear on February 14, 2009 from Milford Sound, New Zealand

South Island Day 13: Kayaking Doubtful Sound
Doubtful Sound, New Zealand
Doubtful Sound is less accessible than Milford Sound and less accessible means less tourists. Whereas in Milford you can drive right up and board your boat, to get to Doubtful your tour will include a free scenic cruise over Lake Manapouri and a scenic bus ride through Wilmot Pass, also absolutely free of charge. It always amuses me when they do that to prmote a tour, its like saying "free scenic flight with every skydive." Great, I'll leave my magical teleportation device at home then and save on batteries.
Today we'd be kayaking Doubtful Sound which would be interesting given it still hurt to change into fifth gear on account of the fact I still ached like a bitch from the river boarding. We arrived at the kayak base in Manapouri at stupid o' clock in the morning and after everyone had arrived we were transported to the fiord itself and kitted out in wetsuits, splash jackets, splash skirts and life jackets. It was drizzly but not too cold. I can handle drizzly. It's my northern English upbringing.
Lake Manapouri
Doubtful Sound
It was an awesome day though, so much more peaceful than Milford Sound, no aircraft taking off every two minutes and we only saw like one other boat right at the end. The worst thing was the sandflies, they're vicious and it's illegal to kill them in the Fiordlands. With it being a national park everything within it is protected. Bugger that. I have issues with involuntary blood loss and I figured the DoC wouldn't miss a few of the evil little bastards as I smeared couple over the bus window.
The Maori legend behind the sandflies (Te Namu) is that once upon a time the Fiordlands were a solid mass of land and the demi god, Tuterakiwhanoa (don't ask me to say that out loud) was given the task of carving it out. He started at the bottom and made his way up to Piopiotahi (Milford Sound) and when he was finished he asked Hinenuitepo, goddess of the underworld, to have a quick butchers at what he'd done. Anyway she loved it. She loved it so much that she got worried that the humans would also love it too much and never want to leave so she unleashed millions of Te Namu to remind us of our frailty and death.
And then came Aeroguard to protect us from these winged spawn of the devil himself but even coating yourself with that every couple of hours isn't always enough.
After a full days paddle we headed back to the campsite to chill out and start relaxing. No more getting up early for the rest of the holiday, no more i-site vouchers proving we'd paid for activites to look after, just copious amounts drinking tea and generally not moving much at all on our meander back to Christchurch.
written by  Koala Bear on February 15, 2009 from Doubtful Sound, New Zealand

Been There, Done That
Bluff, New Zealand
As Close To Antarctica As I Wanna Get
Yes, I'm aware it's possibly the least interesting part of New Zealand and yes, I'm aware of how much petrol we may have wasted getting there but I just wanted to say I'd been there ok?
written by  Koala Bear on February 16, 2009 from Bluff, New Zealand

South Island Day 14: Taking It Easy
Catlins Conservation Park, New Zealand
We woke up late. We left late. We meandered along the Catlins Coast at 80kph and annoyed the shit out of everyone behind us and we stopped frequently for tea in random beautiful spots which we admired from the back of the Fun Bus on account of the fact it was freezing cold. It's a nice enough drive though but not something you'd want to go out of your way for unless you just wanted your photo taken at Bluff just to prove you'd been there. Invercargill isn't the most exciting place in the world, not even the Lonely Planet can think of anything interesting to say about it an someone forgot to tell them that Christmas finished nearly two months ago. They still have their decorations up but I guess if you don't take them down you don't have the hassle of having to put them back up again the following year and it gives visitors something to write about your city in their blogs.
Bluff is also amazingly dull but as you gaze over the ocean you can think to yourself, next stop, Antarctica. If you ignore Stewart Island anyway. Which generally everyone does.
There are heaps of things to see along the road to Dunedin if you don't mind pulling off the highway to have a look including NZ's answer to Niagara Falls which were named by a surveyer with "an obvious sense of humour." There's also the petrified forest which is visible four hours either side of low tide. It's a bit like the stromatolites in Western Australia, you know you should ooh and ahh as its something so rare and old but you just find yourself gazing over something not actually that impressive thinking, "Is that it?" before wandering off to photograph some sheep instead.
Petrified Forest; Ooooh And Stuff
Niagara Falls. No, Really.
So it was a pretty uneventful day, we rocked up to a DoC site next to the Catlins Conservation Park and just chilled there for the evening.
I could get used to all this relaxing shizzle ay.
written by  Koala Bear on February 16, 2009 from Catlins Conservation Park, New Zealand

South Island Day 15: Waiting For Nature
Oamaru, New Zealand
If you go to Oamaru you can either pay $20 to go watch some blue penguins or rock up to a DoC hide at Bushy Beach to watch the rare yellow eyed penguins for free from a distance. I've paid to see penguins before and Nat and Shane didn't want to part with cash so we drove over to Bushy Beach to wait for them. We were told the best time was between 6pm and 9pm but here's the thing about penguins; they don't wear watches. Its not like they hang around in the shallows and as soon as 6 o' clock rolls around they start wandering up the beach, stopping to pose for photographs on the way.
Rather You Than Me, Mate
Eventually they did start coming out of the water but the hide really is quite a way from the penguins. What you want to happen is for them to come onto the piece of beach closest to you wearing a red and white pinstripe jacket, do a little penguin dance to a barbershop quartet song and exit stage left waving a top hat and cane. Cleary that's not going to happen unless you stocked up on the shrooms before you got to Oamaru, they come out of the water and make a break for the cliffs leaving you with some photos dots on a beach. Fortunately there was a guy hanging around called Colin who was a self proclaimed "penguin obsessive" and had brought some spare binoculars for everyone to use. He'd also brought an egg to show everyone the size of them, I'm several times the size of a yellow eyed penguin and I wouldn't wanna squeeze that out of any part of me.
And If You Look Closely You Can See A Dot...
We spent a couple of hours there staring at the beach before heading back to town. Apparently, somewhere near the expensive tourist shit you can watch the blue penguins cross the road for free but we'd gotten over sitting around waiting for penguins so we carried on heading north. We'd decided to take a small detour towards Lake Tekapo just to check it out the following day instead of just missioning it to Christchurch because lets face it, you really don't need more than a couple of nights in Christchurch unless you really really like art galleries and museums and catherdrals.
Which we don't. The heathens we are.
written by  Koala Bear on February 17, 2009 from Oamaru, New Zealand

South Island Day 16: Slow Roasting Our Tender, English Flesh
Lake Tekapo, New Zealand
Blue Skies Ahead
True to New Zealand form the weather was shit again but we decided to go to Lake Tekapo anyway for a photo opportunity although we figured there wouldn't be much to do in the rain. We cruised along and as we passed the mountains the cloud suddenly cleared, it just stopped at the mountains and we drove into blue skies and sunshine, it was awesome and it was made even more stunning by the gorgeous turquoise colour of the lake. I left Nat and Shane in the township and head over to a Mt Cook lookout about 40kms away next to Lake Pukaki, it gives you this amazing view of Aoraki over the lake which is also turquoise.
The View Over Lake Pukaki
All the water in the area is turquoise on account of a sediment in the water called rock flour which was ground down by a glacier. Particles suspended in the glacial melt is what makes it the colour it is blah blah blah, whatever, its pretty. We settled down by the lake for an afternoon of premature aging. I'm not normally into deliberately slow roasting my flesh but the weather hadn't been on our side recently and we'd earnt it after a hectic couple of weeks, plus it was also nice to be able to sit outside and not get savaged by sandflies.
Lake Tekapo
So me and Nat fried ourselves to a crisp. We well and truly toasted ourselves and spent the evening wincing while Shane sat there smugly because he'd plastered himself with suncream.
Before we left we headed to Lake Tekapo Tavern to get a big feed where I was told I was hot by a very intoxicated bogan lady who, for a straight bird, cleary has excellent taste in lesbians. However she also thought me and Nat looked like twins. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't let the old ego go spiralling out of control just yet ay.
Crisping
Twins?!?
Driving out was depressing, we left the clear blue skies and sunshine and drove stright back into the rain, cloud and gloom which we came from.
Ah well, at least if was cold tonight me and Nat radiated enough heat to keep the whole campsite warm.
written by  Koala Bear on February 18, 2009 from Lake Tekapo, New Zealand

South Island Day 17: Last. Hill. Ever.
Mt Hutt, New Zealand
Mt Hutt is a ski area on the way to Christchurch from where we'd camped so we'd decided to check it out to go for a walk just to get some exercise. There are a few walks you can do so we picked one we had time for paying attention only to how long the walk takes and no attention whatsoever to the pictures of the little men next to the name of the walk. It pays to take note of the little men. Here's a cut out and keep guide to what the little men mean so you don't find yourself trekking up a big hill that seemingly has no end wishing you'd brought a bottle of water and composing angry letters to the DoC in your head advising them that you'd be billing them for a new pair of lungs and could they please install cable cars in some of their walks with the larger inclines thankyouverymuch.
Suitable Only For People Wearing Backpacks With A Penchant For Hills Who Actually Consider Walking To Be An Enjoyable Pastime As Opposed To A Neccessary Evil In Order To Keep In Some Kind Of Shape And To Allow More Cake Consumption.
More Suited To Lazy Bastards With An Aversion To Inclines Unless There's A Promise Of A Licenced Premises At The Summit. No Backpack Required.
Suitable For Lazy Bastards, Midgets And Claire.
We did Scotts Saddle Track and by the time we got to the top I was puffing like a steam train, even Nat and Shane were looking forward to not having to walk up anymore hills and they could be considered part of the crazy group of people that like stuff like that.
Anyway, once we felt sufficiently exercised we made it to Christchurch and booked into a campsite next to the beach and made vague plans for the next couple of days that didn't involve jumping off or out of anything.
Or, for that matter, walking up any bloody hills.
written by  Koala Bear on February 19, 2009 from Mt Hutt, New Zealand

South Island, Saying Bye To Nat And Shane: Rained Off In Chch
Christchurch, New Zealand
The last couple of days in Christchurch were pretty uneventful because, you guessed it, it rained so we spent the Friday chilling in the van and listening to the radio. ZM said it was pretty shit weather everywhere apart from Invercargill but lets face it, it was still gonna be cold down there. It was still gonna be fucking Invercargill an all.
We'd planned to be ultimate Christchurch tourists but there's nothing to do here in the rain which resulted in an itinery of tea, tea, supermarket to get milk for tea, tea, beer, beer, tea. Me and Shane headed into town to check out the iSite to see if there was anything we could do to pass the time before heading back to drink more tea.
Killing Time
Iz Onna Bus Bein A Chav Init
Nat and Shane left on the Sunday after me and Shane had headed up the gondola to have a look at what Christchurch looked like from a distance. Much better way to see it if you ask me, I'm not a fan of the place at all, its full of idiots. I reckon it'd be what England would be like if all the chavs had money for pimped out cars and spent the nights tearing round and hurling abuse and beer bottles out of the windows. The only difference between Christchurch an Manchester is, in Chch they own the cars as opposed to nicking them.
Christchurch Gondola
I chilled here for a few nights while I got all my sensible laundry related shit done before I started the journey back up north to my beloved Auckland. Just in time for winter.
Meh.
written by  Koala Bear on February 23, 2009 from Christchurch, New Zealand

Well If All Ya Have Is The Rocks...
Punakaiki, New Zealand
Take a leaf out of Australia's book and milk the rocks for all they're worth.
Coz They're Layered. Like Pancakes. See?
Pancake Rocks
written by  Koala Bear on February 24, 2009 from Punakaiki, New Zealand

More Compulsory Stuff To Do In NZ
Abel Tasman National Park, New Zealand
Nope, I'll never get bored of kayaking but no doubt you'll get bored of me telling you all about it so I'll keep it brief and throw in some pretty pictures for you to stare at numbly.
Abel Tasman is known for its seals and we saw plenty as well as heaps of pups but you know that cute noise that everyone thinks they make? That's not actually what they sound like, its more of a strangled yelp that sounds like they're being clubbed.
Damn Thing Looked Away Just As I Took This. Ya Can't Trust Nature To Pose For Photos.
Anyway, cloud and choked seals aside it was an awesome day.
written by  Koala Bear on February 26, 2009 from Abel Tasman National Park, New Zealand

Heading Back North
After spending an hour sat in my car in Picton wishing they had better radio stations and cursing my obsession with being early for everything I was back on the ferry to Wellington and back to the freak show that is Rowena's Lodge for the night.
Waving Goodbye To The South Island
Not the most exciting post ever but I just wanted to get the orange line in the right place. Deal with it, bi-yarches.
written by  Koala Bear on February 27, 2009 from Wellington, New Zealand

The World's Most Boring Blog Post
Napier, New Zealand
Napier; Art Deco Capital Of The World
Quite fitting for a post about a town who's only claim to fame is that it got flattened by an earthquake in the early 30's and rebuilt itself according to the hideous art deco style of the time.
Famous for being ugly. Now there's a tourist attraction a few people I know could exploit.
written by  Koala Bear on February 28, 2009 from Napier, New Zealand

Waking Up...
Taupo, New Zealand
There aren't many better ways to wake yourself up than jumping 47 metres head first into the gorgeous Waikato River with only a piece of elastic tied round your ankles to slow you down. The Taupo bungy (you know, the one Andi bottled out of coz she's chicken) is New Zealand's highest water touch so it'd be rude not to touch the water and it saves you a shower in the morning.
Here We Go Again
The Only Way To Wake Up
Feral? Me?
written by  Koala Bear on March 1, 2009 from Taupo, New Zealand

...And Winding Down
Yay, back in Rotorua so no one will notice that everything I own still smells like sulphur, especially after we'd all been to the Polynesian Spa.
Start the day with a bungy, wind down in the evening sat in a vat of hot water interspersed with cold showers because 40 degrees can make you feel like you're being slowly boiled which isn't a good feeling in a country where the natives used to eat Europeans.
View From The Spa
Polynesian Spa
Buuuut lets let the past be past. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
written by  Koala Bear on March 1, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand

East As, Bro
Tatapouri, New Zealand
Before I stopped my travels for a year in order to attempt a Normal Life in Auckland I decided I should probably get a backpacker bus to somewhere or other, just to say I'd done it. I'd been on the road for nearly three years and I'd never set foot on a Oz, FeeJee or Kiwi Experience bus, also known as the Big Green Fuck Bus. Um... on account of the fact backpackers get pissed and shag a lot... Clearly I'm doing something wrong.
Aaaanyway, I figured I'd get more out of the East Cape with someone to take me places and show me stuff so I booked Kiwi Experience's East As 4 day pass and duly rocked up to the iSite in Rotorua to wait for my bus and whilst its not actually overly big and there wouldn't be much fucking its most definately green. That'd do for me. I'm getting old now y'know.
The East As Bus
The coolest thing about these buses is that you can have everything planned for you if thats what you want and after a two month action packed tourist whirlwind it was exactly what I wanted, you're given a list of activites and accomodation and all you have to do it put a tick by what you want and the driver will book it all for you. A mate of mine had told me not to expect to much adventure round the East Cape either, I was looking forward to a relaxing, stress free little jaunt around the coast.
The first overnight stop was Tatapouri, not too far from Gisborne. On the way, Renz, our driver told us all about how this stretch of coastline was home to some of the best surfers around, she told us that around here they had some of the best breaks in the country as the waves lapped gently on the shore. Not the best example of extreme surfing action but hey, this was the east coast, its all about the chill out, right?
We stayed at a place whos name a forget but for a small fee they can keep you entertained by way of shark cage diving and stingray feeding and they'll arrange surfing or rock sliding trips for you. Shark cage diving was out on account of my dwindling budget but we donned some sexy waders and walked out onto the reef at low tide armed with buckets of fish to interfere with the natural order of things and feed us some stingrays.
Stingray Feeding
And Stingray Mauling
This is so fucking cool! Seriously, they come right up to you for a feed, you have to hold the fish down and kind of under them and they suck it up like a vacuum cleaner and some of these rays are huge. They come up for a pat as well, even if they don't want fish they'll still come up so you can stroke them and I now want one as a pet, I figure I could keep it in the shower. There was a large, pregnant one too, she was massive and she kept knocking into me and nearly taking my feet out from under me. I swear the bitch had it in for me.
Later on, after an awesome feed we chilled out and drank some wine and generally got to know each other. There were 8 of us plus the driver, just a small group which I like, not least coz I stand more of a chance remembering everyones names.
Tatapouri
No mean feat when there's a cask on wine on hand.
written by  Koala Bear on March 2, 2009 from Tatapouri, New Zealand

First To See The Sunrise
Rangitukia, New Zealand
The east cape of New Zealand is one of the first places in the world to see the sunrise so we dragged ourselves out of bed in the dark and shuffled (and shuffling is the only form of movement possible at that hour in the morning before you've had you tea) over to the beach to be some of the first to witness the new day. I've seen many sunrises but that's usually because I'm still up, not just up. It's not much of a different experience this way round, everyones just as bleary eyed and there's a similar amount of slurring and drooling as people fight to gain control of their basic motor funtions.
Here's the thing about watching the sunrise an all, it's really really pretty but you can't fucking look at it unless you want a series of half suns floating around your vision for 20 minutes.
Sunrise Over Tatapouri
Once the early morning Becoming Human process was complete we were picked up by a small Brazilian man called Leo who drove us out to a natural rockslide on the other side of Gisbourne. He'll kit you out in a wetsuit, hand you something vaguely resembling a body board with handles and you get to spend the morning throwing yourself down this slope covered in algae with water running down it. It's fucking awesome! You can steer it down by putting your hands in the water to keep it straight and when you hit the bottom you bounce but you really have to make sure your tongue is well out of the way of your teeth.
Rock Sliding
How Many Backpackers Does It Take To Start A Van?
We entertained ourselves with a few races watched by a rather bewildered looking sheep before heading back to the bus and spending half an hour trying to bump start it. Apparently this is a regular thing yet still it doesn't occur to him to invest in jump leads. Or, and here's a crazy idea, a new battery.
Once we were delivered safely back to Renz we meandered towards Rangitukia via the longest jetty in NZ. Yeah yeah, I took a photo but it's not as long as the one in Bussleton, WA, and to be fair, how many photos of jettys does one blog need?
There's a BBH backpackers in Rangitukia, its really nice and all, I totally recommend it and you can arrange a couple of activities from there such as horse trekking and bone carving, a traditional Maori artform. There was also an option for possum hunting but the guy who arranges that wasn't around so no novelty nipple warmers made from the skins of dead pests for me today.
About a 10 minute walk from here is another place you can watch the sunrise but getting up at that hour AND walking (or shuffling) for 10 minutes just didn't appeal to me and hey, you've seen one sunrise you've seen them all right?
However, the bone pendant carving I totally recommend. Its like $60 and they take you through the whole process so the finished product is something you could give to someone and they wouldn't have to find an excuse to store it in the bottom drawer and you ARE meant to give it to someone, bone carvings are meant to be gifts so I made one for Loody.
Piece Of Cow
Proper Artist, Me
Bit Of Powdered Cow
Finished Product
Traditionally the Maoris used whale bone but since whales became protected they're only allowed to use the bones of whales that die naturally. Fair enough. These days they use cattle bone and this is what we would be carving. There are heaps of different designs to chose from and they have different meanings. I chose a Hei-Matau for Loody which is basically a stylised fish hook, its meant to provide safety over water and represents a great respect for the sea. Loody's a diver (scuba, muff, you name it) and I used to call her half a fish because she's so at home in the water. I figured it'd be perfect for her.
Anyway, after we'd spent a while breathing in powdered cow and sanded our finished products until they were smooth we settled in for a hangi and made an early night of it on account of another early start the following day.
Hmm. This restful trip wasn't proving to be very restful now was it.
written by  Koala Bear on March 3, 2009 from Rangitukia, New Zealand

Not Such A Relaxing Cruise Then Ay
Te Kaha, New Zealand
Now I've been horse trekking before, I went twice with my parents when they came to visit me in Cairns and from what I remember they're a leisurely wander along with the horses nose-to-tail, breaking into an orderly trot if you fancied it but with the horse pretty much in complete control of what's happening. Nice, easy, nothing to worry about, right?
Right...?
Clearly I'd never been trekking on the east cape of NZ before, Reg who runs the horse trekking at Rangitukia has very different ideas, he "breaks all the rules of commercial horse trekking," there would be no nose-to-tail meandering, you would be in control of the horse and not the other way around and you were free to wander where ever you wanted at whatever pace you felt like.
I waved goodbye to my comfort zone and jumped onto my horse, Avante.
You get a really good trek for your money. Paul, one of our group, owns a horse back in Scotland and is very comfortable on horseback so him and Reg went galloping up the beach while the rest of us tried to work out where the Go Button was on our animal. I managed to get mine into something resembling a trot before I decided my arse couldn't take that kind of bouncing and slowed it back down to a pleasant meandering pace. We trekked through the fields to the beach then across a river and up to a hill where we chilled for a bit before heading back down to the backpackers. If you only do one horse trek in NZ, do this one.
Once we were loaded back onto the bus we were driven to the nearby Tikitiki historic church where we were taken inside and Renz told us a bit about the carvings and what they mean. Maori carvings are pretty grotesque because they believe if you create someones true likeness then their soul will be trapped in that likeness forever. Not good when you believe in life after death. She told us that the protruding tongue in a carving means something different according to which way it points. Straight down means the person was a straight talker, you can believe what they say. If the tongue is split the person was a liar and if it pokes to either side then you can't always believe what they say. If there's a shiny eye thing in the centre of the tongue Renz said it meant that that person was a great storyteller and could "paint picture with their words."
Before the missionaries rocked up the carvings were pretty much the written language of the Maori people but Christians being Christians and not open to new thoughts and ideas decided that they were worshipping false gods and banned the carvings. They also gave them a written language made out of letters and stuff. The art nearly died but for a fella who took a group of young people and made them into master carvers, these days every Marae will have a carved meeting house.
Totally East As
After a bit more driving and a quick stop to take a photo of the world's most easterly lighthouse we made it to Te Kaha, our last stop of the trip before we would be taken back to Rotorua or Taupo. It's a stunning place. We were taken out in a 6 person waka (canoe) to a beach for a snorkel before we headed back for a feed. We were meant to have written a song to sing at this stop but we'd discovered the hot tub by this time and after probably the most amazing sunset I've ever seen me, Chris, Gemma and Paul settled into the tub with a box of wine and remained there for the ensuing five hours until we resembled drunken prunes.
So much for my relaxing little cruise around the East Cape. The top half of me ached from rock sliding and the bottom half of me ached from horse trekking and my head ached from all the cask wine, I wanted another 4 day bus ride to recover from it, preferably somewhere flat with not much to do apart from knit and play bridge.
Nah, I jest, I recommend this trip to anyone, I really do and Te Kaha with its stunning sunsets, good hospitality and hot tub right next to the ocean is a perfect end to an awesome trip.
written by  Koala Bear on March 4, 2009 from Te Kaha, New Zealand

End Of The Road
So all that remains is to get back to Auckland and experiment with this Settling Down and having a Normal Life thing people keep going on about.
After three years on the road and not spending more than 6 months in one place it should prove interesting to say the least. Updates will be provided when stuff and things happen and also to let my mum know I'm still alive.
written by  Koala Bear on March 5, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand

Getting Settled
The reason I wanted to settle down somewhere for a year and have something resembling a "normal life" is because I feel like I've become jaded. I realised this while I was travelling with Andi and then Nat and Shane, the photos they took and the things they found amazing were things that, while I could still appreciate them, I found normal and mundane. I mean, I had an awesome time travelling around NZ with them, it was wicked but its hard to explain. It didn't feel like a holiday or an adventure to me, it just felt like life.
I want the buzz back.
I want that feeling I used to get when I first saw a perfect beach, when I watched the sun go down over the ocean, when I jumped into a freezing cold waterfall for the first time or hiked to the top of a mountain purely for the breathtaking views at the top.
I want to feel that nervous excitement again, I want to I step out into the unknown, not knowing fully what to expect. I want my stomach to do flips at the thought of setting out on a new journey with new people I met at the dinner table over a box of wine the night before, I want every new place to be fresh and exciting again, each place with its own adventure to offer and not just another town in another country with another beach or whatever.
Going to new and beautiful places, doing new things, meeting new people constantly, every day, became my life for three years and I realised that this, for me, has become normal and normality is... well... its boring isn't it. The boundaries of my comfort zone have expanded so much since I left the UK and whilst I don't want them to shrink back in I want to find a way to step outside of them again because life is always so much more fun, so much more exciting and colourful on the other side of the Comfort Line.
So. A year in Auckland is it while I sort my head out and make some life decisions and yes, I'm questioning the wisdom of building a whole, proper life in a city that I have to leave in 12 months but what else am I going to do? On account of the fact I'd spent most of my 6 months in Auckland holed up in Muriwai with an overweight bisexual with the emotional capacity of a gnat I had kind of expected to have to start from scratch but I have some awesome friends in this city and that circle has just grown since I got back. I have my job back at Family Bar and a place to live with my very own room which means I can leave my crap all over the floor and no one can say a damn thing and after so long sharing a room with four to ten other people it's fucking brilliant. I can sleep naked. And I can unpack! I don't own that much stuff though so I've just spread everything out to all four corners to make it look like everything I own wouldn't fit into an 80 litre backpack. I even bought furniture... well... a mattress and a book case to store my clothes but hey. I feel so grown up.
I had expected this Normal Life bollocks to be boring but I guess you can't really consider my life to be entirely normal, the shifts I work, the people I hang out with and the lack of routine won't allow that but in all honesty I don't cope very well with Normal anyway. This way I have the best of both worlds. I get to settle in one place for a year and still have a fucking amazing time with an incredible set of friends who are already making my time here one of the most memorable and fun periods of my life. It's going to be so hard to leave Auckland when my visa expires but that's a while off yet and yes, time will fly by but I fully intend to make the most of it.
And as for the next stop? I don't even know yet. Maybe South Africa as I have mates there or prehaps South America because I've had my little heart set on it for a while. Whatever. I don't know.
That decision can wait until 2010.
written by  Koala Bear on April 20, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand

New Obsession, Please
Thems of you that know me personally will know that I've had a minor yet bordering on unhealthy obsession with the Sky Tower since I got to Auckland. Those of you who don't know me may have guessed on account of the millions of photos I've taken of it from every available angle. Not that it looks any different depending on where you view it from but hey, you never know, one day I might just take a better photo.
But anyway, since I got here I've always wanted to go up it to do the Sky Walk where you wander around a platform that's about 1 metre wide with no hand rails harnessed to a rail above you and the Sky Jump where you jump off the tower harnessed to two wires. I was meant to do it before I left Auckland the first time but every time I decide to do it it pisses it down in true NZ style but today was a good day for it and it turned out that my friend, Nadia, has a mate who is one of the Sky Walk guides and she invited us to go over to walk and jump for free. Well it'd be rude to refuse now, wouldn't it?
KT, Nadia And Me
Now here's the thing about me and heights; They've always made me a little bit nervous, I believe that if humans were meant to be that high up we'd have been given longer legs but I've spent the last three years trying to condition myself out of this and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. But still. When Kati lead us out onto the Sky Walk platform and instructed us to let go of our harnesses and shuffle right to the edge, toes over and look down, mate, seriously, I was so fucking tense. It was a half hour buttock work out right there as I forced myself over to the side which was unnervingly close anyway.
Then it was time for a 20 minute stroll around the Sky Tower as Kati told us bits and pieces about the city I was to call home for a year, about the volcanos that surround it etc. I wish I could remember some of the facts to write here but they pretty much left my brain as soon as the entered it on account of the fact my head was still trying to get itself around why it was so high up without a railing. The view is fucking stunning though, its so awesome, such a beautiful city. And its the first time I've seen Auckland without the Sky Tower being in the picture.
Once we were safely back on solid ground we changed out of our bright orange jump suits and into a rather fetching blue and yellow outfit which Nadia prefered because it made her look more like a super hero and less like a death row convict. I have to admit though, I was more worried about the walk than the jump, after The Nevis anything would be possible but still, my mouth was dry and my palms were sweaty, it was like all the moisture had left my gob and gone straight to my hands. It's weird, if I don't have to jump off something I don't like letting go but as soon as I have to go over the edge it's all good. I'm over and falling and loving it.
The Sky Jump is the highest jump in NZ but it's nothing like bungy or the Canyon Swing, it's too controlled. Once you're over the edge there's no freefall, they just lower you down a bit quickly until you reach the bottom where you have to remember to put your feet down and bend your knees or you'll find out what the landing pad tastes like and it might take a while to locate all your teeth. Even if you do remember the landing is far from dignified, you'll probably end up on your hands and knees anyway but it's still worth getting your feet under you if you like the way your face looks.
Loving This Jump Suit
Hovering Over Auckland
But I hard out recommend the walk. The jump is cool too just to say you've done it but either way its a HUGE thank you to Kati for sorting us out with this. Massively appreciated and it totally made my week. Now all I need to do is find a new obsession...
digs stalking kit out of bottom drawer*
written by  Koala Bear on April 14, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand

Random Nuggets Of Information #6
Having a Normal Life isn't generally conducive to a good blog. When I'm not holed up in the bunker awaiting the apocalypse with the Trashbag Association (read: sat in the laundry with two friends hoping reality doesn't set in any time soon after a particularly heavy night) I'm generally doing any one of the following;
Working...
On account of the fact that my current idea of Looking For Work consists of writing down phone numbers out of the paper then not actually calling them my job at Family bar is still my only source of income but this is fine because they give me loads of hours and I do really enjoy it there despite the fact drunk people drool a lot and like to shout their order directly into your brain and I have to empty my ear canals of saliva after every shift.
They also ask questions that annoy me, the current one being, "Where is everybody?" when they walk in early and the bar is still empty. Where is everybody. Well I don't know mate, I'm not everybody's fucking mother, shall I just call everybody in Auckland and ask them? I'd consult my magic crystal ball but it's in the shop being calibrated for Dumb Questions. Or maybe they just heard you'd be out and decided to stay at home tonight?
But anyway, most of my nights are spent there getting a room full of queers drunk.
Working Out...
Since I got back to Auckland I've eaten a lot of food and not actually moved much because I live across the road from work. This has resulted in rolls of fat that could insulate the whole of Siberia but as I wish to continue eating cake and drinking beer I joined the gym. All this did was make me sweat in an unpleasant manner and I discovered that I actually look thinner when I lie down anyway so I decided to spend as much time as possible horizontal instead, cancelled the membership after a month and used the spare cash to get a tattoo.
Getting Inked...
Shit I forgot how much these things hurt! It took about 3.5 hours to engrave this thing permanently into my flesh and there was a fair amount of butt clenching involved, especially when it got to the crook of my elbow.
And the healing? Christ they itch! They itch and they flake, there's bits of me all over the bar. I strongly advise everyone to check their drinks after getting served by me for signs of shedding.
I'd already told my mum over the phone I was getting this done so she didn't freak out when she saw the photos and she took the news quite well although I had just told her I was dating a dominatrix just minutes earlier so this was probably just a return to normality for her.
Treading The Path Of Discovery...
So I recently discovered that jalepenos burn more on the way back up than on the way down especially when they exit the body via the nostrils and as a direct result of this valuble lesson I am never eating jalapenos when I'm that hung over ever again.
Contemplating Fashion...
I watched the Phantom Of The Opera movie coz I'm all classy and sophisticated like that and now I want a big, black cape that I can swish when I exit the room.
I've also been fighting the urge to buy oversized, grey sweatpants to veg out in through the winter on account of the fact I'm sure it's compulsory to position yourself on the couch with hands down aforementioned grey sweat pants whilst watching TV and I don't have any testicles to rearrange and I'd just feel like I was missing out on something.
Jumping Off Stuff...
Because this will never get dull. My mate Alyssa wanted to jump off something before she left NZ and I'd had my little heart set on jumping off the Auckland Harbour Bridge and Telaina was easily coerced into it when she was drunk ("Wanna come jump off the bridge on Monday?" "Yeah Ok...") so on the 15th June we duly rocked up to be harnessed up and lead out to the jump pod underneath the bridge. And here's a random detail; the jump pod has a disco ball. There's really no escaping the gay bar in this city ay.
As much as I love classic bungy where you shuffle to the edge with your feet tied and bounce around upside down wondering what the hell to do with your arms, seeing as I'd done it before, they asked me if I wanted to jump attached to the harness around my body instead, that way I could run and jump off if I so chose to. Fucking awesome! I went for that option.
Alyssa And Telaina; Jump Buddies
Alyssa Harnessed Up
One More Time
Off She Goes Again
Telaina On The Edge
When you do a harness jump they throw jump ideas at you such as jump, tuck and somersault or as you jump, turn and look back at the jump pod and fall backwards because this is an awesome feeling. Bitch, please! I wasn't even sure I'd remember to let go of the elastic I had to hold on to as I ran to avoid tripping over, let alone anything else. And run? What is this run of which you speak? I resembled a crippled giraffe as I lolloped along the platform to the edge and hurled myself over but I did remember to let go of the elastic AND I rememebered to turn around and shit yes! It's a fucking amazing feeling as you plummet towards the water, watching the bridge get further and further away from you before the harness catches you resulting in what can only be described as the Mother Of All Wedgies.
I still dream about bungy but as fun as the water touches are, I'm thinking I wanna get bigger now. Higher jumps, longer freefalls, bigger thrills.
I await the panicked phone call off mum.
Thinking Deep Thoughts...
Is it a condition of power ballads that you have to resemble a drag queen in order to belt out these great hits of the 80s?
written by  Koala Bear on July 1, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand

How To Relax In Queenstown
So apparently Queenstown isn't all about jumping off stuff or out of things. No, really, it's possible to visit to NZ's adventure capital and leave with your adrenalin levels at a level your heart doctor would approve of and your internal organs where you left them.
My best mate in Auckland, Rohan (affectionatly known as Rosie), was going to Queenstown to chill out for a couple of nights and press the reset button and he needed someone to go with. I hadn't seen my reset button in a while. It was probably rusty from the lack of pressing and living and working on one of the noisiest road in Auckland wasn't doing anything for my stress levels so off I went to the south island to gaze wistfully at snowcapped mountains and think about skiing. Only think about it, mind, I'm quite fond of my teeth where they area and my face the shape it is.
So here's your cut out and keep guide to surviving Queenstown with your nerves intact.
ONE: Stay at the Crowne Plaza because Rosie doesn't do shared dorms. I'm not used to accommodation that supplies towels and has housekeeping and Sky TV in the bedrooms with a remote control that works. At the places I stay we're lucky if someone hasn't stolen the TV from the shared area but here we had a double bed each, ideal for reclining on as one sips cheap bourbon from the 1.5 litre plastic bottle. Yep, I reckon with practice I can achieve the level of class I know I'm capable of; just slightly above the gutter.
Rugged Up And About To Take On Q'Town
So Very West Auckland
TWO: Instead of standing at the edge of a platform 134 metres above a canyon with your feet bound together with velcro or hanging out of a plane at 15000 feet with a man called Dave strapped to your back, if you want to be high up why not take the gondolas instead? Much more relaxing and doesn't require that you pack a change of undies.
We headed to the top and I actually had to walk past a bungy jump, The Ledge.
Walk. Past.
Do you know how hard that was? I SO wanted to do it but my budget said no. Actually my budget openly laughed at me, slapped me round the chops and told me to go for a luge ride instead so we did which I managed to do without adding to my fine collection of scars.
The Only Way To Luge
Remarkables; The Perfect Backdrop To Queenstown
A cup of tea later and it was back down the hill by gondola to discuss the possibility of starting a knitting circle or a bridge club or something else that reflected our new found calm on our return to Auckland.
THREE: Fergburger. You can't visit Queenstown without at least one burger from there. Of course, if you're on a relaxation kick it's best to avoid the Big Al and settle for something smaller and less dangerous to your intestines, a burger that perhaps doesn't fight back when you attempt to bite into it.
FOUR: Ahh, the Shotover Jet, a rip roaring ride up the Shotover river complete with 360 degree spins and uncomortably close encounters between your head and sharp rocks. If one were an adrenaline junkie as opposed to a classier act that stays in establishments such as the Crowne Plaza one would embark on this jet of which they speak and get those juices flowing, most probably out through their anus. Me and Rohan, however, much prefered to sit in a vat of hot water and watch the action from afar from the Onsen Hot Pools.
Rosie Meets Fergburger
View From The Hot Pools
The Less Hectic Way To Check Out The Jet
Fuck. Yes. Totally and utterly worth a visit, they even pick you up from town and drop you back off afterwards, fabulous for those that shudder at the idea of public transport.
That was possibly one of the most needed mini breaks I'd ever been on. Me and reality don't get on very well together, this Normal Life thing, although it's made me heaps of fantastic friends and I really do love Auckland as my home, normality has a way of driving me insane and I need to escape and press the reset button. I think we all do. Everyone needs to take that time out to just stop, take mental stock of whats going on in your life and your head, reevaluate if neccessary and refocus on your goals and what's really important to you.
Well that's my excuse for travelling and damnit, I'm sticking to it.
written by  Koala Bear on October 8, 2009 from Queenstown, New Zealand

New Year, New Decade, New Start
Despite the fact I worked New Years Eve I still managed to have a wicked night though I probably shouldn't have acepted EVERY shot offered to me or at least stopped when my basic motor functions began to deteriorate and the ability to swallow left me.
It was a fun night though with Family Bar's fashionably late countdown (trust the homos, late for everything as they finish straightening their hair and touching up their make up) and I managed to escape early and stumble to Ponsonby with my mate Suz to watch the Sunrise on the new decade.
Most of 2009 sucked like a $2 whore but I know 2010 is going to be awesome. As the sun rose over my adopted city I made just one new years resolution; To do whatever I damn well please.
written by  Koala Bear on January 2, 2010 from Auckland, New Zealand

Back To Rotovegas
Monday 4th April
On account of the fact saying goodbye is a bitch me and Ana decided to take our minds off it by heading to Rotorua to play in the white water because its pretty hard to concentrate on anything else when you're sliding over the edge of a 7 metre waterfall in a 4 metre raft. Nothing like near-drowning as a distraction so we jumped on the bus at some ridiculous hour on Easter Monday morning
Not Much Else To Do With Boiling Mud But Look At It
Last time I was in Rotorua I'd done the gondolas, sky swing and 5 luge rides for $60 and they were still offering that deal. The only times Ana had been to Rotorua were for athletics, she could tell you where the track was but didn't have a clue about anything else so we walked from the backpackers thro the park to the gondolas, checking out the geothermal stuff and things on the way. Couldn't tell ya how long this walk would normally take, we dawdled our way there on account of Ana's reluctance to be dragged 50 metres into the air followed by being sent plummeting at 150kph towards the ground on a giant swing. Amateurs. Sheesh.
Here's the thing with the sky swing; it doesnt matter if you've done it before, it doesn't make it any less terrifying as you watch the ground get further and further away, especially when you get to the top and are informed that no one else has any intention of pulling the rip cord.
Fuck.
I didn't have any intention either but someone had to do it, at some point at least one of us was gonna have to change our knickers for a pair with less skid marks and that's nigh on impossible when suspended 50 metres the ground.
Its not that hard once you resign yourself to it and yep, it was a repeat of last time with girly screaming I didn't know I was capable of all the way to the bottom followed by shakey legs and realising you're still holding onto the rip cord like it was going to save your life. SO much fun!
Lets face it, there's no dignified way to get on a luge no matter how much practice you've had, you'll always resemble a crippled foal trying to learn to walk assuming foals were less cute and wore pink helmets. And normally I don't like to talk competition (usually because I lost) but I kicked Ana's arse in every race down the hill though there was one point where I was waiting at the bottom for a good few minutes wondering what possessed me to bring my accident prone girlfriend to a place where I'd previously lost a small portion of my skin. Just as I was about to walk back up the track to find her with visions of mangled luge and the staff finding the pink helmet hanging from a tree three days later she came trundling around the corner complaining of bad brakes so she had to take it really easy.
With the images of roadkill gone I continued my winners gloating and finished all the tracks without adding to my fine collection of scars.
Tuesday 5th April
The life of a backpacker can be pretty hectic at times, if you're not scaring the fuck out of yourself on a giant swing you're dragging yourself out of bed at god awful hours to be picked up and taken to the next place where you'll be scaring the fuck out of yourself. In this case, white water rafting. Bring it the fuck on!
Ana was shitting herself and I don't think her mother will ever forgive me for taking her here but what the hell, the rafting I did in Queenstown was cool but I'd heard this one, the Kaituna river, was the best in the country with the biggest commercially raftable waterfall. The aforementioned 7 metre beast. Hehehe, I couldn't wait.
To add to the trauma we were advised that Kai meant food and Tuna meant eel in Maori, the river thus named for the abundance of eels which made it an awesome food source (if, indeed, you can bring yourself to put eel in your mouth) and it was in fact eel mating season which left Ana worrying about exactly what your legs looked like in a tight, black wetsuit while you were in the water.
Potential drowning and eel rape aside, it was fucking amazing. The four other girls in the raft were dragon boat rowers so their timing was perfect which left us free to concentrate on staying alive. There are three waterfalls, the first two are big enough to whet your appetite but not big enough worry about tipping. Then comes the one we'd all been waiting for. They do give you the chance to get off the raft and walk round but where's the fun in that?
We got into position and watched the first raft go over the edge. They were gone for ages, they'd tipped at the bottom, apparently this happens about one in 6 times but they righted themselves and then it was our turn. A few good paddles from the Asian girls and scared attempts at paddling from us then it was hold on and get down and over we went, totally vertical until we hit the bottom of the falls, went under and emerged upright. Purely because we're awesome of course.
Yay-yah!
We were bussed back to base where we got an hours break then no sooner had we got the feeling back into our fingers it was time for white water sledging. People who have read this before will know that me an our kid did river boarding in Queenstown. Sledging is easier, instead of having a body board with a bit of cord that you have to cling to whilst maintaining a pose that your left arm will never forgive you for, you have two good hand holds and a plastic thing much more suited to going over rapids. The basic rules are "hold the hell on" and "turn your head." Turn you head when going over the rapids in case the sledge jolts up to meet your head when you hit the water. Teeth are impossible to find in moving water.
And no, you're not sent over the waterfalls. That'd be pushing the adrenalin levels even for me, I like to live life on the edge but only when I'm harnessed to a safety rope and there's a team of trained professionals on hand to make sure I don't die.
And what better way to finish off a day in Rotorua than with a huge all you can eat feed at Valentines where I ate til I had to be rolled to the Polynesian Spa. We spent the evening cooking ourselves in hot water til we headed back to the backpackers for another early night.
The Only Way To Finish The Day
See Ana, beware of dating people that much older than you. Some of us just can't take the pace.
written by  Koala Bear on April 7, 2010 from Rotorua, New Zealand

Came, Saw, Went Up Some Hills And Stuff
So there were two things left in Auckland for me to do which I'd had ample opportunity to do in the last year but hadn't because of weather or an inability to get out of bed before midday. One was Rangitoto Island which you can see from a lot of Auckland and the other was the Sky Tower, an integeral part of my navigational system. Lost? Head towards the tower.
9th March
Aaaanyways, the first one I made it to was Rangitoto ("Bloody Skies" in Maori), a now dormant volcano which was formed about 700 years ago. It must have looked fucking amazing to the Maoris living on Motutapu Island, next to it. Amazing and completely terrifying, it was formed by a series of explosions over 200 years as magma forced its way through the sea bed and met the cold water, making it the youngest of Auckland's ridiculous amounts of volcanos. For now anyway, nothing to say some part of Auckland isn't going to explode again at some point in the future...
Rangitoto Island
So me and Ana dragged ourselves out of bed and headed to the ferry terminal to catch the 9:15am boat to the volcano carrying sandwiches and bottles of water, everything we'd need providing we didn't miss the ferry home and get stranded on the island overnight. Nothing to worry about then. Nothing at all.
We jumped off the ferry and began the tramp to the summit. Summit. As in upwards. A hot, sweaty walk up a hill. How very romantic.
At The Bottom...
Let's Doooo It!
Send The Little One In First
Its a nice enough walk but nothing much to tell apart from the lava caves, formed by lava (go figure) which then cools, solidifies on the outside then the centre drains out. I recommend you bring a torch or someone smaller than you to send in first, just in case. There's not much to worry about apart from spiders though which is scary enough for me, I fucking hate the eight legged demons so that made it Ana's job to scout while I gave her encouraging words such as, "You're doing great, baby!" and, "Don't fall over or anything, I ain't carrying you back!"
Never let it be said that I don't know how to treat a girl.
There's only one thing scarier than a cave that could contain spiders and that's a volcano that DOES contain a large quantity of kids on a school trip. Once we were at the top we hung back a bit and ate some food while the hoards of children did what children do best and irritated the hell outta me.
The view was worth the wait though, once they'd cleared off we chilled out and enjoyed the fact that we weren't in the city.
From The Top
We made it back down with heaps of time to spare then it was back to the mainland to replace all those lost calories with beer and to tick Rangitoto off my NZ list.
9th April
Its hard to imagine the Auckland skyline without the Sky Tower. I have so many photos of it, I've been fascinated by it since I moved here, I've done the Sky Walk and the Sky Jump but I hadn't been up it just to hang out.
Up. Again. But at least this time there was a lift to transport you upwards to 192 metres so you could see exactly what Auckland would look like without the Tower assuming you were really really tall or could fly.
Ana, Me And Rangitoto
The whole entire tower itself is, like, 328 metres tall or something which makes it the tallest structure in NZ. Pretty easy to be considered tall in NZ though, its not a country of skyscrapers or anything. If I'd been good and ate my greens as a kid I'd prolly be a comparatively tall structure an all and in all honesty I reckon the big pointy spike thing on top is a bit of a cheat. It's like, we've built this tower an its really fucking tall but how do we make it even taller when all we have is all this metal stuff that resembles a spike?
Anyway. Ticked off the list. That's that.
New Zealand? Been there, done that.
written by  Koala Bear on April 9, 2010 from Auckland, New Zealand

Ka Kite Ano
Me And Ro, Cat's Bum Lips
When I got back to Auckland over a year ago I questioned the wisdom of laying down a foundation in a city I knew I'd have to leave. I didn't accumulate much material crap, nothing that couldn't be gotten rid of easily enough or left to the next person such as my mattress or chilli bin or fleas. I didn't have any particular sentimental attachment to my $48 DVD player or my yellow vomit bucket which doubled as a handy bedside table when I hadn't drunk too much and I wasn't even overly upset about leaving the half bottle of wine in the fridge although I did swear to sacrifice my liver on the alter of Bacchus for this wanton waste as soon as possible.
But what I couldn't help accumulating was friends; I've met some of the most awesome people in this city and laying down those kind of roots, as comfortable and fun as they are at the time, they run so deep it hurts so so much to rip them up and move on, leave without really knowing when or even if you'll be able to return. I was mainly nomadic in Australia, moving from backpackers to backpackers, city to city, town to town, rarely staying anywhere for more than a few months before the next road trip beckoned and me and my friends, old and new continued our journey. It was hard enough to say goodbye then, even after 2 or 3 months of knowing someone. It never gets any easier and you never get used to it.
Bandwagon; Kim, Nadia, Me And Loren
Here in Auckland I developed friendships from when I arrived back in March that have continued right through my time here until now. I've made new friends along the way, different circles, some who inter-mingle with eachother, some who don't. When you're away from home its these people who become your family, they pick you up when you're down and look after you when you have nowhere else to go. Everyone from the people you spend day in and day out with to the people you catch up with maybe once a month, they all play a part to make your life all the more richer and you can only hope that you can give them the same support and time that they give you, that you affect them in a positive way and you touched their lives like they've touched yours and not in a flithy way your mother wouldn't approve of. You wonder if they quite realise exactly how much they mean to you, indeed, do you even realise yourself until it comes down to that final day when you pack your bags, tie up the loose ends and say good bye to the people that have been your life for more than 12 months?
Ana And The Suz
I've been looking forward to this trip since I made the final decision to head to South America, bought my tickets and started thinking about what I wanted to see. I've bored the hell out of everyone banging on about Machu Picchu and the Galapagos Island, staring at a map of the continent blu-tacked to my wall. It's going to be an amazing trip but this isn't a holiday where I go for a few months then return to NZ. My visa is up, I have to leave and head back to Europe so I can earn the money to come back, I have no time frame nor can I realistically provide one. Its bitter sweet. Sweet because I'll be back doing what I love the most, travelling and not caring, having no responsilities, living day to day, making real a dream I've had for a while to visit this stunning place I've only read about before or seen on TV. Sweet because so many changes happened around the same time thanks to the new moon and the equinox that this was, essentially, the perfect time to leave. But bitter because I know I'll miss everyone here, I'm leaving behind a network of trust and support to jump out of my cosy little comfort zone and back into the unknown. And I'm leaving behind Ana.
Leaving Drinks
Me And The Mrs
Me And Naaaatalieeee
I'm all for stepping out of the comfort zone, in fact I think it's important to do it as much as possible, do the things that make you a little scared or nervous but at the same time make you feel exhilarated and free. You have to push the boundaries to live a little, I love it, I fucking love it so much, it makes me feel alive! I can't wait to land in a country where I have a pathetic grasp of the language. I did take Spanish lessons but I have to get people to repeat themselves in english, I'll be stuffed when they start rattling off in a language where its impossible to distinguish where one word ends and the next one starts. I usually favour the "blank stare" technique when faced with such situations but I'm determind to pick this language up. I can't wait to not know where I'm going to be from week to week, I can't wait to meet other travellers, hear their stories and see their photos, to wander round a town for hours trying to work out where the hell I am and decipher signs and directions given by locals to find where I need to be.
Adam, Keeping It G-A-Y
But shit, I'll miss my life here in Auckland. I'm leaving my friends, my relationship with Ana which, by the way, is a fucking awesome relationship. I'm going to miss her SO much. I can't put it into words.
I'm even going to miss my job. Who misses work?! I'm not well suited to work, I'm definately more of a good for nothing backpacker layabout but I'll miss it. Apart from karaoke nights. My ear drums still haven't forgiven me for accepting those shifts.
But at the end of the day life goes on, it has to. Change is constant and neccessary, if it wasn't for change I'd never have met any of these people that I'll miss so much, I'd never have left the UK, shit I'd still be living in Stockport making lampshades for a living. As one era comes to an end a new and fabulous era opens and not just for me, for the people I'm leaving behind. I know Ana will miss me as much as I'll miss her (and that's prolly the first time I've been able to say that in this blog, usually I've done something or other to piss them off by now), there's was nothing wrong with our relationship, it was amazing, it was merely immigration circumstances that mean we can't be together. But as painful as it is for both of us we both have new opportunities we need to take full advantage of. I have South America then who knows? She has her new job and her new mates that came along at just the right time. It doesn't mean we'll love each other any less and we'll still miss each other like mad.
But like I say. Life does indeed go on. Time to move on.
Time for a new era.

So Very West Auckland

Rugged Up And About To Take On Q'Town

Rosie Meets Fergburger

The Only Way To Luge

Remarkables; The Perfect Backdrop To Queenstown

View From The Hot Pools

The Less Hectic Way To Check Out The Jet

Ex #2

Ex #1

Me And The Future Ex :p

Not Much Else To Do With Boiling Mud But Look At It

The Only Way To Finish The Day

Yay-yah!

Rangitoto Island

From The Top

At The Bottom...

Let's Doooo It!

Send The Little One In First

Oh Good!

Ana, Me And Rangitoto

Bandwagon; Kim, Nadia, Me And Loren

Adam, Keeping It G-A-Y

Me And Naaaatalieeee

Me And Ro, Cat's Bum Lips

Ana And The Suz

Leaving Drinks

Me And The Mrs

I Just Like This Photo Ok?

Flying Hiiiigh

Auckland From The Air

First Views Of NZ

Me And Javier On A Night Out

Cable Car

Wellington Cable Car

Me And Mel In The Cable Car Museum

Kinda Need Sun For Shadows

Botanic Gardens

Welly At Night From Mt Victoria

Rowena's Lodge, Wellington

Lone Seal

Red Rock Seal Colony

And How Can I Help YOU?

Auckland, My New Home... For Now

Shaggin' Wagon

The Last Bit Of The One Tree

A Windswept Kama And Me

Gregg And Bexster

One Tree Hill

Working Hard

Me, Bex And Our Downs Syndrome Smiley

Cunningly Arranged Rocks

Our Contribution To The NZ Landscape

Surprised She's Not In Heels An All

The Four Of Us On Mt Eden

The Harbour

Auckland Harbour Bridge

Driving Over The Bridge; Which I Do Every Day

On Top Of North Head

My Girl And Her City

All Pretty And Lit Up And Stuff

Obligatory Reflection Photo

Auckland

Sunset From Kama's Deck Over Muriwai Beach

X-Ray Vision

Road Tripping

Tane Mahuta

Shame I Can't Surf

Tapotupotu

Toooo Cold For Kama

Making Kama Be A Tourist

Where The Oceans Meet

Cape Reinga

The Psycho Slope

Rotopokaka (Coca Cola) Lake

Rainbow Falls

Sunburn Cure?

My Cousin Matt

Applying Make Up... Before A Swim Tour

Rocky The Parrot

Yah We Look Hot!

Just As Charming Under The Water

You Have No Idea How Long It Took Me To Dig This!

Andi And Her Tent. Proud As, She Was.

Alex And Me

And The Award For The Cutest Thing Ever Goes To...

Me And Andi Looking Every Inch The Kayaking Professionals

Covered In $2000 Worth Of Pussy

Looking Like We Know What We're Doing

Wentworth Falls

Dickey Flats River

Dickey Flats

...When You're THIS Wasted??

Is It Legal To Sign Contracts....

Now Imagine Two Screaming Poms...

Luxury, Mate!

How Hot Are We?

Practising...

Note The Terrified Grin

Be Glad It Ain't Smell-O-Vision

Spiky, Me, Sam And Tash

Chicks Dig Scars

Fucking...

Gooooodddddd!!!!

Grr An Things

You Know Ya Want Me

The Man With The Soap

Lady Knox Bollocks

Champagne Pool

Huka Falls At 90% Flow

Lake Taupo, The Great Lake

Mt Ruapehu

Mt Ngauruhoe (Mt Doom)

Fresh And Ready To Go

Utterly Destroyed

Come An Av A Go If Ya Think Ya Ard Enough!

And Photo Number 24,587 Of Mt Doom. Starstruck? Us?

Not Even Halfway There Yet

The Red Crater

Emerald Lake

Tongariro National Park

Less Than Impressed

Part Of The Devil's Staircase

Made It!

Knackered Already

Quick Tourist Stop

Going Up...

View From The Chair Lift

Chilling, Quite Literally, In The Snow

Denise The Snowdyke

Do You Need A Mop For That Mess You Just Made When You Came Just Looking At It?

Lake Taupo; The Great Lake

Lady Knox Tourist Circus

Symbolic New Start

Totally East As

Loving This Jump Suit

Hovering Over Auckland

KT, Nadia And Me

One More Time

Telaina On The Edge

Off She Goes Again

Alyssa Harnessed Up

Alyssa And Telaina; Jump Buddies

Christchurch Cathedral

The Fun Bus

Goose Bay

Rained Off

On A Mission For Seals

Spot The Seal

Obligatory Tail Shot

Spot The Whale

Sunset Over Hanmer Springs

Sitting In A Bath Of Arse Getting Nommed On By Flies. Fun.

Maruia Springs

Obligatory Kiwi Sign Photo

Franz Josef Glacier

Not Quite The Mirror Lake Now Is It?

And Would Madam Like Anything Off The Death Menu?

Dawn

Fox Glacier

Like The Boots?

Yeah We Rock

I *Heart* DEET

Big Little Sister

Faces That Follow You Around The Room

Always Knew I Should Have Been Taller

The Most Fucked Up Room Ever!

The Road To Glenorchy

And Why Were We Jumping Out Of This Thing Again?

Scuse My Drool

Nat's First Skydive

All Ready To Go. Readyish Anyway.

Shane And The Wee Welshman

Safely Back On The Ground

Morning Jaunt Up Shotover River

Signing Ya Life Away

The Canyon Swing Platform

Golem Of Lord Of The Rings Fame

Yeah Yeah, I'm A Pussy

Shane Before His Canyon Swing

Its The Waiting That's The Worst Part

One Of The More Exciting Parts Of The Rafting

The Nevis Highwire Bungy

Pre Jump Grimace

Off He Goes

Looooong Way Down!

Grinning Nervously In The Face Of Danger

Falling 134m

Getting Ready To Jump

Nat Hanging Below The Jump Pod

Snow On The Mountains

View From 12 Mile Delta Campground

Rapids Position

About To Take On Big Al

Mitre Peak

Bowen Falls

Hangin Valley

Big Hairy Slugs

Stirling Falls

Doubtful Sound

Lake Manapouri

As Close To Antarctica As I Wanna Get

Petrified Forest; Ooooh And Stuff

Niagara Falls. No, Really.

And If You Look Closely You Can See A Dot...

Rather You Than Me, Mate

Blue Skies Ahead

Lake Tekapo

The View Over Lake Pukaki

Twins?!?

Crisping

Suitable Only For People Wearing Backpacks With A Penchant For Hills Who Actually Consider Walking To Be An Enjoyable Pastime As Opposed To A Neccessary Evil In Order To Keep In Some Kind Of Shape And To Allow More Cake Consumption.

Suitable For Lazy Bastards, Midgets And Claire.

More Suited To Lazy Bastards With An Aversion To Inclines Unless There's A Promise Of A Licenced Premises At The Summit. No Backpack Required.

Killing Time

Iz Onna Bus Bein A Chav Init

Christchurch Gondola

Pancake Rocks

Coz They're Layered. Like Pancakes. See?

Damn Thing Looked Away Just As I Took This. Ya Can't Trust Nature To Pose For Photos.

Napier; Art Deco Capital Of The World

Waving Goodbye To The South Island

The Only Way To Wake Up

Here We Go Again

View From The Spa

Polynesian Spa

The East As Bus

Stingray Feeding

Tatapouri

And Stingray Mauling

Sunrise Over Tatapouri

How Many Backpackers Does It Take To Start A Van?

Rock Sliding

Piece Of Cow

Finished Product

Bit Of Powdered Cow

Proper Artist, Me