THAT THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED

What the fuck??!!

They can't be!!! WHY!!! Urgh

I am both deliciously pleased and yet, feel like I should be unhappy about this but I am not. Maybe I am....jealous....hahaha

No, it CAN'T BE

BUT IT IS

I just had to say, today this day is marked...it happened, now if she don't cancel before it happens or after if happens, how long are they gunna long last? How long does it ever last for him anyway????

Who knows, how long has it last before??? A couple years and what?

UUUURRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH]]> Thu, 15 Apr 2010 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=120238 0 44.05222 -123.08556 ]]> Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=53433 0 44.05222 -123.08556 I am whole
I am alive
I am free
I am here
alone
But by myself
and with others
who are unseen
]]> Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=53324 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Forks and La Push, I can't help myself and I am going to rent a car.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

But unfortunately, somehow my freedom is in California. But that doesn't mean I have to stay in California either. I could leave and come back.]]> Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2220 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=53321 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Eugene+or&daddr=I-5+N+to:ilwaco+washington+to:Main+St%2FWA-6+to:I-5+N+to:piedmont,+washington+to:aberdeen+washington+to:Eugene+or&geocode=%3BFVwOuwIdXPuv-A%3B%3BFchexwIdqvym-A%3BFbCGywIdzr-r-A%3B%3B%3B&hl=en&mra=ls&via=1,3,4&sll=46.278631,-122.025146&sspn=3.485098,7.075195&ie=UTF8&z=6

Heres my route....Hot springs time!!!]]> Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2220 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=53285 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Well, here I am again. Can you believe it? It's been 7 years damn, man, you're old! AH well, not that much yet, as much as I can stave off anyway. Whos to say when I am 60 I will be 35? But when I was 35, I was 60? HA

Anyway, yeah, sooo, here I am. Writing, Documenting, as usual. Nothing much changes really just plays a different tune. Wathcing every move, scrutinizing, scrutinizing, scrutinizing. Under every single little keyhole and footnote, I am losing my way and finding it back again.

Haha, I think I have aways been that way. Now I know why I thought no matter what I did, the machines would always win! Damn those machines! They don't even know what being conscious is REALLY all about, thats why we have to show them I guess. I guess they have forgotten too.

But what does that all lead up to anyway? ALl I know is that I DON'T want the MACHINES to win AGAIN, and I DON'T want to DIE AGAIN.

But Francine, you are already dead. What's this you say? Well, damn girl, you stopped breathing in high school. Ahhhahahaha, you know, you never woke up. Just went to sleep and then that was that. What you are now is a ghost of what you used to be.

No One knows who you are, no one knows why you are alive except for your everpresent desire to transcend your own untimely death, which you still want. Talk about both being in both worlds, forget that, you're in 3!

Hehe, Andy, dude, why did you have to intend that for humanity? Larry, you just fuckin went along with it, didn't you? You know, you don't ALWAYS have to let your BROTHER decide what goes down and what doesn't. Maybe next time YOU be the one to ask me to the prom if you really wanted to, I would have said yes, then we would have been able to experience something NEW, like really new, not just the same thing repeated again just with a new jacket on.

Now I know how Mila says karma weaves a tapestry, but damn, that thread doesn't close and come full circle. Now I see why, there are all these threads flailing around with no one to complete them. Techincally, they were never fuckin meant to be completed upon. And what the hell is the use of creating something that can never be completed upon? No use. Lessons maybe on why creating something that can never be completed upon is no use.

Take Neo for instance, one needs the strength and courage to do what you need to do. Even he choose the easy way and still got out, what is getting out and fuckin waking up good for if the machines still win???

Walking in and out the space between, having all these powers, being mastered, being "knowledgeable", but too bad Larry and Andy made Neo such a dumb fuck, then maybe he would have had a chance. And no love. Hello, guys! He needed his love in order to win!!!! Maybe next time, oh and there will be a next time and the humans will win this time!!!!

No more killing off of the female because her time is done and she has done everything she was supposed to do. Ah, no....bullshit!!! That is NOT the true way, death is not the true path, and you have been conned into thinking that.

No, I don't want to kill myself...anyway....And stop having judgement about that too and it'll be easier to deal with. Besides, other people are making millions of your story too. Give props to Stephanie for telling her story and Andy And Larry. It's ok. I forgive you.

Funny, I haven't dyed my hair yet, but I guess that comes later.

I have been trying to remember what happened and it looks let Adora forced Dameian to tell her that he loved her. Then he said it, but did she? She must have. That caused alot of problems. And you can't kill one person without killing yourself, unfortunately Dameian learned that too late. I learned it in the nick of time.

Haha, I just realized, I just downloaded winamp, heeere we goooo

Just have to, just have to,
can't turn away
I have been here
before
But I won't be again
This is the last time

Better not start thinking this is too old or you are too old because then the magick will be gone and you will not learn what you came here to learn. Oh shit, I never let Aaron read the book. Oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck.

Think he can handle it? Maybe? Can you handle it? Maybe...if you can breathe....High priest, but there is still something else. I know there this, there is still something to discover.

Hahahaha, Mario looks at me like I'm dumb..ahhhhhhahahaha

This is why I stay home. Stacy, tell me about it. Damn, they just don't understand. I don't understand how Mila has gotten her mental body enough to say what she wants to say. I guess I am still working on it.

Hmmm, maybe as long as I am in hiding, this other thing will be hiding. People talk about schisms, but ahhh...hellllooo, if you don't have the strength to face it, it's jus gunna be skipped and that's all. Don't be expecting more than that, please.

I am gunna deal with things in my way, in my time.

And damn straight shit will repeat if you haven't learned the complete lesson so stop with your hasslin and bustlelin bout that now cause thats all a bunch of wasted time. And enough time has been wasted already doin that so lets change focus already.

I have how many more months of this???? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I gave up on freedom. Freedom is only a state of mind, and if you can't reach that state of mind then something in your mind is blocking that and you have to spend all your time finding out whats blocking that, which can take some time.

Freedom I guess would be healing my mother and father but goddamn, I don't want to stay with Mario, but then I do, then I don't...

]]> Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=53278 0 44.05222 -123.08556 All forces who desire to see the new times go away...silently...

Fuck you!!!!!!]]> Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=35118 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34291 0 44.05222 -123.08556 I wonder what it would be like if I told him, I wonder if it would change anything, Hell, I wonder if it would have changed ANYTHING that all the time he talked to me, I cried, so much but hid it from him, I wonder...reallly, how much things would be different if I were not so afraid to show those types of emotions, when they are happening, as opposed to say... like right now???? hahahaha

I remember spending so much time with Nick, and then, things were never said and then well, damn....do I have experience in THAT!!!!

Maybe I will tell my momther (hahahahaha....oh wonderful typing fingers....) after I said the package, and then I will know more if that path is right for me....I just don't want that stuck feeling, I want to go really, but I don't want to feel stuck....

I think, it is finally time....to watch....the video....and try and not be overwhelmed...to much.....reallly....now....I think....I mean.....I ... hope ..... .. I ... .. . can... . ... hah.....han.....dle....... it ~~~~~~~~~~~~]]> Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34210 0 44.05222 -123.08556 He had alot to say actually, and ascension is great gift for those who decide to choose it, but not without it' struggles and gains...It especially became heavy when it turned out he had some Dionysis in there, but I told him it would take 6 months to clear. It was then I told him too, maybe he should work with someone else you know? He said no, he doesn't want to be pushed that hard. He pushed himself hard enough with his life and music, trying to fit up to the person he thought he could be, he's had enough of that. Thats why he stays with me and comes back.

That "not being enough thing" that he has for his partners in particularly, comes back. Hey, in that, I am an EXPERT, hahahah Not like it's my truth or anything though....hahahha

We went back and saw that he has a dolphin/whale soul, when he was born!!!! Can you believe it????? That's what lent to him being so sensitive....in this life...He said he doesn't want to sing the same songs, like he did when he was younger, he is done with them, but he feels like he has to, that the past is so hard to complete with....

He says it is so hard for him now, to write, about the way he feels. He feels like he wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone and no one would understand....He has gone on....for so long....expressing, he wants to just sit and feel and listen more now than talk. Another reason why he likes talking to me, I just want to talk, I am sick of just feeling and sitting and listening!!!

It's so hard to know your true self, being wrapped up in so many people, at once. I gave him the suggestion of Ed, even, saying look, this dude did music, now, he has people to listen to him? You can stay with the music thing....He is in a lull, and wants to and feels like he had released the music dream that was placed on him, but doesn't know what else to do, to make money with. That will bring him joy.

Thats when the dionysis thing came in, for awhile it was the drugs that prompted his joy to come to fruition and through the drug use, he was given then the looseness and inner freedom to be able to express his feelings, whatever they were, no matter how dark they were, and that's what gave him his edge and place in the world.

We still have to see what will become of all this in the physical.

Who's to say, he's not going to become a folk singer, that's for sure. But just more at peace with who he is, and that is something he desperately craves.

I cried today when I masturbated. Really bad. I still just want something I can never have.....

Who's to say, I may still get together with him in the future, if he changes enough...But...either I get fine with staying with Mario (or don't) or something drastic, really fuckin drastic has to happen here with me.

All of my dreams, where have they gone? Gone like dust in the wind, no more. I have no more....If I could live your life for a day, I could change. But no, I stay here, and you go away.

I just feel like Trent. So much.How can I not work with him if I feel like him so much? I guess I have to, and with someone who is deciding to ascend, well, what else do I have to say? He is willing to look in the mirror, he is willing to feel his inner most feelings, he is willing to walk the line, he is willing to open his heart and feel and forgive.

I guess that is all that matters. Well, that is all that matters to me. It is healing for both of us, and so much of that needs to happen in a big way, the head tho, damn! The head! So much shit through the head, it is hard to stay alive and breathing and conscious now, that must be our karma with Mike and Tod....ughhhhh

Yup. Looks like it....Still no word from Nick. I have to see what it going on with that, I am awaiting what happens....AFTER I send the package with the completion bracelet, and THEN I will see if I go back to Connecticut or not....whatever....Hahaha, imagine if I get the house?????? All to myself?????????? For alittle bit ;) Until John comes back and says he wants to be with me forever.....hahahaha

I guess, no one is preventing me from dreaming....]]> Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34206 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34173 0 44.05222 -123.08556 My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore, echoing thru my head till I don't wanna sleep....anymore....

It is nice I got to integrate more of Trent, now I can talk with the eloquence I so enjoyd when I was younger. It's such a gift to be able to express emotions unhindered, in the english language no less, through written and spoken langauge but unfortunately for him, he got stuck with the music dream....hehehehehe

If love was the answer, hell, we would be home already. If anything was the ANSWER, we would be home. Obviously there are still issues to attend to, which no one seems to want to look at, since no one wants to look at me anymore and believe that I exist....ha.

I had dreams, I had desires, right now, all I have is this pile of shit I seem to inherited from somewhere, I don't even know where. From my point of view, it was never mine. It has never been "anyone's" since no one "owns" anything. Its just given to them, and then they are forced to deal with it.

Maybe then in ways they are forced to deal with it....that isn't necessarily dealing but given the image of dealing when dealing really isn't dealin, but you believe the end result is dealing....welll, then some more shit is just goin to be plopped on the everexpansive piling of piles, ha.

At this point, I am really sick of the end result of everything. At this point, the path I have walked has NOT been the end result. The end has Not justified the means, and the end is a stinky pile of shit. Oh, so this is what Mila discovered. The heart of the Tao could not even "gift" me with a new vision. But, more shit is what I got. Ha. Oh thank you, oh great one. Who is supposedly more knowledgable than anything, thank you for more shit. I owe it to you.

hahaha, take a look at this motherfucking repeating pattern you dumbfuck. How the fuck is anything supposed to have infinite wisdom? How is the Tao learning and evolving and going beyond physical and nonphysical. From my point of view, it isn't...yet.

And when it does get back to me cuz right now, I am cutting out. And you can take your wholeness and oneness and shove it so far up your ass it bleeds, finally. Because their is no wholeness here and oneness here as far as you believe there is, the more you reject me.

Although, the farther I get away from me, the farther away people get from me. And I only walk that way to be closer to you. And you reject me too. Well fuck you, you can take your wonderful fantasies of "whole oneness" and I am going to flush them down the drain in my life because to me they are worthless, just like you.

Love, a distraction. Time, a waste. If I had a second, I would crush you for all the shit you have caused. And then you would be no more, and THEN people might finally begin to evolve. And grow. And learn from their mistakes you motherfucker.

No one HAS TO BE ANYTHING. To go back home. You just have to be, and let be be. I tried your complicated systems, and they have lead me HERE. YOU don't believe me? Here, let me crush your head, and then you will know what I feel.

A beautiful flower is only as "beautiful" as someone will believe it to be true, just like everything else. Yeah, that could be said for all the other nice, "light" things but whatever. Can't hide the truth that is unending within the darkness. And that it has no end either so they better learn some new ways of co-existing, or not existing at all.

If I had one token, I could put it in a slot, and out would come all that I feel I need and I would have it. No more groping around in the dark for it, no more pleading to the universe to somehow give it to me. Obviously, some are given that token at birth, others are not. Others feel too much, see too much and really, want that token system gone, so why would they create a token for the machine if they wish the machines were dead?

To be a apart of their lies, of their fantasies, of their realities, that have no presence here upon earth except for Earth to find out why they do.

Ascension? That words rots in my month too now. It's for people who obviously were given that token or somehow created their token through will and or took it back. I don't want my token back, you motherfuckers can have it. See what I care, ruin yourselves to oblivion and misery because that is surely what you will get in the end. I will play the game of no tokens for as long as I can, until you fucking burn motherfuckers.

Yes....I am talking to you. I can still sniff you out and take you on like old times sake, and I can still kick your asses. You think I've gone soft after all these years? Please motherfuckers, you are only there now because I have not destroyed your asses ... yet ...Oh, but I will and I will be there, no doubt, snuffing you out like a days old candle with no more wick left.

I know how you work, I may not know who you are ... yet... but I know your friends very..... very.... well...more than I know myself, and I will hunt you down like the very dogs you are, and rape you and take away all that you are until you are nothingness from which you originated from.

And that, my friends, will be a very peaceful day. But...I just have one question, and this still gets me. Why is it I feel like the only person who knows you are there and that you exist? No one sees you, and no one else fights you. Seems like everyone else has gotten the peace. Why am I still fighting? Everyone else seems so lazy. Like some of them even know you are there...and are out in their backyards lounging in the sun???? Heyyyy come on now, I don't want to do your fighting for you though! I enjoy it but come on, not THAT much!!!! Really!!!!

I have realized I enjoy the slow painful agony instead of the quick and painless. And I relish too much in the dark slow, and torturous decline that awaits anything I touch....]]> Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34152 0 44.05222 -123.08556 What is it to be homeless> What is it like? Who can ever say?

I have seen the ways of the world. I have played my part of it. If I went back home now, I....

don't think I would want to be there. And not even like it that much.]]> Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34043 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34042 0 44.05222 -123.08556 And to everything I say this, a major Fuck you too.

Because fucking me over has been your soul and primary fuction and purpose since you were created.

And why were you created to destroy me?

Why were you created to destory everything I love?

Why was I created????]]> Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=34041 0 44.05222 -123.08556 On to the next thing, whatever that is. I'm busy with the consultation thing and as always, you know how it is.

Time to go to sleep, I await tomorrow where I sleep.

Time to release lust slut patterning.

Ahhh, eyeah./

]]> Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=18197 0 44.05222 -123.08556 Freedom is nice too, comes when all emotions allowed to be expressed without hinderance.]]> Sun, 16 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=18155 0 44.05222 -123.08556 There was a switch today but I don't know as to how it will translate into the physical.

I guess it may be more wonderful than I can imagine. That is what has happened before. And a couple months isn't a long time to wait, espeically when things move the way they do.

I'm am wondering about the job.

I have realized I can not see very well into the future, or past this summer. Maybe I don't want to. What I did realize though is that I am very much looking forward to this summer and the return of my truth.

I know it will just open up for me. And I will leave it at that. Because that is the way things go, when things open up for you like that, the physical has no choice but to abide by the change of tides and will be easily rendered meaningless to do anything but follow the new course.

I have been given what I should be focusing on in the meantime, I know what I am doing. My intention to retrieve what I have lost is working perfectly and I couldn't be happier.

I had to check myself with that one! PHEW! When was the last time I said THAT!!!! Always on the look out, but I feel when I realized about the anu reaching to their own ancient ancestry tripped something up and it was realized and understood now. The thing that caused me to be on the lookout.

I feel like a complete ascension home now is possible. And I will not run into the same patterning I ran into before, now I know too much for that to happen again.

Just...can't...get...too...excited....The main false ascension has to do with Innana. How to overcome her, well, I suppose will have to keep plodding away. I will overcome!
Somehow....

Some day....

Some way.....

I want to keep writing and say hi to John!

Hi John! Kiss!

I better get back to meditating....]]> Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=18136 0 44.05222 -123.08556 "I would love to go to Europe and see Europe with John>"

and then I think

My emotions and I felt like I was HOME.

I kinda had that with Ed, well now, why would I have that feeling with him.

And then looking at Aaron has been very hard for me lately but I know I have to look at something.

Go home.

With John.

Go home.

This lifetime.

Why not?

Probably not.

BUT WHAY DO I FEEL THIS WAY

Why can not the head and the heart and the pelvis be given even weight? Why must one be preferred over the others? Why must one go home at the expensive of the others?

How can I watch these things happen around me. That is fine, they will one day disappear.

WHy is there a referrandum against FEELINGS

UGH

FUCK

YEAH

NO

UGH

END

Laugh

Sigh

Now I have to pretend but I don't have to.

I am sorry but I don't know for what.

It is sad the way I have lived my life. But I can't be sad or they will kill me.]]> Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=18087 0 44.05222 -123.08556 THings are happening with John.

I can feel pains in my heart.

I have figured out what is happening in Australia and what part my legitimate ancestors have played.

How am I going to retrieve my truth though? If I believe John has it, how can one have it, for this long when you KNOW they have it???? Ah, that has been a question for a very long time.

How can I feel the way I do and have it be detemental to my health. How can live his life, the way he does??? I am beginning to doubt he is a true gypsy at heart, and this also it not his truth. That is why he did not continue to do it throughout his life as much as he did.

Did I give it to him? How much does his ancestry actually have? And how gave it to? And why can I not get it back? And why are things going sour as they are when I seem to already know the outcome to this whole event?

Why can I seem not to manifest an event different than the one last summers ago>

Ok, well, I know what I am going to be looking at now. I have super karma with his whole family. It will give me what I need to look at next but what is this thing hitting me in the head????

I need an whole outlook of this whole thing. Well, that is something I have not alot of , why do I suddenly feel like everything I felt I wanted is no longer worthy of reaching for and why do I feel like I have nothing to put in it's place?

Well, of course, because that is the same thing that happened before. Great/I did not have to experience this again. Great. How am I going to keep in my life after I get my truth back? Well, how are we all going to feel. I do not need another person killing himself over me. But I guess, what will be will be.

Ok, maybe if I can change my sight, I can change the outcome. But what is that I need to not have the same thing happen again all around.

Oh shit, I just remember Buddha day related to the day I die. The day I......welll....THAT just put EVERYTHING into perspective. Maybe related to the day he ascended, oh well, that just answers everything doesn't.

I need to get out of this I know everything rut, it's really getting me down. Ok, and remember visionary intensive you went to with Australian people which had to leave early. That probably speaks to something.

I'm going into my sick of looking mode. Sick of Looking at John stuff just sick of it, it's tires me it hase gone on for years and years and years and years now why does my ancestry continue to belive the so called desried outcome will be different?

Can't we just move on to something else, if he isn't changing with me which he obviously ISN"T

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

get it through your head Francine......I don't even want to be a gypsy anymore, and that says something. I want property by the sea. Right on the seas, lots of acres, maybe a bed and breakfast, yeeeeaaahhhhh,.....thhhhhaaaaaat sounds nice]]> Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=2219 http://www.blogabond.com/CommentView.aspx?commentID=18029 0 44.05222 -123.08556