Saying Good-Bye (James)

Today wasn’t what I was expecting. Usually on Christmas Eve, it’s all about getting ready for the next two days. My family is so huge and they all live in Sacramento that we always do Christmas Eve on my mom’s side…and Christmas Day on my dad’s side. This year…it wasn’t supposed to be any different.

Christmas Eve…begins at Christmas Eve. I was expecting to wake up…spend the morning lounging around and then get ready to go to my grandparents house at about 5 in the evening. So we got up…my sister is baking cookies (her normal addition to the festivities of the holidays)…and we begin watching “Crash.” Things are going smoothly…then the phone begins to ring…and ring…and ring. I hear in the background my sister talking about…”Oh Grandpa is fine. I saw him last night. There’s nothing to worry about.” Next phone call: “He’s just coughing up blood. Not too bad. He’s doing well.” Final phone call: “We’re on our way.”

I look up…and she tells me that we should head over to our grandparents house. Everyone over there thinks my grandfather is going to pass. My sister is still not worried. So I go take a leisurely shower and get ready to take off.

We get to my grandparents house and what a sight. He’s in a coma. He’s shaking and isn’t comprehending anything. They tell us to say our goodbyes. I new right then and there that it was coming close.

We all gathered in grandfather’s room and began praying. Throughout the prayers, I can’t stop crying. My grandparents were always there. Every day after school we would head to my grandparents house and wait for our parents to pick us all up. My grandfather would be the one to pick us up. There were about 8 to 10 little kids all piled up in my grandfather’s t-bird. But that’s what it was. It was our grandparents way of helping out.

My grandfather was always very strict. There are plenty of stories of how he would raise his voice at us and be constantly mad at us. Now, I realize why that was. A house full of 8 to 10 little kids…is tough to handle. But it was always there pleasure to do it.

So many thoughts going through my head today. I realized that this was the first time that I’ve watched someone die. It’s always been I would get the call that so and so has died. Watching my grandfather today…I don’t know if I could do it again. I don’t know if I can watch someone die. It’s hard. It’s been the hardest thing that I have had to do. Strange thing is that I’m glad that I got the opportunity to be there. My grandfather, as he passed, was surrounded by his family. Surrounded by the ones who loved him…and the ones that he loved. If I had my choice of how I wanted to go…that’s the way I would want to do it.

After my grandfather passed…it became a celebration. Death in my family isn’t about mourning their passing…but a celebration of life. There is a time where we do say our good-byes. Where we mourn their loss. But usually right after that…it’s time to celebrate their life. We gather outside and began telling stories of our grandfather. Each time someone took a shot…they had to tell a story of our grandfather. Sometimes it was sad…most times it made us laugh. Family is an amazing thing.

Today was also special in another way. I’m very thankful that both Rob and James were in town. It’s sort of my grandfather’s way of telling our family and showing our family that it’s ok that I’m gay. When Rob and James came up to Sacramento in July, my grandfather was in the hospital. At that point, he was given six months to live. Rob came in with me to the hospital room and I introduced me to my grandfather. After Rob left the room, my grandfather asked if Rob was my roommate. I said no…Rob was just my friend. He then asked me, “Is Rob your friend?” I knew at that point that my grandfather was trying to ask me if Rob was my boy friend. I answered, “No, he’s just my friend.” My grandfather either didn’t hear me or didn’t believe me that Rob was just a friend. Either case, it didn’t matter. He then told me that Rob and I should buy a house together. That in his honor, we should plant tomatoes and cili in the back yard. When these were ripe, that we should have him over and make him dinner.

This was my grandfather’s way of telling me that he is happy for me. That he’s accepting of me. That he’s giving me his blessing. For my grandfather to tell me that Rob and I should buy a house together…he’s basically telling me that we should get married. That it’s ok if I would be marrying a guy. That’s the ultimate blessing from my grandfather.

The reason for the tomatoes and the cili is that these were my favorite things to eat that my grandfather would make. My grandfather grew both tomatoes and cili in his backyard. As a child, he would prepare the tomatoes with bogoung or patis. So very very good. He would also always have a jar of pickled cili. When I left for college, he would always ask when I was coming back to visit. Whenever I would visit, he would make sure that I went home with tomatoes and a jar of pickled cili. It was my gift from my grandfather.

As I said goodbye to my grandfather today…I told him thank you for his blessing. Thank you for helping take care of us. Thank you for all your sacrifices. My grandfather was an amazing man. He fought in WWII. Was shot in WWII. Brought his family over from the Philippines and started over here with nothing. With nothing…he managed to gain everything.

****

So since this is our travel blog…I’ll get back to blogging about our travels. The trip has to now be changed. I won’t complete the entire journey across the country with Rob. I’ll be going with him until Chicago..and then I come back to Sacramento for the funeral. I’m sad that I won’t be able to finish the trip…but at least I can do parts of it. I hope to make it up to him some other time. I’ll just glad to get the extra days to spend with my best friend.

James

Saying Good-Bye (James)

Sacramento, United States