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West Coast Mission: Day 1

Lancelin, Australia


It felt weird leaving things the way they were with Swoop, we didn't exctly part on the best of terms for reasons I still haven't quite worked out and she was off to Newman to start her new job on the mines the same day we were due to head up the West Coast. I sort of felt like I should have dropped her at the airport and chased the plane down the runway waving a white hanky and shouting "Darling! Don't forget to write!"

Ah well, what's done is done, what will be will be and all that other bollocks.

Aaaanyways, joining me on the trip up the coast would be Loody (a German lass I know from Perth) and Bexster (English girl I know from Echuca) who were on the South West Loop, Darragh, an Irish bloke who was one of the first people I met at Rainbow Lodge when I moved in and Craig, an Aussie mate of Becky's from Esperance.

No sooner had Craig landed in Perth, we dragged him straight to the bottle shop to introduce him to the magic of goon; If he was going to be an honorary backpacker then he was going to have to learn to drink like one. We argued over what brand we should get, we all liked different ones, then we ultimately decided that they all taste as bad as each other so we settled for the cheapest. Backpacker rule number one; If its cheap enough you'll soon get used to it.
The staple diet of the South West Loop had been chilli and garlic so we stocked up on these as well. Of course we mixed the two with other ingredients such as Food but generally chilli and garlic were what we lived on. And here were we thinking that people avoided us in Rockingham because we were dancing to ringtones and singing London Underground at full volume in the shopping centre...

And we were off.... almost.

It was down to me to plan the route out of Perth because I'm a tyrant and a control freak, drove the lead car and had the maps and the free camping book. It took me about 15 minutes to find a route because, as Becky said, I'm easily distracted by shiny things and hot girls. Swoop was still on my mind. Damnit.

Eventually we made it to a rest stop about 20km south of Lancelin where I was deemed unsuitable to operate a telecommunications device whilst under the influence of goon and we had full signal here so my phone was switched off and handed to Becky to stop me making Phone Calls I Would Regret.

I'm such a sad cunt sometimes.

Anyway, that was day one. Not the most exciting unless your idea of fun is Woolworths in which case may I recommend Getting Out More but it was cool, we were finally on our way, Becky had the Big Scary Man (Darragh is 6'2") she'd been wanting all round the South West to protect her from axe wielding psychos and everyone got on.

Bring on the road trip.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 2, 2007 from Lancelin, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and WestCoast

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West Coast Mission: Day 2

Cervantes, Australia


Lancelin; Has some fucking big piles of sand. There was only one thing for it, fork out $10 for a board so we could spend two hours sliding down them. Or in my case, sitting halfway down the dune making that noise you only make when you accidently bang your tail bone.

I couldn't get past halfway before my bottom half started moving faster than my top half and I ended up landing so hard my anus felt like it had retreated into my lower intestine and gone on strike thus ensuring I'd never shit again. That didn't stop me trying again though... Sandboarding, not shitting that is.

Only Loody and Craig made it to the bottom standing up, the rest of us muttered vague excuses about the boards being dodgy or there not being enough wax on them and of course the sand was still a bit damp from the recent rains and I must have left my sense of balance in England or something and who wants to get to the bottom anyway coz you'd only have to get back up again right? It's good fun though and as it's The Only Thing To Do In Lancelin you should definately give it a go if you're doing the West Coast.

After scraping the sand out of our pockets and various other places it had no right being we handed the boards back in and continued north to Cervantes, home of the Nambung National Park and the Pinnacles Desert.

The Pinnacles are, surprise surprise, some rocks. Its clinically proven that the best way to make rocks interesting is alcohol or sunset and as me and Loody had to drive, sunset it was. We rocked up and paid our $10 per car entrance fee then entered the desert, expecting to see a few rocks sticking out of the ground.

There's thouands of them of varying sizes, it's actually pretty fucking awesome. You can drive though them, park up and go for a wander. There weren't too many people there either, I think all the coach tours are there in the middle of the day, it's an eerie place to be. I'm a cold, cynical bitch, I'm not easily impressed by stuff unless its shiny or has breasts or isn't a rock but I thought it was wicked there and the sunset was cool an all.

In case anyone gives a fuck, they'e formed by limestone and erosion and something about quartz blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. That doesn't explain why they're only there and nowhere else in Australia or at least the region so me and Darragh found a better explanation. They're alien eggs. Obviously. Think about it. Goon might help or maybe some hard drugs.

Camping in the National Park is illegal and you'll be hit with a $1000 fine if they catch you but there's loads of free camps in the area around Cervantes with tables and chairs and fire pits you're not allowed to use on account of the total fire ban. After the sun had set we found the nearest one and set up camp for the night and lit some tea lights and it was then that I decided I was going to show Loody how to change the gas bottle on her stove using the candles as a light.

Can we spell r-e-t-a-r-d?

Oh come on, I didn't expect a little bit of gas to escape did I, I'm not a fucking fortune teller and... what..? what was that..? I don't understand, what is this "Common Sense" of which you speak...?

After I'd put the small blaze that shot up my arm out and run around in very small circles like a headless chicken with one foot nailed to the floor while I tried to decide if I should run away or kick the flaming gas stove away from Becky's tent the fire burnt itself out and I thanked the god of People Who Don't Think Too Much that I'd managed to screw the fitting completely into the bottle a split second before it caught.

Join me next time, ladies and gentlemen, when I intend to go swimming in shark infested waters during rag week.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 3, 2007 from Cervantes, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and WestCoast

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West Coast Mission: Day 3

Geraldton, Australia


On account of the fact we'd been free camping since Perth we decided to spend tonight in Geraldton at a pay camp with all kinds of exciting things like flushing toilets and showers. Ashley, my barman, is from Geraldton and Swoop has something to do with the place an all. Both had told me not to bother with the place but hey, it was on the way and it's somewhere to spend the night init.

We checked in to the site and spent the afternoon fishing on account of it being Not Quite Warm Enough for swimming. There's also a memorial to HMS Sydney or something, it's made up of big, metal seagulls, each one representing someone who died on the ship. Why oh why they chose seagulls, the most repulsive creature in the world surpassed by none, not even mozzies or flies or overweight lesbians with an aversion to bras and shaving was beyond us but still, we checked it out and took photos and generally concurred with Ash and Swoop. Geraldton aint worth the effort.



permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 4, 2007 from Geraldton, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip and WestCoast

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West Coast Mission: Day 4

Kalbarri, Australia


It is compulsory whilst doing the West Coast to visit Kalbarri National Park, failure to do so will result in being mocked and ridiculed by your peers and people will point and laugh at you in the street so we duly pulled off the highway and followed the loop that runs through the town of Kalbarri, checked into the cheapest campsite in town, Red Bluff, then hit the unsealed track to the national park itself.

One of Kalbarri's most famous landmarks is Nature's Window which marks the beginning of the 4 hour walk called The Loop. Thank fuck it's at the start, it meant we didn't have to bother with the walk because its recommended you take a lot of water and all we'd brought was goon. We just did some contrived "look at us relaxing nonchalantly whilst gazing through the Window" posing for the camera and spent the rest of the time twitching and waving our hands around, interspersing this with outbursts of, "Fuck off, flies!"

Seriously, if you're going to check out Nature's Window and the Z-Bend take a fly net then at least you can relax and enjoy watching the other people wandering round spasming and shouting like spastics with Tourettes. Oh what the fuck take a job lot of 'em and flog them to the fools that forgot to bring one of their own, you'd make a small fortune. Other Great Aussie Business Ideas I've come up with include a sandwich bar halfway up any tourist attraction that involves walking up a hill and a bottle shop at the top of Uluru.

After some more driving round, oohing and ahhing at the scenery and further verbal abuse of insects had occurred we headed back to the town as the sun set. Me and Becky had the power ballads blasting and we were shouting along as Craig cowered in the back whimpering, "Watch out for the cows..."

Meh, I had the cows covered and I assured him of this as I swerved to avoid a particularly startled looking bovine.

One of the things that shits me about this country is the signposting or lack thereof. When you get to the end of most unsealed roads all there'll be are some black and white arrows indicating that you need to turn left or right because onwards is no longer an option unless you drive a monster truck or you're feeling particularly adventurous and/or stupid but there's never any help as to which way would be best for you. So I swung a left and carried on driving as Celine Dion informed us at several decibels above what is deemed to be safe for the average eardrum that her heart would indeed go on. Good for you, girl.

It was about 20kms up the sealed road when I noticed Loody was flashing her lights behind us so I pulled over. Apparently she'd been shouting into the two way radio we had since I'd taken the turning, she didn't think we'd gone the right way. I thought about it... this was feasible... we had after all been driving for quite a while since we came off the track, certainly longer than we should have been... oh fuck... no, clearly we weren't going the right way.

Oh come on, its not like we were lost is it, I mean, I knew exactly where we were.

It just wasn't where we were meant to be.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 5, 2007 from Kalbarri, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and WestCoast

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West Coast Mission: Day 5

Kalbarri, Australia


After we'd kept the entire camp up all night wailing along to London Underground and singing Irish songs we thought we should make a quick exit the next day before we got lynched, especially as everyone would be up early on account of the hoards of galahs sat on the telephone wires over the road making more noise than we had. A galah sandwich would have gone down well for breakfast that day. Oh come on, I mean, we didn't get to sleep until late either...

We'd decided yesterday that we'd hire a little power boat today and head up the Murchison River to do some fishing, its only something like $90 for 4 hours so despite the weather not being great we all chucked $20 and that got us the boat and a load of bait. We just made sure we took warm clothes, a few tins of sketti and a healthy dose of optimism. Forgot the bloody goon though didn't we and everyone knows that goon aids fishing as well as keeping you warm.

There's all kinds of things to hire here, from powerboats to paddleboats and you can hire them for one hour to a full day. When we hired our boat he took the $90 plus a $20 returnable deposit. Deposit? For what? Even if there was any way we could rob off into the ocean with a tin can that didn't go much faster than a jogging pace would $20 really cover the loss?

We piled into the boat which had a number 13 ominously painted onto the outboard. I made sure I knew the exact location of the life jackets when Darragh handed control of the steering over to Becky. We maneuvered the boat over some shallow parts and rocks that we weren't meant to have crossed before lobbing the anchor over the side and wondering if we were going to be able to pull it back in again. Darragh and Becky caught their first fish ever and Craig caught a blue swimmer crab. We put bands on its claws and poked it a bit, wondering if there was any way it could feed five people before deciding that it was pointless keeping it so after thoroughly traumatising it we chucked it back in.

Ah well, noodles for dinner again then, ay.

After we returned the boat in one piece we headed back onto the highway for some more free camping where we could be as loud and as feral as we wanted without fear of revenge attacks.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 6, 2007 from Kalbarri, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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West Coast Mission: Day 6

Monkey Mia, Australia


The Shark Bay area is about 130km up a peninsula that has loads of side roads where you can pull over and marvel at... well... pretty stuff. Loody had heard about Hamelin Pool, the first turn off after the highway so we dutifully drove down and checked it out.
It's the home of the stromatolites which are apparently responsible for a whole lot of the world's oxygen and if it wasn't for them then oxygen breathing lifeforms such as us wouldn't have evolved. Let's be honest, they aint much to look at but if you actually consider what they are then they're impressive and they're millions of years old. If you check them out when the tide is in apparently you can see the little bubbles of oxygen they produce.

Wow, I can't believe I managed to construct an entire paragraph about rocks. I'm proper getting into the Aussie spirit, just hand me a shrimp and a barbie to chuck it on and I'm away.

You have a choice of two areas to stay in here, Denham is a proper town with phone signal and supermarkets and it has a hostel and other places to stay. About 25km from there is the Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort which is where the dolphins come to visit for feeding time every morning so we decided to stay there for a couple of nights.

Monkey Mia is fucking cool, it's $6 each to get into the resort (pass is good for 2 nights) then you can choose to camp ($12 per person per night) or there's a backpackers or cabins. They also have a little shop on the resort, an awesome self catering kitchen, a restaurant and a bar, a pool and a spa plus the beach and the dolphin interaction centre. For the first time I really felt like I was on holiday, we didn't feel like we were roughing it here at all despite still camping, I mean, it's a resort for fucks sake.

A resort!!

I'd never stayed in a resort in my adult life before, I felt so posh, the urge to decant goon into a wine bottle was almost overwhelming.

This was pretty much the first place we'd stopped where the sea had been warm enough to have a proper frolic so I cunningly hid the map that had the words "Beach Access; Please Note That Sharks Are Often Spotted In The Bay" so no one would freak out. Oh come on, sharks? In Shark Bay? Who'd have thunk it? After an afternoon on the beach reflecting on what a hard life we lead we headed to the bar before me and Becky decided to check out the spa. We were somewhat apprehensive about getting into water at this time of night when it was starting to cool down, remember, May is autumn going into winter in this part of the world. It only took one toe in the water to realise that this was where we'd be spending the evening so we fetched some towels, the others and copious amounts of goon and spent the ensuing hours singing, splashing and playing a game with an inflated goon bag that involved clinging onto it while the others spun you round.

Hmm, copious amount of alcohol combined with spinning round in circles. Obviously we never thought this one through properly.

I'm not sure what time it was when we got thrown out of the spa nor do I remember going to bed. I must have pulled my trademark passing out trick because the next thing I knew it was morning and the neighbours were ranting about the inconsiderate, loud bastards that woke the camp up last night.

Wow, I must have been tired, they never woke me up ay.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 7, 2007 from Monkey Mia, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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West Coast Mission: Day 7

Monkey Mia, Australia


It was about 6.45am when I woke the others up for Dolphin O' Clock, we were here for the dolphins and damnit, I wasn't going to let a mere thumping headache and stomach churning waves of nausea stop us. Kitted out with a camera and the grim determination not to collapse before breakfast we made our way to the beach with the rest of the tourist circus.

The dolphins rock up at about 7am and about 4 of them are in the feeding program. They take ages to get them into the program because they have to make sure that they won't be adversely affected by it and they don't give them a full day's quota of fish because they want to make sure the dolphins remain self sufficient. In days gone by they used to let you touch and swim with the dolphins but they stopped that when they started biting tourists so they put a stop to it about 6 years ago. These days they ask you to stand well back and out of the water when they start feeding, only the rangers and the lucky few picked out of the crowd to hand the fish to the dolphins are allowed in.

And this is where standing out like a spare prick at a wedding comes in handy. Ok, so I've been turned down for jobs and people stare and cross the road to avoid me but hey, I'm noticeable, you can't miss me and if anyone is going to be picked out of a crowd it was going to be me.

  • grins*


  • Proper happy with that and it was definitely worth being turned down for that job decorating Christmas trees when I was 18.

    After a breakfast of fried potatoes and a quick excursion to Denham for supplies the rest of the day was spent chilling at the resort and drinking aforementioned supplies. The previous night after I'd passed out Loody had found some lesbians to play with, Maria, Jaime and Emma, who all work at Monkey Mia. Jaime and Emma are a couple and work in the kitchen and bar respectively and Maria works on reception. They'd invited us to join them at some hot springs up the road at the Francois Peron National Park that night.

    Yay, more chances to sit in hot water and get pissed! I was loving this place more and more every minute.

    We rocked up to the springs at about 9.30pm when it was pitch black and apparently this is the best time to go because if you saw it in the daylight you wouldn't get in, it's naturally hot bore water pumped into a concrete circle and you can tell when they last cleaned it by how far down you can sink your hands before they disappear. It's also not a good idea to wear white.
    Afterwards, Jaime invited us to hers with the promise of a box of Coolabah Fruity Lexia goon she happened to have stashed. When we rocked up she broke out the goon plus a bottle of vodka, some Bundy and something else with a dangerous alcoholic content and told us to help ourselves. This girl had known us five minutes and already knew the way to our hearts. Again I'm unsure of the time when we finally left Denham and headed back to Monkey Mia, the five of us plus Maria crammed into Loody's Nissan with me sprawled along everyone on the back seats being fed goon from the bag by Maria. We stayed up for a bit longer then crashed at some god awful hour when we realised we actually had to drive somewhere tomorrow... actually make it later that day, it was due to be light in a couple of hours.

    I fucking love Monkey Mia, me. I totally recommend you spend at least a couple of nights there.

    Becky turned round to me the next day and said, "So, did anything happen with you and Maria last night?" Erm... no... she's 46. I mean, she's a good looking lass for a 46 year old but she's old enough to be my mother. Why? What gives you that idea? "You were totally flirting with each other, I thought something was going to happen."

    Flirting? Me? I deny all knowledge/ blame the goon. Ah well so what if I was, Darragh says she's bloody good at head massages.

    The girl's clearly good with her fingers...

    permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 8, 2007 from Monkey Mia, Australia
    from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
    tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and WestCoast

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    West Coast Mission: Day 8: Big Things #21

    Carnarvon, Australia


    300km after too much vodka and four hours sleep plus we couldn't pull over for a nap because as soon as you stopped the flies took up residence in your facial orifices. It's a fucking good job I'm easily amused by large, phallic objects like the Big Banana, Carnarvan or today would have been a write off.

    Come to think of it, for a lesbian I'm far too easily amused by phallic objects.

    permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 9, 2007 from Carnarvon, Australia
    from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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    West Coast Mission: Day 9

    Carnarvon, Australia


    The track to Red Bluff is one of those tracks that cause worried passengers to lean over and ask, "You do have a spare tyre, right?"

    Of course I have a spare tyre, I even checked it in Perth to make sure it was round and would remain so when stuck to the vehicle. I neglected to mention that I haven't got a fucking clue how to change it but I figured that with two blokes in the convoy one of them would at least pretend to know what they were doing.

    First stop up the road is the blowholes, its just where the ocean forces itself through holes in the rocks causing a whole load of spray and a photo opportunity.

    We decided that the car park here was where we were gonna camp tonight as there were none of those irritating signs that said we couldn't and with that we headed up the 70km unsealed road to Red Bluff that I'd heard about from a man called Mark who I had a beer with at Rainbow Lodge once. Its a cunt of a road, seriously, its probably the worst road I've ever tried to get the Falcon up and with Loody's Nissan following behind at snail's pace we started to wonder if it was going to be worth the damage to the underside of the cars and the abject boredom endured when you have to negotiate an unsealed road without the aid of goon or power ballads.

    Then we rounded the last corner and fuck yes, it was very much worth it.

    It's a fucking awesome place to spend an afternoon and a great way to get at least 94% of your RDA of salt as you get repeatedly dumped by the huge waves. They warn you that later on it gets sucky in the sea and you have to keep an eye on the peninsula in the distance; If you see a wave clearing that then get the fuck out as fast as you can.

    Ok then. No worries. Watch for killer waves and your mates being carried out to sea to their doom. Got it.
    Red Bluff was one of those perfect moments, just the five of us on a deserted beach miles from anywhere, hurling ourselves into the waves, body surfing and experimenting with different ways of potentially drowning. A classic I Love My Life moment.

    We made it back for sunset, set up camp and started drinking before a man on a quad bike rocked up and asked us what we were doing here. Becky jumped to the rescue responding quickly, "Eating...?"

    Oh. Nice one Becky. Sticky situation averted!

    He asked us if we were intending to stay the night, I asked if we were allowed, he said technically no but he didn't give a fuck, he was just going to charge us the going rate of $5.50 per site and we could stay where we were. Oh ok, so it wasn't going to break the bank so we opened our wallets and after fending off the moths we handed over the cash for two sites and he advised us to check out the beach and the snorkeling at the nearby official campsite in the morning.

    In hindsight the official campsite would probably have been a better idea than camping near huge jets of sea water that sent a fine spray over everything nearby every time they shot into the air.

    Ah well, live and learn.

    Dry out. Live. Learn.

    permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 10, 2007 from Carnarvon, Australia
    from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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    West Coast Mission: Day 11

    Exmouth, Australia


    It was exactly a year ago today that I landed in Australia, was fetched from the airport by John and Dom at 6.45am and proceeded to drag a traumatised and shattered Emma round Brisbane so we could buy SIM cards, open bank accounts and laugh in the face of jetlag. Oh come on, its not my fault she can't sleep on planes on account of the abject terror now is it.

    I would have loved to have celebrated the same way I'd celebrated my arrival in the country, that is copious amounts of disco and booze, but we were going to be spending the next day on a boat on the open sea and paying $330 for the privilege so instead we did that other thing we do so well; As little as possible on a beautiful beach.

    Coral Bay is awesome but not somewhere you'd want to spend a few days unless you were working or made of money, its shockingly expensive, like, incomprehensibly expensive, as in you'd probably have to take out a second mortgage just to feed yourself for a week. The others headed to the beach while I headed to a pay phone to book us onto a campsite in Exmouth and onto a whale shark tour. I managed to get us on for the next day, a Sunday, with a small amount of coaxing and the promise of five people on the boat.

    Nice one bruva.

    It was weird leaving Perth and going on a mission without Kliff, we'd already done the Great Ocean Road together and then, just as we thought we'd parted company, we hit the Nullabor together with Tim and made it to Perth. But the South West Loop and the West Coast had to be done without him, him and Neil were off working on a cattle station near Carnarvon and they were out of mobile phone range so we couldn't even catch up with them when we were in the area.
    Never mind though ay, everyone follows the backpacker trail, no doubt we'd bump into each other again somewhere along the way, it was never going to be goodbye with me and Kliff, just until we meet again.

    I was mincing about checking out the coral and the sea turtles, making sure I didn't swim too far out in case the spotter planes mistook my arse for a whale shark and people tried to snorkel with it when Loody swam up with someone I didn't recognise on account of the snorkel mask. It took me a few seconds.

    Kliff! And Neil was here too, sprawled on the beach pulling his usual Forgetting He's Ginger trick and slowly turning red.

    They'd quit the cattle station because for some reason shovelling dead, rotting cows into a heap for burning didn't appeal to them too much and they were spending their last dollars on fuel to get them up the coast to find work. We had to make it to Exmouth for 6pm to check into the site and pay for the whale shark tour so they tagged onto our little convoy and we made our way up the peninsula stopping only to take photos of the massive termite mounds and a Big Prawn which was a similar colour to what Neil had turned.

    We stayed off the goon and got an early night, we were going to be picked up at some obscene hour the next day and bundled onto a boat where we'd be expected to swim very fast with something significantly larger than us with fins and a big tail and the ability to breathe under water. The entire timing for the West Coast trip had been based around this moment and I'd been planning this for nearly a year.

    A hangover wasn't an option.

    permalink written by  Koala Bear on May 12, 2007 from Exmouth, Australia
    from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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